Painfully Honest Cakes
April 30, 2014 Remember, kids, if you can't say anything nice...
;)
...say it with cake.
Today is National Honesty Day, but before you go dropping those truth bombs, let's take a look at some ways you can be completely honest but still somewhat polite:
;)
;)
And my personal favorite:
;)
Only works with Angelas, though.
I just realized if you read those three together, you get a short poem:
"You are tolerable.
You are slightly above average.
You are Angela."
I like it.
If you can be a little more effusive, there's also this option for a completely honest compliment:
;)
"And hey, I mean that."
But let's be honest: 99% of the people you know are total jerkfaces, and the only reason we say nice things on their cakes is because it's their birthday and we want cake.
So here's a compromise: start with "happy birthday," and then throw in a little truth:
;)
Boom.
;)
See, the exclamation mark makes it chipper!
;)
The misspelling will confuse everyone long enough for us to make a run for it.
If you'd rather avoid all that conflict, though, then how about a general statement that everyone can agree on?
;)
TRUTH.
Thanks to Nichelle O., Gina G., Kristin S., Kitzy C., Joan A., Sarah C., Liz M., Doug K., & Michele D. for spouting off.
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Reader Comments (47)
As a diehard Austen fan, I kind of love the "tolerable" cake. But it isn't handsome enough to tempt me...
With apologies to Robert Frost.
Stomping on Moods on an Honest Morning
Whose cakes these are I think I know
It's true nobody loves them though
Some others will be glad to hear
We think that they are tolerable.
I hope that you won't think it queer
To hear you're above average dear
Between the clown and smile face
That you are Angela is clear.
You're not a douche, there's no mistake
Having a crisis on your cake
The sound we're hearing is you weep
At disappointment on your cake.
These words are honest, dark and deep
It's 'cause you're just not special, creep.
And syphilis blows from way down deep
Yes, syphilis blows from way down deep.
If only the first two cakes were contractions, it'd be a haiku:
You're tolerable
You're slightly above average
You are Angela.
Of course, to be truly wreck-worthy, they'd probably have to use the wrong word form with "your". ;)
@ScaperMama FTW. Same thing I thought.
I AM getting old and I AM having a crisis, but it's not my birthday so it doesn't actually work. I'm also not Angela, but the other cakes absolutely apply to me.
Thus the crisis...
The double commas at the end of #6 are head tilt inducing, as are the Stars of David on the corners.
But more importantly, I always knew there was something going on with Fudgie the Whale...
Sharyn bwaahahahaha. Insults are sweeter with frosting :))
Hee, @Scapermama, if our teeth are tolerable we can have some cake!
Happy Birthday to you
We're disappointed in you!
You still play with Barbies
And you act like one too.
You're thirty-fo-o-o-o-our! *jazzhands*
I was at least proud of the bakers for the correct spellings until we got to the next-to-last cake.
Be honest. Be nice. Buy a cake that says "We want cake!"
Your poem is almost a hiaku.
SuBee: You are very special to us. Please don't think you are a disappointment in any way. I always love your posts.
YOU ARE SUBEE.
Why do I want to put "Hear me roar" after that?
I truly hope that at least one of these was a misunderstanding on the baker's part!
I'm afraid to ask which N word got censored in the "You're having a crisis" one.
It sounds like a new mantra from "The Help", just specified towards Angela.
I also want to know what the N-word might be, so we can better understand what a "crisis N_____" is. But maybe I'm just getting Old because I care about such things as missing commas and arbitrary capitalization. At least the decorator is familiar with apostrophes and has pretty, if skewed, handwriting.
@ScaperMama, so totally what I was thinking. The best part? I'm currently listening to Pride and Prejudice on audio book totally by coincidence. (I started it yesterday since Sense and Sensibility was already checked out.)
I actually have a friend I could give the "slightly above average" cake to. He's a coworker named Scott that I go to for technical issues since he's a bit of a computer guru. I often call him "Great Scott" with a thick Scottish brogue, to which he always replies, "Not great. Just slightly above average".
" but the other cakes absolutely apply to me" @Subee - Sorry about the Syphilis ;-)
I can't stop looking at the H on the crisis cake. It's all loopy and cool looking and somehow it still works as an H.
The "We're Disappointed in You!" cake might actually be a reference to an old Tim & Eric show gag, where Tim Heidecker calls a bakery and asks for a birthday cake for his fictitious son Spraynard that also happens to have "I'm disappointed in you" across the top.
I've always liked the compliments (?) that allow you time to run: "You're not as stupid as the rest" "I've always liked that you're not that beautiful" "Good job on acting a loser"
Beat...wait for it...wait for it
"Hey!"
If we were really being honest on National Honesty Day, we'd have a lovely cake that says EAT ME.
@ScaperMama: Love it!
I find it sad that there's occasion to have an Honest Day...but at least there's cake.
I was going to try and be nice about the last one and say something about Sy and his lovely bride Phyllis on their second honeymoon whale watch, but then I started to read it as a single sentence ...
Ummmm, I think it should just be ignored altogether.
Jen and Sharyn-That was a lovely way to celebrate the last day of Poetry Month.
@Rachel CrazyMum-Thank you! I feel much better now.
@Jodee- Even those who haven't experienced the horrors of syphilis personally can agree that it "blows." Thank you anyway- You made me realize that I should be happy that the last cake doesn't apply to me. Crisis averted!
The poem sounds like the maid on the movie The Help, except she's having a bad day with her little charge.
@Jodee That's how it's written in both Germany (how learned to write it there ages ago) and Croatia. I don't know about other countries.
Love them. On the bright side cake helps soften the blow of total honesty.
The "Slightly Above Average" cake, I think might be a reference to Garrison Keilor's News from Lake Wobegon section of his Prairie Home Companion radio show. He describes the fictional town of Lake Wobegon as a place where "all the women are strong, all the men are good-looking and all the children are above average."
I think the creator of the "Slightly Above Average" cake might be offering a tip o' the pastry bag to "Prairie Home Companion": "the little town of Lake Wobegon, where all the women are strong, all the men are good looking, and all the children are above average."
@Jodee Here's a link for you: http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/de/a/a5/La-ges.jpg
Is that blocked out "N" word THE "N" word? Okay, who let Donald Sterling order a cake? (Also, shouldn't it be preceded by a comma?) When Donald comes to pick up the cake, give him the first one and tell him we made it special just for him!
We're disappointed in you! A Tim & Eric reference yay! My daughter made my hub a birthday card once with the same quote. They are ridiculously huge fans and would love that cake.
Poor Fudgie the Whale
We had one over here a few years ago that said "Screw this diet..." Good one:)
The "You Are Angela" one reminded me of the Simpsons "You Are Lisa Simpson" one, if that is what inspired it, it's actually a very sweet sentiment in context.
i'm happy and surprised to see that two cake decorators knew that you're equals you are. i'm so used to seeing your instead of you're.
The "T" in Tolerable is so festive :-)
The "You are Tolerable" cake makes me think of Pride and Prejudice. When the bingleys and Darcy come to the first ball and Bingley asks Darcy what he thinks of Lizzie. Darcy replies that she is tolerable but not handsome enough to tempt him. (yes I am a bit of an austen nut).
Awesome. I would love to get any of these cakes.
And I too am wondering what N-word that N stands for.
"You are Angela."
#dead
Well now that I see these I won't be ordering a cake for my birthday. These said it all lmao. Wow to whoever was brave enough to give them to anyone.
To answer all the "what's the N-word" questions - it was the birthday girl's name. She wouldn't let me submit the pic unless I promised to block it, so the internets wouldn't know WHO was old and having a crisis. :)
The Angela poem made my day! Nothing like uncontrollable laughter at work to brighten your day! Great job as usual Jen!!
Sassy-tastic hahaha
As an Angela, I must say that I am delighted with the three-wreck poem! I might have that printed on my next birthday cake... Especially the haiku version. (Thanks Annie!)
Mr. Darcy would never stoop to order a tie-dye cake.