Ties That Blind

Father's Day has come and gone once again, but it left its legacy behind in our nation's bakeries:

Specifically, a legacy of not knowing what the heck a necktie looks like.

I prefer to think of this as the Dark Crystal being picked up by The Claw.

Remember that old schoolyard insult, "Is that your face, or did your neck throw up?"

I'd like to amend that to "...or did your necktie throw up?"

Ewww. It's even filling the shirt pocket. [shudder]

At first I was all excited that this next baker got it right, but then...

Hey, waaaaait a minute...

Eventually the Corporate Cheeses realized the humble necktie was vastly beyond most bakers' skill set, so they helpfully shipped out a bunch of plastic ones bakers could just stick on a shirt cake.

This solved the problem completely.

And by "completely," I mean, "how ELSE would we know what this cake is supposed to be?"

Seriously. Take away the plastic tie and you've got Envelope Man with Smurf measles. But put the plastic tie ON and you've got...um...

Daddy? Is that you?

Call me old-fashioned*, but I still like the old way better; no plastic, no cheating, just an underpaid yahoo, his piping bag, and a pearl necklace/tie combo for the ages:

(I'm guessing they added the tie after Mother's Day.)

Thanks to Anony M., Camille L., Jessica J., Heather M., Yolan, & Lelia C. for reminding me that bow ties are way cooler.

*'Cuz I'm all about muddling dissolved sugar with bitters and adding whiskey with a twist of citrus rind. Aww yeeeah.

Great Expectations

It's been a while since we compared the pictures in the order book to what you actually get from a bakery, so let's mosey on through those rose gardens of hope into the harsh, sweat-stained armpits of reality, shall we?

What you order:

What you get:

What, no toy? I'd say you got burned, Gabe, but it looks more like you got ketchup-smeared.

(Ketchupped?)

What you order:

What you get:

I've seen worse.

What you order:

What you get:

This is worse.

Ever wonder what happens when the cake you want requires airbrushing, and the bakery doesn't have an airbrush?

What you order:

What you get:

And they said you'd never use those finger-painting skills in "the real world." Ha! Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to check on my paper cup Lima bean garden...

What you order:

What you get:

Let's just hope it's not contagious.

Thanks to Adina W., Koutny L., Desiree B., Jill W., & Shelly R. for helping inspire my new band name: El Festering Pustulés. It really POPS, don't you think?

(Fun fact: Shelly R. paid $80 for that Dora cake. Eighty. Dollars.)