Inspiration vs Perspiration

I know this post is going to test the limits of my credibility with you, faithful Cake Wrecks readers, so here is the originating site, provided by Summer from TX, to prove I am not making this up.

First, the inspiration:

Which isn't bad, I guess, if you've got a Brave Heart kind of vibe going for your wedding. Certainly it's executed well.

Anyway, here is what the paid, "professional" baker provided:

Erm.

[glancing between the two photos]

It’s like seeing double, isn’t it? I mean, sure, the second one is collapsed in on itself, slumped over to one side, and channeling a bit more Bob Marley than William Wallace, but besides all that I’d say the decorator was bang on, wouldn’t you? Ok, ok, if you wanted to get picky about it, I guess that crack in the bottom – the one you can see the cake through? – that probably should have been iced over. Oh, and the red stripe might look a little nicer if it were one continuous line – or for that matter, if the line were straight. (Perhaps a little too much Red Stripe was consumed before icing the red stripe, eh? Eh? Come on, that was freakin’ hilarious, people: Bob Marley? Jamaican beer? Booya!)

Come to think of it, maybe that mass of squiggles in the mid section isn’t the best example of plaid I’ve ever seen, either. [tilting head to one side] Huh. Yeah. Ok, Summer, you got me: I can sort of see why the bride sued.

I Think I Just Lost My Appetite

People, I’ve seen some bad cakes in my time, alright? Poor execution, bizarre subject matter, awful color choices - you name it. Still, nothing has ever made this baked-goods-addict put down her fork until today.

This looks like something the baker found moldering in an old shower, covered with fuzz. It's shiny, but lumpy. The brown and bile-green meld together just a little too organically - and is that a spot of acid yellow I see under the pile of green in the upper left corner? Speaking of which, what is that green stringy crap supposed to be? It’s just randomly plopped on in disgusting wriggly masses....

[averting eyes and taking deep breaths]

Urk. Ok, sorry - back to the commentary...

And that texture: short of applying the icing with a brillo pad, I don’t know how one would achieve such a pitted, uneven surface. Was there a shortage of spatulas? Of icing? Of people who can see colors? Sure, I get that this is supposed to be camouflage, but do the personnel at toxic waste dumps even wear camouflage?