You Say Tomato, I Say Turnip
January 13, 2012 Hey, everybody! Do you know what time it is?!
That's right, it's "You write the &%#* post, john!!" time!
So, uh, yeah.
Let's see... I need something really easy to write so I can go back to playing my video game. (Those aliens aren't gonna kill themselves!)
Right, how about some wedding missed marks? Or as I like to call them, "Let's have an Epcot in the comments about getting what you paid for!"
Weee.
BEGIN!
;)
Ooh, pretty. Of course, this cake was on MarthaStewart.com so it was probably made with platinum shavings and unicorn tears.
Now let's see what Patty I. ended up with.
;)
Bummer.
(On a side note, all I can hear as I write this is the MarioKart music as Jen vanquishes her little cartoon foes. That and the occasional, "In YOUR FACE, Donkey Kong!!")
Next cake:
;)
No lie, this is one of my favorite cakes in our library. And please note that it's made with fondant.
Or as Buddy would call it, Fahn Dahn.
Now, people often complain that Missed Marks always have a fondant inspiration cake with an all-buttercream wreck, which is why they're so horrifically bad. So for a better comparison, here's Tina M's resulting cake which was made with fondant:
;)
It's like apples and pigeons.
(I'm now laughing maniacally at my own joke. I think I'm tired.)
I can't think of anything funny to say about this next cake. So instead, I'll just sing a song that's currently stuck in my head.
"You're BEAUtiful! You're BEAUtiful! You're BEAUtiful - it's true!"
;)
"La, la, la, something WHAT to do."
Aaand, that's all I know.
;)
Also, I'd like to apologize to Michael and Stephanie for taking 4 years to post your cake. I overslept.
This next inspiration cake is awesome:
;)
Huh. Maybe this one is my favorite. Maybe I just like blue. I'm so confused.
Never mind. So let's analyze the incredible complexity and skill required to make the gorgeous design above:
Step 1. Make a three-tiered round cake.
Step 2. Stick blue circles on it.
Aaand let's see how Serena P.'s bakers did!
;)
Perfect!
Well, that's all the time I have, since I'm pretty sure I just heard a Wii remote hit the wall. And that's never good. ("Oh no, Luigi lose! MAMA!")
So, until next time, be thankful that Jen writes this blog.
Reader Comments (71)
Oh John, you're BEAUtiful, too- it's true. But now I'll have that stupid, hateful song stuck in my head all day and I won't know what to do.
You did a fine job, but I'm sooo scared. We're meetng with a baker tomorrow to discuss a sweet sixteen cake. After years of the Food Network and Sunday Sweets she has been programmed to want a CAKE. A cake just won't do. AND every now and then she says, "wouldn't it be hysterical if my cake is a wreck??" No.
So John, I thank you for this post. I think I'll show it to the baker tomorrow. If he/she says,"Oh yeah, I saw that yesterday, they've got a customer!
Delightfully snort inducing! Thanks John!!
John (thoJ), I love your posts. So honest! So sincere! So riotous!
Also, just have to say: you get what you pay for. (What? You practically insisted it be done.)
Wow, those are some incredible disasters.
Dot cake - why lumpy?
Bakers with poor drawing skills
Make more wrecks for us!
*bows to sensei HaikuJoy*
As I was enjoying this post (which is awesome, John. I love when you write too!) the song "At Seventeen" was playing on the radio. So this is what happened in my head:
I learned the truth from Cake Wrecks’ team
that lovely cakes in buttercream
and fondant both can turn out gross
even when you pay through the nose.
Beware when bakers say “I can;
no need to check a reference, ma’am.”
Just use the Sweets Directory
and prevent a cake catastrophe.
Is that a mother and child on top of Tina's wedding cake???
A rousing "oh, look, you TRIED!" out to the wreckarators. (Or however the samsung you spell that. My six-year-old's home with a snowday. And he's doing math for fun. My focus is split.) A rousing "if you chose THAT cake topper, you brought it on yourself" to those with cake toppers because, well. dang...there's a reason the inspiration photos didn't have cake toppers.
I used to get really confused when I would hear friends who were getting married talk about doing a "trial run" with their cake designer. I am no longer confused.
I am, however, an optimist (or at least I try to be), and I have to say that while the cake itself is a disaster, I LOVE Tina's cake topper!
Finally... thank you, John, for getting that song stuck in my head (but that was your plan all along, wasn't it?).
Heehee. Unicorn tears.
That last cake has the worst case of smurfpox I've ever seen.
I thought for sure that all the Cake Wrecks readers would be snarky enough that the only comment you'd see is:
You get what you pay for.
Blah, blah, blah Epcot blah. :P I like blue, too, so it's so nice that most of these were blue. :) I'm sure the brides were too when they saw these wrecks. LOL
I hear some unicorns crying right now.
I've vowed to use "It's like apples and pigeons" three time today. (My husband didn't even miss a beat -- as soon as I said it, he replied, "No, it's like six or two threes." We both found that hysterical -- guess we're tired, too... He's a keeper.)
I love your stream-of-consciousness posts. Now, go fix the Wii remote and patch that hole in the wall. Those aliens are getting pretty close.
For a second, I thought that first Bible cake was really nicely executed.
Then I thought, "Who wants to eat a Bible?"
@ Naomi--Love the Smurfpox reference. Last summer Italy we were at a gelato shop where they had Smurf gelato. No lie, it's what they called it. I didn't have the nerve to try it. The thought of those little blue cowlicks just would not let me take a bite.
"That's 'G-r-a-t-e Expectations', by Edmund Welles."
i must be tired too John ... i'm laughing hysterically at " apples and pigeons" too.. My daughter is sitting beside me.. what's so funny? Because i'm layed over ontop the printer laughing my sleepy head off...
ps.. the wrecks were pretty funny too
then i went back and read the title... and started all over again.... thanks John... I need a laugh
I love your posts, too, John THOJ.
Unicorn tears! Hee!
That last one looks suspiciously like something I made out of Play-Doh. When I was six. HOW do you get all those lumps in there? Is there a sack of kittens rolling around under there? What?
Well, you know what they say: YOU GET WHAT YOU PAY FOR! *points at John, THOJ* "He made me do it!"
I think I'll head over to the Epcot Bunker just for fun. I'll bring BLUEberry muffins.
Good luck to SueBee. And Sharyn, HI-larious. Yes, a keeper for sure!
You know, as my Great -Great- Great (Repeating) Grandmother Spendthrift used to say, "You get what you paid for." (With a condescending head tilt / eye raise) Now SHE was an original!
EPCOTED!
Wait... it's the thirteenth!
And...?
Such a shame to see such pretty cakes get so horribly wreckplicated. 0_o
Always love your posts, John (thoj)!
Smurfpox!? I'm giggling madly in here while trying to escape my kids (freakin' snow day . . . )
I love when you have these posts, too funny!! It also just make my opinion stronger that you should NEVER buy a cake from a place that will do replica of another cake.
If her name is "Patty I." and I'm seeing M's on the cake, did the baker not only screw up the design but also use the wrong monogram?
Cake 02... I have found my wedding cake... It is soooo pretty... It looks like a wave crest!!!
Oh.....(You realize i'm talking about the picture BEFORE the wreck, right?)..... I'm speechless...
Half of those cakes aren't so bad though, you gotta give em credit for that much at least.
"It's like apples and pigeons!"
This is going to be my motto for 2012--I love it so much. Although "I overslept" is also good... maybe I can work them both in.
Jen and John, I love you both! So if you're trying to decide which of you will write this thing, sorry, I am unable to cast the tie-breaking vote.
Butternoodles twine
'tween twin twerpy headstones. Hurk.
RIP, cake-dreams.
*bows to GrnEyes6*
The cake with the waves, made from Fahn Dahn made me laugh out loud in my office cube. Not that I'm a professional decorator in any sense of the word, but oh my Dad! I would be so ashamed of that. LOL!!!
I am SO very completely happy that I got to see this post because of a SNOW DAY!! I absolutely LOVE snow days! Sorry Dierdre, I've lived through 77 days with 24 kindergartners, I deserve a snow day off.
Unicorn tears. Apples and pigeons. You slayed me.
You hum "You're Beautiful", I hear "Beard With Glue" (Bad Lip-Reading version), which I believe fits these wrecks quite well. Thanks for the laughs!
The book in the Bible from which the quote is taken is, I believe, Proverbs. The S must have escaped from this wreck. I just love it when a wreck as more than one thing wrong with it.
Oh these poor, sad cakes. To see such beauty copied so horribly brings a tear to my eye.
ahhhhahahahaha!! did they cover it with ribbon (on the last cake) to keep the spots from falling off, or just to distract the eye from it's hideousness.
Platinum shavings and unicorn tears are only available in the Hamptons...so what is everyone else supposed to do? I have finally come to the conclusion that this is why my cakes just don't compare.
HIMlarious!!
Why?! Who let's these people work with cakes? It's an abomination.
Good heavens--the cake we based our wedding cake was made with fondant. Only I HATE the taste of fondant, so we asked for buttercream. My mom had a moment of panic, because the buttercream was so smooth she thought they used fondant. (Fortunately we just had a really good bakery.) So how these "professionals" can get either fondant or buttercream that lumpy is beyond me.
2 things: 1. was something lost in translation here? And 2. Would somebody br so kind as to explain what exactly an "Epcot" is? Because I'm picturing the big, white golfball thing at Disney World...
We the undersigned:
Agree that blue is epic.
Agree that being confused is a good excuse for doing just about anything.
me
myself
I
MOTION PASSED!!!
Tiffany:
To find out what an "Epcot" is, click on "FAQ" near the top of this page. Then click on "OK, I give up. What's an Epcot?"
Epcot is an indispensible piece of Cake Wrecks lore.
Jen, please punch John in the shoulder for me. That song will be stuck in my head for DAYS! And not even the whole song. Oh no. It'll be fragments. My brain hates me. Lol
ok, i think you and Jen win the 'Most Adorable Couple Ever' award. hehe
meanwhile, i've loved this blog for many moons and having loved it for so i have just realised 2 things:
1. how a 'professional' can look at a cake that is so obviously terrible and allow it to leave their shop and be an advertisement for their company i will never know.
2. how these same professionals must surely be aware of the existence of your blog by now, or at least some of them be aware, and not be very very afraid their cake will end up on here, thereby making them take some pride in their work!
and i find i am grateful that they have not mended their ways as if there were no wrecks, there would be no blog! i shudder at the thought.
O! O! I know the answer! ... frantically waving both hands... To create those lumps *under* buttercream, do not allow the cake to cool, and do not brush the loose crumbs off before plastering. It is harder, but still easy enough with fondant: don't brush the crumbs off AND (using rolled fondant) try to pick it up as a sheet with your fingers and stick it on the cake. Flinging fondant at the cake creates an entirely different effect and is best left to perfessionuls.
I've heard of personalized books, but getting your name in the Bible is going a bit too far.
Okay, I can't even figure out the (apparent) monogram in the "wreck" version of the first cake. I'm going with:
-Treble clef
-followed by an @ sign merged with the symbol pi
-and then the greek letter pheta.
Am I right?
Strange names parents give their children these days...
fortunately, I know not the song of which you speak. ignorance can be bliss, apparently.
John (thoJ), you see what she did there? she got you to write her post for her! grow a spine, man! you clearly get stuck with the grunt/crud jobs like transforming crack houses (bet that was her idea), taking thousands of lights off a tree by hand and then she even advises she doesn't let you do the cute decorating work! sigh I worry about you sometimes.
pssssst, Jen, you rock! (tee hee)
btw, you get what you pay for and I love gobbler's idea of how some of these get decorated!