Move Over, Lunchables
January 10, 2011 As an ab-disadvantaged, rotundity blessed, "fluffy" individual, I appreciate all the finer foods in life. The local Chinese buffet owners even know me by name. ("Oooh, Mr. Pork Man! Table for one?")
It's not that I don't care about being thin and gorgeous, it's...wait. No, actually, that IS it. I don't care. So imagine my delight when I discovered the latest lunch craze hitting our nation's bakeries:
The Porta-Pastry!Yep, these lunch-sized portions of cake come with everything you need for a nutritious meal: sugar, fat, more sugar, and most importantly: a handy fork for on-the-go eating!
No more sneaking into the breakroom in search of cutlery! No more sharing with the kids! Now you can consume your Porta-Pastry as God intended: hunched over the steering wheel in your car, crying.
"Just a second, kids; Mommy's just finishing her lunch."
So far the baking industry has just been testing the market with their Watermelon Porta-Pastry, but happily the response has been so positive they're preparing to introduce a new design:
The Double Pounder.Because a fork in each hand is worth two duck heads in a bush.
Mmmmm.
Thanks to Annabeth C., Lauren K., Alden L., Jennifer L., Shannon B., and Jane D., who think that lousy Aflac duck had it coming.
Reader Comments (97)
Why do those cakes have forks on them? Who eats watermelon with a fork? Chunks, yes, but I have never, ever seen someone dig into a watermelon wedge with a fork. It defies the point of getting wet, sticky faces in the hot summer sun.
One question re Last Cake: What is it?
I was really confused about these cakes until I saw the last one. Now it all makes perfect sense.
Um...
yeah.
Except for the eagle/duck. And the Freddy shirt.
And the fork.
BTW- I'm Fluffy!
I'm reasonably certain the last cake is supposed to be Brutus, the Ohio State Buckeye mascot. I'm at a loss to identify the opponent he's feasting on. Wow.
pretty sure the last one is supposed to be Brutus Buckeye and the Oregon Duck (from the Rose Bowl last year)
i could be wrong, but thats what it looks like to me
HaHa! As a resident of Columbus, all I knew what the last cake was immediately. Buckeye fans are a little crazy!
I think that last one is from last year's Ohio State vs. Oregon bowl game.
I have a horrible feeling that the last one is supposed to be Brutus Buckeye. Like the Buckeyes haven't looked bad enough lately. *sigh*
Is that Freddy Krueger with forks and an eagle head?
I think the last cake is actually SUPPOSED to be Freddy Kruger. No relation to Kroger's I might add. (Or maybe there is... Hmmmm)
I mean, look at that shirt, and he has knives for hands. Think about it!
oh, this is too funny too. My Word Verification is "Stale" hahaha
Why is Grimace eating a bald eagle?
The last one is Brutus, the Ohio State Buckeyes mascot. Sort of.
I have no idea what he's doing holding forks, and have no idea what the orange and white blobs are on the bottom. He's the football mascot. Not real clear why there's a basketball blob on the bottom.
I wonder if that's supposed to be the opposing team's logo. The big rival is Michigan, and their colors are yellow and blue. I can't even begin to guess beyond that, though.
I, too, wondered why Freddy was going to eat our National Symbol. But I guess it makes some sort of sense in the wrekorator's mind that they were trying to get a football rivalry in cake, or CCC.
My poor Brutus. What have they done to you!
I thought at first that the white/orange blobs were something to do with Basketball, but I'm not really sure. I've seen Brutus at other sporting events (outside of football), but after staring at that cake the blobs are starting to resemble an Eagle or something equally puzzling.
I'm going to go look at my correctly proportioned, non-fork hand Brutus plush in my office now and pretend this abomination doesn't exist.
I'm embarassed to be an Ohio State fan. What in the world were they thinking? And that's a dunk? I was thinking it was a ghost with a basketball. (Which made the forks even more confusing.) Goodness.
It's an eating utensil!
It's plastic flotsam!
It's an eating utensil and plastic flotsam!
It's two - two - two forks in one!
WV - imazer -- these cakes are imazers - their goofiness just imazes me!
"Now you can consume your Porta-Pastry as God intended: hunched over the steering wheel in your car, crying."
Wow. Have we met? Because it's like you know me.
*singing*
Killing me softly with your blog
killing me softly
with your blog
telling my whole life
in your words
killing me softly
with your blo-eo-eo-eo-eog.
*end chorus*
You know, you might want to issue an Epcot alert already for Brutus, The Ohio State Buckeye's mascot.
Otherwise, we're all in danger!
I'm still unclear on why bakers think a plastic fork constitutes "decoration" on a cake...
LOL Everybody under their desks! Looks like another EPCOT!
@Tamara...if you pick up the watermelon cakes and eat them with your fingers, instead of the fork provided, you can still get a messy, sticky face. ;-D Although, I think I'll pass on these cakes! O.o
wv: multywvz: LOLcat-speak for Multiple Word Verfications.
#2 appears to be well-executed, but I don't understand why so many bakeries have this concept. Does anyone have a pop-culture reference? Anyone? Bueller?
If I wanted to disguise a one-person cake, I'd make it look like a salad.
lol, better watch it with the duck head references TODAY of all days!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f_P1PPy7FTo
Being from Tennessee, our wreckerators have not put forks on our watermelon cakes. They know that the only proper way to eat watermelon is two hands and outdoors ... where we can spit the seeds in the lawn.
However, let me know next time you are eating cake in your car, and I'll join you, Fluffy.
Works for me because 24 cupcakes and the accompanying 24 pounds of cupcakes is definitely a serving size. I hope that the two decorated weren't intending sharing with the two fork cakes.
looks like everyone has pretty much said it all so i'll just repeat what went through my head as i was reading........
HAHAHAHAHAHAH HEEE HEEE HAHAHAHA HOO ... LOOK AT THAT.. SIGH
anyway , have agreat day eatting the perfect lunch.
Carpe Cakem!
Brutus epcot?
Either way? Um... scary cake. It appears to be saying, "fork you."
Et two, Brutus?
(Let the groaning begin.)
wv: latarqua. Says brutus to the duck, "latar, quacker"
Back to the shelter we go -- don't forget the plastic forks!
In my own defense, it took me a while to see anything that made sense at the bottom of the last one. I did finally arrive at 'bald eagle head', but that's as far as it went -- I felt no compulsion to identify it.
I probably shouldn't admit to the time that my husband and I consumed 1/2 a key lime pie on our way back to our hotel... we had to ask for the fork on the side though because this was in the "pre-porta-pastry" era.
I had to look up a pic of Brutus Buckeye before I realized the stripey red thing is supposed to be his shirt. I was trying to figure out how an oddly-shaped barbecue grill fit into the cake theme.
And #4--the "seeds" look like beard stubble. Or 2 day old leg stubble. Either way I'm not eating it.
Does anybody even eat watermelon with a fork? That is almost as weird as the awfulness of the cakes overall...
I thought the very first cake was a hamburger with a fork on the bun. That is, until you got to the part where you said they were only testing this on watermelon cakes...
I *think* that last cake is Bruiser the Ohio State Buckeyes mascot... I think.
also, I find it VERY amusing that one of the sidebar ads was for Zumba fitness dvd's hehehe
Our second Epcot of the year! We're off to a good start ;)
Please, please tell me that 24 cupcakes isn't a SINGLE serving size?! (Those two CCC watermelon "slices"). Plus, why would you need a "porta-pastry" (which looks to me that it should serve four. At least!) when there's the good ol' cupcake?! If those PPs are "a serving" I think that goes a long way to explain the obesity problem in the US!
As for the decorating, well they were all recognizable so I'm not quite sure if they're full-on wrecks (#2 and #4 weren't half bad). Public health wrecks, sure. But cake wrecks? Then again, I guess why make a cake look like watermelon when you could just have watermelon
And the last one... yikes. And to think people recognized it!
Well, if we're trying to be neat and aren't eating the watermelon by just sticking it in our faces, we use a spoon, not a fork! The only time we use forks is if the melon is cut up in chunks (like for a fruit salad, or for our kids who prefer to eat it that way). I live in WA, and some years it's rarely hot enough in the summer to be eating watermelon outside on the lawn.
I will say that giving the single fork with the 2-dozen cupcake watermelon CCCs just doesn't make any sense at all...
I had to actually laugh out loud at the CCC. Oh please tell me there is actually one and I'm not just imagining things....LOL :)
Since we are being all epcot about Brutus I will share that the original Brutus the Buckeye was just that, a buckeye nut with no arms, let alone scary rugby shirt. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Brutus_the_Buckeye#Appearances" rel="nofollow"> Short wiki history of Brutus
I love that they put those forks on cupcake cakes, since, you know, the whole point of cupcakes is that you can eat them with your hands.
Liz in Seattle
I liked the watermelons, till you got to the CCC - patooieee!
Porta-pastry... ahhh, therein lies the connection between them and the CCC...
(never mind - I don't want to explain the vision you've given me)
Gaaaaa!!!!!
~~Di
mutort -- What you file in court when your torte becomes mutated by a wreckerator.
Yea you used a my pic!!! Love you Cake Wrecks!
That last one reminds me of Freddy Kreuger...
At last, watermelon I can eat without my throat swelling! But seriously, have these people ever seen a watermelon. Surely you could do better, even with a CCC.
Well, I thought the last cake was the Wolfman, and the white and orange... stuff... at the bottom was a ghost carrying a pumpkin. But then I still have my Halloween pumpkins on my front porch, so I guess that's where my mind is stuck. I can see the duck head now, tho.
Waaaaaait... Is the presence of a single plastic fork - and I'm going to assume those are regular-size plastic forks - meant to indicate that the cake represents a SINGLE SERVING? Just... wow.
What IS that thing in the last photo?!?
Given the stunning thematic similarities in the first five wrecks, I have to wonder if wreckerators are on the way to creating their own EPCOTs. The proof would be a huge post, so maybe it's better to leave it in the realm of speculation.
By the way, the last one is clearly an angry hamburger patty about to land on a strangely-shaped grill. Except that this theory doesn't account for the eagle / duck head (like the Brutus one does?). I was so close! (Back to the shelter...)
wv: grial. Grial, Argh is from... never mind -- that was yesterday's EPCOT.
Is that last cake a Freddy Krueger cake? Because it looks evil enough to spit Johnny Depp out of the center of a bed!
B. Wallace
at least they dont have sporks on them!
I think that last one is a fear cake. Obviously made for someone who is afraid of Freddy and Ducks.
It's the fork craze! Best craze ever. A serving utensil and weapon all in one. Now, get away from my cake before I stab you with my fork :)
You are all missing the point. It is clearly a promotion with local beauty shops. The thing in the last picture is just using a dinglehopper to comb that other thing.