The Status Is NOT Quo
April 10, 2012 Wreckporter Adria P. found all of today's cakes in the same bakery, on the same day. And since I know how tempting it is for you optimists to think most of the wrecks here are once-in-a-lifetime flukes, I figured this would be an excellent way for me to break out my "I-Told-You-So" dance. (Which is a lot like my "I-Have-To-Pee-And-We're-Out-Of-TP" dance, but with more jazz hands.) Because people need to realize that the bakery world is a mess, and I just need to rule it.
[adjusting goggles]
But first, let's take a look at the average daily fare in this Fine Establishment:
;)
Bad Horse after some really spicy black bean enchiladas.
("Dibs on the festering pile of black goo!")
(PRO TIP: "Festering" makes everything funnier.)
(Unless the thing is on you, of course. Then, less so. To you. The rest of us will still think it's funny.)
;)
The return of the gnarly poop fingers...OF DOOM.
I'd also like to point out that Adria sent these in yesterday, and it's April. Is this like a Christmas in July thing? Halloween in April? And why are the flying orange sea urchins attacking the poop fingers, anyway? Do they always hunt in packs? Do they have shrill little battle cries? I bet they do. I bet they sound like Angry Birds when you successfully complete a level. Only....EVILER. Like, a-letter-of-condemnation-from-the-deputy-mayor evil.
;)
This one actually isn't that bad, comparatively speaking. I mean, I'm not sure how the yellow stuff got dripped on so precisely, or why the Bat logo looks like a battle axe, or what natural ailment would cause an otherwise sane person to think those borders are acceptable for anyone over the age of three, BUT...
...nope, I have nothing to add to that. Never mind.
And my personal favorite:
;)
"Candy From a Baby"
AKA
"How much can we insult our customers' intelligence before they stop shelling out $14.98 for this crap? At least this much. MUAH-HA-HAA! AHAHAAAAHA! Ahah."
Seriously, I love how even the attempt at any kind of decoration has been abandoned. One blobby squirt of a bottom line + finger smeared topping = DONE. And that's about standards, you know?
[poking cake]
Smells like cumin. Huh.
Thanks again to Adria for singing along.
Reader Comments (76)
Hmm...I don't hate the second or third one. I don't understand the second one but I have certainly seen a LOT worse around here. And at least the bat signal is recognizable.
At first, I thought this was a "Twilight Zone" post, since all the cakes came from the same bakery. Then I realized it was a different TV show...
They’re seepy and they’re kooky,
Mysterious and spooky,
They’re altogether ooky,
Bakery anomalies.
I always want to flee ‘em,
Each time perchance I see ‘em,
The urchins make me scre-um,
Bakery anemones.
Wild
Piled
Reviled
So get a mat to fall on,
A tissue you can bawl on,
We’re gonna start a brawl on,
Bakery Anomolies.
(Charmin hands)
Doctor Horrible! This made my day :-D
The fish rots from the head, as they say.
I'm guessing a really bad art student works in the bakery... I actually afraid of the first one!
For some reason I keep having that old Alanis Morissette song run through my head. (I think it must that this particular group of wrecks just brings to mind something with tortured cadence and conflicted lyrics.) So, here is my wreck-version of One Hand in my Pocket:
It’s cake but it’s yucky
It’s sweet but it’s gross
I’m sure it’s not healthy, yeah
Does Batman need glasses?
Poop Fingers of Doom!?
It’s wrong and I’m sorry, baby.
What it all comes down to, is every cakes gonna be wrecked, wrecked, wrecked
‘cause I’ve got one hand in my pocket, and the other one’s throwing sea urchins…
I love how on the third cake the wreckorator was too lazy to even cover the whole cake. I'm pretty sure the lower right corner is showing exposed cake.
Scary gnarly tree
Dumpy lava cake with goo
Batman cannot save
Sorry I couldn't work the insulting green cake into my haiku but I felt it should be addressed separately. I couldn't agree more that this cake is a complete insult to the intelligence of the cake-buying public. The only reason I would pick up this cake, which resembles mixed Play-Doh is to ask "Why on earth should I pay for this mess?" I wouldn't expect a straight answer but it would still be fun to ask.
Further proof that I should have my own bakery. Or at least someone should pay me to do a better job than these people.
Bad Horse meditates
on the decoration void:
Thoroughbred of Zen.
The horror of it is that if this is what they usually stock, it's probably also what they usually sell. Unless... *unless* it's always the same four cakes and they redesign (for a given value of 'design') the icing every night when the cakes don't sell. Hum. That would explain a whole lot.
Except the first one. I am afraid of the first one. I think maybe Wes Craven made the first one.
Why is the flowering tree falling down? At least, I think they are flowers. If they're supposed to be leaves, someone needs to take the decorator to the park. Now. No, not after her current masterpiece is finished. Now
Dr. Horrible! You are my hero. You are the wind beneath my wings, Jen.
The Bat-cake would be acceptable if I were really, really drunk. Whereas the tree . . . fingers . . . thing would be horrifying if I were really, really drunk. Or stone-sober, to be honest. D:
I'm guessing the 2nd one is supposed to be cherry blossoms... which is seasonal, but doesn't really make it better.
OK, here I go - Dr Horrible's Wreck Along Songs:
A man’s got to do what a man’s got to do
Don’t bake the cake if you can’t follow through
All that matter’s taking batters into your own hands
Soon I’ll control everything – your dish’s in my command!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
It’s a brand new day, and the cake’s piled high,
All the bakers sing, because you’re gonna buy
A cake monstrosity and then you’re gonna cry…
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Even on a cake pan, every color can be found
And every day of baking brings
Colors flowing on cake mounds…
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Baking day, see you there
Hopes and dreams, tumbling
We all hope, you’ll be fair
But you’re so … bumbling
With your fondant you will stop the dream
With your fondant you will make the us wish we’d bought buttercream!
I believe the gnarly poop fingers of doom are intended to be the cherry blossoms floating off a tree in DC, but then I'm thrown because those are usually, well, you know....pretty.
That second one's a female Chthonian heading out on a date. Hey, a girl's gotta accessorize, even if she IS a Minion of the Great Old One.
"Baking day, see you there" got me started. I finished the Laundry Day song and continued reciting all 3 Chapters to the end - "... a thing" with sad Billy Buddy.
Thanks a lot for THAT! :) And the wrecks.
LOL@Sharyn and Zoomom XD As for the cakes, the batman was the least objectionable of them-I cannot figure out who would buy those horrors D:
@ zoomom: Brilliant!
The green one is the cake equivalent of a zen koan. It's counterproductive to analyze or try to comprehend it; all you can do is stare and stare as it slowly reveals to you the secrets of the universe.
I see they sent Wednesday Addams out on work experience again.....
Seems the only comment this comment section needed was my fist. But...on a keyboard. That I was typing with.
"Comparatively".
You're welcome. :)
[Editor's note- Bwoops. -john]
@zoomom -- your song gave me a jagged little thrill.
Dang...now I'm going to waste 45 minute re-watching Dr. Horrible. You are evil.
The last one, especially, is ART. Duh.
Post-modernistic, impressionist modern ART.
And if you don't "understand" it, you won't be allowed to purchase it.
Holy crap, the only thing that saved my brain from being withered by those "cakes" were the Dr. Horrible bits! Did you see they're making a sequel?!
That first one is a horse??!! I thought it was a crime scene.
All I can say is that last cake looks terrible. I love the color green but that cake is beyond me. lol
I guess we should be happy that these are all at one bakery. Knowing that makes me think that the other bakeries may be a little safer, because how many bad bakers can be in one city?
Right?
Oh, never mind.
Even my natural positive outlook can't justify these....
@zoomom & @Sharyn - LMAO!!
#2 dredged this up (with apologies to the Cars):
It's orangey sky
Always on a cake to buy
It's just a wreckerator's try
Bye, my lunch
Bye, my lunch
@Sharyn and zoomom: kudo's!
Wait-- I was laughing with you through the whole post (as I have every day for more than 2 years) but then you confused me right at the end there. What was the purpose of that cumin remark? Please tell me that was not some kind of ethnic insult. Please please tell me I am misunderstanding. That would be so uncool of you and usually you are so very cool.
[Editor's note- It was not in any way an ethnic insult. It was a quote from Doc Horrible. Jen updated the post with a link to the clip and you should check it out if you've never seen it. So funny. Thanks for the good comment. -john (the hubby of Jen)]
#2: Jen, you spent way too much time thinking about this one, but I think you got only part of the answer to this pictorial riddle. Those pink things aren't sea urchins, but are underwater. They're baby sea anemones, drifting (from left to right) on the current of the oil-stained ocean (note the black swirls) to land on, and die on, an oil-saturated antler coral. The cake is a funereal fable in icing mourning the damage done to Mother Earth by ungrateful humanity. See how easy it is to understand when you don't think about it.
How is that first one in any way a horse cake? The decoration at top left resembles a horse's "leavings" but that's about it!
I had to really look to see why you were talking about a horse with the first one. I also saw a crime scene and thought maybe it was for fans of "Dexter". The bat signal looks fantastic in comparison to the others.
The second one is cool in a van Gogh-ish sort of way. Makes me wonder if the red gook on #1 is the result of cutting off an ear. ick.
Clearly Dr. Horrible forced the bakers to wear those thick, heavy mad scientist gloves and those goofy goggles while decorating in an attempt to ruin the creativity and personal expressions on cakes around the globe. He is so evil - he has been behind all these wrecks all this time!
Wreckerator 1: "I bet I can make reeeally black icing. Like, Darth Vader black."
Wreckerator 2: "No way, man. I bet I can make blacker icing than you can. Black hole black."
15 minutes later...
Wreckerator 1: "Dude, what are we going to do with all this black icing?"
I think the second one is SUPPOSED to be cherry blossoms. It might have worked if the three wasn't quite so squid-like and the background didn't look quite resemble a settling pond at a sewage treatment plant.
The 'festering wounds' card in Apples to Apples wins for nearly everything it's combined with. :)
I think I'm in love with you after this post lol
It might be that the second one is supposed to resemble one of those Japanese wood block prints of a cherry blossom branch. But taken in context with the rest of them I suggest that the cake decorator go back to Art 101 for a refresher.
Uh, is that the "horse" after visiting the glue factory (before the gjue obviously...)?
My Facebook status:
Quote of the Day: "I figured this would be an excellent way for me to break out my 'I-Told-You-So' dance. (Which is a lot like my 'I-Have-To-Pee-And-We're-Out-Of-TP' dance, but with more jazz hands.)" ~ Jen, CakeWrecks
YAY! So glad you posted these! There was one more I submitted from the same bakery on the same day but I'm guessing either you overlooked it or didn't deem it wrecky enough. I thought the mold-like airbrush spots were amusing.
This just made my day with the Dr Horrible references!
Olfactory jeers:
"Fragrant as cumin!" and
"Elderberry scent!"
A while ago an "art" show at a local coffee shop featured work by a woman who said her psychiatrist had suggested that she ease the stress of her home renovation by expressing her angst creatively. She had covered plywood scraps with tile grout, house paint, caulking, and assorted bits of detritus from the job site to make abstracts. There is an unnerving similarity in technique to cakes one, two, and four in particular.
What city is this bakery in? I didn't hear her say what she did for a living....
Seriously, I should have put my dinner down instead of reading and eating. It would have been safer.