The Miracle of Birth, With a Side of Raspberry Jam
August 10, 2012 It all started with the first censored Cake Wreck:
;)
Remember when I first posted this four years ago? How shocking it was back then?
Ahh, those were the days.
Unfortunately, wreckerators thought edible birth scenes were a BRILLIANT idea, and suddenly there were fondant babies popping out of raspberry jam-smeared vajay jays everywhere. And for some odd reason, I can't help but feel just a teensy bit responsible.
I am become death, the destroyer of wombs.
You might think the more cartoonish versions would be less traumatizing, but only if you've never seen the amount of pubic hair sprinkles that I have. Yeah, you heard me: PUBIC HAIR SPRINKLES. If I have to see it, the least you can do is imagine it.
;)
Do you see the size of that censor box? DO YOU?
Let's just say there are five people at that shower who will never eat chocolate sprinkles again.
And the sixth will never kiss the top of her kids' heads again.
You'll also note that the pubic hair sprinkles are shedding/spreading down mom's legs. You will note this, because I won't let you not note it, and also because I'm really enjoying typing "pubic hair sprinkles."
Question: Where are this poor woman's arms?
;)
And why does she have two pumpkins on her chest? And should we be happy the baby is smeared in white icing instead of raspberry jam?
Which reminds me of a:
TRUE STORY I COULD NOT POSSIBLY MAKE UP: I've attended one birth in my life (beside my own, of course, but the view that time was terrible), and the baby was a "cheesecake baby." Nurses, feel free to explain that in the comments. Everyone else, good luck not remembering this the next time you're eating cheesecake.
I'd really hoped this kind of insanity was contained to just the U.S., but no.
;)
I'm not sure what's coming out of that woman, but it looks like the volleyball head from Castaway floating in intestines. (The censor bar says, "You're welcome.")
And speaking of censor bars, this final cake was so explicit that it was actually impossible to make a censor bar large enough, so we've done the reverse: covered everything except a small circle. Even that is pretty graphic, though, so scroll with caution - and don't say I didn't warn you. ;)
;)
You guys, I never thought I'd say this, but... I miss belly cakes.
(You know it's bad when a C-section cake is less traumatizing, am I right?)
Thanks to Tessa L., Ginn, Christina T., Karen H., and Amanda N., and an extra big and bloody thanks to Laura of Mamma Jamma Cakes, the baker of the most explicitly realistic birth cake I've ever had the misfortune of seeing in all its uncensored glory.
Laura actually sent me the cake herself, explaining that even though she managed to gross herself out with it, she's still especially proud of the "skin tone and blemishes." If your morbid curiosity is compelling you to see the full, uncensored version - and I know it is - then you can see it HERE. (EXTREMELY NSFW. You have been warned!)
Reader Comments (199)
Oh God....cake number 5.....
The non-US cake is EXTREMELY funny in Danish (and Denmark, in general)
The word "Moderkage" means "placenta", but can be literally translated as "Mother cake" - a really great pun (or a really bad one, depending on taste)
It's from a satirical radio show, made for one of the hosts when she went on maternity leave. Yes, this is considered "a good sense of humour" in Denmark - the radio show is on national, statefunded radio and the uncensored image of the cake is on their Facebook page :D
Perhaps some graphic-vasectomy cakes might quell the rise in
the graphic-labor cake rate.
I wish I had enough self-control not to have clicked that link. CAN NOT UN-SEE!
someone explain cheesecake baby please.......?
I'm so glad I wasn't eating when I read this. I might not need breakfast now. UGH!
Okay, so what are cheesecake babies?
Disclaimer: I still have half a gallon of Blue Bell Strawberry Cheesecake ice cream in the freezer, and if I can't eat it after today I will cut you.
oh my god
I feel a little sick. And I didn't even take the link to the other wreck. But I have you to thank, Cake Wrecks, for putting me off cake for a LONG time! This is good for my healthy eating plan. Now can you start a companion blog to put me off cookies?
Anyone else think that the black sprinkles on the lady snowperson giving birth look like ants crawling up her leg and into her...um...yeah.
I want to see ALL the uncensored versions of the cakes! Don´t hold the pubic hair sprinkles from us!
I think that "cheesecake" may refer to vernix, the creamy white protective substance that many babes, especially premature ones, come out covered with. Yum! Uh, not.
Nope... I'm Googling 'cheeecake baby' and it's coming up with recipes for very small cheesecakes and sugar-free cheesecake for babies. I have a mental image and it's not good.......
I WAS eating breakfast while viewing this. And I was teetering on the edge of wanting another baby, thanks for deciding for me.
All I can find for "cheesecake baby" on google is recipes! Are you referring to the vernix caseosa?
Just the title of this post was enough to make me go "Eww"! But still I clicked on.... right through to the very last click. EWW !! Do people fight over who gets the baby piece. Or do they freeze that part and bring it out to celebrate the baby's first birthday?
I have had the joyful experience of giving birth 3 times to 3 wonderful, amazing, brilliant kids. I did not video tape it or have one of those handy dandy mirrors. I didn't want to see what was going on down there. And I definitely wouldn't want to slather icing on it and eat it with a picnic fork. Ew.
*hork*
WHY? Why would someone make that? And why would they think people would want to eat it?
Yugh.
Sung to "Love Story" by Andy Williams, from the movie of the same name (NOT Taylor Swift, who seems like a lovely person, don't get me wrong...)
Where do I begin
to tell the story of the cakes that I have seen?
Of cakes that really once seen cannot be unseen
The simple truth is that cakes shouldn't make you green
Where do I start?
With Olivia's push
Jen became Death, Destoyer of Shower Cake Wombs
Begat Theresa, pubic sprinkles, cheesecake swoons
I won't approach those things with forks or even spoons
Why did they start?
Why did they start with pooling, jammy things?
The censor bars hide oh, so many things
And then I clicked the link above
I know that I was warned, but I'm suggestible
Can anyone think that thing's edible?
Hide behind my hand
But it's still there
How will it all end?
I miss C-section cakes with tiny waving hands
I have no answers but think we must take a stand
That cakes with taste and decorum should always be planned
Or they'll get worse.
I really shouldn't have read this while pregnant. O_o
Don't they, um...SHAVE the moms? I mean, I thought they did. Are the pubic hair sprinkles just artistic license? Or are all of these bakers childless? Oh wait, that would explain a lot...
*Looks at the cherry danish in her hand. Looks at the posted wrecks. Hands cherry danish to the dog and does NOT click on that last link.
Please, bakers. Can we go back to alphabet-blocks and baby booties for shower cakes? Please?
Cheesecake baby could be in reference to a baby born while the mother has a yeast infection. *vomit*
On the bright side, if funding cutbacks ever reach sex ed classes, this post can be the lesson on birth control.
OMG! Why did I click that link! I 've been here long enough I should have known better.
No, I can't say that I have ever "seen the amount of pubic hair sprinkles that I have"...and I don't WANT to see your pubic hair sprinkles, either! [Sorry, John, but that's the way I read it...Your wife's gone off the deep end!]
I am so happy my childbearing years are over so I don't have to worry about having such a cake made in my "honor". The fear of being present when a cake like this should appear is enough to put me off baby showers for life (and possibly wedding showers, given the trend.)
Oh.My.GOD. I am biting my hand to keep from laughing out loud. Tears. Best post EVER.
Baby's a brilliant redhead, mama's a natural brunette. Interesting.
I....will not....click...that last link...
Whew! Didn't do it. So tempted. No. Still did not do it. WILL.NOT.CLICK.LAST.LINK.
OK. Got through that with some cleasing breaths.
And I would hate to have my STOMACH opened to birth my baby, but I gues if you are going to have a gross cake, that "cut" placement is more polite than *way down there*. Right?
Hurry up, Sunday, I need something fabulous to look at!
When I told my mom about the first birthing wreck, she said she'd like that as a subversion of the usual sicky-sweet shower themes. I'm not so sure she'd want these.
Holy crap -- these make me yearn for a plain ol' sheet cake. Barf.
Is there some sort of hypnosis going on here? I knew the last cake would be bad. I had seen enough with your censor bubble. And yet I clicked the link. Why did I click the link?
If I had a time machine, I would use it to go back and NOT CLICK THE LINK!
Pretty sure that a "cheesecake baby" is a baby that is born with a lot of vernix still covering him/her. My daughter was like that- she did sort of look like she had white icing on her when she was born. Eh, whatever. I'm not really grossed out by much, comes from being a biology major, I suppose.
And no - they don't shave women. Why would they? It would just add to the uncomfortableness of recovering from birth. If you want to shave yourself, go for it, but they won't do it for you. Unless you get a c-section, I think. But you want to avoid that if possible.
Jen, I have to say, I love your blog, but I never post....these cakes were disturbing! But that last one was kind of neat.....and disturbing. I'd probably still eat it though. XD I'd just try to get a piece of leg.
Tori, it's 2012. Doctors don't shave moms anymore, or give enemas, or many other things that cause more harm than good. Unless you get a crap doctor. For the Ob related version of this site, visit http://myobsaidwhat.com - I hope you're not too close to your due date...
I. Am. So. Glad. I. Adopted.
I didn't click on the link. My imagination will probably suffice, and if it won't, then I'm good, really.
My baby shower cake had a passport and an airplane on it. I was happy with those.
j
It's not so much that bakers are making these sorts of cakes.. It's that people are actually ASKING for them.
"Yeah.. and sprinkle something to make it look like pubic hair..."
Like I would eat that piece. Sheesh.
I have to say, the first baby shower my mother ever took me to was when I was 15. You can't imagine how happy I am they didn't have something like that last cake floating around at that time.
I clicked the link .............. And I'm well .... Holy crap what would posses a person to actually make a cake of a woman's crotch ... with a baby coming out of??
GREAT post today!! :) :)
Yeah, you must be talking about a baby covered in vernix- it's white and creamy and sticks all over EVERYTHING- stethoscope, whatever you're wearing. It's pretty gross. I'm a med student and have seen my share of births. It's disgusting every.single.time. OBGYN is not in my future. I can't believe anybody thinks it's a good idea to put it on cake! But I guess at least none of these moms were also pooping.
and as for the pubic hair, nope, they don't shave moms. Why would they? it's not really a sterile field. Whatever they come in with is how they look. They do shave the lower abdomen before a c-section, but not really the bikini line.
Wow. Rosemary's Baby Shower.
On the plus side, CCC's look downright tasty now.
From the ever informative Wikipedia:
In Latin vernix means varnish and caseosa means cheesy.
'Nuff said..... EWWWWWWWWWWWW!
That last one looks like the baby's head is on fire. The first is charming compared to these angry, lumpy, shiny, hemhorraging women on cakes. why didn't you censor the blood pool?? blecch!
*gack*
*hork*
*urp*
I think I'll mosey on over to Epbot to distract my mind (and stomach) from this post. *mosies at the speed of light-or at least internet*
Clicked the last link.
Kind of regret clicking the last link, but then I'd be wondering all day, so I did it.
Thought about puking, toughed it out.
I want to second the suggestion of pics available without sensor bars... if we choose to torment ourselves further, why deny us the chance? Then again, I'm not right, so...
WHY, DEAR LORD... WHY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Oh my censor bars.....
on a side note, I keep seeing pregnant torso cakes being pinned on Pinterest, and I'm like, "Really?! You guys must not read Cake Wrecks..."
I looked.
I really, really wish I hadn't.
What a timely post! I just came home after helping my sister go 30 hours through unmedicated labor and watched the baby pop out and an episiotomy occur and a placenta show up and stuff. These cakes sure didn't phase me. I just ate breakfast while looking at them, in fact, even the last one. I think the weirdest/grossest looking part of birth is actually probably the part where the baby hasn't crowned and the head is all squeezed up inside things. Fascinating how that skull changes its shape in tthere. At least these weren't episiotomy cakes, now that would be a little much. :-) hehe