Ode To Honest Wreckers
June 6, 2014 We've all seen it.
;)
;)
;)
Bakers with delusions of competency.
Yes, these professionals lure in clients with pretty pictures and promises, only to shatter their pastry pipe dreams with poor planning and pathetic, um... skills.
That's why I'd like to thank all the bakers out there who proudly let their wreck flags fly, showing us exactly what to expect when we order from them.
;)
In fact, I wrote you a poem, honest bakers.
[ahem hem hem]
Thank you for your honesty
In building your display
;)
Your heap of melty sugar
Should scare us all away
And thanks for making it easy
To choose another store
;)
Not that I don't appreciate
Some good ol' fashioned gore
Thanks for guiding blushing brides
With wisdom past their years:
;)
That any wedding cake from you
Will only end in tears.
And thanks for being straightforward,
I expected nothing less.
;)
You put it all right out there
With your drippy race car mess.
Thanks to you for having
the courage to admit
;)
That when you try to decorate
It's going to look like... really, really bad.
Thanks to Lesley B., Laura S., Anony M., Tiffany M., Martha C., & Jenna M. for dropping a load of truth on us.
*****
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Reader Comments (42)
You used my photo! Yay yay yay :)
Awesome post as usual!
Sung to "Honesty"
If you search for wreckiness
It isn't hard to find
You can find a cake you can't forgive
But if you search for truthfulness
You'll learn some bakers are blind
And that they bake cakes that you just can't give
Honesty should always be preferred
Cupcakes looks like shite, it's true
Honestly, your cakes are all absurd
The truth is what I need from you.
I can always find someone
Who won't believe their eyes
When you say that cake's "Under the Sea"
And I don't want some drippy cake
To upset blushing brides
'Cause the tears are coming, please believe
Honesty should always be preferred
LIghtning's fleeing from the goo
Honestly, your cakes are just absurd
Nobody wants a cake with poo.
Once upon a time I happened upon the most gross bathroom stall I'd ever seen. Thanks for reminding me. Seems the trauma sits deeper than I thought, if that is my first association seeing the last wreck. I'm going to sit in a corner hugging a pillow now. brb.
I didn't think this day could get much better, but then you showed me the colossal sh*te cupcake and it went up a notch.
That last one looks like some kind of dirty protest by the baker. We have kids at work that do that up the toilet walls...
Picture number 4. Wow. Thank you so much for making me laugh so hard that my keyboard now has tears on it. Someone has just wandered into my office & asked "what's wrong?" as she spotted my tear streaked face & dribbly nose. Well played Jen.
The seventh one could be Pinkie Pie's wedding cake. And it looks like intestines. Cheery intestines.
Viewing the cakes on a smaller laptop screen, as I scrolled down I thought the top 2 tiers of the racetrack cake were some sort of melting dragon. After I saw the bottom tier, I still think it looks like a melting dragon, but that somehow the dragon was responsible for a car wreck.
Is that Carrie's wedding cake?? O_O
My mind totally made the last part of your poem rhyme, but then you kept it clean and I had to "wait...what?"
Thanks for the laugh once again. This site is the first thing I do before getting to my actual job!!
There has to be a Red Wedding joke in there somewhere for cake #6.
I am snapping my fingers in your general direction.
I'm right with you LcP. That last cake made me more than a little bit nauseous. In this case it was while babysitting a "fingerpainting" 1 year old.
I actually kinda like the second one (under "Many") - while it doesn't resemble the original photo at all, it *does* strike me as a decent Flying Spaghetti Monster wedding cake!
Funny post today.
Hahaha :D. Is it bad that the 2 tier cake still looked tasty to me? O_o
Now, now....that gore cake might have been for The Red Wedding, you never know...
Sometimes it's best not to be so honest...
So I have been sitting here for 20 minutes trying to figure out just what they were going for with the drippy car race wreck. Did they MEAN for it to look like that? Was it a really hot day and the frosting melted in perfect formation pretty much all over? WHAT ARE THEY TRYING TO SAY??? Ahem.. sorry about that.
Then I got to the last one. I'm so very glad I remembered the first rule of CW and put the coffee down first.
As usual, I am in tears of laughter in the break room while co-works just smile & explain to newbies that I'm just looking at "that website" again. :).
I must say the 2 tier cake is something my 97-year-old grandmother would find "just lovely". But then, being of the Great Depression generation, she would then balk at the $88 price tag. To quote a saying from that time era... "Use it up, wear it out, make it do, or do without." Think I'd do without. ;)
Hey, you're getting a wedding cake for $88.00, what were you hoping for? And the "Under the Sea" cake, am I wrong or has the mermaid been cleaved in half, leaving only the poor, sad, skinny tail all alone on the top of that cake ? Maybe it's just seaweed, yeah, let's go with seaweed. And I know that the poop cakes were really gross, but that red tiered cake reminded me of a Vampire TV show on a premium channel, or (like was pointed out) the cake for the G.O.T. Red Wedding. Both really distressing images to conjure while looking at cake. Thanks for the laughs and groans as usual Cake Wreck team. Between the poems, cakes, songs and other comments I leave this blog a happy girl:)
I learned about the Dunning-Kruger effect the other day. One manifestation is as follows:
Unskilled individuals suffer from illusory superiority, mistakenly rating their ability much higher than is accurate. This bias is attributed to a metacognitive inability of the unskilled to recognize their ineptitude.
It seems to apply quite frequently to wreckers.
I think I could manage to eat a slice of all of those cakes except the colossal shite cupcake. Even knowing that the brown goop was frosting, I still don't think I could try it.
@TheCreepyTribble: Congratulations. "Cheery intestines" was not a phrase I'd ever think I'd hear (see), and it made me giggle more than the post.
The last one looks like a dog drug their butt across it.
I LOVE the drippy race car mess! It's the best one out of that whole display of disasters!
@LcP, that last wreck looks pristine compared to the worst bathroom stall I've ever seen! I was worried I had caught hepatitis of the eyeballs just from looking at it. It would be more of a cross between the last cake and the red wedding cake if you get my drift. My mental block of that memory was holding pretty strong until I read your comment and it all came "flooding" back. Thanks for that! Is there room in your corner for me and my pillow too?
Cake #2 is my wedding cake but mine came out correct :)
@TheCreepyTribble_I lost it at "cheery intestines." BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
That last photo...it's not often you see a cake that puts you in mind of the 'dirty protest' at Long Kesh.
Thanks to everyone who pointed out that cake no. 5 was an Under the Sea cake. I laughed so hard when I saw it I missed the details.
I'm wondering if the highway cake was made in Germany. My son and I were there two weeks ago and drove on the autobahn. Some of the road striping on the highways looked like that -- in some places, it veered in and out of the grass on the side of the road. Maybe the wreckerator's husband was on a German road striping crew and taught her everything he knows.
Well at least they let us know that cupcakes they made were all just piles of poo. Truth in advertising helps me to run away from bakers like these lol.
The $88 wedding cake wouldn't look all that bad... for someone who's into Election Day bunting in wedding shower colors.
Do I see a bit of Wilton in some of those wrecks?
My nephew's wife wanted red "trim" (her favorite color) on her wedding cake, but I convinced her it was more of a 40th anniversary color. We settled on red velvet cake, with fondant icing. The first - and God willing - last fondant cake I ever did. And I knew my limits enough to NOT use the scalloped pans for the bottom tier.
Obviously the drippy red cake is the George R.R. Martin wedding cake.
J. Rose, understanding the Dunning-Kueger effect has transformed how my husband and I view other people. He even keeps a printout of its definition near his desk.
Ugh, it's OBVIOUS what the problem is! These bakers didn't even ASK themselves if they could turn a fondant design into buttercream for their displays. Clearly, they were just being cheap and trying to cheat themselves out of money. *hair toss* So sad, since this is definitely the ONLY time bakers have ANY culpability in a wreck. *model stomps away*
@TheCreepyTribble-BWHAHAHAHA
The road goes ever
on and on, down like a striped
floppy Fruit Roll-Up.
That 6th cake could be a Sweeney Todd wedding cake. Just sayin.
I’m less horrified by the actual cake in #7 than by the presence of Comic Sans in the display sign. That’s enough to keep me away!
You know what's more disturbing to me than the vampire vibe on that red-drippy monstrosity? It's the fact that the Silly String look that has passed for "decoration" on birthday cakes has now graduated to the big time, wedding wreckery. :P
Regarding 6 (with red) and 7, I wondered if bakers think six-year-olds are picking out wedding cakes. Perhaps that has been delegated to the flower girl? Because number 6 reminds me of something I saw in a grocery store when I was a wee girl, and REALLY liked.
I'm also seeing something unintended in the pictures on the wall behind #6, on the right.