October is Caffeine Addiction Recovery Month
October 1, 2012 Hi, my name is john, and I'm a caffeine-oholic. It's been 4 months since my last 2-liter of Diet Mountain Dew, and today I feel so much bett...zzzZZZZzzz.
Huh? What? Where am I? Oh.
Well, um, aside from sleeping most of the time, I feel like a million bucks. Plus the jitters and facial tics are almost gone!
So today, I'd like to encourage some of you bakers out there to also give up the sauce, since it's obviously affecting your work:
;)
Some of you might remember the great Jolt Epidemic of 1996.
;)
Those were dark times.
Now, I know what you're thinking: "How am I [twitch] going to [twitch] finish all these %&;$#! cakes if I don't have my morning cocktail of Red Bull and Turkish coffee with a NoDoz chaser?! [twitchtwitchtwitch]"
;)
Well, I'm not gonna lie: it'll be hard at first. You may find yourself nodding off every now and then. Or every five seconds.
;)
But with time you'll find you can stand still again without registering a 4.8 on the Richter scale:
;)
And you'll soon feel clear-headed enough to yell intelligible curses at the customers who ask for a Hunger Games cake with fewer spills on it:
;)
And then - THEN - you can finally get back to misspelling things legibly again.
;)
Oh, joy.
;)
Thanks to Anony M., Gabrielle S., Joe V., Kerri E., Katherine L., Amy S., Jr M., and Joy S. for the buzz kills.
Reader Comments (45)
Wow, they outlined the poo smears on that last cake. Color me so impressed. After seeing these cakes, that'd be somewhere in the green family. *hurk*
Nice giraffe spots, Joy! The Hunger Games cake looks completely unappetizing, but the jittery handwriting is hilarious!
Congratulations on your diet Mountain Dew-free 4 months, John! It's really hard to wean yourself off of pop. I had to have severe stomach pain (gallstones) for hours (on multiple days, because, "gallstones are from fat in the diet, so it can't be the pop, right?") to decide maybe I shouldn't have that Cherry Coke. I miss Cherry Coke... Wild Cherry Pepsi... Vanilla Coke... On the other hand, my stomach doesn't hurt. That's always a plus.
The last cake reminds me of those mini inspirational books.
JOY is...
...a lively colony of bacteria.
...a field of hay after the cows have passed by.
...an aerial view of the hog lagoons.
Are those "acorns" on the Joy cake? Those look like Kwanzaa candles? Frosting blobs more edible than corn nuts, if not as appetizing.
Oh my gosh, that last one is awesome!
But let us not forget The Hunger Games one. Looks like Peeta's sad brother with less cake decorating skills made that gem.
My Interview With A 2-Year Old.
Sung to “Addicted to Love” by Robert Palmer
http://www.dailymotion.com/video/xsddy_addicted-to-love-robert-palmer_music
The lights are on, and you’re alone
Your hands shake on their own
Your palms sweat, your body quakes
Another sip, you’re wide awake
“Congratulations” – it isn’t hard
You write like a drunkard
It’s hard to read, but don’t forget
You can just drizzle it with chocolate
Whoa, you like to think that you’re immune to the stuff, you dolt
It’s closer to the truth to say you can’t get enough
You know you’re gonna have to face it, you’re addicted to Jolt
You pipe the lines, that we can’t read
“Happy Birthday” written at speed
So now you’ve quit – cold turkey time
Nathaniel’s cake has trailed off lines, what with the lines?
The cupcake tray just can’t be saved
Though you worked hard and you slaved
If there’s a lesson here for you
It’s cut the sprinkles down by a few
Ohohoh, you finally faced it and got off of the stuff, oh yeah.
Now we can all see that you think spelling is tough, you know
You can understand why Carey got kind of gruff
Might as well face it, now you’re off of caffeine
You’re not spelling better just because you’re serene
Your work caused such sadness in a moment of Joy
What was once illegible now serves to annoy
Alex, you're right! How could I not have seen it? It's a more appetizing version of Sandra Lee's infamous Kwanzaa Cake!
JOY is...
...the absence of corn nuts.
Lolol@Sharyn. The sad part is my cakes look that way without me being a caffeine addict :/
@mindy -- that's SO true. I look at bakery cakes and think "I can do better!" but my piping skills are pretty pathetic -- of course, I also don't charge for my efforts...
Why did Joy ask for a cake with poo paramecium cells on it?
Oh, this was so funny!
John, glad you're off the Mountain Dew. When I had asthma, my pulmonologist was addicted to Mountain Dew. I started calling him "Chaz the Spaz," and none of the nurses had to ask who I was talking about. The year he gave up Mountain Dew for Lent, I told the nurses I'd pray for them every day. And his wife. But he made it!
I love the Jolt cake with the dark scribbles. Someone is clearly out of hand. And that JOY cake? It looks like the Bluebird of Happiness plooped all over it.
Oh, I forgot: Sharyn, you picked one of my favorite songs and videos! Another classic.
Sharyn will forever be the master, but this came into my head today so I thought I'd share it. With a shaky nod to Eric Clapton's "Cocaine":
When you’re making a cake and your hands start to shake; caffeine
When you nearly destroy brown amoebas of joy; caffeine
You will cry, you will cry, you will cry; caffeine
When you start to convulse, customers are repulsed; caffeine
When the Red Bull is gone, icing just trails on; caffeine
Please don’t try, please don’t try, please don’t try; caffeine
I'm not exactly getting the "ribbons" on cake 1. The bottom two pink, uh, decorations with some sort of smiley face? The one on the left looks a little like a specific part of male anatomy to me. Am I the only one with their mind in the gutter?
I think the Joy cake has Motaba.
I was admiring the cammo sprinkles on the Hunger Games cake (not) and thinking rather savage thoughts about cake decorators when it dawned on me. I'm getting a wonderful education just reading CakeWrecks. We have today's health lecture. We get spelling and penmanship. We've had some spectacular geography lessons (thanks, Canadians). We get art and anatomy (although we may wish we didn't).
Thanks, Jen and John (thoj) and all the CW regulars.
Excellent post, John (thoJ)! And congrats on 4 months DMD free! My hubby John (thoM) gave up his Diet Coke addiction last year.... and replaced it with coffee. So really he just gave up artificial sweeteners (he drinks his sludge black, unless there's a word that means "more black than black").
Bravo Sharyn! Might as well face it, I'm addicted to your songs.
@SarahB, you're not alone. I saw the same thing and giggled about it, but I wasn't going to be the first one to say it!
I just wanted to say... I think this is the first time I've been disappointed here at Cake Wrecks. Not by the cakes, but by the choice of subject for today.
It's October 1, for the love! It's EPCOT Center's 30th birthday. (Oh, wait, what? it's just Epcot now? BLURGH) I thought for sure this would be the place to come for a celebration of that!!
;-)
[Editor's note- You are so. Mean. I was fully expecting someone to come at me with "Caffeine addiction is a serious disease! How DARE you?!" Okay. Well, the day's not over yet. So mean... :) -john]
1) Earthworms with furless teddy bear faces. Mmmmm.
Caffeine is like a magic potion that makes you spell correctly.
Caffeine won't, however, help with decorating skills or knowing when to JUST STOP ALREADY! (I'm looking at you, cake #2)
7) It's a story board for a Joy dishwashing liquid commercial. It depicts Joy cutting through the grease on a molecular level.
Congratulations, John(thoJ). I've got one soda free week under my belt, but I've cheated. I've switched to drinking coffee (one cup in the morning, black). When this bag of coffee is done, I'll switch to green tea. I can't go cold turkey like you did. My rationalization is that there are studies that say coffee is good for you, but definitely none that have anything good to say about soda. : - S
Happy Monday!
CAKE #7
Wreckerator: So you want the cake to say, "Ra-ra-ra! Carey and Craig!"
Customer: No, I want it to say "Congratulations Carey and Craig."
Wreckerator: Okay, "Congratulations! Ra! Ra! Carey and Craig!"
Customer: No, just "Congratulations Carey and Craig." No "Ra-ra-ra." No "Ra-ra." I don't want even a single "ra" before the names.
Wreckerator: Okay, okay, I got it...
That last one looks as though Hankie decorated it...
"CongTulaTions" is original, at least. Not like the played out over used "Congraduations" and the like.
Am I the only one who saw "God Bless Nathaniel" but thought "The Castle of Arrrggghhh......"?
I'm seeing leopard spots on the Joy cake.
Caffeine addiction is a serious disease! How DARE- oh, wait. Never mind... :D hahaha I think I got almost as much enjoyment out of that comment as I did out of the post, and this is seriously one of the funniest posts yet. Three cheers for kicking the habits! Now, how about some 1st grade spelling lessons and sprinkle embargo? :D
YAAAAAY JOHN!!!! 4 months is awesome! So glad the determination's paying off.
I haven't laughed that hard in a while. Thanks.
@ "JOY" cake - My God, what is that THING?!
Ah, yes, the caffeine shakes... that's why I had to give the stuff up (well, except what's in chocolate, of course, and decaf isn't really, completely caf-free, but... mostly gave it up) - I was getting shakes and palpitations and other unpleasant effects I decided I'd rather live without. Remember, tea is less caf than coffee! At least if you don't let it stew too long.
I do have a word of advice for our poor quivering wreckorators, though - for Pete's (and everybody's) sake, get a larger piping tip! Try a #3 or #4 instead of a #1 or #2! Either that, or thin down your piping icing a bit. Sheesh, this isn't rocket science...
Thanx John (thoj) another great post!!
@Bob~ I'm pretty sure that's exactly how it happened... in MY head at least!
@Sharyn ~ I'm adding all of these songs to my playlist but with your lyrics instead. Yep, I'm your #! fan! (not in a creepy stalker way tho!)
@zoomom ~ I made it through sharyn's song without spewing coffee but lost it on yours. Thanks for that!
What the heck is that supposed to be on cake #1? I've done everything except turn my monitor upside down but still can't figure it out. Apparently I've been here to long, my first thought was something phallic as well. o_O
@zoomom -- Bravo. Standing ovation.
True story: When I started college I received a welcome pack from the school that contained a sample of Vivarin (no joke). A couple weeks into the semester I decided to try the Vivarin because I wanted to be alert for a chemistry test. I popped those puppies while sitting in my car before going to class. Needless to say I shook uncontrollably through my chemistry exam and for the rest of the day. It's a wonder my professor was able to read a single answer.
@Sharyn - we're old, aren't we? That link was for the youngins, right? "Robert who? Is he Arnold's brother? I've never seen him play golf..." (I LOVE R. Palmer!! Best single went unreleased, though - "It could happen to you", I think it was. Beautiful old song that he covered. Very romantic...)
Ok, 'nuff reminiscing...
@zoomom - I just heard "Cocaine" on the radio this afternoon - how apropos!
@John(thoj) - hope you have better luck than I! I went off caffeine this morning. (Well, down to pure decaf, anyway.) Been cutting back for a week! Then I got really sleepy this afternoon & had a 1-hr drive to do, so I blew it & had half an energy drink...(either caffeine or car crash...) <sigh> will try again tomorrow...and the next...and the next...:-)
Bleeehhhh...I should know better by now, but I was reading this while eating dinner. All was well until I got to the Joy of Runny Poo cake. Now I feel like ralphing.
@Bob awesome, sir! Just awesome.
@Sharyn and zoomom I love you in a non-celery kind of way.
@j(thoj) congaratshuns, sir! caffeine addiction is a serious disease but I love making fun of it- I'm more caffeine free than decaf, myself. :D My mother has joked that now we need to cut down on my excess of personality. Charming woman.
Good luck, John. I commend you. Enjoy your baby-cow free days.
Very interesting how I could read the shaky wrecks, as somehow shaking gave the ability to spell to the wreckers. It's a quandry... to shake and spell or not to shake and misspell? That is the question. Of which you know the answer. The answer is always.... oh, but I digress.
Sharyn, you always get me, Zoomom --- got me better! Two of my fave songs, and I"m sure my dh did not appreciate the singing here at 11:18 PM, as he went to bed at 9. (he gave up the babycow, too) I have not.
Tea, properly steeped - between 3 and 4 minutes, except for green, 60 seconds, white tea, 30 seconds. I drink proper English Breakfast.... "all night long... all night long...." well - and all day. No, caffeine has NOTHING to do with my jitters. In fact, it's worse without it.
Shame on EPCOT basher. I'm sure there's an EPCOT in there somewhere, or at least an Epbot. Maybe you were looking at the wrong site.
oooooooohhhhhh - shiny!
Wow all these wreckerators must be sleep deprived as well as caffeine deprived lol. I had a heck of a time reading the derek and tammi cake. Sheesh. Scary poo splotches on one and dirt on the hunger games one wow lol these cakes will fill someones nightmares tonight.
Yum...scrambled cupcakes!
Jolt. Dude. I had totally forgotten that. I have a lost weekend in Chicago completely fueled by beer and Jolt cola.
Dark days indeed.
Is no-one else repulsed by the very idea of having a Hunger Games *cake*? Hunger Games, anyone see/read it? "Don't let them starve!"...is any of this familiar? No, just no, the irony is literally sickening.
It's hard to write with silly string.
I call foul on that last one!
We know full well that there is NO JOY IN MUDVILLE!
Rirutto?