Breaking Up is Heart To Do
February 9, 2012 Don't you hate it when Valentines Day rolls around and you're still stuck with that person you kept meaning to break up with, but then they made you a sandwich and you forgot?
So now you have to get that person a Valentines cake, but you don't want to go overboard with the whole mushy sentiment or effort or anything?
Well, never fear, callous jerks! The bakeries of America are here to help.
Of course, there's always the obvious way:
;)
...but suppose you want something a little more subtle to break things off?
Not to worry; you have options.
For the biology major:
;)
"Rrrrrippit! Rrrrip out your heart and throw it against the wall! And then rearrange your intestines into a LARGER heart so I can trample THAT, too!"
Or, for a message with a little more meat to it:
;)
There's a "steak through the heart" joke in here somewhere, I just know it.
How about a little poetry?
;)
Field of excrement
Surrounding a shattered heart:
Evidence crack kills
Now, I know what you're thinking:
;)
That's just offal.
Here's a cake that really says, "Your love turns me upside down!"
;)
That, or "You're an ass!"
One of the two, anyway.
Guess which one I'm going with.
And speaking of "buttering" her up, fellas, have you considered the new "rear view" pendant that's all the rage this year?
;)
Why, you cheeky little devil, you.
Thanks to Sarah H., Caitlin F., Madlyn D., Terri G., Heidi K., & Marc S. for the heart to heart.
Reader Comments (101)
What a realistic meat cake! Why isn't it up on Sunday? Is it made of red velvet do you think?
"Crack kills"
Ahhh, you're killing me! :) Thanks. I needed the smile this morning.
I <3 steaks, medium rare, especially if prepped with coffee grounds rubbing and dessert is a raspberry chocolate torte. Not a wreck by me.
Oh, and I'm sure the necklace is a miniature version of a Klingon bridal night gift. You know, nothing says love and trust like a close-quarters disemboweling/gelding hook that you hope she'll never use.
I'm never going to be able to look at that necklace the same way again! My co-worker just got one too...XD
That's all i can ever see when i see that pendant! Butts! Open heart, whatever.
I thought I'd celebrate today's post in song:
1. First, a little altered Lionel Richie
"Not you, it's me; not meant for always
Not the way it should be
Not you, it's me; stay not together
Un-Naturally"
2. A little Devo?
"Rrrrippit! Rip it good!"
3. How 'bout Bon Jovi...
"Steak through the heart and you're to blame
You give lo-o-ove a bad name"
4. A little old school knowledge:
"They say that breaking u-up, it feels like poo
Now I know, I know that it's true"
5. A Wonka quiz (with answers):
"Who can take a cupcake
sprinkle it with poo
Cover it in icing and an excrement or two
The Kandy Man
The Kandy Man can
The Kandy Man can 'cause he mixes it with "Love" and makes the world taste...ew."
6. And, of course, Queen!
"Fat bottom girls, you make the bakin' world go round"
Sorry, Jane, there's a reason my heart is closed! Purely aesthetical reason.
hey we called that necklace "The Bejeweled NUTSACK" lol
Never thought that about the pendant, although I do think of another body part, which is sort of appropriate since this is a "jewel" of sort, that one would give to a "family" member...
From the first moment I saw Jane's designs I screamed, "Am I the only one who sees T&A here??" I'm happy to know I'm not alone.
I've long called it the Floating Butt; however, I think Bejeweled Nutsack, a pet moniker revealed by a Facebook commenter, tops any name, anywhere.
BWAHAHAHAHA! Every time that "Open Butts" commercial for Kay Jewelers comes on TV, my better half and I crack** up at Jane's catchphrase because all we can hear in our gutter-minds is, "If Your Butt Is Open, Love Will Always Find Its Way In".
....I don't think that's the type of love Jane Seymour was talking about.
**That wasn't intentional...butt it WAS funny!
My husband and I call the "open heart pendant" the Sparkly Ball sack pendant. It is really not a very aesthetically pleasing, is it?
I HATE her jewelry! That thing looks like a grappling hook! Sorry Jane....stick with acting.
I love all your posts, but this one hit home! I have called that the "Open Butts Collection" for years! My husband knows my opinion, but I wouldn't be surprised if he brought one of those home as a gag gift since he once gave me a card that said "I love you from the bottom of my butt...it's bigger than my heart!".
We have always called that necklace the T and A necklace in our house. Its terrible!
I was starting to wonder if I was the only one who thought, "butt and boobs" about that necklace!
My boyfriend got me a necklace from Kay jewelers for our anniversary a few years ago, and they tried so hard to get him to buy me that necklace, thank god he knew me well enough to say no, cause I think it is one of the ugliest I have ever seen.
And I love the upside down heart/butt cake...totally want it for Valentine's Day now!!
I always thought Jane Seymour's Open Heart jewelry was kind of cheesy. I just recently realized that it looks like boobs and a butt. Yet another reason to dislike it.
I thought the upside-down heart (rightside-up butt) cake was marvelously decorated -- it even has little hemorrhoids all around it!
My roommates and I call that the T & A necklace...
Thank you! Boobs and butt...it's all I see, every time!!! Although now, the "flamingo" comment has me viewing it in a new light. It's like one of those posters that you stare at for awhile...a totally different image ends up coming through! :D
Boobs and butts.. Hahahaha... Now I know why I NEVER liked that necklace but couldn't put my finger why. The steak... my husband would totally love that.
we call it the "snake balls" necklace, and my husband is threatening to get it for me
'Two butts are better than one' necklace - also, everybody over at Regretsy sees the same things y'all do.
For those of you wanting to know why the meat has 3 countries of origin, watch "Food Inc." It will answer that question plus many others you didn't want answered.
love the ribeye steak! would be weird to see for sure... but what gets me is the Product of US & Canada,Mexico ? how is that possible.......
If anyone needs me, I'll be in the Epcot bunker... Can I bring the gruesome frog cake?
Can we get an Epcot, please? Yes, I know it’s just a necklace but a party in the bunker before Valentine’s would be freakin’ awesome!
The steak is a product of Canada, Mexico and the USA as it has a Canadian papa, a Mexican mama and they met halfway in the USA.
As for the inverted heart cake- my bottom is bigger than my heart so that’s actually a better cake for me to give.
Ah, zoomom’s back in fine form and Andrea was wonderful! :D
I'm a student in a veterinary assisting program. one of our female dog spay patients refused to go potty before surgery, so her colon was very full. What happened on the surgery table looks rather like the cupcake "offal"...and yes, I may never eat chocolate frosting again.
THANK YOU from the "bottom of my heart" (pun intended) for confirming my belief that the open hearts necklace looks like a butt. I've told my husband that if he buys me that 'butt ugly" thing I'll kill him. I'm so happy to see that the Cake Wrecks commuity seems to concur.Or is it just that we all tend to see things in a slightly twisted way? Hmmm...no, it's because it looks like a butt.
Andrea, you rock! That was awesome!
The first time I ever saw that necklace I saw a flamingo-swan. Now it's what I see every time I see it.
Ye gods, I thought I was the only one that saw a behind in that design! Saves hubby some $$ though! LOL I'd rather have cake anyway, right?!
Thanks for the link to the video about meat glue. That should help me cut down on eating meat!
Well there went my wanting one of those necklaces. Now that you mention it they do look like butts lmao. Ah well saved hubby some cash this time mwahahahaha lol. As for the heart cookie surrounded by old poopy looking meringues.. they can keep that in a basement far, far away. I think I will just hope for some roses.
Note to self, never look at cakewrecks after breakfast. Meat cake? BARF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Guys, isn't it obvious? The person responsible for the heart-shaped steak is an Invader Zim fan!
Yup-Boobs & Butts pendant. I don't know what Jane Seymour was thinking when she came up with that design..oh wait, yes I do.
Steve Dallas' love poem to Bobbi Harlow in the comic Bloom County: "In my dreams / you're all I sees / Boobs, butt, and knees / Be my main squeeze." If only he'd given her one of those necklaces, too...
OMG Jane Seymor Butts!! I'm dying with laughter. Ditto to all butt necklace comments.
One year when my husband and I were newlyweds... back in the dark ages... I made him a heart-shaped meatloaf for Valentine's day, since meatloaf is his favorite. He took one look and said "What happened, did you drop it?" Maybe the heart-shaped steak would work better.
The "open heart" comments made me laugh inappropriately loudly!! I always thought that pendant looked like the Loch Ness Monster...
I called the Open Hearts necklace the "Double Butt" necklace until someone smarter than me dubbed it the "Seymour Butts" design.
I am so glad that I am not the only one that sees "butts and boobs" in that stupid pendant! I joke about it with my boyfriend all the time. It is nice to see that not everyone loves that crap like the commercials would have you believe.
I hate hate HATE that double-butt pendant that's been around for a few years. I told my husband that I wouldn't even accept it as an ironic gift.
I'm also very glad to hear that I'm not the only one who thinks that pendant looks like body parts. Oddly, neither my husband nor my teenage son seem to have noticed...
Yeah ... it's been the "T&A" (a la Chorus Line) pendant in my house for years.
My sister and I call that pendant the "T & A necklace".
So horrible.
So glad to know I'm not the only one seeing boobs and a butt...
Ever since my husband said that the pendant looks like a cobra, I've never been able to get that out of my head.