The REST of the Story

"Welcome to the K. Krex Evaluation Center! Please have a seat, and we'll begin the exam.

[consulting clipboard] "Ok, let's start by having you cover your left eye and spell out the top line here."

"Uhhh.... M. d. W. 2. K. 1. O?"

"Perfect. Now go ahead and read me the bottom word here."

"Oh man, that's tough. Um...matheridby?"

"Good, good. Now, please cover your right eye and spell out the letters on the bottom line here."

"N... O... T.. T.. P.. P.. L.. B.. S.. S.. S.. S.. L?"

[writing on clipboard] "Mmmhmm. Now, kindly read this for me:"

{squinting} "Uhhh.... Is that even English?"

"Excellent. Moving on, now I'm going to change the lenses over your eye. Tell me which is more in focus:

"Number one...

"...or number two?"

"Gosh, I don't know. They look about the same."

"I see. Ok, for our final test, let's have you put on these glasses and try reading these:"

"Happy....Bir....um... I have no idea what that says."

"And I'd rather not say that one out loud."

"Oh! That's the artist formerly known as Prince, right?"

"Well done. And congratulations - you're hired! Here are your apron and piping bags, and you can pick up your spools of ribbon and plastic flotsam in the morning. Now, go make us proud!

"And a bunch of cupcake cakes."

Thanks to Brandon D., Rosie, Melissa M., Becky, Rebecca M., Sara B., Judy R., Abby M., and Grace N. for the eye-openers.

The Day the Earth Wouldn't Stand Still

Yesterday the United States of America suffered one of its darkest hours, in what is already being called "The Great Richmond Earthquake Of 2011." During the crisis, literally billions of unsuspecting East Coast citizens were mercilessly and violently wiggled for an agonizing duration of nearly 25 seconds.

Already, hospitals have admitted hundreds of thousands of injured office workers complaining of whiplash. Said one local executive assistant, "That's covered under worker's comp, right? OW! My KNEE! I mean... MY NECK!!"

Damage reports are still coming in, but since this is America, preliminary estimates are topping 7 trillion dollars.

Hardest hit, however, were our nation's bakeries.

Yes, tragically, the quake caused baked goods to slide off boards...

 

...wedding cakes to collapse in on themselves:

 

...and cupcakes to receive a really thorough "jostling:"

In addition, many areas had entire bottles of sprinkles tip over, crushing everything below in a rainbow hued shower of stale crunchiness.

There were also similar disasters with the food coloring:

But amidst all this tragedy, a few shining rays of light emerge.

Heroically, some wreckerators refused to seek shelter, choosing instead to continue their work:

This kind of sacrifice might be called selfless. Valiant, even.

We caught up with one anonymous hero in the Richmond, Virginia Shop-A-Lot to ask how she did it.

"Well, I just kept squeezing on that icing tube, and squeezing, and squeezing, and tried to stay on my feet, you know?"

When asked if the earthquake frightened her, the baker responded,

"Earthquake? What earthquake?"


An attitude worthy of a local hero.

Thanks to field wreckporters Seanna B., Rachel O., Kelsey, Yello, Carissa B., Lara A., and Kristi M. for their in-depth coverage today.

[Editor's note: Upon further investigation it appears all of today's "earthquake cakes" were in fact made last week, and the baker quoted was asleep on her lunch break during the quake. CW regrets the error.]