Project Wreckway
January 11, 2011 Cake expert, Tom Gann: "Pastry chefs, I am leaving you with five minutes to finish your cakes for this week's show. I'm egregiously consternated that some of you might not finish in time, but I am confident that you all have the Sturm und Drang to 'wow' me. Your desserts to this point have consistently been astrudently bralifiscent! So, make it work!"
{moments later}
Hilga Flan: "Designers, welcome to the runway. Your challenge this week was to design a cake where your only limit was your imagination. As you know, in baking, you're either thin or you're stout. Let's start the show."
Kelly: "I wanted my design to be whimsical and childlike, but still fashion forward."
Judge #1, Editor of Gourmet Cake Monthly, Mia Gonzales: "I don't get it. We wanted a high fashion cake, not an arts and craft project."
Judge #2, Founder of Cols Frosting, Daniel Cols: "Butterfly flotsam is SO last season."
Judge #3, Supermodel, Hilga Flan: "It's a hot mess."
*
Mikeal: "I'm not afraid of colour, and I love to stand out."
Mia: "Mikeal, I don't even know where to begin. I'm really beginning to question your taste level."
Daniel: "I agree with Mia; this is just painful to look at. There's way too much going on! The swirls... the ribbons... the flowers... the horses... the swirls... pick a theme and GO WITH IT!"
Hilga: "It's a hot mess."
*
Lindsay: "I love couture, so I wanted to keep my design elegant and chic."
Mia: "Lindsay, it's like you've never decorated a cake before in your life. This is... It's just... I am speechless."
Daniel: "I'm really not getting it. Is any of this even edible? If this is couture, get me out of the cake business, NOW."
Hilga: "It's a hot mess."
*
Frederick: "My design was inspired by my mother. She was a florist."
Mia: "More like, she was a BORIST. What a snoozefest."
Daniel: "I see how it was inspired by your mother. It's like, mother of the bride meets the spray paint department at K-Mart. And it's so matronly! What's with the stripes? I... I just don't get it."
Hilga: "I kind of like this one. It's like it's had a kiss from a rose."
Daniel: "Ugh... you would like this one."
*
Santiago: "I spent last summer in China, and it inspired me."
Mia: "Santiago, this is outstanding. I would take this cake to a party right now."
Daniel: "I agree. This is just stunning. I think the dragon is now, it's modern, it's hip. The kiwis and cherries are what's happening in cake decorating... it's really well thought out. Bravo."
Hilga: "Santiago, it's really hot. You're this week's winner! Congratulations! You will have immunity in next week's challenge, where you will all have 20 minutes to decorate a wedding cake while hog-tied and blindfolded."
Chasity B., Sue M., Alex N., Shawn B., Shana C., I recommend that you accessorize your designs thoughtfully; perhaps by adding some piping and a few more layers? (Get it? Cause there are layers and piping in both cake and clothes?) Seriously, make it work.
Reader Comments (92)
ok, as a huge fan of PR, this post rocks!!!
:o) :o) :o) :o)
OK, that is superb. Nailed it. Just...awesome sauce.
It takes a lot for the online world to make me laugh out loud, but this site makes it happen it so often.....props to Number 1 for nailing the judges!
what about andre?
HAHAHAHAHA!!! This so perfectly describes last season!
Your blog has won immunity (no, really, that's a compliment).
Love this post so, so much. As a lover of your blog and PR it was the perfect blend of awesomeness.
I looove the Merry-Go-Round cake. I'm going to go make my own right now! (If I could make roses like that I'd do it all day). But the one underneath it is such a complete wreck that I howled. That's cake? I thought it was the pile decorators made at the end of the table, of stuff that didn't work.
Thats so funny! I didn't eve know what any of those were. If I was a judge they would all be gone. I can even do better than that! :) haha
Oy, I haven't been on this blog in a WHILE. I'm glad to see your still at making great content.
I like it when you do scripts like this even though I'm sure there a bit more work.
Making me gladder and gladder I'm always busy on Thursday nights. I watched one season of Project Runoff and decided I'd stick to sweatpants and t-shirts for all my fashion needs.
Luckily I like cake too much to give it up....
why are there boobs on Daniel's cake?
When I first saw the name Tom Gann, I immediately thought of Paul McGann. (For all you non-Doctor Who geeks out there, he played the Doctor for precisely 1 episode in 1996.)
-Jacob
Lindsay's cake looks like it has two of those mucous people from the Mucinex commercials.
Oh it is WRONG how much I enjoyed this post. It was SPOT ON.
I went to Mood last week to go fabric shopping and they have "Thank you Mood" tee shirts. But it didn't come with Tim Gunn so I wasn't interested. I adore that man. My mom ran into him grocery shopping in perfectly pressed linen pants. How adorable is he?
LOVE IT!!! Thanks, as always, for the laugh!
@Aviatrix and @BadKarma-- you too can have roses like on the carousel! Those look suspiciously like the pre-made roses for sale at Bulk Barn (a Canadian bulk food store-- aka heaven for bakers and candy-eaters). In fact, looks like they bought them in every colour...
OMG I particularly loved the "kiss from a rose" ---> Seal ---> Heidi Klum thing there :)
The PR-inspired commentary on this post was top notch. I was inspired to comment - good work!
I kinda like the second cake, if it didn't look like it was covered in plastic wrap and didn't have ribbons. I don't like shininess on cakes. It's just wrong.
BWAHAHAHA.
This post is IN. The name choices and general parody was perfect (and eerily accurate, despite being parody...).
How fitting that about half an hour ago I started my own Project Runway marathon and then I read this! (fitting... clothes... get it??? haha...)
OMG those hurt my eyes
(stands and applauds wildly)
-Barbara Anne
The commentary is awesome!
#1 The new turntable arrived! At last I can finish "Butterflies in a confetti tornado."
#2 The blue horse on the left would actually be traveling sideways, which would be a real treat for anyone subject to motion sickness. That pretty much applies to the whole wreck, come to think of it.
#3 Why is there more than one of these conglomerations? Why does the one in the foreground have such a huge candle? Did Sandra Lee open a 'bakery'? [Nooooo!]
#5 It took me three tries to find the head of the dragon, the ears of which are disturbingly 'realistic' in a way that has nothing to do with ears. Regarding the most obvious details, I'm pretty sure dragons don't have mammary glands, so what are those supposed to be? (For a while there, I thought it was going to be 2011's first 'boobie EPCOT'.)
Have the dragons stopped screaming yet, @Bill's Bayou?
a kiss from a rose...oh you're killin' me!! Too funny!
Lol I have never laughed so hard as when I looked at that so called dragon cake. It looks like it has boobs mixed in with weird frosting junk thrown in. Man what are they thinking when they make these?? All I see is a bunch of colors thrown on the cake just for the heck of it.
Wow nice cake..
I've never seen Project Runway, and now I know I never will. I can't even tell what that third cake is (other than chic and elegant, I mean)--what IS all that??? And the last cake with the "dragon" (or whatever) wrapped around . . .haystacks? Er, something? But I won't disagree with the judges because they MUST all have special knowledge and skills or else they wouldn't be on television. Right? I mean, what do the rest of us know? :)
I've never watched Project Runway, and I still found this post hilarious.
I had to read through the comments just to see what TV show you were referencing!
And to prove what a nerd I am, Sturm and Drang are also the names of Talon Karrde's pet vornskrs in the Thrawn trilogy by Timothy Zahn.
Anyone watch the cartoon Dragon-Ball Z as a kid, all I could think of when I saw the last cake was that cartoon, Dragon BALLS, I mean Dragon Ball Z
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!
Oh man, I can't stop laughing! I love it love it love it!
I kept squinting to find the dragon and then I realized it wasn't a dual poop exhaust pipe with a yello trail it was a dragon. Well done!
Okay, it's a bit busy, but I can't lie; I love the dragon one. I think it rocks.
That light green icing on the third cake is actually Chinese characters. It just doesn't looks like much because its all gloopy. But yes, those are actually words. Good post as always, soo funny.
Am I the only one to have noticed that the horses on the merry go round cake are heading for a collision?
Instead of all facing the same way, half are one, half are the other. As if poised for deadly, pink battle.
# 3 the green squiggles are in Chinese :) I think the first one is "ji" *lucky* and the last 2 characters mean "fu" *luck*. They are lucky symbols, perhaps not starting off quite so lucky this time around! You will see tons of "fu's" (usually upside down) in windows around China at the moment preparing for Chinese New Year ...
good blog
Ok, am I the only one who saw icing-glob versions of Adam & Jamie from "Mythbusters" on the third cake?
GRRRRR!!!!! U ruined my fav tv show! JK I <3 Project Runway but I love cake wrecks soooooooooooo much more!!!
The first one...wat.