Frosting 101
July 8, 2010 "Settle down, class; it's time to begin. I would welcome you to your second day of Frosting 101, but frankly after this many years of teaching I find your eager little faces to be an inexorable scourge, dragging me down each day to fresh depths of hellish ineptitude.
[brightly] "So let's just get started, shall we?
"First of all, you should note that I often use the words 'ice' and 'frost' interchangeably. So you brown-nosing idiots with the bags of ice can just go dump those in the sink. Yes, now. Thank you.
"Okey dokey, I will now hold up the results of yesterday's pop quiz and mock you each accordingly. And since I can't be bothered to remember your names, I've assigned you each a nickname based on the individual horrors of what I will laughingly call your 'cakes.'
"Let's start with you, Mr. Gap-Cracky."
"Yes, you. Your name is now 'Mr. Gap-Cracky' because I've seen less gaping holes in some of your hipster friends' jeans. Ever heard of a spatula? Or do you coil all your icing at home?
"Oh, be quiet; that was rhetorical.
"Next up is Ruffles."
"My dear, how is it that you managed to change the colors of your icing, but not the tip on your pastry bag? Is that leaf tip glued in place? Or are you just sentimentally attached to making really, really ugly things?
"Oh, you think that's funny, Stegosaurus? How about we look at *your* cake?
"Do you know why your nickname is 'Stegosaurus,' son? No? It's because the Stegosaurus has a brain the size of a walnut. What'd you, spread this with your feet?
[rubbing temples] "And next we have Sprinkles."
[sighing] "I would lambaste you with a withering criticism, Sprinkles, but I can see from your vacant expression that intelligent thought is lost on you. So just give me your sprinkles jar and go sit in the back. Go on. There's a good boy.
"I have to hand it to you, Ms. Puff n' Stuff; if I hadn't cut into your cake I might not have discovered your deception:
"Gopher guts, girl, I've seen meringue pies with less filling! What are you, some kind of plant sent by an insulin manufacturer? Are you trying to kill us all?
"What's that? You like icing? Well, Duncan Hines, girl, *I* like my pancreas. You think we can reach some kind of compromise that doesn't include me in diabetic shock? Hm?
"And finally, for your final classmate, I'm afraid I ran out of clever nicknames.
"So I'm just going to call you Crap Pile, son. Judging by this cake, I'm sure you're accustomed to answering to much worse.
[bell rings]
"Ok, class, time for you to get back to your bakeries and ruining the happy occasions of cake lovers everywhere. Have fun. I'll just be here, weeping for your clients."
Hey, Courtney H., Kristi R., Gaye E., Jennette F., Jennifer V., & Val S., check it out; apparently the good teacher here also moonlights as a therapist:
Reader Comments (139)
before I scrolled down I was thinking to myself, "Why did I just hear Lee Ermey saying "CRAP PILE" ? apparently you did too, you jack-wagon ;)
Oh my god!
U r Sue Sylvester!!
Thnks for the laughs!
kisses from Brazil~
Seriously, what happens to cakes that no-one will ever buy? Homeless shelters? Delivered to local schools and cut up to hide the shame? Inquiring raccoons want to know, because we're not finding enough cake in your trash.
Jen, Off the Mark had a tribute to you today...stinkin' funny. http://comics.com/off_the_mark/2010-07-08/
You make my day, woman.
wv: hersh - Some readers can be hersh when their panties get wadded.
If Sprinkles is buttercream, we will buy it!!! That would make my 4 year old VERY happy!
Loyal CakeWrecks Fan,
It's true that eating a lot of sugar (by itself) doesn't cause diabetes. But eating a lot of sugar will kill you if you HAVE diabetes. That's what I took to be the assumption behind the "diabetes" jokes.
your commentary was great today!
For some reason, the name I had in mind for the last cake was "Maxi Pad." Just sayin'.
I am speechless.. almost. These are hilarious. I would have loved to be the idiot in the back of that classroom laughing my head off lol. I would of course be sent to the principle but I would be happy. Ugh what on earth do these people take every morning to produce these horrid things??
I imagined Dr. Cox from the show "Scrubs" when reading these. Crazy, ranting insults are his forte.
Also, Ms. Puff n' Stuff's cake makes my teeth hurt just thinking about biting into that sugary mess!
Those were some amazingly badly frosted cakes. The last one looks to me like it was made using the leftover icing from several other cakes just sort of haphazardly applied in a mediocre attempt at an artistic design.
Cor, I choked on my coffee laughing at that!
Thanks for the laugh, priceless today :)
I've now read today's post three times, it's that good. This time, though, I tried it in Jane Lynch's voice but it kept morphing into Kerry Vincent. Either way, it is hilarious.
My opinion on Stegosaurus' cake is the "topping" is meringue that he forgot to cook. Looks like just egg whites and sugar. Yuck.
When, after Sprinkles, you said "I can see from your vacant expression," my brain immediately went on to "the lights are not all on upstairs, but we're talking kings and succession. Even YOU can't get caught unawares!"
I feel sorry that so many plastic domes are sacrificed to these cakes. (YOU=HILARIOUS.)
The last one looks like an Easter lasagna!
I just saw that commercial last night! Love it! :)
The cakes? Just plain sad, all of them.
wv:helisha- That's a helisha job you did on that cake, Crap Pile.
I don't think the ruffle one was all *that* bad, although it wasn't great either.
Holy buttercream, Batman! These cakes are SCARY! o_O
Am I the only person who heard this post in Sue Sylvester's voice from Glee? Seriously now.
WV: bablecog. One of those unidentifiable cake toppers.
This section seriously needs a "Like" button XD. Marvelous. Simply marvelous.
Jeeeeeeeeen! I can't read your funny comments because a stupid advert pops out from the side and covers them! Make it stop! Make it stop!
Hahaha! After your recommendation on Twitter, I went back and mentally listening to this as though Sue Sylvester were speaking. It was even funnier than the first time I read it!
Sue, you're an inspiration to us all.
Oh, I would KILL to have a Ms. Puff n Stuff cake! mmm... icing. me and that icing, we're gonna make babies. sweet jesus.
I love cake wrecks! Every time I check your blog, I am NEVER disappointed.
Awesome as always - thanks for the much-needed laughs!
And BTW my fellow Grammar Snobs: if the "less" you refer to were modifying "gaps" you would be correct in your nit-pickyness. If, as I believe, Jen was using it to modify "gaping", she was 100% correct. My 2 cents...
I work in an operating room, and the "Ruffles" cake looks just like large intestines. Mmmm. Tasty colon cake!
Dave
I am about 85% sure that that badly iced creme cake is from the bakery I work in.
(The "What'd you, spread this with your feet?" cake.)
Somehow it would be worse if it wasn't from that specific bakery, because it would mean that there are badly iced creme cakes springing up in bakeries all across the nation.
(No, I don't ice the cakes.)
Best. CW post. EVERRRRRRR.
WV: scurdsu. Invert ("U scurds!") for when Teach absolutely can't grasp for another withering insult and needs to result to nonsense.
I called my husband over to look at the icing (that's Canadian for frosting) with cake and he laughed and said, "Come on." He refused to believe that it was a real photo of a real cake.
...is this class taught by Rodney McKay?
(because I would take that class)
I guess I'm the only one who looked at Puff n' Stuff's cake and went yum! That's like my perfect ratio XD
I'm well known for liking the frosting more than the cake :) If I had to choose between the two, it'd be frosting every time ^^
Hilarious and fanastic post, Jen. One of my favourites ever!
I laughed so hard at the name, "Mr Gap Cracky" that it was difficult to continue. I was giggling uncontrollably and it actually scared me....like, what if I couldn't stop to catch a breath? I was clutching my chest, sure that I was having a laugh induced heart attack.
Luckily, it wasn't a heart attack. I'm ok. My insides still feel a little shaky but I'm not hurt.
The 2nd to last cake w/the 6 inches of frosting looks yummo to me!! Love me some frostin'!
I love your blog here. I found it yesterday (at work), and was laughing so hard at some of the wedding cakes that I couldn't stop crying. Hard to believe there are so many bad cakes and bakers out there... Keep them coming!
Thanks!
Dinosaur go walk.
Step in pile of . . . dinosaur.
Where scrape foot? Oh, cake!
@coeurdechoeur That's where my mind went, too!
I like the Ruffles cake!