Brides Tell All!
May 22, 2014 Ah, wedding wrecks. Like a good movie, they can make you laugh, they can make you cry, and sometimes, they can make you run screaming for small claims court. (Never again, Sea Biscuit. Never. AGAIN.)
So.
Bride-to-be Beverly ordered this wedding cake from her bakery's catalog:
;)
She writes,
"I asked if it was possible to do a dark blue layer as well, and I was assured it was possible and it would look fine."
See, there's your first red flag, Bev. Dark blue and moss green will never look fine together, and anyone who tells you otherwise IS LYING. Or possibly color blind.
"My mom went to pick up the cake and threw a fit. Granted, she didn’t know what it was supposed to look like but she assures me it was much worse, so she made them redo it."
Ah, so they fixed it? Hey, good for them!
Wait, you said "redo," not "fix," didn't you? Ah. Still, how bad could it be?
;)
Why do I even ask anymore.
I mean, really.
...
Next up, Jamie writes:
"I gave our bakery this picture with instructions that I wanted our cake to look just like the top tier - smooth sides, our monogram, and instead of the piping on the bottom, a simple purple ribbon."
;)
That may be the easiest request I've ever heard. Seriously. There's no way a pro baker could mess that up.
Literally, no way.
Literally.
;)
NO WAY.
...
And finally, Carolyn writes:
"Basically, I just wanted the top 3 layers like the cake below in white, with red ribbons and a matching red sash. The flowers were going to be white, with a red and yellow one randomly placed."
;)
Right. Three white layers, red ribbon, and some red and yellow flowers.
;)
NILED IT.
(You know, like the River Nile? 'Cuz it's all flowing down the cake? Yes? No?)
(Hey, if you don't think that's funny then YOU'RE IN DENIAL.)
(Eh? EH??)
Thanks to Beverly, Jamie, & Carolyn's cake for crying us a river.
*****
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Reader Comments (91)
These posts...these make me paranoid. I am getting married and the thought of getting a cake wreck fills me with so much fear!
They still make me laugh though!
@mel-"Through the Eyes of Love" was my best friend's wedding song. I had to listen to it 3-5 times a day for 4 months so I speak from experience: Your version is better than the original. Way better.
Also, I look at the facebook comments several times a week. They're not at all clever and sometimes they're just annoying. Some commenters have even had the nerve to complain about OUR comments. They're sick of the song parodies, they hate the poems, they don't think we're funny. THE NERVE! US!! NOT FUNNY!!
I think we're a riot...
I'm sorry if I offended anyone who, at any time may have left a clever comment on the facebook page.
Thank you.
Dee, just Dee said 'Nobody wants a wreck at the time, but years from now, the wreck will be a favorite wedding story!'
As in Virgil's memorable line from the Aeneid. Aeneas and his men, after long hazard and suffering, had just been shipwrecked heaven knows where. They were lost, cold and wet, and utterly miserable. Aeneas went off to shoot a deer for their supper, and opened their one surviving amphora of wine, and said <I>Forsan et haec olim meminisse iuvabit</I> -- 'One day maybe, we shall remember even these things with pleasure.'
What continually bothers me...call it a pet peeve...is the lack of switching the tips for the pastry bag. SO much could be forgiven if there would just be more than a #9 tip used!!
OMG!!!I am a hobby baker and could do better than any one of these "professionals"!!!Thank God I made my own wedding cake when I got married!!I would have done jail time for assault with a dead cake layer if I had had to pick up any of these for my special day!!!And my husband would have been right behind me!!
@Michelle-Good Luck with your cake!! I too would be afraid to order a wedding cake after seeing this blog!!
@AKSHULLY-These brides probably paid a whole lot more than $50.00 for these cakes, sadly enough.....I won't even turn on my oven for less than $35.00 for a simple 8 inch two layer cake with buttercream and no decorations.....
These bakers have NO SHAME!!!
The first and last are clearly amateurish efforts, but the middle one is a real head-scratcher. What part of "don't pipe ANY decorations or borders on this cake" don't they understand? Did some over-zealous decorator just decide it looked too plain? (I'm imagining some grandma in the kitchen going, "Tsk, tsk, these 'modern' brides just don't know what they're missing without some good, old-fashioned froo-froo!"
And why is the top of the cake square, when the bottom is clearly round? What happened there? "Hey, Joe, bride wants a square cake, but all we got is round pans!" "Eh, just make it _look_ square, Bob, they'll never notice! Alice'll just pipe all over it to cover that up!"
What gets me about the 2nd one - it looks like a white SpongeBob Squarepants!! Did they turn a sheet cake on its side to get the effect? I got my wedding cake from a Publix in FL and was quite pleased with it. It was, however, very simple and only one layer.
Ok I am a cake
decorator. #1 is horrible. # 2 not much better. But #3 have some questions about. I have seen some absolutely beautiful cakes leave my bakery. Aome have came back looki
ng like this. In the summer in 100°weather. Icing melts people.if you don't have proper ac or refrigeration. Any cake will melt
@ SuBee: NOT FUNNY???? They say we are NOT funny??? How DARE those FB people! Sick of song parodies? What is wrong with those people? We ARE a riot. Coffee/ iced tea screen splats prove it!
@ mel: Your comment to lisadh was well appreciated by all of us who are regulars here. I haven't been to the FB page recently. I, like you, fee the warmth here and come daily whether I comment or not. I do believe we have a great thing going here and would love to have that giant picnic and laugh and laugh and eat cake with everyone. I have tried to get my friends and family to love CW like I do, and they just don't "get it" I suppose. They will think it's "clever" or "silly" or "fun" but, lllllpppphhhhh (raspberries on them) if they don't see it, they can have NO CAKE at our picnic! HA!!!
I get a lot of enjoyment from the comments on here, usually, but be careful about putting down grocery store decorators. Just because we work at a grocery store doesn't mean we can't decorate. I've been doing it for almost 25 years and have NEVER turned out a horrible looking cake like any of these. I can do a fabulous wedding cake in 1 1/2 - 2 hours. I even did my own :)
[Editor's note- You're absolutely right, LauraB. We live next to a Publix and their cakes are exquisite. Same with the Winn Dixie bakers up the road who, btw, are always willing to make me a wreck when I need one for Jen. In addition, we know of more than one independent, professional baker who makes nothing but wrecks. Talent is talent regardless of where you work. Wreck On! john (thoJ)]
@CRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAIIIIIIIIIIG!!!!! I'm still waiting for pictures, Mister!!!
@mel is right. This place is home and the people here are family. Even if I have never met any of you and I'm still not entirely convinced @Craig isn't 7 feet tall, you guys are real and I love playing here.
Now what the heck happened to KarateLady???
They put the icing OVER the ribbon on Cake #3?! Who . . . just . . . WHAT? How did that seem like a good idea? Someone explain this - I don't understand how icing OVER a ribbon is a good idea!
Deserved. Every single thing. They got.
By the third cake I could spot the bride's lies as soon as the word "Basically," which means, "this isn't what I said, but it's what I would like you to believe that I wanted."
If you order a wedding cake from Publix, NOT ONLY do you deserve everything you get, you ALSO deserve being overcharged for it.
Gah. I'm done.
@TheCreepyTribble-BWAHAHAHAHA! Imagine Dragons FTW!
My mom (NOT a professional baker) is making my brother's cake for his wedding next week (my dad's making the chocolates - also not a pro). I think she's feeling a bit nervous about it - she's taken class and read books and experimented with frosting...I'm sure it'll look just fine, but I may show her these to make her feel better.
@Haiku Joy: That was a coffee-spewer! Well done, well done!
@mindy1: thanks for the hehehehe’s and :D
@lisadh: Drats…I am so sorry about that… :-)
@SuBee: Thank you, and I’m sorry you had to hear the original so often; I understand many friendships have not been able to weather such an experience. As for Facebook, well, I guess it takes all kinds. I recall one post when Jen had awarded the “comment of the day” award to someone who had made a comment reflecting a line from The Princess Bride. The writer wrote that she was so surprised because she was not like those uber-clever commenters from the site. And I could tell from the way she typed it that she was being condescending…you could see the mockery in her font (I think it was Arial Scorn). I wanted to white-out her umlaut. I took umbrage (and because it was raining, I also took an umbrella). I think the people here are the funniest people I’ve never met. If the FB don’t think we’re funny, well, their loss. I agree with you: we’re a riot…or my middle name ain’t Puerile.
@ VaBeach alemaP: Thank you for your kind comment. (And your support of SuBee’s post). I think that the kind of humor that is often on display here – very clever word play, parody, puns, carefully constructed Haiku, snappy one-liners, and the like – appeals (dare I say) to a certain type of person who has a sophisticated sense of humor and who appreciates the clever verbal craftsmanship that often goes into both the original post and the comments. This site is a logophile’s dream. If one doesn’t really love (or appreciate) clever, creative word play, well, then they‘ll smile politely and move on. But we’ll let ‘em come to the picnic…there’s always hope…..
@Jodee: Thank you for your comment about our family -- it was posted as I was writing the above @'s..... We are real and this is a fantastic playground! And where is KarateLady, and zoomom, and sendingtheclowns and Barbara Anne?
@TheCreepyTribble: good job! (One of favorite songs...really.)
Marriage is like drinking a Slurpee: At first your like "Oh this is really good I like it" but then you start going too fast and all goes to your head and you scream "WHY THE HELL DID I DO THIS!!!"
OMG! just.... just...OMG! How can they call themselves professionals? OMG!
*shakes head* I just don't get how they would mess up that badly on a WEDDING cake. They know what kind of clientele they're working with- do they WANT to create bridezillas?
Wow. If that first cake was in the baker's book of things they can supposedly do..wth happened?? And I would love to know what that thing looked like originally. Man I hope they didn't pay for it and got it for free for all the hassle.
It seems several regulars are missing. Theardare, do you know anything about this?
So glad I ordered a sheetcake with NO decoration - it did come with a piped border. Then I did the unspeakable and flotsamed the cake - didn't know it was a crime when I did it. Man on 4-Wheeler, Brenda Breyer, horse, 7 cats, 2 dogs... the whole blended family. But so much better than what could have been.
Ya know, the more I read on cakewrecks, the more I want to give up and bake my own cake if I ever get married. It seems like it will be less stress!
There must be a law against cake decorating while under the influence. Because I can't imagine any other excuse. These are professional bakeries that did this? They really don't know how to make fondant? Good God.
Michelle & isabella, don't worry too much about your cakes. Over two million people get married in the U.S. each year yet only a few dozen are special enough to make it on Cake Wrecks.
Granted, there are probably a few hundred more that are bad, but not wrecky enough, but the odds are still in your favor.
And any baker who delivered the last cake to me for any occasion, not just one as important in my life as a wedding, would be wearing it.
@gothchiq
I worked as a baker and cake decorator while going to school, and my best intuition is that these ARE grocery store cakes (which is not to say that there aren't skilled decorators working in grocery store bakeries who do very good work for very little pay). It's my feeling that it's fraudulent to present designs in a catalog that your decorators don't have the skill or materials to reproduce.
OH NO!!!
Judy: I couldn't agree more! Things in the bakery catalog need to be things you can match perfectly. I was only addressing the notion of people trying to haggle the price down to ridiculous lows.
i agree with miss_paper.
The wilted dying flowers on the third cake add to the overall feeling of decomposition. Nice touch. A great theme for a wedding.
I can't even begin to express how much I enjoy this site, especially the snarky comments. Nearly choked on my gum today laughing at the horribly constructed cakes.
My cake was not what I expected, but it was at least beautiful -- just not my vision, and I was very disappointed in its appearance. My husband loved it though (and it was freaking amazingly delicious). Sites like this make me appreciate mine all the more.
Some of these cakes are so poorly executed you really wonder if any of these bakers were truly trained professional bakers. I would rather DIE than have any of those wedding cakes with my name on them and if I wasn't sure I could absolutely pull it off, I wouldn't try. I can practically guarantee you that Carolyn's cake suffered from buttercream melt. Too much butter in the buttercream and iced while either the cake was too warm, the kitchen too warm, or the reception hall too warm. Jamie's cake baker clearly has only size piping tip. And if I'm not mistaken, that catalog cake of Carolyn's looks a lot like fondant, not buttercream like what was delivered given how uneven if coloring is on the layers. Word of warning for any bride: do ask for references, ask about their training, see examples of their personal creations. Not every cake a professional baker makes is absolutely perfect, I have done duds, but given how much you are being charged and the significance of the day, let the buyer beware.
Good Lord, you mean I'm NOT the only bride who had a baker who FLAT OUT IGNORED instruction? Ones that were given, written & then re-iterated over the phone? I wanted SMOOTH, PLAIN "box" like layers, with flowers. I even drew her a diagram! I specified "No piping at all between the layers: clean & elegant." I WROTE THAT DOWN. And, a few days before the wedding, she calls me; "What kind of piping do you want between the layers?" I nearly SCREAMED it at her: "NONE! I didn't want ANY piping AT ALL! " "Oh!" she says, like it's news to her or something! And when we got to the wedding? Crappy pedestrian shell border. My matron of honor, who also bakes, suggested that she might have been too incompetent to have layers without hiding a sloppy join, but, even she said "The most she should have done then was draw a thin line of icing around the base." Sigh. Everything else was fairly decent, tho'.
The last cake fails on a whole 'nother level. Those are alstroemeria lilies on the last cake. From Wildflower.org:
QUESTION:
Hi, I am trying to find out if I can decorate a cake using live alstroemeria laid on top of the icing. I would not want to eat the flower, just lay it on top to look pretty before removing and serving the cake. Thanks for your help!
ANSWER:
Perhaps it wouldn't be the best idea to put Peruvian Lilies (Alstroemeria sp.), beautiful as they are, on your cake. University of California Davis lists them on their Toxic Plants list in Toxicity Class 2 ("Minor Toxicity: Ingestion of these plants may cause minor illnesses such as vomiting and diarrhea.") and Class 4("Dermatitis: The juice, sap, or thorns of these plants may cause a skin rash or irritation."). The Peruvian Lily is also listed by the Washington Poison Center with the same toxicity ratings.
The lillies on the last cake are poisonous!
The first cake is from Publix but I can attest the "real" cake could not have been. If she ordered that cake it would have been delivered by the bakery manager to the reception location, not picked up by the mother. I have two sisters who had cakes from Publix and they were beautiful and both were delivered, not picked up.
Omg that last cake, I hope they didn't eat it, those flowers are alstroemerias they are poisonous ! I'm a florist and that's a huge no no in my industry. Oh noooo!
That cake (#1) was in their catalog?How...why..?
I've worked at a bakery and gone to cake competitions. At one competition, a bakery tried to steal one the winning wedding cakes as everyone was trying to clean up at the end. They got out the front doors and almost got the cake in their van, until the original owner/decorator pulled up in their car and asked them what they were doing with her cake. They dropped the cake and broke the topper. The shady things bakeries do. Not all is sweet in the baking business.