7 More Things That Should Never Be On Cake
May 7, 2012 And now, as a service to our readers' dieting endeavors:
7 MORE Things That Should Never Be On Cake
7. Anything that looks like a spleen
;)
Also, why is the spleen the go-to organ for icky descriptions? You never hear someone say, "Hey, that organesque thing sure looks like a gallbladder!" Which begs the questions: is "organesque" a word? 'Cuz if not, it totally should be.
6. Shrimp
;)
Because shrimp.
5. Nipples
;)
Hey, don't get me wrong; nipples are great. Heck, I even have one myself. But cake should not have nipples. It just shouldn't. And the fact that I had to bring that sentence into the world makes me seriously question the direction this country is going.
4. Ants
Because anything I spend time and money trying to kill should not be something I have to pick off my cake.
3. Actual Feathers Plucked From Actual Birds
;)
Let me get this straight: you jammed real feathers into the icing you expect me to eat?
So how about I fetch a beaver pelt and throw that sucker on there, too? Because if there's one thing we've learned about cake decorating, it's that animal outsides are both appetizing and completely sanitary!
2. Mold
;)
BAKERS WHY DO I EVEN HAVE TO EXPLAIN THIS WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE.
1. Back hair
;)
Actually, this is kind of hilarious.
Assuming those are chocolate shavings, of course.
***
SOMEONE PLEASE TELL ME THOSE ARE CHOCOLATE SHAVINGS.
Thanks to wreckporters Kathryn B., Kerrigan W., Ashlee, Kelly G., Rocky J., Tami F., & Anony M. for the inspiration to just have a salad today.
Reader Comments (111)
um... if thats a MALE figure, he has a better one that me, and how many guys wear frilly pants, i mean REALLY?!?!
and the hairy back, i can picture this "hairy back, *I* said HURRY back, H U R R Y!!! not hairy" dude, that is so WRONG!!!!
Googled Langtostino Tarta images to see if this was an anomaly. It is not. Ick.
[in best Humphrey Bogart voice]
It's the...stuff that dreams are made of...
[regular voice]
ok...make that nightmares...
For anyone who hasn't already satisfied their curiosity about shrimp cakes (and has a strong stomach), here is a link to the Google image search for Tarta Langostinos. Wow.
And why spleens instead of other organs? Because they are so spleenish of course.
After further research, I have found that the Google Translate version of this article/recipe for Prawn Cake is almost as ridiculous as the idea of shrimp cake itself!
The Langostinos or shrimp one is not a cake. It is a quiche. Tarta is what Spaniards call a pie Torta/pastel is a cake. Reading the ingredient list it is clear it is not meant as a dessert. Yes Azucar is listed, but not as a main one and it is clearly part of the dough.
The eggs in the Spanish dish are cooked (boiled.) The salsa is "salsa coctel" or cocktail sauce. Langostinos can be either prawns or something closer to a crayfish. However, the ingredient list also includes "gambas", which are definitely shrimp, with mayonnaise to stick them together and a boatload of preservatives and stabilizers to keep it all fresh and moist. With fluffy yellow pastry it look like spicy prawn salad over Twinkies. Cake? No, thanks.
Ick. The shrimp made me gag, and the hair, feathers, mold... BLECH. As for the nipples...well, they're bad enough, but did the wreckorator have to add the "treasure trail," as well??
As someone pointed out earlier, the shrimp cake is not a sweet cake, but something with mayonaise and stuff. But on the same note, the Swedish actually have a very popular dish which directly translated is called "sandwich cake" (smörgåstårta). Typically it's made with mayonaise, shrimp, salmon and white soft bread. Or, I don't really know, I've never dared to taste since it's such a disgusting concept...
I unfortunately googled the shrimp one.....it's a prawn cake. the inside has crab, tuna pate, pineapple juice, mayo, cocktail sauce, rice, brandy & a cake like "base." i wish i had just left it to my imagination! and that ant cake......who wants to eat piles of poo with bugs on it?! NOT ME!
so, I guess I'm the only one that saw uterus and impregnation in the first cake... I guess I have a fertile imagination
and the last one seems like it's just a pun on "Hurry Back, Tammy"
finally... awesome M&M lyrics.
ONE nipple? I suppose it could be worse, you might have had THREE :-o
Smörgåstårta (sandwich cake) is a well known Swedish delicious cold cut dish which is an all-in giant expensive party sandwich (serves many guests) and NOT related to sweet cakes. Shrimps/prawns are obligatory decorations on the sea food variants. Google image search for delicious images.
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sm%C3%B6rg%C3%A5st%C3%A5rta
https://encrypted.google.com/search?tbm=isch&q=smörgåstårta
Beaver pelt eh?
How about this: "Beaver anal glands, known as castoreum (I guess anal glands was a hard sell), are typically used in vanilla and raspberry flavoring and can legally be labeled natural flavoring"
Oh and a great use for feathers! "L-cysteine or cystine is used a dough conditioner. It’s sometimes made from human hair, but more and more from duck feathers and can be found in breads and baked goods."
http://thinkprogress.org/climate/2011/11/11/366780/industrial-food-system-beaver-glands-human-hair-food/
Please tell me cake 2 has chocolate shavings on it...and not mold.
Cockeyed nipples and a mennorah do not make an appitizing cake!
Those are chocolcate shavings. Even if they aren't.
Ok...back hair...ugh. spleen...double.ugh.
Ok. Now. WARNING: EPCOT FUEL AHEAD
I live in a place where there is a thriving Brazilian community. At parties & gatherings, they serve what looks *exactly* like cake, but is instead Brazilian potato salad layered in between slices of white bread, the "frosted" with mashed potatoes. Occasionally there are shrimp on top.
I do believe the shrimp cake is a variation on that.
And to the above commenter who translated the ingredients "flour, egg, and sugar "...
Bread has sugar, to feed the yeast as it rises. Some breeds have eggs, and all of them are flour of one sort or another.
Appearances aside, its actually quite tasty. Provided you eat the shrimp separately. The potato salad has peas, corn, carrots, potatoes, lemon, mayo. It's my favorite type of potato salad....
ALL CLEAR...EPCOT ATTACK HAS PASSED...now back to your regularly scheduled programming...
Number one is definitely a raw chicken in marinade cake. Makes me want to hurl.
The shrimp cake actually reduced my husband to nonsense noises. WHAT THE HELL?
7. We so often get wrecks depicting little swimmers, it's nice to see the little guys actually reach their destination.
6. I hate to get involved in a Land War in Asia, but does it not say "Huevo Cocido"? Which is a hard boiled egg, no? Hmmm, I think I'll bring some deviled eggs into the bunker.
5. Thank you, thank you, thank you, Craig, for saying it is Gossamer! I will be able to sleep tonight.
4. "...they all go marching down, into the ground, to get out of the rain"
3. *shudder*
2. It reminds me of one of those Wooly Willy toys, but they've forgotten to draw on the face.
1. Hairy Back Tammy is the sister of the boy named Sue.
Maybe Tammy wanted a cake with Carl Brutananadilewski on it!
The SHRIMP CAKE is not a sweet cake. It's a cold appetizer and it's not all that uncommon in Spain. That's where I'm from. Don't get me wrong, if I was unaware of the existance of such dish, I would find it weird too.
Well, this is the culinary lesson for the day.
Adios!
#7- I’ve always been partial to the pancreas, myself.
#6- It’s a savory cake- not a sweet one. That’s my story and I’m sticking to it!! Unless they were gum paste shrimps. That would be awesome since they look so real!
#5- One nipple? Oh, geez, (T.M.I.)2.
#4- I’m more disturbed by the twin mountains that look something like empty eye sockets protruding from I-don’t-know-what than the plastic ants.
#3- What’s the visual equivalent of putting your fingers in your ears and yelling “la la la la la?” I need go do that now.
#2- “Hazmat team to the bakery aisle; hazmat team to the bakery aisle.”
#1- What if this was the back of #5? (horrified shudder)
@SuBee you roch!
@Sharyn “goat chaps” is awesome- I was trying to think of the word “chaps” and couldn’t.
@Naomi having once been a janitor the last comment really, really grossed me out.
Long time reader, first time commenter. Because of the SHRIMP CAKE.
SHRIMP.
HOLY GROSS, I made such a face D:
Mayo is a cake ingredient.
Ever heard of chocolate mayonnaise cake? Growing up, it was our favorite cake recipe (and actually I still love it).
Now try to picture a rich chocolate cake topped with cocktail sauce and shrimp...
So, the one flippin' time I post without reading the comments first and Sharyn writes the most amazingly epic parody. I was gobsmacked. Totally stunned and fabulously, deliriously happy. I didn't have to boot up my iTunes to know she got it right. What? I like Eminem's early stuff. So sue me.
Lady, you are A.MAZE.ING. Simply awesome. :D
I changed my mind: I think the shrimp cake is a traditional, sweet, dessert cake.
You lost me at "shrinp" <gag>. Excuse me...I think I'm gonna hurl!
That didn't look like a spleen. My Dad, a veterinarian, said so. I think it looks like JELLO... Agreed?
Really?!?? Nipples are what you point out on torso cake?!??? NIPPLES??????!?? How about the little poosh of airbrushing in the crotch area to indicate either pubic hair or the scar where his genitals used to be?????!?!!!?!??! Jen, you're slippin girl. Lol
Lol well this made my birthday complete. Glad I waited until now to see them or I would have run when I was to eat some cake. Oh man that first one looks like someone slathered an unknown meat source in barbeque sauce and then just ran off..eek. Poor back hair Tammy..lol no words can express what I feel for the shrimp thing. Since I cannot think of it as a cake.
The shrimp thing is a victim of Spanish spelling confusion. Both tarta and torta are flat baked or unbaked things in layers, either sweet or savory. This one is a nonsweet cheesecake type base with salsa and shrimps. Sounds pretty good as an appetizer, but as dessert ... ew. Unless you happen to be a seal.
You only have ONE nipple? What happened to the other one, John...did it get bitten off by a beaver? http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NKzIJBCkJ2M
Actually, #6 doesn't really count as a "cake wreck". If you read the ingredients (if you can decipher the Spanish, that is), you'll see that this is more like a shrimp version of a 7-layer dip and not a cake.
Well, if you don't want feathers on a cake,do you want candles? A lot of people spit when they blow them out.
At least the nipples are happy
I was going to eat a midnight snack. Now I'm not all that hungry. But I will go to bed humming Eminem. (love it, Sharyn!) Life is full of surprises.
1. I have another one of my sick headaches I nearly threw up when I saw that. ick
2. Looks more like flat brains than shrimp. I am going to get the trash can just in case I do throw up.
3, Wiping mouth with rag, I am glad I got the trash can. I am wondering if I should look at the rest of these. This one is not so bad, but my mind keeps going back to number one and two.
4. The ants look more appetizing than the cake they are crawling around which looks like poop and the whole thing looks discusting.
5. Doesn't peacock feathers come out of the butt? Oh I think I need the trash can again!!!!
6. That one looks like my brother's 6th grade science project. He didn't have one prepared and my mother pulled it out of the fridge and said here, tell your teacher you were growing mold.
7. Sorry, I am not convenced those are chocolate shavings. Looks like someones Dad was shaving on the cake. yuke. uhh trash can again.
I know shrimp looks really weird on a cake, but trust me, it's actually delicious. But on a smörgåstårta (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sm%C3%B6rg%C3%A5st%C3%A5rta) which is not the same thing as a dessert cake. It's more like a huge sandwich with bread, mayonnaise, toppings and more. It's eaten like a meal, not a dessert, but it's sliced as a cake.
'Tarta Langostinos Grande' is to be kept between 0 and 4 degrees C. I hope so. Actually, having puzzled out the ingredients, it doesn't sound all that bad.
Although this would be a fantastic motif for one of those fool-the-palate impostor cakes. [evil grin]
I'll admit I totally thought the shrimp were intestines at first. I'm not sure which is wore actually.
When I first started coming to this website, I enjoyed eating cake. Now I just make it for friends and such.
Other people can enjoy it, because I doubt I ever will again. ;)
Hey- Peacock Feathers are fine IN cake AFTER they've been washed and covered... ON cake, though- is quite another matter, as it means they're unwashed.... *drywretch
I recently made a stunning wild animal themed cake with peacock feathers sticking out the sides :)
The shrimp cake isn't sweet, it's savory, and it probably has a shrimp or fish mousse underneath with some kind of savory sponge cake, then covered with a mayo based sauce (hence, "salsa") and sprinkled with grated egg. It comes from a department store in Spain, "El Corte Inglés", and would only be eaten as a first course or appetizer, never as a dessert. After 17 years in Madrid I can say I have never been offered a slice of shrimpy dessert.
um. (raises hand)
Could we make an addition?
Bellybutton.
Thanks!
*smiles reassuringly*
I'm quite sure those are chocolate shavings. :-)
You have obviously never tried the deliciousness that is sandwich cake (smörgåstårta), something we love in Sweden. Yes, we call it cake, because it is layered like a cake, but it is food, not dessert. Shrimp is pretty much a must on a real smörgåstårta.
oh come now, nipples on a cake can be a big hit, or maybe you just haven't seen it done right.. i'll send you a pic sometime and you can see just how nice nipple on a cake can be.. on another note, what is wrong with these people, just aweful!
Just for the record....gallbladder wouldn't fit for that or any other organesque thing that looks like that because it's green. It doesn't look much like a spleen either but it's close. It definitely looks organesque though....love that word lol :)