WE'RE DOOMED
November 7, 2012 [NOTE: In an effort to be more efficient/lazy, I may have written this post last week. I'm pretty sure you won't be able to tell, though, so forget I even mentioned it.]
My dear wreckies, the end is officially nigh. In fact, I think it's safe to say that the end has never been MORE nigh than it is at this very moment. It is a moment FULL OF END NIGH-NESS.
With President [insert winner's name here] in office, our country will soon be nothing but a moldering pile of Taco Bell wrappers and Snookie CDs. The seas will boil over. The sun will burn. The stars will do crazy loop deloops, but, like, in a really bad way.
Frogs will rise up from ponds everywhere and hippity-hop all over our lawns.
;)
And then they'll eat our daisies.
OUR DAISIES!!
All birthdays will be cancelled, and replaced with "buttdays."
;)
Our new national flag will be a giant flip-flop...STOMPING ON AN AMERICAN HEART.
;)
And perhaps most terrifying of all: a legion of lop-sided zombie Barbie cakes will slide menacingly onward, the better to consume our very souls:
;)
Yes, my friends, with the inevitable campaign of doom and destruction heralded by President [insert winner's name here], our only hope can now be in hunkering down with enormous cases of peanut butter while we await the apocalyptic....uh...hang on...
Did someone seriously make a WEDDING CAKE out of WHOOPIE PIES??
;)
Best. Idea. EVER.
Ok, never mind that other stuff. We're good.
Thanks to Susan F., Debbie A., Anony M., Alexandra, & Gregory H. for putting things back in their proper perspective. Peace, love, and whoopie pies, baby. Awww yeeeaah.
Reader Comments (64)
OMG the end is here, we are dooommmmmeeeddd D: D:
Why are words shameful?
Skip the euphanism and
just call them Sex Pies.
Yep, yesterday I definitely had a "Buttday" I'm not sure it was my 35th though, sort of lost count. But a cake telling me to have a "Happy Buttday"? - That rocks! Oh, the possibilities...
Sung to "A Bicycle Built for Two" ("Daisy, Daisy" -- you can sing it in HAL's voice, if you want...)
Daisy, Daisy, frogs will suck off your dew
Buttday's crazy, stomping the heart of you
Barbie Zombie needs a carriage
But you'll have a happy marriage
It will be sweet
When your guests eat
From the Whoopie Pie cake for you.
Summun stepped on da frog. Perhaps while wearing a giant plastic USA flip-flop.
Also, I think Zombie Barbie is actually Zombie Disco Barbie, and she's just gettin' down with her bad self.
That is all. Except for: Whoopie Pie Wedding Cake? AWESOME.
If I must be doomed, let it be with Whoopie Pies.
Sharyn, and Haiku joy XD XD XD XD
I think you're mistakenly looking at Barbie in a negative light. She is not a menacing zombie. She is a hopeful young American, leaning hopefully into the future-with hope. Leaning forward into a better, stronger, greater America. An America where frogs can, if they want, grab daisies with their
tongue-fingers and freely enjoy their daisy-like deliciousness. An America where we need not fear the giant flip flop (and who among us is not tired of the giant flip flop.) An America where women can take pride in their bodies and celebrate their butts. In conclusion, my fellow Americans, I'm hoping, hopefully for a sex-pie cake for my anniversary.
Thank you. And Gdo bless the SUA!
Generously filled Whoppie Pie says, " You might feel doomed, but I feel domed."
Thank you for this post. You just made my day freakin' awesome!
I am now off to make whoopie pies.
Cake Wrecks = best post-election commentary ever
What we have here is a photo of the very rare and collectible Hypno-Barbie. Very difficult to find with her original pink and white striped frock and red mezmeroses. Production of the doll was cut short amid unconfirmed storied of young girls experiencing episodes of psychosis.
Ah... Jen, the fact that you wrote this last week puts a smile on my face. This is why I love this blog :)
@Jen: This post is why we love you.
@Haiku Joy: "sex pies" would be why I love you.
DANG!! Whoopie pie wedding cake!! Why didn't i think of that!! Mmmmm Red Velvet whoopie pies!!!
Dearest Haiku Joy,
You make everything groovy.
Even the Sex Pies.
thank you for the laugh today...I needed it
"Buttday" must be deliberate. Possibly an in-joke among friends.
That daisy looked like a deformed soccer ball to me.
Sharyn, I tried to use a "Bicycle Built for Two" reference in an earlier haiku draft today, but abandoned it as too obscure. I was tickled to see you use it to such good effect!
Prince of All Cosmos
tries Sticky Hand toy. Thwip! Quick!
Reel in flowered prize!
Is it wrong that - thanks to Jen's suggestion - I now want a zombie-Barbie cake for my next birthday? And that birthday happens to start with a 3? Because if it is, I don't want to be right! :)
Thank you for today's post -- it has cleared up a mystery for me. For years I have heard people speak of the "FED" and the "FEDs" in hushed and anxious tones, a look of fear and horror on their contorted faces. And now I know the source of their fears: Frogs Eating a Daisy, or the dreaded plural, Frogs Eating Daisies....
That first one isn't a frog. It's baby Cthulhu. Which is probably worse.
@zoomom- All Glory to the Hyno-Barbie!
"If you want a picture of the future, imagine a flip-flop stamping on an American heart — forever." - Orwell, Nineteen Eighty Four (paraphrased)
I think I hurt myself laughing at today's post. (which is better than wetting myself, but I've done that too...)
Thwip! Quick! I love that so much!
@ Haiku Joy ~ Sex pies. Bahahahahah Thanks for that!
@ Sharyn ~ Again, you are amazing! There are a few of those bicycles built for 2 around where I live and now I'm going to think of Buttdays and Whoopie Pies!
My 40th birthday is less then a month away. I better not get a Happy Buttday cake!
The whoopie pies are fantastic! They could only be topped by using moon pies!
The butt-ugly frog goes with the Buttday cake. Yesterday was definitely a Buttday for me and I'm well past #35, especially if I count my entire 4th grade year, the year of bullying h-ll.
But I digress...the whoopie wedding cake is an excellent idea! Now, what about a Moon Pie cake for the groom?! :-)
Quick! Someone get Han Solo! Leia has turned into a frog and is in dire need of a kiss!
Why is the Patriotic Flip Flop squashing the black filled heart of...Aqua Fresh? Maybe it's a cake celebrating a rise in Colgate sales.
Note to Brides and Wedding Planners: A giant pile of whoopie pies may sound like something in need of 'dressing up'. I assure you, it is not. The only reason I even noticed the flowers and vines is because that is a photo and I am unable to eat any of the whoopie pies. If you need me, I'll just be over here, trying to refrain from licking my monitor.
Between "Butt" and "Whoopie" and a vapid blonde from Malibu, this post could be an episode of the Newlywed Game.
Amanda, I also want a zombie barbie cake for my next birthday! It also starts with a 3...
"our country will soon be nothing but a moldering pile of Taco Bell wrappers and Snookie CDs."
You mean, it wasn't before?????
I'm thrilled to see a wedding cake made with whoopie pies. My 13 year old daughter told me that when she gets married at the reception she wants mini corn dogs and little soup shooters. A whoopie pie wedding cake will be the perfect compliment to what is sure to be a white trash wedding.
Barbie is either doing some serious squats in the massive skirt of hers or they ripped off her legs for the occasion.
Happy Buttday? Would that be the day before or the day after the colonoscopy? And is anyone else totally grossed out by zombie-Barbie's hair all in the frosting?
That is the most ding-dang awesomest wedding cake ever. That is all.
If we're doomed, who's going to sing the "Doom Song"?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fqcn_TPu4qQ
With the fortification of enough whoopie pies, I can easily ignore the fact that we are up to our armpits in Martians... Or whatever Doom takes the form of.
I would love try having a buttday next week instead of a birthday--just this once, but it could be completely awesome! I mean, you don't know!
Also, I think that last one should be a Sunday Sweet. It's amazing to me that they got the whoopie pies to look so realistic just using cake and icing!
I vote that in future presidential elections, no one can write commentary unless they include "whoopie", "buttery" and or "moon pies" in their blog entries/tweets/Facebook posts.
I also nominate Jen as chief master political commentator, and the first person to be quoted on Election Night. Can I have a second to my motion?
I'm envisioning coughing up a hairball after looking at those overprocessed Barbie locks matted into the cake. At least when you're done, you can floss with it.
For some reason, I heard Stephen Colbert's voice in my head as I was reading this post!
That sliding Barbie zombie cake had me laughing out loud! TFS
Pssssst!!! HaikuJoy!
Ahem... did you mean "euphemism"?
Forget whoopie pies. I'm off to make whoopie!
TLC, I'll second your motion for sure!
But can I also just say that I have heard of Whoopie Pies my whole life, but didn't know what they were! They look like a big pile of smiles! Now if someone will just show me a picture of a Moon Pie, I'll know what those are too, and my life will be complete--and commssion the perfect cakes for my 50th wedding anniversary!
another brilliant post.... is that a hair I see on the zombie barbie cake??? EWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW Nasty...(and not in a good way)!!
"Between "Butt" and "Whoopie" and a vapid blonde from Malibu, this post could be an episode of the Newlywed Game."
Bwahahahaha!!!!!!!!!!!! Now the dog is disturbed by my laughing so hard at this post!! :P
Thanks for the Sex Pies, too!! LOL.