Move Over, Lunchables
January 10, 2011 As an ab-disadvantaged, rotundity blessed, "fluffy" individual, I appreciate all the finer foods in life. The local Chinese buffet owners even know me by name. ("Oooh, Mr. Pork Man! Table for one?")
It's not that I don't care about being thin and gorgeous, it's...wait. No, actually, that IS it. I don't care. So imagine my delight when I discovered the latest lunch craze hitting our nation's bakeries:
The Porta-Pastry!Yep, these lunch-sized portions of cake come with everything you need for a nutritious meal: sugar, fat, more sugar, and most importantly: a handy fork for on-the-go eating!
No more sneaking into the breakroom in search of cutlery! No more sharing with the kids! Now you can consume your Porta-Pastry as God intended: hunched over the steering wheel in your car, crying.
"Just a second, kids; Mommy's just finishing her lunch."
So far the baking industry has just been testing the market with their Watermelon Porta-Pastry, but happily the response has been so positive they're preparing to introduce a new design:
The Double Pounder.Because a fork in each hand is worth two duck heads in a bush.
Mmmmm.
Thanks to Annabeth C., Lauren K., Alden L., Jennifer L., Shannon B., and Jane D., who think that lousy Aflac duck had it coming.
Reader Comments (97)
Why oh why is there a Jaegermonster from Girl Genius, eating an eagle's head?!
Oh, the last cake has an eage head? I thought it was a one eyed ghost holding a basketball, lol. Trying to figure out that last cake is giving me a headache!
Ooooooh this is so much better than grabbing and smashing it all into one's mouth. Why didn't I think of a fork sooner. Norine
Being nearly 35 weeks pregnant, I think it's brilliant that they all come with their own fork...
Ah, I think I have figured it out... it's so you won't stand in the store and be profane! Instead you can say, "WHAT THE FORK?"
I actually bought one of these watermelon cakes *hangs head in shame* and it had some plastic ants and a spork on it. The problem I had with it was that the bakery airbrushed the colors on and the icing was so bitter you couldn't eat the cake! Even if you scraped the red part off the icing under was still inedible.
I thought the last one was Freddy Kruger about to eat a rabbit that rammed its face into a basketball. And what's with all the forks?
wv: repoo...... those cakes are so bad they need to be repoo'd (repo'd).
I wonder what flavor those cakes are... watermelon? ewww! I mean, I love the fruit but could never imagine it as a suitable flavor for CAKE.
wv - logich: thisch cakesch havech noch logich.
@Cyndi-I thought it was a ghost with a basketball, too!
The 4th one down looks like some kind of nasty caterpillar. And what's with the watermelon theme...are you supposed to be tricked into thinking you're eating a nutritious, yummy piece of fruit...which just happens to be shaped like a cake.
sigh
hey, they're doing better than my local Mickey D's, that never seems to get a utensil in my bag - luckily I'm normally taking it to a place with utensils, but it's really annoying!!
Please stop saying porta-pastry. I cannot be the only person who automatically thinks 'porta-potty', can I?
I can't even imagine eating that much cake. I'd get sick!
What was that last cake?
I'd be afraid to open that last one. It looks like it wants to use those forks on me.
I live/work in Columbus, and as the others have mentioned here, unfortunately recognized poor Brutus right away. Then I wondered if that cake was made at the store I used to work at. /hangs head
I'm loving the people who thought it was Freddy, made my day!
That's forked up, man!
WV: under
The word verification software is just not trying anymore!
to tamara- i don't know about slices but my dad used to cut the tops off of the mini water melons and eat them with spoons. maybe the same idea is behind these cakes?
Pretty sure that last cake is Freddy Kruger... with a decapitated bald eagle?
The great thing about most of these cakes is that they allow you to stick to the letter of your diet by eating watermelon for lunch.
That last one looks like Brutus the Buckeye, right colors for him, but I'm confused about the bird undeat him.
That last picture is Brutus the Buckeye! Yay Ohio State! :D
I'm sorry, but "port-a-pastry" is just too close to "port-a potty"...
What the edited is the last cake supposed to be???
Wow. I hate cupcake cakes. The one my BFF had for her B-day was multi colored airbrush CcC. I passed.
Oh, wait, I get it....... ummm... well ok, not really. Thought I had that last one figured out, but I have not got any better ideas than anyone else. *sigh*
wv: hyadect.... ?? I got nuthin... maybe opposite of lowa dect?
How apropo for the all those New Year's resolutions! Yay! More fruit is a possibility! Vegetables too! Isn't sugar cane a veggie? Hmmm...
This is just too hilarious! There goes my diet root beer all over my waterm... small green dinner salad no dressing...
I think the head Freddy is attacking on that last one's actually supposed to be an EAGLE head. Which in no way makes it any less creepy.
First-WTF IS that last one???? Second-there have been times when I am hungry enough to eat a cake by myself
To those that continue to question the last one: it's already been determined to be a poorly done Brutus the Buckeye of Ohio State. Why have none of the other Ohio State/Big10 fans come up with the Iowa Hawkeye for the hideous fowl at the bottom???
I love the way that they are made to look like fruit. Over here in the UK, we are constantly nagged to eat "5 a Day" (portions of fruit and/or veg). Now I can!
Sue from England
@Aliza
a 24 CCC (patooie) is a single serving: 24 hours in a day/24 cupcakes in a CCC. it can't be coincidence.
-Barbara Anne
the freddy shirt guy is Brutus Buckeye. It an Ohio/ OSU thing. i never heard of it until i came to ohio.
After last night's game, a duck-head eating mascot is appropriate!! Should have been a tiger though!!
WAaaaaaarrrrr Eagle! HEY!!!
Alex.
;)
"hunched over the steering wheel in your car, crying."
This comment made me come out of lurkdom to tell you I love your site. And crack up.
Thanks for all of the laughs, both of you. :)
At least I don't ever have to worry about seeing a cake with a "Hoosier" on it here in Bloomington. Unless it's Dan Quayle.
WV:tingele
I get a tingele whenever I read this blog.
Last cake:
An angry Thomas the Tank running over a basketball-playing ghost.
To those of you saying the last one is supposed to be the Ohio State Buckeyes mascot, Brutus...
They should sue for such mangled representation of their mascot.
That's a DUCK? I thought it was a one-eyed, unibrow ghost dribbling a basketball.
~Kathy D
WV: imalmb... a misspelling of embalm
Well, I see I'm not the only one who looked at that last cake & immediately thought "Freddy Krueger!" Nightmare on Elm Street, indeed. I tell you, I can't think of any website better than this one for making me say, "Erm. . . "
Until I read the comments, I thought the last cake was Thomas the Tank Engine (or one of his friends) preparing to eat a pelican.
WHY Thomas would want to eat a pelican, I have no idea.
Are either of those CCCs *mini* cupcake cakes? Because I couldn't hate that, it'd just be too cute.
I actually like "porta-pastries"... I think they're adorable. Oh, hell, I guess I'm just a sucker for things that have been shrunk.
Something about watermelon cake always makes me sick. Like the fruit, hate the cake.
Eewwwww, cake at lunch?
The last cake- it kinda looks like Brutus, the Ohio State mascot....
Sue P
I could get used to these for lunch. I only get @ 20 min. at school & could scarf these down in no time! :)
i THOUGHT THE LAST ONE WAS FREDDY KRUGER AND A GHOST HOLDING A PUMPKIN