When Cake Becomes a Crime
April 26, 2010 Most wrecks are funny. Some are tragic. A few even make us cringe.
But then there's another kind of wreck: A wreck so heinous, so warped, so jaw-droppingly wrong, that it is a crime against humanity itself. These wrecks' very existence should be a punishable offense.
You know, stuff like this:
My apologies to those of you with weaker constitutions; I know how hard this is to look at. What's that? You don't think butchering the Enterprise in this manner is a crime worthy of judicial condemnation? Really?
Man, it's like I don't even know you anymore.
Well, fine, then. I'm sure you'll at least agree that this next one deserves the old heave-ho:
There she blows! (Chunks, that is.)"That glistening pile is quite retch-ed, wouldn't you say, Ralph?"
"Ug, thanks for bringing that up, Chuck."
I'm also starting to think that black icing should be a controlled substance:
You know, have it locked up in the back somewhere, with a designated icing distributor on-site.
A black smeary pit to stick plastic butterflies in?
Yeah, forget it, bub. Move along."
Another common cake crime is the use of edible photo paper. Sure, a few cake artists can wield this WMD without causing wide-spread horror and gnashing of teeth, but most bakers use it to further the cause of chaos and evil.
And by "chaos and evil," I of course mean former Baywatch babes:
Busted!I'm not sure which is scarier: the icing "hair," the obvious disregard for neck transitions, or the fact that these are actually the correct proportions for Pamela Anderson's body. [shudder]
Becky D., Rebecca I., Frances & Chris O., and Amanda I., if Brownie Husband ever becomes a reality, then I guess this won't seem so bad, huh?
- Related Wreckage: Guess Who!
Reader Comments (118)
That first one has that added evil of being a CCC *patooy* I believe.
That's no Enterprise...it's a fish that's just grown a pair of legs and is crawling onto land. And that fish happens to have "Star Trek" tattooed on its side. And has no fins.
When I worked at a bakery we STRONGLY discouraged customers from ordering cakes with black icing.
1. It makes everyones teeth black, so your lovely wedding photos make it look like everyone has been hitting the chewing tobacco pretty hard since they were two
2. Whatever ever chemical properties are in black icing dye are pretty bitter and nasty tasting
I am wondering if bakers aren't sharing this info with their clients, in the case of black icing the customer is not always right.
Rache G
O, blasphemous Enterprise! You are Picasso's manatee. I am anxiously awaiting a dyslexic shark attack from below...
@ Anonymous 10:06,
Sandburg.
Star Trek.
= two things that should NEVER be mentioned in the same "breath" (or keystrokes) with
what
ever
that
thing
is
in the first picture.
Set phasers to OVERLOAD!
Wow. That turkey cake is so barf-tastic, it should come with a warning label. "Warning: May Induce Projectile Vomiting!"
I'm no Trekkie but that first cake is an abomination! It looks like a beheaded Loch Ness Monster with its little flippers hanging off the bottom. 0_o
I don't get the attraction of boob cakes. You have to SLICE into them! Okay, we need to ban cakes that look like parts of humans. Except for clowns.
The thing with feet in number one is really supposed to be the Enterprise? bad,bad,bad!
Unfortunately I was eating when I saw pic number 2. Now I'm just nauseated.
Why would you ever need black icing?
Have Pamela's tata's really fallen so badly that she now has a flat chest with boobies on her stomach? How pitiful.
That turkey cake is just WRONG on so many levels...
Okay, I could deal with the Enterprise cake if they just did the saucer section and had an interesting or at least funny backstory of why they'd undergone saucer separation. That's a good cheeseball part of the show, so fair 'nuff.
But why oh why does it have FEET?!
Now I will grant that it's actually a pain in the butt to make, and forward-heavy (probably because of all the hootch stored in Ten Forward), so I had to mount my mini one on a little black circle (http://kimberlychapman.com/crafts/cakes/cake-2010alienfilmfestival-09-parkingside1.jpg) and it was difficult to get the proportions even close to right, but COME ON. Decorators, at least do a Google image search on any fan-based cake you make! ARGH!
And the turkey thing is gross, mostly because it looks like it's pooping stuffing.
I honestly think that the turkey cake is the greatest cake in the history of cakes.
The Star Trek cake is obviously an alien life form - look, its got eyes on those appendages below it. Let's hope it boldly goes.
The last one it too, I think she appeared in 'Mars Attacks'
(The turkey one is helping with my diet, many thanks!)
If you can't view the Brownie Husband video, look up the recent SNL episode hosted by Tina Fey. It's one of the skits from that show. DEFINITELY worth watching!
I agree, the inch-thick slather look makes me suspect that the grey thing labeled "Star Trek" is a dreaded CCC. In this case, double- or triple-dreaded.
Not to be picky, but I count *5* barf references! And yes, there are a zillion more, Jen of course stuck with the most um, TASTEFUL isn't the right word, let's go with INNOCUOUS!
Kim
Actually, the Pamela Anderson cake has a sheer evil, parody charm.
I'm with you on the black icing though. My daughter's graduation colors were black and red.
soooooooooo many discolored teeth--I mean amongst my guests--on ON the cake. We saved that for a hill billy celebration we had once.
We learned an important lesson. No matter WHAT color the school decided were class colors, we ignored them and just went with pastel cake.
set the phasers to kill Scotty!
Aye sir!
Hulu what are the readings?
It Jammed the scanners sir I cannot penetrate that frosting defense system!
What fiendish life form is this Spock?
Illogical captain it does not equate.
The Star Trek cake is clearly the USS Reliant from Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan.
http://www.starshipmodeler.com/trek/reliant.jpg
The fact that the icing on the turkey cake is shiny makes it more disgusting than it already is.
I'm going to go watch a cute kids movie now, I need to get those horrible cake images outta my head. yowsers.
That isn't the Constitution-class Enterprise, that's a Miranda-class ship, possibly the Reliant as seen in The Wrath of Khan! You can tell by the nacelles being positioned beneath the hull. Still badly done, though...
Wreck rhymes with trek.
The turkey cake's "suffing" looks an awful lot like canned dog food! My first thought while looking at it was "Why is there dog food on a chicken!?" I'd hate to go to thanksgiving dinner at that wreckorator's house!
Each and every one of these cakes is somehow horrifying, and all truly deserve their "wreck" status...but the turkey cake, well, that just made me want to cover it with the RED SAWDUST that the janitor had for such situations in grade school...
the turkey cake... it's so.... shiney...
Funny, I don't think the turkey cake is that bad. Why anyone would want to follow a turkey dinner with a turkey cake is a mystery to me, but at least it was rather well done. Of course, I do rather like Kraft caramels so I might be biased .
The hideous black topped cake, however, should have been put out of its misery by... well, driving over it (maybe that's the red? roadkill??). The asphalt, however, might get insulted.
WV: Hyreate. Hysterial laughter over Cake Wrecks creations.
For the Star Wreck... the wreckorators should be sentenced to life on the frigid gulag planet of Rura Penthe.
Riker said "Fate protects fools, little children, and ships named Enterprise." Apparently this one slipped through a wormhole...
Oh. Wow. that's... right. no comment on the trek wrek.
But the turkey? Are those caramels? What the 4e11 are they in, they're all... gooey and glisteny and.. *mrph* ('scusemeplease!)
The third one looks more to me like somebody didn't know when to stop with the red paste color. Still disgusting.
And isn't it appropriate that you posted that last one on Boobquake day (http://www.facebook.com/event.php?eid=116336578385346)
Some wrecks are wrecks because they don't look anything like what they are supposed to look like (#1). Some wrecks are wrecks because they look entirely too exactly like what they are supposed to look like, and cake shouldn't look like that (#2).
"Heave" being the operative word here! These are all so scary... they prove once again that many bakeries have a wide parameter of what they consider "talent"!
I almost peed my pants watching Brownie Husband... Tina Fey is the queen!
You know, I actually think the turkey cake's kinda cool.
As a diehard Star WARS fan, I laugh evilly at that mangled Enterprise.
MWAHHAHAHAHA!
The turkey looks like it's pooing grapes and caramels...like the kind you get for making caramel apples...and then was glazed with Vaseline. I must thank you for posting this in April and not close to Thanksgiving.
Well that obviously isn't the Enterprise.
It could be... (*goes off to do some research*)... the Titan, maybe? Or the Bader? The Clearview? There are other Starfleet vessels it could possibly be, viewed from an angle....
Cake #1 is an utter travesty!! Sincerely!
But cake #2...I couldn't look at it. I am still nauseous. Please don't make me look again. Please
Hulu is not Canada-friendly! :(
Wow.
That Star Trek CCC looks like a rejected "Mr. Men" character.
The turkey... well, I just plain don't see the point of a turkey-shaped cake. If you're going to do something, though, do it RIGHT. Don't leave wrapped candies in place of stuffing. Especially when (as was pointed out) it looks kinda like dog food if you do.
I look at those butterflies and I only hope they can escape being sucked into that Dark Vortex of Doom.
As for Pam... at least she's participating in BOOBQUAKE!
The crew of the Enterprise is crying over the horrid depiction of their "beautiful lady"
There should be a General order on this.
http://memory-alpha.org/wiki/General_Order_4
Turkey cake for dessert. I guess that means they had turkey meatloaf for dinner.
Ok - "Star Trek - the Next Manatee."
And poor Pamela Sue looks like she ended up on a peniscake.
My husband said, in regard to the "turkey," - "That doesn't look like a turkey, it looks like a diseased vagina."
Turkey cake has lost its bucket!
Maybe it's not the Enterprise - maybe it's Herman Munster's lobotomy.
This site is hilarious. Who would've thought that there's such a thing as a cake disaster! Cakes seem to always look perfect.
How is the turkey cake a wreck? It really DOES look like a stuffed turkey. Whoever did it did an excellent job!
That turkey cake made me very uncomfortable:-p Am I the only one who could see it... throbbing?
I love the cakes - I mean the awfulness ... but I hate the new "more more more" thing on the bottom. I find it distracting :( otherwise you guys are the greatest. And funniest. Really the est of everything.
NOOOO! Who wrote Star Trek on the crappy UFO-looking thing! Must.. console self... by watching this clip: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dWBmaKk32fE
Ahhhh...... better.
all I can imagine with the Pamela cake is that ... someone intentionally made it that ugly... knowing Tom would "motorboat" it anyway.... just sayin
I don't know which is worse that horrible Pam cake with huge balloons or that turkey that is pooping out caramels.. I will never eat caramel again just seeing that thing makes me wish today was Sunday! And if my hubby saw that Star Trek cake he would probably take a lightsaber to the wreckerator lol..
One good reason to break out the black icing...it can turn the eater's poop kelly green. Which is fun to surprise your party guests with the day after the party!
Signed,
Completely anonymous (I'm not admitting anything here)
A grusome collection here!
In defence of the first Wreck, I think it's supposed to be the Enterprise at an angle. Looking down from behind.
Not that I think it's not a wreck, but I can see what they were trying to do! Trying being the operative word here, you understand!
CCC, yuk!
Black icing has its uses... This is not one of them, though.
The turkey cake picture is now on my fridge, as a diet aid.