Wrecks Reel News
November 26, 2012 [Old-timey news reel music]
Coming to you from Harry's Five and Dime in beautiful downtown Pleasantville, this IS Wrecks Reel News!
The big shopping weekend of '53 saw a slew of seething shoppers descending on local mercantiles, all in hopes of grabbing the deal of the decade!
Just look at them all lining up in a polite and orderly manner:
;)
That's a Jim Dandy sight if I ever saw one!
The doors open, and they're off! Tearing through aisles, leaping over downed seniors; these fearless consumers will stop at nothing to get that last Timmy the Train:
;)
And who can blame them? This new and improved model now comes fortified with heart-healthy asbestos! Isn't that swell?
What's that? Little Johnny wants a new baseball mitt? Ha ha, that's on aisle 5, ladies!
;)
Boy, oh boy! That mitt's spiffy neat-o swell!
Ah, and here comes a satisfied customer now. Let's see how she's enjoying her shopping experi...
;)
"OUT OF MY WAY OR I WILL CUT YOU DEAD."
Whoah there, calm down, sweetheart! There's still plenty of time to buy your husband those new golf clubs before you have to make him dinner!
;)
And speaking of husbands, this weekend even saw a few men venturing out of their easy chairs to find a little somethin' for their darling dames!
Like high heels:
;)
Great for the gams! Perfect with aprons!
And makeup:
;)
Keen for the kisser!
And don't forget the Kirby Upright, now weighing in at just 47 pounds!
;)
So much easier to push around in those heels!
And that's all from Pleasantville!
We now return you to Walt Disney's The Story of Menstruation.
This has been Wrecks Reel News, reminding you that every day is a Marlboro day!
;)
Marlboro: Fresh, clean, and recommended by 4 out of 5 doctors AND your own baby!
;)
Thanks to Jess, Natalie B., Larissa G., Dani S., Alison, Brittni J., and Mark B. for reminding us that not everything was better in the good ol' days, and also that edible cigarettes are really, really nasty.
Reader Comments (38)
The cakes are always funny - but I'm starting to love your writing more. Keep up the good work and thanks!
LOVE it!
That baby at the end is priceless.
Sung to “Venus” (Venus if you will…)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YzjZHBiuNPg
Visa, if you will
Please put a Timmy the Train on my bill
And buy my son his own new baseball glove
Hey, Lady, c’mon, please don’t shove!
Visa, I don’t care
You just can’t find these golf clubs everywhere
And high heeled shoes are great gifts, tell the guys
Or makeup that will match my eyes
Visa, Mom needs something she can shove
A new vacuum that will last
Honestly, she’ll be aghast
Visa, if you will
Please help me fund a nice nicotine thrill
Much better than prenatal vitamins
With Marlboro, everyone wins!
There are no words adequate to describe that Marlboro ad…
I'm feeling a wee bit over-smoked, I think I'll have to mop the windows later.
That last add still gives me nightmares.
Just watched "The Story of Menstruation," and boy, is my uterus exhausted. I guess I'll just have to put off darning the toilet, too.
I think I enjoyed the link to the story of menstruation more than the cakes! I was laughing at 7:30 in the clip. "After all, no matter how you feel, you have to live with people. You have to live with yourself too. And once you stop feeling sorry for yourself and take those days in your stride, you'll find it's easier to keep smiling and even tempered."
Don't tell me I have to live with people! =)
I am so glad you linked the video because I had not seen it before. I'm still laughing every time I think about that 30 seconds of the video.
Love it! Can we see the color versions? Is that tin foil on the makeup cake? (As the mirror?)
thanks for the clever, nostalgic presentation today....as a kid I went to the movies a lot, and the black and white "news of the day" was a regular feature...well done....
@Sharyn: yes, we can get all that stuff with a credit card...but you're priceless......
@SuBee: hahahaha
The Cylon seems slightly miffed at having three balls.
Bwahahaha, cannot believe that old cigarette ad. Those cakes are gawd awful
Absolutely love this! I've got the news announcer from "Tales of Adventure" (from Up) running through my mind as I read this
@BADKarma Thank you! I had not seen the Cylon!
Okay, Your Royal Snarkiness, where was the NSFW warning for the video link? hmm? I may not be at work today but that's a good warning in case some of us dorks (points at self) think maybe they're going to see a parody of a Disney story or something...Yech. I only got 2 minutes into it and decided to come back to the cakes...that music and narration was going to put me slap to sleep. ;)
BTW, is the movie "Pleasantville" worth seeing?
Just finished "The Story of Menstruation." If only I'd known this sooner! Here, I thought I was possessed by fire monsters once a month. If I'd only known I was supposed to stop feeling sorry for myself, stand straight, and maybe brush on a bit of mascara, I might not have killed my entire family. Oh well, live and learn.
That darn pituitary gland. What a minx!
XOXO.
Cake Wrecks!! Now Even Wreckier in Color-Free B&W!!
Great post, and thank you guys as always for starting my week out with a giggle.
I want to say something witty and clever here, but I can't think of anything... that Marlboro ad has left me speechless.
Ahhh!!! The appearance of Large Marge!
And Jessica would seem to have a bad case of the cankles.
The Marlboro ad? Really? Wow.
Such a well-done post, Team! I am always in awe of your creativity. Thank you!
Great post! I read the whole thing with a 1950s newsreel announcer voice in my head.
Barbara Anne: "Pleasantville" is a wonderful movie! One of my favorites.
*Watches video* blink. Blink. I have too many words. But that takes too long. Let me sum up. *AaaarrrrRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGG!!!!!!!!* Inconcievable.
The shopper cake looks like a bad immitation of Endora from Bewitched
Haha this was great!
I would like to see some color on that rather overly stressed-out woman. I'm fairly certain she was supposed to be Lucille Ball. Would color help me be certain?
Maybe she was just "over-smoked". What the blazes does over-smoked even mean??????
I'm pretty sure I saw that look in a few people's eyes (wreck #4) when I was up at o'dark:thirty on Friday.
That Marlboro cake made me gag. I mean, yeah, I did the whole candy cigarette thing when I was a kid (minty flavored chalk anyone?) but a cake? Complete with ashtray??? Who gets that piece???
The good news is that I'm no longer hungry so that's something. CW saves the diet again!
Thanks Barbara Anne for the NSFW warning on the video. I'll check it later since I may or may not currently be at work (crutches SUCK!!!).
@Sharyn ~ I agree with mel, you're priceless!
Okay, does ANYBODY else think that the makeup cake looks eerily like some kind of weird open coffin on display?
Or is just that I worked too much today and now I'm all loopy?
OR BOTH?? ;')
Yikes. Is that supposed to be Lucille Ball? She reminds me of how their eyes started to look towards the end of Death Becomes Her. And, I'm sorry, but her hair looks like intestines.
Even in black and white, Lucille (that's what I'm calling the wanky-eyed she-devil cake) looks like she's got coils of poo for hair. I can only hope that in color, it's not a bright red, or she'd look like her bowels exploded.
And why DOES that Kirby have three balls?
Wow. Just watched the video. The anatomy diagrams were SO wrong! And I love how they make the process look like a game on a pinball machine.
Wish I would have known last week that eating fruit would prohibit menstrual pain. If I'd had a couple of apples, I probably wouldn't have felt like I had a lead ball in my stomach, and an elephant was standing on it.
Believe it or not, doctors used to PRESCRIBE smoking for pregnant women to keep their weight down. I couldn't find an ad about it. But I found this vintage Marlboro ad that has to be my favorite:
http://nursemyra.files.wordpress.com/2008/05/do-you-inhale.jpg
I think maybe if that "satisfied shopper" inhaled she'd be a lot more . . . . um. . . . satisfied.
Awww, I can't watch the video! Boooo... I guess I'll try again later...
Oddly enough, the Disney film was full of much better advice that has been handed out for the past generation.
"Treat your body well, eat well, sleep well, and it will feel better than if you don't."
Yeah, obviously a patriarchal plot to ruin all y'all's day.
I may just watch too many cartoons, but I read this entire post in the voice of the radio announcer from "Avatar: Legend of Korra." It was quite perfect, and I am content.
Thanks for the horrible hilarity once again!
You know, that video seemed an awful lot like the one I saw in 5th grade, when the girls were shut in a classroom to see "the movie", and the boys were sent out during the school time to play football on the playground (which they weren't supposed to play at recess...), and we got the 70's version of that booklet, I'm sure! Yeah, "...a twinge or touch of nerves..." my patootie! Too funny!
Loved the post too. I'd guess the B/W photos actually might help better see the details on some of those to really identify what those were originally supposed to be!
I'm pretty certain that lady shopper cake is Lucille Ball... which is so fitting in this post, eh?!
I think that Lucy cake will haunt my dreams tonight lol. Man that video was priceless. The things you learn I guess..and wish you could forget. Now off to not go to sleep tonight thanks wreckerators lol.
#3C Yes, the hair is bright red, as in looks-like-raw-meat red. Just in case it wasn't already creepy enough. I've seen a few cases of exopthalmos in my time, but never one where the iris was bulging out from the eyeball. Oy.
#7C Ooh, they got the cupcake attachment! Those are rare. My Kirby (yes, really) is built like a tank -- it certainly feels that way when I lift it. But it sucks so ferociously (in the positive sense) that I haven't felt the slightest need to rewire it. Not today, anyway. Oh-oh-oh.
#8C What is the language on the cake, Turkish? If that is the case, it would have fit in well last week. (Zing!) All seriousness aside, the ad that follows redefines 'disturbing'. "Just one question, Mom: what the fern are you thinking?" Here I thought 'over-smoked' was what happened when somebody (either 'Not Me' or 'Ida Know') forgot to open the little vent on the Weber.
I decided to skip the video and go play football instead.
The video was so informative, I watched the whole thing.
It is Turkish on the Marlboro cake. (It says "smoking cigarettes shortens/decreases life")
The satisfied customer cake reminds me of Sharon Needles.