The Status Is NOT Quo
April 10, 2012 Wreckporter Adria P. found all of today's cakes in the same bakery, on the same day. And since I know how tempting it is for you optimists to think most of the wrecks here are once-in-a-lifetime flukes, I figured this would be an excellent way for me to break out my "I-Told-You-So" dance. (Which is a lot like my "I-Have-To-Pee-And-We're-Out-Of-TP" dance, but with more jazz hands.) Because people need to realize that the bakery world is a mess, and I just need to rule it.
[adjusting goggles]
But first, let's take a look at the average daily fare in this Fine Establishment:
;)
Bad Horse after some really spicy black bean enchiladas.
("Dibs on the festering pile of black goo!")
(PRO TIP: "Festering" makes everything funnier.)
(Unless the thing is on you, of course. Then, less so. To you. The rest of us will still think it's funny.)
;)
The return of the gnarly poop fingers...OF DOOM.
I'd also like to point out that Adria sent these in yesterday, and it's April. Is this like a Christmas in July thing? Halloween in April? And why are the flying orange sea urchins attacking the poop fingers, anyway? Do they always hunt in packs? Do they have shrill little battle cries? I bet they do. I bet they sound like Angry Birds when you successfully complete a level. Only....EVILER. Like, a-letter-of-condemnation-from-the-deputy-mayor evil.
;)
This one actually isn't that bad, comparatively speaking. I mean, I'm not sure how the yellow stuff got dripped on so precisely, or why the Bat logo looks like a battle axe, or what natural ailment would cause an otherwise sane person to think those borders are acceptable for anyone over the age of three, BUT...
...nope, I have nothing to add to that. Never mind.
And my personal favorite:
;)
"Candy From a Baby"
AKA
"How much can we insult our customers' intelligence before they stop shelling out $14.98 for this crap? At least this much. MUAH-HA-HAA! AHAHAAAAHA! Ahah."
Seriously, I love how even the attempt at any kind of decoration has been abandoned. One blobby squirt of a bottom line + finger smeared topping = DONE. And that's about standards, you know?
[poking cake]
Smells like cumin. Huh.
Thanks again to Adria for singing along.
Reader Comments (76)
Where is this bakery? I want to go and see it for myself.
That last cake looks like it was an attempt to use up all the day's leftover icing or something. o_O
I wonder if their baking skills are on par with their "decorating" skills?
I think the last one is just a base for them to add what ever saying you want misspelled.
I liked the tree with the little red things. Looks very much like modern art in a Holloween-ey sort of way.
And batman cake was at least identifiable. sort of, if you're 3 it would be great. If 3 yr olds actually know who Batman is...
I agree, Cake #2 is probably trying to be cherry blossoms. Not sure poop finger cherry blossoms are any more appealing than poop finger trees, though.
Can't...stop...laughing... *gasp!*
Do you suppose Captain Hammer follows your blog?
Sharyn, I love you. And not in a creepy, stalkerish way, you know? I just want to live inside your head. That's not wrong, is it?
These are horrible... and I've got a PhD in Horribleness!
Great geeky goodness! The Dr.Horrible quotes have made my day- I have a pair of goggles that look just like his :D
As I suspect I know which bakery this is from lol I am going to go look and see if the one here has any.. won't name any names but that Batman cake looks very familiar to me lol. I know one thing I am not ordering a cake from them any time soon. Wow.. at least they didn't try to use egg dye on the cakes..or wait maybe they did :O
hate to be the one to break it to you, but you do realize that zooming in is possible. if you look at the labels they have a sell by of march 20, 21 etc. that retailer (i worked in that department of this retailer) has a five day shelf life from decorate to throw away. there is no way these were on display in april.
For the WIN:
Papa Roach's "Getting Away with Murder" popped up on my playlist as I clicked on CW today. :D timing is everything and irony makes me happy
and why is the last one Jen's favorite? (hint: the border color) I think it looks like Slimer in a tutu.
A friend came over today who hadn't seen Dr. Horrible. So I subjected him to it. Thanks for getting Bad Horse stuck back in my head again. XD
@Major Ypres: Your interpretation is superb. It fits the cake much better than claiming it is an attempt at cherry blossoms.
Thanks for posting the link, Jen, I also did not immediately get the cumin reference. Clearly I have not watched Dr. Horrible recently and should rectify that posthaste.
Perhaps the last one is for NOAA? a picture of florida covered by a hurricane from their hurricane spotting plane? that is what I thought at least...
That green one looks like something I would present. Except that I'm not a "professional" and I openly admit that I cannot frost a cake to save my life. In fact, I have to say that my first real attempt at frosting a cake came out substantially better than that wreck. At least I have confidence that my cakes taste really good, despite their awkward outer appearances.
So are these less wrecky in March than in April?
(ponders the ways of the universe)
(remembers March)
(considers April)
(yearns for May)
(recalls all the rules she knows which are routinely broken by retail establishments of her acquaintance)
(repents)
(drinks coffee)
(finds one last matching set of paranthesis in her drawer and figures, hey, why not?)
The last green one is clearly a large bar of Irish Spring soap masquerading as a cake.
I LOVE you for all the obscure Dr. Horrible references.
Okay, I'm going to go listen to the soundtrack now (because I'm at work, and watching it would be inappropriate... I'm "supposed" to be doing my job, after all!)
One of the funniest posts ever! All from the same place on the same day...are we sure it wasn't rigged to draw in an unsuspecting wreckporter? :)
the "What! What!" butt cake reminds me of this super awkward and inappropriate music video by Samwell: PG14+?! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fbGkxcY7YFU
Gar!! Don't you guys know ANYTHING? These cakes are the work of Emogirl!
There are so many Dr. Horrible references!... Okay like two but still...
that batman one looks like somebody tried to tie-dye the pattern. The last one looks like somebody tried to paint a hyperactive hippie on acid....while they were on acid.
I loved the Dr. Horrible references! My daughter and I quote from DrH and the commentary frequently; one of our favorite phrases to append to any sentence is, "...with a face like a monkey." I have 'Brand New Day" as my son's ringtone on my phone. And now I have to go watch it on my iPod. :-)
These cakes have a PH.D in Horribleness!
As if I needed another reason to love you quielty from my van outside your house..(j/k..?) Dr Horrible is a staple in our home- My 8yo is a huge fan of Bad Horse...She's into villains..Thanks for this!!