Santa Auditions

"Thank you all for coming to the Punxsutawney Mall Santa Auditions! We're here to find a special Santa 'stand-in' [winkwink] to take pictures with the kids this weekend. So, let's bring you in one by one, and have you give us your very best Santa greeting! Ok? Ok!

"First contestant, you're up!"

"ARR! Marrrrry Christmas, ye landlubbers!"

"Um...sorry, but I think we're looking for someone just a little more traditional. Next, please!"

"Bark! Bark bark bark bark!!"

"I'm confused. Are you a dog or a seal?"

"Not really sure, love, but look! I can throw things in the air!"

"Next!"

"Merry frickin' Christmas."

"Oh, my, is that really a proper Santa attitude?"

"Lady, quit screaming. Santa's head is KILLING him."

"NEXT!!"

"How much for the women?"

"NEXT!!"

[growling]

"Ohhh kaaaay. I'm going to back away slowly now.

"Well, that's everyone, so I guess we'll just have to go with Mrs. Claus again this year. That ok with you, Mrs. Claus?

"Mrs. Claus?"

[ .... ]

"Look, I know you're great with the kids, but maybe you could consider, you know, talking once in a while."

[ .... ]

"Or blinking."

Thanks to Nick K., Michelle C., Laura C., Kim P., Sarah M., & Katie C. for the Silent Fright.

This Is Why You Always Knock

Remember that time when you were six and you accidentally opened the bathroom door without knocking first and then you saw your grandmother naked and there was lots of screaming and then you whimpered yourself to sleep for the next few weeks?

This is kind of like that.

Now I know what you're thinking: "That looks a little like 'Merry Ghristmas.'"

You're right, and we've trained you well.

However.

There are a few other things worth noting:

Like the empty bottle of XXX booze.

Or the little sack of "toys."

Or Santa rubbing Rudolph's hoof.

Or Rudolph splayed drunkenly across the bed with a towel covering his twigs and berries. His bells and clapper. His partridge in a pear tree? His one horse open sleigh. His...ok, you get the idea.

Or - in case you missed it - Santa rubbing Rudolph's hoof.

Or the fact that Rudolph CLEARLY had a cigarette in his mouth that has since been removed.

Now, originally John and I tried to write some dialogue for this scene, but then the word "coitus" came up and I knew we just couldn't do it, so to speak. So I leave it to you, my sweet, snarky wrecktators: Write us your best caption for this scene and we'll send our top three favorites a signed copy of Wreck The Halls for Christmas. Good luck, and do try to keep it "clean." ;)

Thanks to Lisa D., who will never be able to look my grandmother Santa in the eye again.

Update!  After reading through more than 500 comments, I am now thoroughly uncomfortable.  And I think I need a shower.  Here are the winners:

"And that was when Santa realized that he should probably stop taking his work home with him."
-elliespen 

"Santa's 2012 presidential hopes dashed as secret 'reindeer games' are uncovered. 'It was all consensual,' claims Santa."
-Missy

"Um, Santa? I fly everywhere. So I'm thinking this hoof rubbing is more for your enjoyment than mine?"
-Donia 

Congrats to our winners and thanks for playing!