Gorilla Tactics

Customer: "Hi, there. I'd like a cake that looks something like this:

...Can you do that?"

Wreckerator: "Oh sure! We do these all the time. You want some sprinkles on it? Might add a little something!"

Customer: "Er, no."

Wreckerator: Okey-doke-aroony! [folds arms and nods head, Jeannie-style]

::Doink!::

Customer [recoiling in horror]: Holy Schnikes! What is that?

Wreckerator: Not quite perfect? Here, I'll try again.

::Doink!::

Customer: Um. Maybe this was a bad idea...

Wreckerator: No! Wait! I can do this!

::Doink::

Customer: I'm pretty sure that's a pig...

::Doink!::

Customer: Riiight. Well, I think we're done here...

Wreckerator: Wait! Forget the monkey! [shuffling photos] How about these lovely palm trees?

Customer: Well, I really wanted the monkey...

Wreckerator: [straining]

::KER-DOINK!::

Customer: You know, I think I'll just grab a box of cake mix and can of frosting instead.

Thanks to Tiffany, Jenelle R., Sam L., Sabra L., and Trish S., who are all cheeky monkeys, because I say so.

A Marriage in Idle

Welcome back...to...A Marriage In Idle.

Our first contestant Susan has dreams of flying high, but does she have more than a wing and a prayer? Let's find out.

"Hi, my name is Susan, and I'm going to do Wind Beneath My Wings:"

Darla: "Ok, Sweetie, go ahead."

Susan: [cracking knuckles] "Alright. Here goes."

Darla: "Um... Ok! Randall? What do you think?"

Randall: "I dunno, dawg. I mean, it was really pitchy there in the middle, you know, when it almost fell over? And you just didn't go high enough. Sorry."

Darla: "I have to agree with Randall. When I look at you, I see JOY. But I just don't taste the joy. What? Nigel, why are you always laughing at me?"

Nigel: [eye roll] "Look, Susan, I simply don't know what to say to you. It was complete and utter crap. Oh, hey, I guess I did know what to say."

Next up is Michael, who hopes his rendition of Under the Sea won't leave the judges all wet.

[voice cracking] "Hi, I'm Michael, and I'm going to do Under the Sea.

Um. Should I just start?"

Nigel: "YES, Michael. While the sun's still up, if you please."

"Oh, Ok."

Nigel: [head in hands] "Oh, Michael. Michael, Michael, Michael."

"Uh. Yes, Nigel?"

"THAT, Michael, was completely -and I mean this in all seriousness - completely and irrevocably the worst thing I have ever seen created in five years. It was a nightmare. A total nightmare."

Randall: "Yeah, sorry, dawg."

Darla: "Maybe next year. Don't lose that sparkle!"

Can our next contestant Kelli win the judges over, or will her wreck get in the way?

"Hi there! I'm Kelli, and I'm going to do The Words Get in the Way."

Randall: [sucking air through teeth] "Oooh. Wow. I'm sorry, dawg, but that was not good. What do you think, Darla?"

Darla: "There's something very special about you, Kelli. A kind of hazy...colorful...haze. Yeah. In fact, I think...I think I love you. OW! Nigel, what was that for?"

Nigel: "Darla, don't make me take away your sippy cup again."

Kelli: "Um...so...does that mean I win?"

Nigel: "Kelli, there aren't enough words in the English language to adequately describe how terrible that was. Looking at your cake is like having my eyes plucked out, wrapped in burlap, and beaten with a cactus. I'm actually nauseated. You disgust me."

Kelli: "So...no?"

Wow, it's been a rough night for our wreckerators. Will Billy, our final contestant of the night, turn things around?

"My name's Billy, and I'm gonna rock your worlds with Pretty Pink Ribbons, by Cake."

Randall: "Wow. Nice choice."

Billy: "Yes, sir. Prepare to be amazed."

Darla: "WHAT IN THE H...[falling out of chair]...oooph!"

Randall: "Sorry, Darla. Here, have your sippy cup."

Darla: [from floor] "Bad! Baaaad!!"

Randall: "Yeah, I gotta say, dawg, that is pretty heinous. Nigel?"

Nigel: "I rather like it."

Jenna C., Josee, Diana B., & Katie C., I'd say your wedding wrecks and a snarky British judge are a match made in heaven.