The Long And Short Of It
March 27, 2017 [WARNING: It's been far too long since I told you to hide the kids, right? Well, today's the day, peeps. No kids or bosses beyond this point, unless you enjoy awkward conversations. :D]
You know those commercials where you can't figure out what they're trying to sell? Like, okay, there's a woman playing cello in a tree fort - is that a perfume, a drug, a new protein bar, what?
I love those.
Here, lemme try one on you guys - buzz in when you guess it.
[Somber Narrator Voice] Life.
;)
Life can get you down.
The never-ending rat race...
;)
Pressures at home...
;)
Sometimes it feels like you'll just never stack up.
;)
UNTIL NOW.
Because now there's Sure Nova!
[peppy music starts up]
;)
Sure Nova will restore your confidence.
;)
Sure Nova makes you stand tall!
Whether you're hard at work:
;)
Or clowning around with the boys:
;)
Sure Nova can give you the life you've always wanted.
;)
Don't wait.
;)
Go for the sure thing.
Go for Sure Nova.
Small Print announcer voice: "Sure Nova may cause hair loss, weight gain, and excessively itchy toes. Do not use Sure Nova while driving, swimming, or lactating. Sure Nova is not responsible for your unrequited love triangles. Do not taunt Sure Nova. Improper use of Sure Nova may result in hysteria, mega Youtube hits, and a tie-dyed Fraggle penis.
;)
"Which isn't our fault, either."
"SURE NOVA: Live life, grab life, make life."
Thanks to Robun B., Leigh E., Tharr, Anony M., Amber C., Jodee R., Megan, Dennis K., Erin, Alison, & K.R. for the first intentional wang cake to make me question whether or not it's actually supposed to be a wang. I mean, that could be a fuzzy gavel. Or yarn pom-poms on a tiny thigh-high boot. Or a giant clown nose. All things to keep in mind when your boss asks why there's coffee all over your keyboard. [evil grin]
*****
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Reader Comments (41)
You forgot to add; "A minor case of death" to the list of side effects. (If you listen to those warnings, you'd NEVER take that medication.)
Fatal events have been known to occur...
woooah, that clown cake is totally on another level. like another plane of existence, even.
That's the first time I've seen a sperm with eyelashes and nostrils. But what does the cake say?
The last image was a bit confounding to me; but I thought about it, long, and hard...and I think that the "real" cake was sent to the wrong person. I think what's up there are: a colorful, rubber bone for a dog, and two yarn balls for the two cats that I want the people to have so as to make SOME semblance of sense out of this insanity. =^-.-^=
OK, I'm not seeing it for the first one. I'm not really seeing ANYTHING for the first one. The white icing, scrollwork and pastel/gray flowers and butterflies lead me to suspect it's a wedding wreck, but the only thing I can think of is that the wreckerator dueled it to the pain. "Dear God, WHAT IS THAT THING?" (The "things" on the other cakes are pretty obvious.)
The carrot, apple, and butterfly cakes don't look like wrecks to me. Even the clown cake is only vaguely creepy. But you sure threw me for a loop with "tie-dyed Fraggle penis."
WHAT is that cake in the fourth box? Lots of baby stuff around it, but it resembles nothing so much as a loaf of bread with a black belt in karate.
Bwahahahahahahahahahahaha that sounds EXACTLY like the drug ads XD if you listen to the side effects, you would never take the pill unless you HAD to. XD XD
That dead-clowns cake is going to stay with me for far too long, I'm afraid. What *was* that?
Bwahahahahaheeheeheesnortteehee!
Okay, amused by the fabulously WOE (What or occasionally Why On Earth) cakes , although I actually liked the apple weight loss cake.
Then the Fraggle made me fall off my chair.
thank you for giving me a mental image that will help me dementedly giggle my way through a tough week.
The creepy clowns in creepy caves will give me nightmares for a week. Lady Anne, I think the fourth one was a cigar. That's what I deduced from all of the baby-related flotsam around it.
Gah!!!!! You cannot unsee that kreepy klown kake. Impossible. And what the heck is the first cake????
Zeenia - it says "Here lies Mae West, come up and see her sometime".
And I kind of love it. The ghost has a certain come hither vibe.
I can't help but like the carrot and apple cakes as well.
The clown cake just creeps me right on out.
I think the 4th box is supposed to be a cigar.
That last one made me take my glasses off and do a double take. Wtf was that?
I know what people mean now when they say, "She was struck speechless."
And I'm pretty sure that, in the 40 years I've been alive, that has NEVER happened.
i really like the modesty leaf the carrot wangs are wearing. very classy.
First thing I saw in the carrot cake was a Nike logo. Which goes with rat race, so hold your laughter.
And I'd also like to ask, "What is #1 supposed to be?" Ugly, but also formless? If so, bravo!
Thanks for the warning -- those clowns are horrifying!
What about anal leakage. There is always anal leakage in the warnings.
"Do not taunt Nova Sure." HA! Love it. It reminds me of the old SNL commercial for the Amazin' Lazer and it's warnings. "On second thought, don't buy the Amazin' Lazer."
I don't understand the first one. Is that a front-facing shot? Top-view? Is the cake upside-down? What is HAPPENING???
If your spherical objects are mouldy and hairy, and your oblong object is bruised so badly it looks like a mutant MLP, go directly to the ER, do not pass go, do NOT stop to eat cake!
Okay, the first one is obviously a microwaved peep(do not try this at home, use the microwave at work since it's already gross), the fourth is a bacon wrapped meatloaf and six & nine take D Cell batteries. The only thing that confuses me (other than three) is why is the top tier ice cave clown still smiling after someone broke his neck? Also in movies when a killer twists someone s head around it makes a crunchy snapping noise. What sound does a frosting neck make? I need to go take my meds now...
What was that orange cake meant to be? The one just after the dead clowns. 🤡
That first cake - the topsy turvy wedding cake - EGAD! That's horrific. I didn't see a wang in that, but definitely a p***ed off bride.
The clown cake -- hell to the no -- and who pics "nude" as a frosting color? Come on?!
But the last one? Dan should see a doctor ASAP. Eek!
Dear god, what is that thing??
I recognize this cake:http://www.cakewrecks.com/storage/tharr.ow.uglymystery.jpg?__SQUARESPACE_CACHEVERSION=1490488550742
This is a spongebob cake without any decoration whatsoever. They plopped icing down and sprayed it and went home for the day. This is what it's SUPPOSED to look like:
http://i.imgur.com/7Jz5PST.jpg
You forgot the most important warnings:
"Do not expose Sure Nova to bright lights or sunlight, do not let Sure Nova get wet, and, no matter how much it whines, never feed Sure Nova after midnight"
And with that, the title to a beloved 80s TV show was forever tainted. Fraggle Rock indeed.
And now I can't go to work tomorrow as I won't be able to stop laughing whenever I answer the phone. You see, the place I work has Nova in the name. Thanks for the laugh! (but please no more clown cakes - they are creepy, especially with nasty looking drips hanging from the cake)
Well now you've got me composing a NSFW version of the Fraggle Rock theme song, but I've got too much decorum to post it online.
After much squinting, I think (THINK) the first cake is a pair of fancy-ass slippers?
Also, the baby with the cigar cake is lying in a puddle of urine.
WOWOZER!
I am beginning to think the wreckerators taunted Sure Nova and now look at what happens. Wangs with black belts with unconcious looking kids laying next to them. Lmao I cannot stop giggling.
Thank you for reading the Mae West cake for me. I had thought it was a congratulations on having a winning sperm cake.
Actually, it could have been a gender reveal cake what with the eyelashes and all!
Why am I trying to make sense of these?
And what is that first one?
zeena..if you hit ctrl and plus sign you can make the print and pics bigger...the first part of the sperm cake is blocked but the lower part says ""come up and see her sometime" (take off on a famous quote by mae west which was (" why do you come up and see me sometime)
Why is that giant loaf of bread wearing a belt??
Actually I think the last picture is of a HAND-DYED, hand knitted fraggle penis cover/condom that covers penis and balls for a more decorative look. (protection from pregnancy not guaranteed or implied.) remember to cover your "wedding tackle" with hand knitted goodies to amuse your partner and friends!
OMFG HAPPY FUN BALL REFERENCE!!! Did you know that coffee burns when it shoots without warning through your nose? Also, who knew fraggle bits and bobs...wedding tackle...Bob...would be so colorful and...um...what IS that sticking up at the tip?! Tell me that's the tip.
OK, I need to go bandage my side now...cracked a rib laughing.
Squirrel!