A Long Shot
October 5, 2009 This is not the post that was originally scheduled for today.
Why?
Because the original post - which was written last week, mind you - said the following:
"As some of you know, Jen and I are currently touring around this great country of ours talking about cake, signing books, and trying desperately not to vomit. As of today, Jen has lost two fingers on her signing hand and has twelve different strains of the flu. Other than that, though, the tour's going really rather well."
Yep, that was John being funny, and yep, he apparently has now picked up my uncanny knack for pre-writing posts which foreshadow terrible events. Only this time, it's personal.*
If you're wondering where we are right now, here's a hint:
What do you mean, "that doesn't help any?" C'mon, isn't it obvious? That's only a super-famous sports logo for a super-famous sports team!
No?
Ok, fine, if I have to spoon-feed it to you:
What, nothing? Tch. Look, I don't see how this jumbled mass of shotgun shells and strawberries could make it any clearer. [head tilt] Well, unless maybe you held them up to a mirror. Heh. Yeeeah.Margaret I., Leti S., & Jennifer F., that last one really is in a sorry state, isn't it?
- Related Wreckage: The Tell-Tale Heart
* In the past two days John has suffered a head injury, pneumonia, and a staph infection of the blood. As of this writing he's still in critical condition, and the remainder of the book tour has been canceled. (Because when we wreck a book tour, we wreck a book tour.)
Reader Comments (547)
Arrrrrghh,
Time to amass your wreckerator troops to work some anti-wreckination magic on the both of you. Wishing you all the best and a hyperspeed recovery. I definitely saw a uterus at first for the first cake, so thought, "Ok, they're in the hospital, that makes sense", but the cheeky white piping on the edge wouldn't leave me alone, so I thought perhaps it was a pair of naughty Santa-themed panties...I personally feel it's a bit too early for such things (still preparing for Halloween), but maybe you found yourselves in an overly enthusiastic holiday town. Thanks for the clarification, but I may just choose to continue to see it my way. XD
I'm a long-time lurker and I'm upset for you guys that John is currently a CCC (Critical Condition Cakewrecker). Seriously, it must be very scary and I felt so sorry for you both having to cancel the tour for this reason. Just wanted to wish you both lots of luck and I hope you're both feeling better very soon.
Celebrate Life! Avoid Death! Can the nurses rig up a buttercream IV?
Ah, the Fighting Texas Ladyparts.
Best wishes to John for a swift recovery!
I hope everything works out well and John recovers quickly. Take care of yourself so you don't succumb to the wreckage too....
Dear Critical Condition John,
I send my heartfelt prayers to your wrecked body. I send good energies and warm fuzzy feelings to your possibly addled mind. I send hare kamas and hare krishnas to your unsettled soul. I send golden crosses and silver stars of david to your unbalanced spirit. I send positive energy and quantum level positive thinking to the Universe knowing it will aid in healing your individual cells with the sound of my neurons firing in tune with the vibrations of the Universe.
But, really, I just want you to GET WELL SOON.
Sincerely,
Green
W.V.: reint n. v. southern pronunciation of comment noun or verb "rent."
I'm sorry to hear about John. I hope he gets well soon. We all need both of your witty commentary to get us through our day.
I'm keeping you in my prayers! Get well soon, hope recovery is a piece of cake. (urgggh). But really, y'all are two of my very favorite online people, and I look forward to your posts each morning. So I'm sending the most well-wishes I can from Boston. <3 <3
I just discovered your Cake Wrecks blog and now it is a must see every week day (I stay far, far away from computers on weekends!) as I try to perfect my "work avoidance" technique. Thanks so much for doing this and I hope both of you make a speedy recovery!!
Here's my husband's favorite joke for John:
What's brown and sticky?
A stick!
(I didn't say my husband was funny now did I?)
Big Fan in Portland
Ya'll hang in there! We missed you in Austin, but I think ICU counts as an acceptable excuse. I'm sending up a prayer for you both.
Oh.. and as to the "Longhorn" cakes - when I was in 8th grade sex ed, our teacher showed us a model of the female reproductive system and showed us how to remember the parts by comparing them to a Longhorn. (Fallopian tubes/horns, ovaries/ears, etc.) We truly bleed orange here!
I am sooooo sad that you guys won't be coming to New York :( But I hope you both feel better soon. I please please please reschedule the tour when you're well!
PS> I have a friend who thinks this is the funniest joke ever: Did you hear about the evil tuna? He was rotten to the albacore.
PPS> My friend was wrong
I hope John will be better soon, but as usually is the case, if you get unlucky everything that can go wrong goes wrong, right?
A joke.
Johnny goes to school. His teacher asks him: "Can you tell me the first three letters of the alphabet?" John: "No sir, I've got no idea." Teacher: "I can't believe it! If you come back tomorrow I want you to know it, or else..."
So Johnny goes home. And he asks his dad: "What's the first letter of the alphabet?" Dad is a businessman, and now was very bad timing, as he was just finishing a large deal. So he says: "Don't disturb me! I've got more important things to do."
Then he decides to go to his sister. She just loves singing, and that's exactly what she's doing when he knocks at her door. "What's the second letter of the alphabet?" "Yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah!"
Then he goes to his brother, who is a superman fan. He's just watching his favorite episode. "What's the third letter of the alphabet?" "Tenenene.... SU-perman!"
The next day Johnny goes to school. The teacher asks him: "So, Johnny, what's the first letter of the alphabet?" "Don't disturb me! I've got more important things to do." "You rude, rude boy! Go to the corridor immediately and I don't want to see you here for the rest of the day." "Yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah!" "Who exactly do you think you are?" "Tenenene.... SU-perman!"
I was out of town, so I got this news late. Get better John! So sad to hear this happened at all, let alone in the middle of your book tour!
I never comment, but I wanted to send you my best wishes and prayers for his quick recovery. I enjoy your site so much, and I'm so sorry to hear about such misfortunes.
Oh Jen, John -- I honestly don't know what to say!! I'm of course sad that I won't get to see you in Bethesda, but I'm really REALLY incredibly sorry for the reason!!! Geez!!
Okay -- all my "get well quick" prayers are heading your way!!! If only I knew how to fax you some Matzoh Ball soup... (Jewish Penicillin!!) I guess some really bad cake jokes will have to do instead... Here goes...
When is a birthday cake like a golf ball?
They both get sliced.
Why do you put the candles on top the birthday cake?
It's too hard to put the candles on the bottom.
What did the ice cream say to the unhappy cake?
"Hey, what's eating you?"
"Doctor, I get heartburn every time I eat birthday cake."
Next time, take off the candles."
Hey, I warned you they were bad!!
GET WELL SOON!!!
PLEASE GET BETTER SOON. I love both of you and think you guys rock.
OK, jokes.... NOt sure if this one is in here (no time to read the 200 some odd comments).
There are 2 muffins in an oven. One muffin says to the other muffin "boy is it hot in here." The other muffin says "OH MY GOD A TALKING MUFFIN!!!"
Sorry but that is my favorite joke of all time. I know it is silly and cheesy but it has baked goods in it. I guess I could have changed it to say "There are 2 cupcakes in a oven." Hope you enjoy it :)
Get well soon both of you! We can happily cope without wreckage for you both to recover and be well.
After Scott's comment about that last cake looking like a uterus I'm slightly peturbed that my verification word is "vagicala"!
Hey John and Jen,
Hugs and speedy recovery wishes to you both. Wanted to let you know my kids ( ages 13-18) love your site and often we gather around computer and cry ( with laughter) together. AH.. family time!
Joke: ok pretty lame but
" why did the tuna cross the ocean?"
Because he though he was the 'chicken of the sea'
ok... i'm sorry didn't mean to make you gag! Hugs : )
Yeah, I'm voting for charred uterus on #1 too *clutches belly protectively. Aaaaaaack!
Good grief! You didn't need to get sick just so I wouldn't have to bake and decorate a cupcake when you come to Kansas City! (I won't even sing a chorus of "If I knew You Were Coming I'd a Baked a Cake", so you don't have to add an ear infection to John's problems.)
Seriously, I'm hoping you both get to feeling better soon.
I thought it looked like a uterus too. I'm sorry you guys are feeling bad and hope you get well soon!
Jen and John, I'm so sorry. Healthy wishes to you both.
So sorry to hear John is still doing poorly. Tell him to be happy this didn't happen in Ireland. I had a case of septicemia in Co. Claire (should have stuck to the Guinness) and I spent a week "in hospital" there. Every day I had to wave off the elderly nun who wanted to pray the rosary with me. By day four I was saying, "I really appreciate it, Sister, but I'm still not Catholic..."
Seriously, speaking from personal experience, John has the easy part of this crisis: he just has to lay there & get better. You have to run around and change schedules, find a place to stay, figure out where to get meals, etc. My heart goes out to you.
I'm in Dallas, so I add myself to the list of locals offering home-cooked meals, errands run, the loan of a cat or two, or anything else that would help. jinksb@gmail.com
I've been reading CW for almost as long as you've been writing it but never posted before (although I've shown it to everyone who walks into my house I think). Not to beat a wrecked longhorn, but you both are in our thoughts and mental hugs are being sent! My son would like to send along his favorite joke - he's just turned 4 so prepare yourself...
Q: Why did the chicken cross the playground?
A: To get to the other slide!
*groan* I know, it's supposed to make you feel better not worse, but he means well. :D We all know that getting well takes as long as it takes but we're hoping it's sooner rather than later. Feel better soon.
Whoa. Looked less like a Longhorn cake and much, much more like a bikini bottom.
I thought maybe you guys were in Cancun or something at a topless beach. XD
Feel better soon, John! Today is the 40th Birthday of Monty Python's Flying Circus premiering on the BBC, so you need to do some celebrating!
I'll try to keep this as clean as possible - Not the first time someone made the Texas Longhorns look like a team of ---------
Hope the humor lightens your situation. Rest well and good luck!
Sending you and John best wishes and hope for a speedy recovery!
Sending up prayers for a speedy recovery for John and peace for you in the midst of it.
Both of you feel better soon! Here's a good one!
A f ew days ago I was having some work done at my local garage. A blonde came in and asked for a seven-hundred-ten. We all looked at each other and another customer asked, "What is a seven-hundred-ten?"
She replied, "You know, the little piece in the middle of the
engine, I have lost it and need a new one.." She replied that she did not know exactly what it was, but this piece had always been there. The mechanic gave her a piece of paper and a pen and asked her to draw what the piece looked like. She drew a circle and in the middle of it wrote 710. He then took her over to another car which had its hood up and asked "is there a 710 on this car?" She pointed and said, "Of course, its right there." If you're not sure what a 710 is click here: http://www.hotautoweb.com/cogifs/710.jpg
Sorry to hear he's still doing so poorly. I hope both of you are feeling better soon!
By the way, I thought that first cake was supposed to be the female reproductive system...but, yeah, Longhorns. Sure, I'll buy that!
I am so sorry John is so sick. Praying that he feels better very very soon. And praying for you, as well.
SRBurk
huh, It started out like an unfinished Dali... and then morphed into some strange genetic mutation, but the backwards 'n' bullets made my day.
Get better J & J. Hope this note finds you in better health and on the road to recovery.
Canada
I LOVE YOUR BLOG!!
Sending good thought and prayers your way for speedy and complete recoveries!
denise
Surviving breasr cancer (in Texas!)
http://www.TeamDenise.org
Don't think I've ever commented here even though I've followed since the beginning...
No prayers from me since I'm not sure what bad things would become you if I did, but my good health thoughts are coming your way! I spent way too much time in hospitals as a kid, and it's no fun, ever. :( Hope you can get out of there soon!
I thought the top picture was suppossed to be something dirty minded, like a body "part" but I was wrong!!
My prayers are with you both! I was distraught to read the news today. Another longtime reader but first-time poster here; and I must tell you that I was delighted to find the book at my local Borders last weekend. I could not, however, read it in the store, because I was laughing so hard, I was afraid I was going to disturb everyone else. :)
SO sorry to hear things have not gotten any better! But I am impressed with your "Can do" spirit. Absolutely nothing half-assed about your way of ending it! Feel better soon and all my best!
Jenn...I have loved your blog posts for ages. I do hope John recovers soon. keep us updated but take care of yourself too.
John, As an honorary Texan for the time being, you'll be needin' to pray to God, the Longhorns (ignore the false idol Aggies) and Sam Houston, in that order.
Since you're so sick, we'll do it for you for now. You'll see, you'll be delievered back to health in no time flat.
Hi, and thank you for the most amusing site in years. Laugh myself silly every time I come here.
Quick cake-oriented question; Here in Scandinavia, when we cut and serve cake- we traditionally exclaim marriage related nonsense depending on how the cake slice is seated on the plate. Upright means "Oh, look who'll be getting married before new year's eve!", Toppled cake means "Aw schucks. Maybe next year."
Is this balderdash existant in your strange and remote homes of the world?
Oh no! You're supposed to be here eating Kansas City barbecue until you burst! Everyone get well soon, and remember, sometimes the Great Bakery of Life gives you a cupcake cake (ptooie!).
^..^
Wow, I'm so sorry - it's bad enough to be seriously ill, but to be seriously ill that far from home must be awful. Sending thoughts for a speedy recovery.
Sarah
Oh my! Feel better!
Sending prayers and well-wishes your way. My 4-year-old (who loves the cakes, but can rarely identify them from his limited perspective) send you the following:
Knock knock.
Who's there?
Kangaroo.
Kangaroo who?
Giant one. Eating....bugs!
Wow - poor John! My thoughts are with you both and I hope he has a speedy recovery!
Jen, sending many wishes for a speedy and full recovery to you and John. Head injury, flu, AND a staph infection? Poor guy!
Also, does anyone else find it funny that the longhorn logo basically looks like the female reproductive system or is that just me? Go HOGS!
Hope John recovers soon. I also thought the first cake was a uterus but the second one makes me think of "Jurassic Park"
I've never posted, but your site brings a lot of laughter to my day. I hope you both are feeling better soon!
Your husband, who I don't know, is in our thoughts and prayers! I hope he makes a speedy and complete recovery.