Frosting 101
July 8, 2010 "Settle down, class; it's time to begin. I would welcome you to your second day of Frosting 101, but frankly after this many years of teaching I find your eager little faces to be an inexorable scourge, dragging me down each day to fresh depths of hellish ineptitude.
[brightly] "So let's just get started, shall we?
"First of all, you should note that I often use the words 'ice' and 'frost' interchangeably. So you brown-nosing idiots with the bags of ice can just go dump those in the sink. Yes, now. Thank you.
"Okey dokey, I will now hold up the results of yesterday's pop quiz and mock you each accordingly. And since I can't be bothered to remember your names, I've assigned you each a nickname based on the individual horrors of what I will laughingly call your 'cakes.'
"Let's start with you, Mr. Gap-Cracky."
"Yes, you. Your name is now 'Mr. Gap-Cracky' because I've seen less gaping holes in some of your hipster friends' jeans. Ever heard of a spatula? Or do you coil all your icing at home?
"Oh, be quiet; that was rhetorical.
"Next up is Ruffles."
"My dear, how is it that you managed to change the colors of your icing, but not the tip on your pastry bag? Is that leaf tip glued in place? Or are you just sentimentally attached to making really, really ugly things?
"Oh, you think that's funny, Stegosaurus? How about we look at *your* cake?
"Do you know why your nickname is 'Stegosaurus,' son? No? It's because the Stegosaurus has a brain the size of a walnut. What'd you, spread this with your feet?
[rubbing temples] "And next we have Sprinkles."
[sighing] "I would lambaste you with a withering criticism, Sprinkles, but I can see from your vacant expression that intelligent thought is lost on you. So just give me your sprinkles jar and go sit in the back. Go on. There's a good boy.
"I have to hand it to you, Ms. Puff n' Stuff; if I hadn't cut into your cake I might not have discovered your deception:
"Gopher guts, girl, I've seen meringue pies with less filling! What are you, some kind of plant sent by an insulin manufacturer? Are you trying to kill us all?
"What's that? You like icing? Well, Duncan Hines, girl, *I* like my pancreas. You think we can reach some kind of compromise that doesn't include me in diabetic shock? Hm?
"And finally, for your final classmate, I'm afraid I ran out of clever nicknames.
"So I'm just going to call you Crap Pile, son. Judging by this cake, I'm sure you're accustomed to answering to much worse.
[bell rings]
"Ok, class, time for you to get back to your bakeries and ruining the happy occasions of cake lovers everywhere. Have fun. I'll just be here, weeping for your clients."
Hey, Courtney H., Kristi R., Gaye E., Jennette F., Jennifer V., & Val S., check it out; apparently the good teacher here also moonlights as a therapist:
Reader Comments (139)
I sooooo look forward to my morning laugh with you every day! Thanks for giving me something to look forward to and making me feel so much better about the cakes I make!
Huge misinterpretation of "I Want Sprinkles" there.
All of those things need to remain securely under plastic domed covers. (shivers)
wv: ploomye. These just need a big feather ploomye out the tops to complete the horror.
Ok, as usual, the cakes are beyond comprehension. But, really, I just signed on to say that is the best commercial EVER!
You've spawned new humor:
http://news.yahoo.com/comics/off-the-mark
I know - it has nothing to do with cake.
~~Di
Thanks for the laughs every day!!
Poor Ms. Puff N Stuff. It's hard to get a cake to come out level, although I usually end up with a slight rise in the center. How she managed to get a crater instead is beyond me.
Bwaaaaaah... dying - love the commercial - hate the cakes - love your commentary :)
I am not feeling well to begin with, and Ms. Puff'n'Stuff's cake made me throw up in my mouth. Blurgh.
All of that frosting kind of makes me gag a little...
This might just be, your best post to date. Sooo freakin' witty!
Is Crap Pile's cake supposed to be a basket weave? I can see right now I need to be showing my almost 5 year old *these* pictures and not the ones off the Wilton website so she's not disappointed in her giraffe birthday cake. Of course, no one is paying me for the cake. (I'll be paying therapists because of it...)
I loved the commentary today. I wasn't reading it as R. Lee Ermey, but with a British accent like Gordon Ramsay.
People pay for these...
I'd quite like to be in that 101 class! :)
Also, aesthetics aside, I'm pretty sure I'd enjoy Ms Puff'n'Stuff's attempt... love frosting!
!!
The amount of icing! Whoa.
... Whoa....
My 2.5 year old daughter sits on my lap while I read CW every morning and says for every cake, "I want that for my birthday party! I want that for my birthday party!" for every single one. Yet even my 2.5 year old cake-obsessed (well, birthday obsessed) toddler said, "What the heck?" (with the cutest inflection ever) to the "frosting with cake under it"
Ok, they were bad but I came to a halt when I saw ms puff n stuff. OMG. That was not a sunken cake, it was an entire layer that was missing. Did that person forget to bake/thaw the second layer and think the recipient was NOT going to notice that the height was due to the ton of icing?
And I thought the ruffle one was bad enough (probably trying to match the food network cake challenge of decorating a cake with a single tip), but the last one really one out. What in the world was that supposed to be? Someone's interpretation of basket weave? Picasso's work is easier to understand than that.
You did it again, another wrecked break! luv ya!!
Sandy C.
Wouldn't it be more economical to make another cake instead of using 10 lbs of frosting, Puff n' Stuff? (Unless, of course, this cake was for Passover, and they really love frosting.)
Good gravy. I like frosting too, but Ms. Puff 'N Stuff's cake still makes me gag. Why do some people think it's acceptable to level out a cake with bucketloads of frosting?
WV: redledis. That ruffle cake looks like a pile of redledis.
this is an awesome collection of wrecks!
the 9:1 cake to frosting turn 1:9 in puff-n-stuff's cake makes us question just how level that oven is... or just ʇɐɥʍ əɥʇ ʎəɥ happened in that cake pan! heh.
there should be an award for that frosting cover up.
[and reading this blog seems to have the reverse effect on me over the majority of readers. i've experienced a craving for frosting over the last 2 years. maybe it's time i go wreck shopping. ha ha.]
Perfect timing...my Miss Chef is starting teaching in culinary school next Monday, and she's a little nervous. This might make her feel...worse. Hmmm....
Mr. Gap-Cracky?!!! HAHAHAHAHAH
The last one proves that you CAN frost a cake with the big old icing tip and not smooth it out with a spatula. But just because you CAN do something doesn't mean you SHOULD. They must have been really, really short on time.
Re: Puff 'n Stuff; did they run out of sheet cakes that day? Or was the birthday boy/girl a known frosting fiend? Because I have to tell you, I do know a few folks who eat frosting straight out of the jar and would be all over that "cake."
I'm pretty sure Ms. Puff n' Stuff wants me to empty the entire insulin reservoir in my pump in one sitting. I can feel by blood sugar rising right now.
Good grief, I'm an amateur who makes occasional layer cakes at home with just a spatula and no pastry bag, and my cakes look like culinary masterpieces compared to these!
What is so hard about it?? Or is it just laziness?
Also: @Di - LOVE comic!
Hi-freakin-larious!!! I was laughing so hard at my desk! What the heck are some of those things? Was there a national "Throw some crappy icing on top of a cake making no particular resemblance to anything" Day that I didn't know about?! Ah!
My 2 year old daughter loves to look at cakes with me and I love to hear her comments. Today we got to the Crap Pile and she said "Look! Socks! Pink and blue and white socks."
Absolutely one of the best posts! Your commentary is hysterical! As usual, the cakes defy description - and yet you manage it brilliantly. Thanks for the laughs.
I LOVE YOU! I LOVE THIS POST! I can't believe that cake with all the frosting and NOOOO cake!
and the link to the video at the end...one of my favorite actors. I love you even more now ;)
I guess if all that frosting was whipped cream it would not be sooooo bad, but I would want to still have a better cake to topping ratio. Thanks for the daily laugh.
Oh for heaven's sake... how did these people get employed?
I love your classroom type critique!
I love, Love, LOVE that GEICO ad! R. Lee Ermey is just...(dare I say it? YES!) icing on the cake!
I agree with Tricia! I looove your commenatary. You are so funny. Thank you. CC
Sometimes it's just better to skip the celebratory cake as these "bakers" prove. Ugh.
Currently, I have been leaning toward your other awesome blog, Epbot, but this hilarious post just rekindled my passion for Cake Wrecks.
thank you for my daily dose of humor, Jen!!!
I'm surprised no one's commented on "Stegosaurus" yet. The more-icing-then-cake was funny and terrible, but at least they did a fairly good job of it.... but come on! Stegosaurus's cake was absolutely terrible! The cake itself looked great, but whyyyy would you put out a cake after just dumping the icing on it? Without using anything to spread it over the cake or anything??? Honestly, when I first looked at that cake I thought it was covered in snot.... just terrible.
Absolutely fantastic post as ever, though!
Mr. Gap-Cracky has lips and they are sneering. Eww.
Love this site, Jen.
mocking
What makes Puff 'N' Stuff worse is if you look really closely it looks like Half of the cake is normal. Either half of the cake fell and they didn't want top bother rebaking it or they didn't want to bother stacking on the other half of the layer. There is no excuse for that abomination! If the cake did fall.....that means that the part covered with frosting probably tastes nasty!
I think this post reads best if the text is read by Jane Lynch as Sue Sylvester. Come on, try it in your head, you know I'm right! :)
My daughter, now 4, has been decorating cakes for two years. Her first cake ever had a better icing job. Oh sure, it was still a mess, but she was 2 so it was frickin' adorable and understandable, and just for Daddy's birthday.
How these people continue to get *paid* is beyond me.
I really, really, really want you to start teaching classes in precisely this style. Just think, you could surpass Kerry Vincent in number of decorators who fear your withering stare.
Maybe you should come do a talk/class at the 2011 Austin show...hrm...*thoughtspercolatingwildlymuahahahaha*...
WV: ooleet, as in, oo, I never thought leet speakers could spell better than some cake decorators.
"Crap-pile" accustomed to being called much worse? HAHAHAHAHAHA! I can only imagine what... Great post today.
This is the most hilarious thing I've read all day. Thanks!
I don't comment often, but I must say that today's post is especially funny! And 'crap pile' was classic. I may start using it around the house, but then I get those intrusive questions from my children...
Shelley in Southern Illinois
Stegosaurus' cake is not a wreck. It's a nicely-done map of Antarctica. True, it's not very detailed, but it gets the basic idea across quite effectively.
Thank you, thank you, thank you!!! I didn't know ya had it in you Jen!!!!! This instructor should be a staple in your blog......LOVE IT!
ncd1011
These truly hit an all time low, and even Simon what's-his-face couldn't have put them down better. My daughter at 10 years old did much better than this. She took at Wilton class at Penney's by herself. Ah, Jen, could you check out the difference between "less" and "fewer" - one of my pet peeves. Fewer modifies individual numbers (cracks) and Less modifies total quantity or amount.
Norine
It hurts to look at that photo with so little cake and too much frosting. My guts gurgled in protest.
I looked at the last cake and immediately saw a pair of unused...ahem...feminine napkins. Anyone else???
As the owner of a recently blue-screened pancreas, OMG WTF FROSTING FIENDS?!
I'm with Lady J. Why so little attention to Stegosaurus. It takes real chutzpah to display a cake into which you've put such an obvious lack of effort. At least puff-n-stuff TRIED! Most of your wrecks are like that... sad, but at least reflecting effort and worthy of a giggle, snarf, laugh, guffaw, etc. But Stegosaurus just made me mad. Am I rambling? Cause it feels like I'm rambling. That's what happens to me when people totally phone it in.