Valentine's "Winners"

Hey, it's Valentine's Day!! May the sugar-coated cuteness and commercially-driven materialistic declarations of affection begin!

Just don't get your cutie-patootie any of these:

Sure, it looks like an internal organ: just not the right one.

These could lead to a lot of fun "what's that supposed to mean?" conversations:

Uh, your love kills me?

You make my heart unravel?

And this one is a bit desperate for my taste:

Here's a great one to give your SO in mixed company:

I don't know about you guys, but when I refer to myself in the third person in conversations with John (which is especially fun at parties), I usually prefer the designations "baby" and "your lover".

"Baby, your lover would like you to take the trash out."
"Baby, your lover is going to the store."
"Baby, your lover gets the not-so-subtle hint from your Valentine's present..."

"...but your lover has a headache." (cue "Broken Arrow" by Rod Stewart)

Now, these cake/cookie things may suffer from the whole bum-crack affliction:

...but they still look way more appetizing than these:

Hey, it's the ABC gum cake!

(For those of you who don't remember kindergarten, ABC = "Already Been Chewed".)

Gabrielle H., Maya C., Anne M., Kandace H., Michael H., & Ben O., John's lover thanks you.

Every Breath You Take...

This was ordered by a medical center to celebrate their Certified Registered Nurse Anesthetists (CRNAs, see?). The bakery no doubt felt very clever outfitting the nurses with giant mallets in addition to the needles ("the better to knock you out with, my dear"), but when you couple those with the stalker-ific inscription:

"Every heartbeat...
Every breath...
Every second...
We'll be watching."

...the creepiness factor pretty much goes off the hilarity scale.

Submitter Anony M. would also like me to point out the giant crack down the middle where the two cakes were cemented together, the black and yellow icing bleeding into each other, and the fact that this cost $150. That may all be true, Anony, but in my mind any cake that lets me reference old Police songs is well worth someone else's hard-earned money.