Improper Grooming

Grooms-to-be, we need to talk.

Your future wife has probably been planning her dream wedding since puberty. So your job is to pick a groom's cake that shows you gave this one small decision more than 5 minutes' thought with a Magic 8 Ball while you waited for Halo to load.

So. A few tips:

- Don't give your infantile friends the chance to make "Big Melon" jokes: 

Because you know they will, and probably to your future mother-in-law.

(You might avoid this situation by printing out a simple reference guide for your baker:

- While we're at it, don't give your friends any openings for "limp hose" jokes, either.

 They'll probably save those for their toasts. 

("Good luck in China!")

- There is no place for entrails at a wedding. Ever.

Trust me, the bride will hate your guts. 

- Do not, under any circumstances, insinuate your bride is a female dog.

Not cool, man. Not cool.

- Also avoid any implication that you're having a shotgun wedding...

(...and that multiple shots were required)

...or that you were a sitting duck.

(That is a cake, right? The masterful camouflage is making it so hard to see!)

- And finally, never, EVER, give your friends and family a reason to think your marriage might go down the crapper:

Thanks to Todd Kim, Anon M., Katie L., Allison, Anna C., Anon., and Solli S. for joining me in a rousing rendition of "Here Comes the Snide."

Comments

[Skitmom]

Maybe that 1st cake, instead of being a failed bsktball? Maybe It's a "Can't Elope"? badda-boom

[Haiku Joy]

Tank or bowl, madam?
You see, they're different flavors.
Ah, Dad! Tank or bowl?

[nai]

I kinda like the duck cake. Without the ugly camoflouge or the weeds, I would totally like that. Ducks are awesome!

[Jenny]

I have to agree the dead dog is one of the most awful cakes I have EVER seen!

Many times, groom's cakes are a surprise to the groom, so I'm guessing on many of these, he had no idea he was even getting one! When someone orders a groom's cake for the groom, they try to go with his interests, job, etc., hence (unfortunately) the toilet cake.

The white blob on the limp hose cake - yep, pretty positive it's supposed to be a fire fighter's helmet.

I'm just amazed at what people think is good to send out the door!!! Keep the wrecks coming!