Bridal Terrors
September 27, 2017 A lot of brides like to give their bakers a photo of their dream wedding cake, in the hopes that they might, in fact, get a cake that looks at least vaguely similar.
However, as you long-time readers know, this can be a lot like asking Francois the painting ferret** to whip you up a quick Mona Lisa. Some of the colors might be right, but in the end it's probably gonna be covered in fur and little poo nuggets. (The painting, that is, not the cake.) (We hope.)
For example:
Amanda C. asked for this, only in white and with a C:
;)
And, in the baker's defense...
;)
...that is most definitely a C.
Jei gave this picture to the head "chef" at a "luxury" beach "resort":
;)
And she got...this:
;)
I can't decide which is classier: the oozing cake or those water bottles.
Do you think the bride had to spring for those? [chortle]
Candice F. wanted this mushroom cake:
;)
And her baker's interpretation?
;)
Aw, those bakers: such fun guys.
Joanne and Elena wanted this stunner for their wedding:
;)
And, to be fair, what they got did leave them stunned:
;)
I would ask what happened to the flowers, but those squiggles have left me speechless.
And finally, Christie D. wanted her cake to look just like this, only with silver ribbon:
;)
Pretty simple, right?
Well, here's an interesting factoid: did you know that "silver ribbon" can be translated as "duct tape"* in some bakeries? It's true. Here's proof:
;)
That's "35 years of experience" right there.
So I'd hate to see what only two decades' worth would look like.
Thanks to brides Amanda C., Jei, Candice F., Joanne & Elena C., and Christie D. for making me feel better about my $80 Publix wedding cake.
*Note: Not actual duct tape. Duct tape is prettier.
**Loyal Wrecky Henchperson Shannon S. sent in this helpful illustration:
;)
Quick! Somebody give me a clever ferret pun!
(I love my job)
*****
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Reader Comments (29)
That last one has got to be one of the worst wrecks ever, mostly because it looks like they didn't even try!
It's also amazing how "silver ribbon" can translate to "you know the flowers - a major highlight of the cake? Yeah, don't bother with those". English - such a multifunctional language.
Maybe I've become inured after seeing so many wrecks, but the cake with the green orchids doesn't look that terrible to me... Sure, the cake is sweating (probably because of humidity at the location), and the flowers are thicker and show less skill than the original, but overall - a league above the sloppy messes it's surrounded with :)
How long did it take Shannon to ferret out that image?
why is cake #2 so shiny and wet looking?
The first one looks like a case of wish vs budget.
There's nothing wrong with the second cake or the water bottles.
Bottled water is served at beach resorts, especially where tap water isn't safe for consumption.
I could give you a ferret pun, but that wouldn't be ferret all.
Well, OBVIOUSLY, these bakers never had the intention of ferreting over their designs. Best I could do for now.
I absolutely LOVE your site, and as a baker myself and KNOWING I am no where near as skilled as the real professional bakers, keep my freshman decorating skills in the sights of only my children and husband - as my children just want to eat the cakey goodness and my husband KNOWS he sleeps beside me at night lol.
Thank you for allowing my work day to fly by while laughing my laboring, call-center call-taking, desk-ridden behind off.
I must have seen too many of those because I'm thinking that mushroom cake could have been a LOT worse!
Mona was going to ask her little friend in for cheese, but she was posing for her portrait, and didn't have the time ferret.
=^-.-^=
Christie's baker took "only with silver ribbon " too literally.
Mona was going to ask her little friend in for cheese, but she was posing for her portrait, and didn't have the time ferret.
=^-.-^=
I don't think the mushroom cake is all that bad. What am I missing?
Few people know that the long name of the "Mona Lisa" is Mustela putorius furo, which means domesticated form of the European polecat.
I was trying to ferret out the bakers motivation and reasoning but in the end I decided they just wanted to weasel out of the hard work!!
It looks like some of these cakes were made while the baker was at a fair riding a ferret's wheel (best I could muster up for my second of the day).
I hope one day you have a book of Wedding Wrecks. They are my all time favorite.
On the mushroom cake, those mushrooms are those little chocorooms cookies you buy pre-made at the store. It bums me out because they didn't even try, just stuck them on there, and some of them are falling off =P The original cake was so much cuter! I think the orchid one's the least offensive of the bunch, but even if slimy cake is to be expected in a humid place it doesn't make it less unappetizing =P
As a former ferret owner, I am clearing up some misconceptions. Ferrets are mustelids, not rodents, closely related to mink, otters, skunks, and ermine. Their feces are "logs" not "nuggets". Cheese is not their thing, but they will dance for raisins. Shannon sent in a lovely Francois. The "silver ribbon" mustelid the bride to ferret out the wrongdoer. (just read it out loud, pronounced must-eh-lid)
So instead of making the mushrooms, the baker stuck those Asian mushroom candies on the cake. And I always thought they looked like male anatomy not mushrooms.
@sendingtheclowns: Nicely punned, stoat fellow! After all, she didn't want to upset the artist while he was busy at his weasel...
Okay, yeah, my jokes are old and smell funny. I'll just put them back in their box and put the musty lid on it.
;)
It looks like duct tape on the silver ribbon cake!
Well if someone told you ferret puns were easy to come by...
they mustelied to you.
If that offends...
you should put up your dooks.
I don't know if anyone else noticed, but those mushrooms on the cake look to be Chocorooms snacks from Meiji company? These little Asian snacks? Which are good, but....for a wedding cake?
On the mushroom cake, the greenery is clearly supposed to be forest ferns. The wreckorator has gone to a lot of trouble to replace this with parsley, in much too pale a colour, but beautifully modelled. Presumably this was done by a different wreckorator from the one who smoothed on the base icing so badly there's an ugly ring round the base of each tier.
@Starknight: I'm not stout, or a fellow, but I thank you kindly....
I wouldn't put the lid on your box just yet. I hear a few more in you;
And SOMEONE has to take care of the weasle! (Cute little things.)
=^~.-^=
Were you thinking of this? and I agree 2 isnt too bad especially compared to the others!
http://www.vulture.com/2015/05/elephant-dung-art-is-expensive-beautiful.html
Oh man I feel so bad for the poor brides. And am still glad my cake was fine. Sheesh what are wreckerators even thinking?
It's the "Mona Weasel"!