When Cake Becomes a Crime
April 26, 2010 Most wrecks are funny. Some are tragic. A few even make us cringe.
But then there's another kind of wreck: A wreck so heinous, so warped, so jaw-droppingly wrong, that it is a crime against humanity itself. These wrecks' very existence should be a punishable offense.
You know, stuff like this:
My apologies to those of you with weaker constitutions; I know how hard this is to look at. What's that? You don't think butchering the Enterprise in this manner is a crime worthy of judicial condemnation? Really?
Man, it's like I don't even know you anymore.
Well, fine, then. I'm sure you'll at least agree that this next one deserves the old heave-ho:
There she blows! (Chunks, that is.)"That glistening pile is quite retch-ed, wouldn't you say, Ralph?"
"Ug, thanks for bringing that up, Chuck."
I'm also starting to think that black icing should be a controlled substance:
You know, have it locked up in the back somewhere, with a designated icing distributor on-site.
A black smeary pit to stick plastic butterflies in?
Yeah, forget it, bub. Move along."
Another common cake crime is the use of edible photo paper. Sure, a few cake artists can wield this WMD without causing wide-spread horror and gnashing of teeth, but most bakers use it to further the cause of chaos and evil.
And by "chaos and evil," I of course mean former Baywatch babes:
Busted!I'm not sure which is scarier: the icing "hair," the obvious disregard for neck transitions, or the fact that these are actually the correct proportions for Pamela Anderson's body. [shudder]
Becky D., Rebecca I., Frances & Chris O., and Amanda I., if Brownie Husband ever becomes a reality, then I guess this won't seem so bad, huh?
- Related Wreckage: Guess Who!
Reader Comments (118)
Wow I almost lost my breakfest on Cake#2
That turkey cake made me throw up a little. As for the alleged Star Trek cake--prison with no chance of parole!
Brownie Husband video was removed by the user :-(
These are the days that make me long for a scanner. My brother and I made a better Star Trek cake than that when I was 14 (so about 10 years before my sister and I actually started learning to decorate cakes) using nothing but a knife, some gray icing, and M&Ms. That thing looks like a cross between a blimp and a jet. *shudder* Someone, please, put that thing out of it's misery.
Coincidentally (or perhaps not), the following Overhead in the Office quote popped up right before this Cakewrecks post in my Google Reader: http://www.overheardintheoffice.com/archives/011165.html
The cake is still atrocious, though . . .
WOW!! That Star Trek cake looks like the "Darwin fish" you sometimes see on the backs of cars! And as for the turkey... well, it's a good thing I hadn't eaten yet :)
2 is pretty horrible, but I think the biggest tragedy of the last cake is the lack of Dancing with the Stars references - I mean, talk about a missed opportunity!
I think I just threw up in my mouth a little - that turkey cake is beyond disturbing.
Did I hear someone gasp, "Star Wrek"?
How tragic to see that Pamela Anderson has an advanced case of jaundice.
On the Enterprise crime scene, yes, it's a crime. But an inspiring one. I thought of a favorite Sandburg poem, with a new twist....
"The Enterprise comes in on little duck feet." Lily
Well, at least the Trek cake doesn't have Star Wars figures on it.
That's some Star Wreck there...sorry, couldn't resist the pun.
~E
The best (worst?) part of the turkey cake is that those look like WRAPPED caramels coming out of its cavity. How are you supposed to eat that? Oh, you're not? NOW it makes sense!
Those "cornbread cubes" are caramels still in the wrapper, aren't they?
/shakes head
I am curious though what the cranberries actually are. The cake doesn't make me queasy, but doesn't excite me either. Of course, the whole point of having a roasted, stuffed cake is lost on me in the first place.
The Enterprise cake just fails in every way.
And I don't know what to make of the lava butterflies, but I do know no one wants to touch that much black icing. I bet it started out with something else, decorator messed up, tried to fix it, made it worse, then just tried to 'black-out' over the mess because the boss said they couldn't throw it out. Yeah...let's give them the benefit of a doubt. This time. >.>
That first cake isn't the Enterprise at all, it's front half of the Headless Donkey costume some cosplayer was planning to wear to the con, but his SO wouldn't let him because A) it was a bad idea, there is no Headless Donkey episode on any of the Star Treks, even though it would rock, and B) her half of the costume was even worse.
-Rufus
The Pam Anderson cake is fantastic! (And by fantastic, I of course mean simultaneously gag-inducing and tears-of-laughter-causing.) My favorite part is definitely the hair. "Hm. What is Pam Anderson known for? Obviously, her hair. We need to make that a leeeeetle more evident on this cake." That's right-- just let loose with that icing bag for that realistic hair texture.
--kate
The CCC Star Trek is pretty horrendous, but that vomiting turkey is sort of stunning, in its own way. It's realistic, but not in a good way.
As for the too-much-black-icing number, I'm wondering what it looked like before it melted.
The thing about the Pamela Anderson effigy is, I'm not sure where the photo ends and the frosting begins. In fact, maybe that's just a photo of the real Pamela.
Oh, yes, the Pamela Anderson cake.
One look is better than a cold shower.
The turkey cake is stuffed is cat food right? barf...
What have they DONE to the Enterprise?!?!?!?!?!?! That might be the most horrific cake EVER!! Poor Gene....must be rolling over in his grave!
I swear, my ASL teacher drew that "Star Trek" cake on the board last week. We were learning signs for transportation, and he threw that one in there for the humor, but I could not figure out what the hell he was drawing. NOW at last the mystery has been solved!
Cake #3 makes me envision a LaBrea Tar Pit cake with dinosaurs, et al sticking in the thick black icing.
that turkey cake is truly disgusting.
and pam's cake looks more phallic to me in shape...
Why do they even make black icing? I see no reasonable use for it at all.
The filling in the brownie husband made me want to skip lunch. Disgusting! (And thanks for another great post.)
That Star Trek cake is "warped" enough to "drive" one space-sick! LOL!
That turkey cake is one of the most revolting things I've ever seen on this site. And that's really saying something!
And the commentary for the Pamela Anderson cake made me choke on my tea; thanks for that. ;)
I think my favorite part is that your Icing Distributor appears to be Wolverine! :)
Oddly enough, I had almost the same visceral feeling of wrongness to that Enterprise cake as I did when I saw what they had done to the Enterprise in the 2009 _Star Trek_ movie...
"weaker constitutions" indeed....
*laugh*
What a "class"-y pun!
The black gooey mess looks like a bloody crime scene with vampire butterflies, that must have been some celebration. The turkey one make me want to "Urp.. Blaghhhh!" The Pamela one is disturbingly hilarious.
I could comment on the wreckiness of today's cakes, but I believe the props go to Jen for her commentary on these bakery blunders. Jen, your puns, quips, etc., were absolutely fabulous - especially for the turkey (how many different ways can you describe the act of vomiting without actually saying the word - at least four, it seems!). Brilliant!
Somebody call the Cake-Scene Investigators!!
http://agirlinherkitchen.blogspot.com
Sometimes the SIMPLEST theory is the the one most likely to be the truth.
Submitted for your approval:
1. Mr. T. Turkey is hanging out on the rack in the grocer's cooler, minding his own business and awaiting further instructions.
2. Ms. BUTTERCREME WHITE (CHOCOLATE DECOR CAKE), also in the cooler, is smoothing out her creamy dress...primping in anticipation of store's opening...all ready to bat her butterflies at prospective buyers.
3. The horror begins when Mr. T. Turkey realizes that while he has been stuffed~~and quite gorgeously, we might add~~he hasn't yet been relieved of his drippy, bloody giblet bag.
4. Tragedy strikes when the drippy, bloody giblet bag begins to ooze its contents down...down...down...
drop by gory drop..
upon poor Ms. BUTTERCREME WHITE (CHOCOLATE DECOR CAKE).
The only thing I can't figure out is HOW did all that happen with the plastic cover on the cake???
HUH. Maybe there isn't a simple explanation after all.
=^6.6^=
Ewwwww!
Mr. Spock would call the Star Trek cake "ILLOGICAL"...I just call it a tragedy.
The best part about that Pamela Anderson cake is that edible photo paper wasn't even used! That bakery puts REAL pictures on their cakes.
My favorite part about the Turkey cake is that the "turkey" was stuffed from the wrong end. At least in my experience, we stuffed the turkey from where the head used to be. Or it's legs are on backwards and on the wrong end. Either way, it's disgusting.
Damn it, Jim, I'm a doctor, not a pastry chef!
-L. McCoy
Poor Pamela - her skin looks so yellow. She must still be suffering from jaundice from the hepatitis.
I have stuffed a turkey with apples, but I never thought to stuff a turkey with CARAMEL apples!
*shudder*
i can't understand how anyone could want to eat a turkey that tastes like cake, but looks like turkey. especially one that looks like the result of a nite of bingeing or a crime scene.
@Betsy - I don't think the turkey cake is stuffed backwards. I usually stuff from the tail end of the turkey, and just tuck some celery in the head end.
Hm, it looks like chunky dog food with berries pouring out of that turkey's butt. Lovely.
I didn't know the Enterprise was a blimp!
(This gives me an interesting idea for a Steampunk Star Trek, though ...)
The turkey cake... though on the side of absolutely disgusting gets major points from me for being extremely creative and very realistic. Kudos turkey creator.
Number 2 was just....urgh. The last one was.....?!?!
HILARIOUS as always, thanx! ;-)
Tell me that the use of the word "Constitution" was intentional. Star Trek geeks know that the Enterprise is a Constitution class vessel.
Dont know why the turkey cake is considered wrecky, it looks just like a turkey with stuffing and cranberries. I would more than definitely eat a drumstick or two; it looks like I would get a nice mouthful of chocolate~
OMG. The Star Trek cake looks like it should be a Weight Watchers "before" shot. "Look how big my pants used to be! And now? I'm a size -6!"