Creepy Clowns vs Creepy Boobs: We Report, YOU DECIDE

Fun Fact: I can't stand horror movies, but I love - LOOOOVE - creepy cakes.

I'm not talking intentionally creepy stuff, like zombies or gore or "Baby Bump" cakes - no, I mean the ones that a baker finished, looked at, and thought, "Yeah, that's pretty cute."

I'm told this is some kind of clown.

I'm also told that a Hitler joke here will "get us in so much trouble are you freaking kidding me babe NOOOO." So never mind.

Kids can be creepy enough* as it is, bakers, so please, STOP HELPING:

[*True Story: One time John and I were meeting with a fan at a busy restaurant, and the table next to us parked their stroller - which had a beautiful little boy in it - right across from me. The toddler had ice blue eyes and a slack, deadpan expression, and proceeded to stare at me. The entire. Time. Then John and the reader left to get drinks, leaving me alone with Baby Demon Eyes, and I kept trying not to notice, but every time I glanced over he was STILL STARING, like he was trying to mind-control me into stealing everyone's souls and/or chocolate, and his parents were totally oblivious, and I started to freak out, and long story short, I only have a few dozen more hours of community service to go.]

Animal Safari Cake Claims Latest Victim:

Quick! Somebody throw the baby a rope! Unless he won't stop staring at you!

Speaking of staring:

Dang, Woody. You creepy.

But even that plastic menace is about to be eclipsed by the funky cake bazoongas of one not-quite-life-sized Dolly Parton cake:

I worry about her structural integrity, you guys. Like, she could topple over any second and smother you with her cakey fun bags. Which I guess is kind of like real life? Only more awkward, because in real life you probably wouldn't ever have to lick off Dolly Parton's boob smears, and wow did that go somewhere I didn't want to go fast.

[side eye]

[awkwardly sidles out of the room]

Thanks to Nisha T., Niki R., Paula, Tenley H., & Summer S., who agree we should all stop thinking about licking Dolly Parton's boobs now. Stop it. Stop it. STOP IT.

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A Womb With A View

Sure, torso cakes are kind of freaky, and eating cake babies can be off-putting, but what else is there for the baby shower hostess who wants to creep out her guests under the guise of serving a scrumptious treat? Is there nothing new under the Wrecky sun?

(Hah, like you don't know the answer to that.)

Presenting...the sonogram cake!

Thank you, edible image printing and 3D ultrasound imaging! Who knew two technologies could come together to create something so deliciously horrifying?

Now, don't get me wrong: I appreciate that sonograms allow moms to get an advance viewing of their little bun in the oven - I do. And most of these cakes are actually really well made, too. But let's face it: these new 3D sonograms look like they were directed by M. Night Shyamalan.

Look into the hollow eye sockets of this shadowy visage and tell me the truth...

...are you feeling hungry?

And check out the contrast on this one: it's all sweet pastel ribbons & bows, but with a doorway into the Twilight Zone:

That bear's face says it all: "What kind of filling did you use?!?"

Compared to these, the more traditional sonograms look positively cuddly. They still make for some Wrecktastic cakes, though:

Hmm. What do you suppose it really is, Hannah M.?

And if you think that airbrushing is bad, check this out:

I think that's supposed to be a side view of the mom's torso, which makes her...a headless nudist with a skin condition? Mmm, tasty.

And you know it didn't take long for someone to combine these two ideas:

"Hey, y'all! Come check out this black & white TV lodged in my belly!"

Thanks to Wreckporters Kathleen E., Connie P., Thomas S., & Summer R.!

*****

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