This One's for the Girls
March 5, 2009
(ATTENTION MOMS: this post may be mildly inappropriate for young children.)
Alright ladies, it's OUR turn.
That's right: it's time to turn the tables on all those chauvinistic guys who order the boob or butt cakes, rendering the female form as nothing more than an object - and an edible one at that! It's time to ogle the MALE form in cake for once, and show them how it feels! You heard me, gentlemen: prepare... to be objectified!! [rubbing hands together] Heheheh. This is gonna be awesome.
Ok, let's start the show!
First up, ladies, check out this sexy little...
Oh.
["Urp"ing noise]
Sorry, sorry. Uh, yeah, Julie B.? This one's really not doing anything for me. In fact, the neck hump area is kind of grossing me out.
Not to worry, though; there's more where that came from. Next!
Huh.
Um, Donna B., not that I don't appreciate the liberal use of painted-on under-arm hair (and other hair which I was kind enough to cover - you're welcome) and the whole "good luck on your wedding night" sentiment, but again, this is really having more of the opposite effect on me. Maybe it has something to do with the fact that it looks like the chest of a pasty-white prepubescent.
Ohhhkay. Now I just creeped myself out, looking at this. [averting eyes] Next! NEXT!!
[gagging] Rapidly. Losing. Appetite.
By the way, Amanda E., not that I'm complaining, but I don't think he has any nipples. Again, NOT complaining. Really. *hurk*
Oh, look: Tam & Annabel found Mr. Heard-it-through-the-grapevine's bottom half, and it begs the question...
Is acupuncture ever a good package deal? Just wondering.
Ok, this is ridiculous. I don't feel like we've objectified any guys at all with these cakes! Sarah W., you're our last hope. Bring it, sistah.
Aaaugh!! My eyes! My seared, bleeding eyes!
What this headless, neckless, armless, and legless torso lacks in limbs it certainly makes up for with day-glo orange streakiness. Not to mention that it exudes a kind of sinister intelligence: I swear it's looking at me.
In fact, here's a hypothetical for y'all: You get up in the middle of the night, and turn suddenly to find this cake hopping along behind you. Do you:
a) scream b) laugh c) grab a fork or d) all of the above?
[sigh] Well, ladies, I'm sorry: our quest to objectify men using cakes has failed. But on the bright side, we'll always have Tom Selleck - right?
Reader Comments (146)
so the bulge in the yellow pants reminds me of dodgeball when ben stiller's character pumps himself up for his wife's character to come in the room.. and then deflats it when she leaves...
Wow - hard to believe these were done by pros. Makes the one torso cake I was forced to decorate several years ago look attractive by comparison, and I'm just a home baker.
The torso cake I was asked for was Stone Cold Steve Austin -- http://www.slycreations.com/cakes/41ab.jpg
Stick not worth objectifying, but better than the flaming orange headless torso!
Oh dear heaven.
I seriously will not be able to scrape those images off my brain.
And are all those names on the, um, corpse cake supposed to be Levon's boyfriends? All the guys I've loved before?
Gad. Poor Levon. With friends like those ...
The last cake looks like it would hop after me claiming "It's merely a flesh wound!"
Even more torso jokes:
What do you call a man with no arms and no legs in the leaves?
Russell
What do you call 2 men with no arms and no legs on either side of a window?
Curt and Rod
What do you call a man with no arms and no legs in from of the door?
Matt
Oh good Lord, I don't think I could ever eat a cake with nipples. What would you do if you got a nip piece? Scrape it off? Eat it? It makes me a little queasy just thinking about it.
Steph in CA
what i find veryyy interesting is tha mr yellow boxers( next to last)
is for eamon, another guy!
Er...are those four sparklers on Eamon's cake? Maybe those stand for decades, and the candles for years--in which case Eamon is 48. Which is a lot better than 8.
(Or maybe the sparklers are there to set off fire alarms so that no one has to see the actual cake at the party...)
And I think that first one is a loaf pan cake...similar to a CCC, only...er...bigger.
DEEPLY DEEPLY DISTURBING!!! i was asked recently to make cupcakes of the male sexual organ kind. i had to say "no... but i can make some rated G pretty little cupcakes!"
at first I read left to right instead of pec to pec and was puzzled over "so so many little men time"
My daughter thought the first one looked like a spider!!!!
After seeing that, I don't mind so much being objectified by a cake anymore.
Ok, I see naked bodies every day at work. And NONE of them have ever looked as bad as these cakes.
I was in the middle of having breakfast when I was looking at this posting, and it literally lost my appetite. Well, that's a good way for diet control.
Are you sure the third cake is a torso? Because I'm pretty sure it's balls.
Just sayin'.
WHY would anyone want a cake of body parts?! I can kind of understand a goofy bachelorette cake MAYBE, but ultimately they're all just CREEPY!!!
it almost scares me how you never run out of material for this blog! haha But ultimately, it really just makes me happy.
Was that a twinkie in the yellow shorts
Hehe...my 2 year old insisted on seeing the cakes & exclaimed..."eyes! eyes!" when he saw the torsos.
Not sure if he meant: "Argh! My eyes!" or "Oh my - those cakes are so wrecktastic that the mishappen nipples look like eyes!" but either way I think he was right.
I guess the only thing worse would be to have a male torso made out of the dreaded cupcake cake design... can't get any lumpier then that!
Hahahahahahahahah, hahahahahahahahahahahaahahahahahahahahahahhahahahahahahahahah, hahahahahahahahahahahah. Whew. Ha,Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahah. Hum. What a hilarious delivery in whipping us through those cakes. Priceless. Thank you!
LOL! My 4-year-old just looked over my shoulder at the third one and said "is that an elephant, Mummy?" I said yes! :-D
Kei
OH. MY. WORD!!!!
I was laughing so hard that my son thought there was something wrong. I have to share this one!
You forgot to include (d)Bash it into a squashed mess with the nearest heavy object, and get out the Shop Vac.
Those are all. so. gross.
About the last wreck, my 3-yo son saw it and cracked up, saying "It's an alien apple!"
Scream & grab the fork, the better to defend myself. Somewhere there's a really evil baker who knows where I live; I will need all the cutlery I can get my hands on! And possibly a flame thrower. & A change of address.
i want to be invited to these male-torso-cake birthdays/bachelorette parties/whatever. just to see what happens when it's time for someone to eat a piece with a nipple on it...or hair...or crotch bulge.
would they pick the nipple off, or eat it? oh man, inquiring minds want to know
We've always known that porn is more of a dude turn-on than a gal thing.
Now we have conclusive proof that the same holds true for cakewrecks. I might even be able to stick to a diet if confronted by these disasterpieces.
Science takes another great leap forward!
hahaha! reminds me of the family guy episode where peter went to pick out a cake for stewie's birthday and said something about an Al Roker cake with Hershey Kiss nipples....hahaha
For my 50th, a friends mother made me a real MAN cake. Gorgeous guy, with a fig leaf covered in fruit and when the leaf and fruit were removed.... OH MY! Real anatomically correct man-bits.
Unfortunately, it was Tom Cruise when I had requested Tom Selleck... and the manly bits were dark chocolate.
I should have asked for Seal I think.
Or a frilly toilet paper doll cake.
What's under the cake shorts. You don't want to know. You complain about lack of realism, but be careful about what you wish for.
see Bachelorette cupcakes at:
http://www.flickr.com/photos/debbiedoescakesnet/2900411468/
Do you really want to know what is under those shorts? Do you really want better realism in these cakes?
Be careful what you ask for.
See Bachelorette cupcakes at:
http://www.flickr.com/photos/debbiedoescakesnet/2900411468/
It weirds me out that the arms are as wide as the chest on the first one.
Another great post! I laugh at your posts every day.
I've nominated you for an award on my blog.
That last torso with the crazy nipples... it reminds me of Terry Gilliam's bizarre animated characters on Monty Python. I'd almost say it's a tribute!
-Euan
Jen, I think you've shocked a couple of your readers with this incontrovertible evidence that some men like to look at naked male torsos.* Innocence lost, all due to Cake Wrecks.
BTW, my word verification is mitypit. Hail the mitypit! Let's portray it on a cake, with its mity mitypit hair!
And even better: I used an unacceptable HTML tag, so had to remove it and enter another WV, and it was angsts! That one is WAY too easy to use in a Cake Wrecks-related sentence!
*Or used to. These cakes qualify as aversion therapy.
Ok, these did abolutely NOTHING for me!! lol
Well, crap. That last one was freaky. Screw the fork, I'd tear it up with my bare hands!!!
Your writing style is HILARIOUS!! As if the cakes weren't funny enough!
Thought this site might cheer you up LOL..... look at the cakes down the left side, you'll see ONE, yes, just ONE of a decent man cake. :) http://www.partypop.com/Vendors/4131577.htm
Ha! I work for the company that the last cake was at. (We're an underwear company, Skiviez, and it was the boss's birthday.) He seemed to really like the cake.
I think the instructions were "underwear cake," so I was a bit surprised/appalled that the baker elected to make it, um, so vertical.
Trust me, an even more horrifying sight was coming in the Monday after the party and seeing that someone had left this half hacked-into torso sitting on the warehouse sorting table!
You know what's possibly the craziest part? The 'Happy Birthday Eamon' cake looks like it was the birthday cake for Eamon Sullivan (Australian Olympic gold medallist swimmer). He's the face of Davenport along with Stephanie Rice, and those daks sure do appear to say 'Davenport' on the waistband...
You'd think that being all rich and famous and shit, that they'd probably think to give him a cake less wrecky!!
Seriously, this post should probably have been called "This One's For the Boys." I'd guess the minority of those cakes were made for women.
Oh, my... does the last one have life savers for nipples?
Do any of you guys every watch cake boss. They make some amazing cakes on that show. Absolutely amazing
[SCREAMS!] Eeeeewwwww!
You guys have made my niece and I's night... We are practically peeing on ourselves from the laughter!!!!!! HYSTERICAL!!!!