Frosting 101
July 8, 2010 "Settle down, class; it's time to begin. I would welcome you to your second day of Frosting 101, but frankly after this many years of teaching I find your eager little faces to be an inexorable scourge, dragging me down each day to fresh depths of hellish ineptitude.
[brightly] "So let's just get started, shall we?
"First of all, you should note that I often use the words 'ice' and 'frost' interchangeably. So you brown-nosing idiots with the bags of ice can just go dump those in the sink. Yes, now. Thank you.
"Okey dokey, I will now hold up the results of yesterday's pop quiz and mock you each accordingly. And since I can't be bothered to remember your names, I've assigned you each a nickname based on the individual horrors of what I will laughingly call your 'cakes.'
"Let's start with you, Mr. Gap-Cracky."
"Yes, you. Your name is now 'Mr. Gap-Cracky' because I've seen less gaping holes in some of your hipster friends' jeans. Ever heard of a spatula? Or do you coil all your icing at home?
"Oh, be quiet; that was rhetorical.
"Next up is Ruffles."
"My dear, how is it that you managed to change the colors of your icing, but not the tip on your pastry bag? Is that leaf tip glued in place? Or are you just sentimentally attached to making really, really ugly things?
"Oh, you think that's funny, Stegosaurus? How about we look at *your* cake?
"Do you know why your nickname is 'Stegosaurus,' son? No? It's because the Stegosaurus has a brain the size of a walnut. What'd you, spread this with your feet?
[rubbing temples] "And next we have Sprinkles."
[sighing] "I would lambaste you with a withering criticism, Sprinkles, but I can see from your vacant expression that intelligent thought is lost on you. So just give me your sprinkles jar and go sit in the back. Go on. There's a good boy.
"I have to hand it to you, Ms. Puff n' Stuff; if I hadn't cut into your cake I might not have discovered your deception:
"Gopher guts, girl, I've seen meringue pies with less filling! What are you, some kind of plant sent by an insulin manufacturer? Are you trying to kill us all?
"What's that? You like icing? Well, Duncan Hines, girl, *I* like my pancreas. You think we can reach some kind of compromise that doesn't include me in diabetic shock? Hm?
"And finally, for your final classmate, I'm afraid I ran out of clever nicknames.
"So I'm just going to call you Crap Pile, son. Judging by this cake, I'm sure you're accustomed to answering to much worse.
[bell rings]
"Ok, class, time for you to get back to your bakeries and ruining the happy occasions of cake lovers everywhere. Have fun. I'll just be here, weeping for your clients."
Hey, Courtney H., Kristi R., Gaye E., Jennette F., Jennifer V., & Val S., check it out; apparently the good teacher here also moonlights as a therapist:
Reader Comments (139)
Wondering if the "Puff and Stuff" one isn't an ice cream cake? It sure looks firm and the cut edges are very straight. Unless that's super stiff frosting. In which case, ewww.
Even if these wreckerators are incompetent, lazy, and completely lacking any hint of taste, where are the bakery and/or store managers to prevent these embarrassments from going on display? These are so bad, they are thoroughly unappetizing... and presumably unsaleable.
These are so bad, that your witty remarks still couldn't elicit anything beyond a shudder and wince!!
And as for PuffnStuff-- I don't like most icings. So maybe I'm just nauseated because of that?
I think I just went into a sugar coma just looking at Ms. Puff n' Stuff's cake. O.o Exactly how much frosting is even ON that cake?
the last one looks like a comb-over to me. Maybe it was a supposed to be a raked zen-garden.
You are so funny! And I love that commercial and the guy playing the therapist! Ooooo maybe you and he should get together and show cake wreckers how to do it!
STEGOSAURUS!!!!!!!
that is now going to be the new term said aloud whenever the hubby and I come across a cake wreck.
it's so much more covert than our usual, "WTF?!?", which often gives us many nasty glares from bakers and other customers! teeheehee!!!
I'd be so sad to think I had a beautiful cake only to get it home and.... there's no cake inside!! *crumble*
Love the Geico commercial! :) Thanks for sharing!
I just saw that geico commercial for the first time last night! Good call including it. Love it. Funny, though, when I say stuff like that to people, all it gets me is a whole lotta grief.
Although I believe cake is merely a convenient frosting conveyor... great coogly moogly!
That is the BEST commercial! R. Lee rocks!
OMG...the Puff N Stuff cake is amazing! Did they really think no one would notice? Or is it like the drive-thru? They figure by the time you notice what they've done you'll be too far away to do anything. Except in this case you put it on the internet for everyone to laugh at and mock. Awesome! :)
I'm guessing the frosting on that first cake is supposed to represent train tracks, and therefore the wrap-around-look?
Still looks sucky.
That frosting with cake made me faf just looking at it and that last one was just HUH? .
I'm a type 2 diabetic and the cake with ridiculous amounts of icing just scares me. It looks like it was one regular grocery store sized tub per slice! Viva la COMA!
I SO needed that laugh this morning!! This has to be one of the best posts! THANK YOU!!!!!
Having decorated in a grocery store bakery, this is how these cakes come about...Store manager says: "I want these empty shelves filled with cakes. Everyone get to work..."
Kathy Cakorator!!
The Stegosaurus cake looks like it is covered in thick, furry mold.
Anyone else see it?
It's giving me the heebie-jeebies.
Thanks for another installment of laughs!
That "stegosaurus" cake seriously looks like it's been topped with that foamy barf that my bulldog likes to launch all over the carpet after gulping down too much water! My gag reflex was totally activated just by looking at that cake!
Hey! I'm a total cakewrecks fan, but I didn't find the diabetes jokes funny....becoming diabetic has nothing to do with eating too much sugar at one time. Type 1 diabetes is caused from your pancreas shutting down. However, 95% of diabetics are type 2, so I'm going to assume that you are referring to that. Of course, eating that cake everyday and subsequently becoming overweight WILL cause diabetes. but just one slice will not. All in all, try not to make diabetes joke, because it just spreads the ignorance.
Sincerely,
A loyal CakeWrecks fan.
@Anonymous at 12:18
Ha! I thought I was the only one with the "less" and "fewer" pet peeve. Thanks for sharing.
Is the ms Puf-n-stuf cake an Ice-cream cake? I thought they were usual in America...if not ice-cream, that is what we in England call hideously grotesque or just plain blech! x x x love the site btw...my 8yr oldloves to have a sneaky peek....
Oh god. I love frosting but the 5 inches of frosting on the one cake? Holy mother. That's too much for even me. Gah!
Cake Wrecks is rapidly becoming one of my "Happy Places." THANKS for the large guffaws today!!
:) Mags
The pink, white, and blue monstrosity reminds me of lasagna noodles, which makes me think it was touched by his noodly appendage. XD
"Puke Lasagna"
-t
The stegosaurus cake makes me think that perhaps the baker was out sick suddenly, but there were no decorated cakes out, so the manager grabbed the janitor and said, can you slap some icing on these quick and put them out? Thanks man!
I think the most disturbing thing about today's post is that it actually makes me crave icing. (There must be something wrong with me today.)
Also: I read the commentary in a slightly bored Lois Greening voice.
Saw the Geiko ad for the first time last night... Hilarious!
As for "Stegosaurus'" cake... Is it my imagination that the white icing is shaped like Pangaea? Perhaps he's not so stupid, after all... or maybe he is.
http://www.canadiangeographic.ca/atlas/glossary.aspx?alpha=p&id=227&lang=En
:D Eeeeeeeeee! I've been loving that Geiko commercial lately too! That and the Abe Lincoln one! I hate most of their commercials but these two have been winners!
And .....oh look there are cake wrecks too ;) I love the Class room theme you went with.
BAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Thank you for being hilarious.
LOL! I crack up the majority of the time I visit this page! Today with your "class lesson" was NO exception! Keep those funny one liner's comin'! Smiles on this face for sure!
Thanks for the laughs!
IMO, that last one should be christened with the name "Spackle".
It looks to me like Puff-n-Stuff is almost certainly NOT an ice cream cake. Simply because, you can see in the the piece behind (uppermost part of the image, slightly left of center) that the cake layer there DOES reach up nearly to the top, and is covered by a more-sane layer of icing.
(Which makes the crazily-concave shape of the entire cake all the more gross.)
As a Cake Decorating Instructor.....I'm laughing to the point of needing an oxygen tank to help me catch my breath. This is hysterical. This makes my day. Thank you for what you do. Here's hoping you & I never go out of business. I'm pretty sure we've both got job security forever!
They are called Sprinkles not Dumpers for a reason.
Those wreckerators must be trying to lose their jobs or tick off the boss. They can't think that those cakes look sellable.
Annette M.
I absolutely read this in R. Lee Ermey's voice, and for the (copious!) icing on the cake you posted the Geico commercial. Which makes me laugh hysterically anytime I see it.
"Who taught you how to decorate a cake, you jackwagon?!" ROFL
Totally a Sue Sylvester-worthy commentary. Hilarious!
I want to know how the baker got so much icing on that one cake. That is a lot of frosting!!!
Actually crippled with giggles, Jen you know just how to strike the right tone for every post, but this was something above and beyond. "Just going to call you Crap Pile" :')
As for the actual cakes, well the Ms. Puff n' Stuff has to be the most heinous simply because of the genuine danger to the consumer's wellbeing. Though the one by ruffles amused me most for the sheer strangeness of ruining what might have been an actually passable cake by using a leaf tip for the whole thing [thinking about it Ruffles might have just lost all the other tips].
Great commentary!
I imagined the whole thing in Alan Rickman's voice, because the idea of Snape as the instructor just made it funnier.
I'm totally ok with the mostly icing cake, but with butter-creme icing - not that crappy whipped cream stuff.
That last cake looks like a pile of tube socks. At least they're clean tube socks.
XD XD XD one of your funniest posts yet. Love the ad
I'm not sure if that's frosting on Stegosaurus's cake. It kind of looks like mold to me.
Perhaps if Ms. Puff N Stuff and Mr. Stegosaurus worked together things would even out? Loved the added bonus video.
Oh my gosh, I am wiping away the tears from laughing so hard. That was the funniest post I've ever read! Thanks for the laughs!
I'm snorting and on the verge of tears at the same time. Thanks for the excellent narration!!
Yellow boots! When I saw these, I thought of you!
http://www.etsy.com/listing/50612291/sea-legs-sailors-yellow-goulashes
Guess I have Cake Wrecks and Epbot on the brain.
Keep on Wreckin'!
I like "Ruffles." :/
Good god! those are horrible! How on earth did those happen!?!?
oh, this was your best post EVER.I was LOL, which I rarely do. But when you got to Crap Pile. . . (wiping eyes) ah, I needed that.
word verification: falin
which is what all those "students" were "doin"