I'll Take My Chances

Either this is the new "Russian Roulette" event in a Competitive Eating Competition, or someone is trying to tell the cake-lover in their life to start prioritizing. If said cake-lover is anything like me, however, he or she would be reading the word "Poison" with 3 bon bons already stuffed in her cheeks, chipmunk style.

And lest you think the odds are 1 in 6, like I initially did, look again. There are actually bon-bons ringing the whole cake, so your odds are more like 1 in 30. Well, assuming you only eat one, of course, which we all know would be against the laws of nature.

Aside from the possible poisoning attempt, this cake also breaks the laws of good taste by employing a sporadic color palette, sickly-looking yellow "flowers" (I use the term loosely), and a general over-use of the star tip: it looks like someone decorated the whole thing with a Redi-Whip can. Also, if we're to assume those red things are berries (see, John? I'm giving it the benefit of the doubt!), why are most of them centered on the "leaves"?

You know your mom is cheap when...

you have to share your own birthday cake. With a boy.

(Yeah, I'm taking Ashley's side. Why? Because a) she likes Disney stuff, b) she's enduring what I'm assuming must be a sports logo on her birthday cake, and c) she's a girl. But mostly the Disney thing.)

I like the unintentional irony of having Eeyore on the cake, though. A glum donkey for a glum-ass cake - it's quite appropriate. Still, I have a few questions:

1) Since the "Eagles" logo is blue, why is the icing green?
2) Can anyone see the colors green & purple together and NOT think of either Mardi Gras or the Joker?
3) How come Glen gets his name capitalized, but not Ashley?
4) Did anyone else first read this as "Happy ashley Birthday Glen"?
5) Doesn't Glen's side look bigger? Hey, I think it IS bigger. Mo-oooommm!!!