Improper Grooming
November 28, 2012 Grooms-to-be, we need to talk.
Your future wife has probably been planning her dream wedding since puberty. So your job is to pick a groom's cake that shows you gave this one small decision more than 5 minutes' thought with a Magic 8 Ball while you waited for Halo to load.
So. A few tips:
- Don't give your infantile friends the chance to make "Big Melon" jokes:
;)
Because you know they will, and probably to your future mother-in-law.
(You might avoid this situation by printing out a simple reference guide for your baker:
;)
- While we're at it, don't give your friends any openings for "limp hose" jokes, either.
;)
They'll probably save those for their toasts.
("Good luck in China!")
- There is no place for entrails at a wedding. Ever.
;)
Trust me, the bride will hate your guts.
- Do not, under any circumstances, insinuate your bride is a female dog.
;)
Not cool, man. Not cool.
- Also avoid any implication that you're having a shotgun wedding...
;)
(...and that multiple shots were required)
...or that you were a sitting duck.
;)
(That is a cake, right? The masterful camouflage is making it so hard to see!)
- And finally, never, EVER, give your friends and family a reason to think your marriage might go down the crapper:
;)
Thanks to Todd Kim, Anon M., Katie L., Allison, Anna C., Anon., and Solli S. for joining me in a rousing rendition of "Here Comes the Snide."
Reader Comments (54)
What possible reason could anyone have for making the dead dog cake? Why, why, WHY??!?
obviously the message of the first cake was that he had to face the BIG wedding because they … Can't Elope. (snigger, snigger)
Surely that poor doggy is NOT a grooms cake? ITs an awful cake to start out with let alone it being a grooms cake! 0.0
BTW, y'all keep up the good work lol
That poor puppy! That cake is going to give me nightmares!
Shirley - You beat me to the pun(ch)! :P
I'm going to hazard a wild guess that the dead zombie dog is from "Resident Evil". Which is also SO appropriate for a wedding... O_o
That bulldog is the mascot of the University of Georgia - it could imply that the bride will be limiting the groom's game time.
Great job Sharyn!
As far as the wrecks... no... just... no! So very wrong on so very many levels! And now I'm really really curious what exactly the heck is going on with that limp hose cake? Did they just use the leftover scrap cake pieces and make a big 'ol pile and cover it with frosting? Then put a weird hose thingy on it? What???
Cakes like this make me glad I didn't get married...
I'm hoping and praying and HOPING!! that the "UGA" on the dog's tag means that it's the mascot to a rival university, perhaps, and not actually condoning that sort of thing.
But personally, I'm still trying to sort out just what in the wide wide world of sports is that second cake supposed to be??
While the two dog cakes are completely inappropriate, they are both exceedingly skillfully done.
What kind of sick person would think that a run-over dog (or any animal) is funny? And then to think it's appropriate for a groom's cake-- well, if the bride hadn't had enough warning before hand that the groom's a jerk, *that* should make her reconsider linking herself to the man for the rest of her life. Annulment, anyone?
Now the rest of the cakes ARE funny. Particularly since they're mostly well done. (well, by the baker. The groom's judgment, on the other hand...). As for the fire hose cake: at least if the groom is publicly admitting to be limp (THAT would nip the "so when are you going to start a family?" questions in the bud) he consoled his poor bride with chocolate strawberries. Too bad there wasn't an "assistive device" on the cake along with the costume :)
I'm guessing groom #3 is an Auburn fan.
Aliza - Now I want to see a whole set of 'assistive device' cakes. Chocolate is an assistive device, right?
So I ask in all seriousness...Besides the wrinkly lavender hose just WHAT? is that second cake supposed to be? Is the white mound supposed to be a helmet with a number one on it? And that last picture is why the groom's cake should have it's own display area. Well, I guess all these cakes are reasons why.
Wow...um, that entrails cake needs a disclaimer! I'm glad 1. my husband has more class and 2. my small child didn't scroll through the wrecks with me today. That's really gruesome.
I like dogs. I do not like the dogs across the street. Even though I abhor the dogs across the street I would not ever want to see them crushed by a car . . . not even as a cake.
Looks like Uga IX got a little too close to the Alabama state line. Gives a new meaning to "Roll" Tide.
I understand the horror of the dead dog and toilet cakes, but it's number 6 that has me riveted.
The entire cake has the rear end of a turkey perched over it. It seems to be pooping shot gun shells while the cake itself oozes what I can only assume is liquid poo. I don't know what the little white, plastic thingie is on the front, but it looks to be a resting place for the only edible piece of cake salvaged from this giant, melting poo stack.
The hay! The pine boughs! The randomly placed turkey feathers! Oh my!
Only thing that would have made this better is if they put the toilet cake beside it.
What is the logic behind those cakes...why... O_o
I just flat out don't get the concept of a groom's cake. Even when they're not mindbendingly awful, they seem very juvenile. And it undermines the unitive aspect of marriage. "What's mine is yours, we're in this together, 'til death us do part. But the cake's mine, so hands off."
@Will: I think that's a perfect summation of my marriage, even 15yrs later!
The dog roadkill cake was definitely NOT for a University of Georgia fan. :-(
The look in the eyes of the non-dead dog cake says it all.......
1. I thought that was an ode to the chocolate orange.
2. Somewhere there is a robotic elephant missing his extendable trunk attachment.
3. Nothing unites a couple better than a shared hatred of a rival university, or the depiction of the gory death of small animals in cake form. Mmmm, intestines.
4. Apparently, the groom wants to break in the couch on his wedding night.
5. Please tell me those are chocolate feathers. Someone? Please? Okay, I realize the baker likely bought the feathers from a craft store or something instead of picking them up off the ground, but it still kinda squicks me out.
@Shirley Fowley: Hehe. : D
Is the groom's cake supposed to depict things the groom loves to do or things the groom will no longer do because his bride 'won't let him', or some combination of the two? I don't get it. AND. If the groom's cake is depicting something the groom loves and/or something he will no longer get to do, what is with the toilet cake? Is the groom never again going to use it? Does it mean that is the first and last time the bride will ever see the seat down?
true story: i have a friend who married a man whose groom's cake was a pyramid. was he an archaeologist? nope. special interest in egypt? no. he just wanted a cake that looked like a tomb, apparently.
but don't worry. we're divorced now. i mean THEY. THEY are divorced now... :)
I'd never heard of a "groom's cake" before, as they're not something we have in my country. I can't help but think the whole concept sort of goes against the sentiment of a wedding being the celebration of a meeting of two minds and all the things the couple has in common, not their differences. But, hey, any excuse for more cake, right?!
Man, I know there are people who are crazy obsessive over their college rivalry, but holy rusted metal batman! You do NOT have entrails at a wedding. eesh!
A toilet cake? Seriously? That poor woman!
A little pet peeve with the toilet cake picture ... why don't the beads on the black lace of the wedding cake line up?
@Shirley - can't elope - love it!
As for the purple hose thing, I once knew a boy who referred to his ahem "private part" as The Purple Helmeted Warrior" . . . so maybe this is something along the same line?? I dunno, other than that I got nothing.
The run over UGA mascot was probably a GA Tech fan. It may not be correct but in the South people are crazy for their college teams.
Depicting Uga being run over is inappropriate. Now, being mauled by the Clemson Tiger, that would be okay.
RJ -- the Groom's Cake is mostly a thing in the American South...
Fortunately, Wikipedia has a pretty good article explaining the custom:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Groom's_cake
I believe the dead dog was actually a wedding cake, and I believe it was for Georgia Tech fans. Larger images online show a "To Hell with Georgia" label, and the tire tread implies it was run over by the Ramblin' Reck.
Go Jackets!
@Amelia ~ HAH! That made me snort...thanks!
@Andrea ~ Robotic elephant is as good a guess as any I suppose. And I'll tell you that the feathers are chocolate! However, I may or may not now what I'm talking about... o_O
If you don't get the dead dog cake, you're probably not in the SEC! LOL. Wondering what a dead elephant cake would look like ... (GOOOO DAWGS! :D )
They ran over Uga! So very wrong. Go Dawgs!
The roadkill dog is way beyond disturbing. I think I will have nightmares over that one. O.o
Well that dead dog one really disturbs me. It wouldn't be appropriate anywhere in my opinion but what do I know? Ugh lol. I just hope it doesn't haunt my dreams. I am also quite glad we didn't have a groom cake at our wedding.
I'm a UF alum, and I still think the dead Dawg is gross. Couldn't they have gone with their university's mascot instead? The other (not dead) dog cake looks like my roommate's dog. I don't want to eat him either.
I had to zoom in on cake #2 to tell it was a firefighter's hose and helmet. Why did they choose white and purple?
The tradition of having two wedding cakes started in Victorian Britain, but I can see why it died out here. It's bad enough letting the groom make a speech.
That last cake - do you think the groom was a plumber/bathroom fittings manufacturer?
One of the other traditions with a "Groom's Cake" is that the bride is supposed to bake it herself, as proof she can actually cook. That has gone by the wayside, but the bride is still supposed to provide it to the groom.
Thanks, fellow CW fans for letting me know that it was a sports team competitive spirit and wishing for the demise of a mascot, rather than advocating harm to any living thing. I was really disturbed yesterday morning. Running over a costume is fair game! (not sure where entrails would come from in that case, mind you). Now, if that were an "unaturally-coloured maple leaf", it would've been so much better!! (Different sport, same rivalry)
And as for the groom's cake, my groom nearly got one-- early on, the caterer was willing to have me come in and bake one of our wedding cakes! Sadly, I was sick instead, waiting for 2 antibiotics to kick in.
@Gobbler... now that would be an amusing update to the "Amber" story... a fantasia party of cake :)
@Heather ~ A firefighters hose and helmet? You think so? I just spent 20 minutes looking at it and still can't see it.
A good friend had his groom cake decorated (properly and correctly might I add) with the shield logo of John Sheridan's White Star from Babylon 5.
And really, isn't that the perfect decoration for ANY cake?
Christ! That dog bride looks like it's been flayed alive! Way more disturbing than the ghastly run-over bulldog.
@Aliza ... nope, that's still a real "dawg." UGA has two mascots at a football game -- the real one ("Uga" ... pronounced "ugh-ah"), and the costume (Hairy Dawg). That one would be the real dog, even if he was a mascot. So yeah... disturbing, but then again I suppose I shouldn't laugh when I see rubber gators dragged behind cars, either. LOL.
Ah...although the original reason for the groom's cake has fallen by the wayside, I think the real reason they do it now is because of the stranglehold the bride usually has on every other aspect of the wedding. These days the wedding is often marketed as the bride's day and a lot of brides take it into stride. I feel like the Groom's cake is the consolation prize for having no control over anything else. That being said, in the weddings I've attended, I've only seen a Groom's cake once.
As for the Dead dog cake, I only get the UGA bit because I went to Georgia Tech. Its still doesn't make it any less gruesome a cake. How tacky....
@Shirley Fowley BRAVO!!
@Andrea I giggle/snorted over #5 so hard that it was more snort and I needed a Kleenex! Snot funny.
@Amelia We see what you did there.
Yeah, the doggy entrails are totally inappropriate and gross, but as a Georgia Tech fan, I appreciate the sentiment. Go Jackets!,
3rd cake: Is that a vacuum cleaner tube? WAIT! It's fire man stuff! Right?