Wednesday
Feb122014
From The Bottom Of My... Bottom
February 12, 2014 Why give your heart to that special someone this Valentine's Day, when you can give him/her something even more special:
;)
Your colon.
You know, this is so moving, I think I feel a song coming on. That, or a bad case of stomach flu. [head tilt] No, no...I'm pretty sure it's a song. (Whew!) Ok, then - c'mon, everyone, sing it with me!
Laast V-day, I gave you my heart,
But the very next day, you gave it away.
Thiiiis year, to save me from tears,
I'm gonna give you my co-lon (colon!)
Psst. Soon everyone will want the coffee cake colon, Josh F. - pass it on!
*****
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Reader Comments (34)
I need a cleanse after that...
My almost 14 year old looked at that and said, "Have a slice, Mom. Then it'll be a semi-colon." I'm so proud.
Ew. And Sharyn, your child is awesome. :D Didn't have much choice given the nature/nurture double-team, but still.
OOOh! and it is only $10. That is quite the bargain this time of year.
I'm not convinced there is a coffee cake under all that. Or any other food item, for that matter.
As someone who looks at pictures of the insides of colons all day, I can tell you this is a pretty accurate representation. And I would have totally bought it, just to gross out my co-workers. :)
Bwah ha ha ha ha! To both the cake colon and Sharyn's son.
Aside from the colon-ness gross factor of this, why would anyone slather frosting onto a coffee cake?
Are you sure that isn't a King cake?
I'll be singing all day.
Son of Sharyn, I salute you, sir!
In life and in cake,
always use your full colon,
never your semi.
"Bill, the thing I really admire about you is... " --Naked Lunch
Bahahaha Sharyn's kid :D as for that cake D:
What Is A Grammatically Correct Valentine’s Day Symbol?
Today’s post revisits one of the oldest questions around: what is the correct grammatical symbol for Valentine’s Day? For example. chocolatiers have tried to deal with this for eons, and, having come to no universal solution, merely put random squiggles on their finest sweets. For today’s cake, this baker has opted for the colon. Is this a good choice? Let’s take a look.
The goal, of course, is for the giver to declare his or her fondness for the receiver; it is a gift that is designed to promote a feeling of support, of love, if you will, that hopefully will be somehow reciprocated by the receiver. How well do our grammatical symbols do that?
How about a period? Well, how about not. The period indicates the end of a sentence. The end, folks. For those wishing to continue a relationship, giving a symbol that indicates the end is probably not the best idea. In another context, in certain delicate situations if the woman were to give it to the man it might appropriately mean, “You are NOT going to be the Daddy.”
The ampersand (&) is another choice, but vague in its meaning in this environment. It means “and,” but, and what? “Happy Valentine’s Day and…?” Nebulousness never won fair heart.
Maybe an emdash – that’s a longer hyphen. It indicates a break in thought, not a particularly smooth approach for this day, is it? The language of love should flow naturally, n’est pas?
Could we use parenthesis? Yes, if we want to be bopped on the head. It’s not so bad that they indicate a qualifying remark (and really, do you want your feelings to be qualified?) but also that they look like bow legs. “Here, dear, I love you with some qualifications and by the way, you have bow legs.” If you use this, my advice: run!
Well, then, perhaps brackets [] would work. Maybe, if you were studying wood work and the textbook offered some technical information, for that’s what brackets general contain. (Technical information, though not only about wood work.) If you and your beloved are two molecular biologists who happen to be cardiologist, well, perhaps.
Three festively decorated cupcakes in a row representing ellipses (…) might be fun: a cupcake for you, a cupcake for me, and one for us to share. Or, this is you, this is me, and this is us together as one. Awwwwwwww…. Que cuteness…. Unfortunately, ellipses generally mean something is omitted, left out. Is that what you want to say about your feelings? Something is left out? It raises the specter of doubt, incompleteness…. Not a very reassuring message for this special day. [Technical note: I use ellipses a lot, and by a lot, I mean A LOT. For me, it is a style thing, more than a grammar thing, like using all lower case letters in my name….]
Is there hope for the quotation marks? If there is, it isn’t here. Have you ever made those quote marks with your fingers? Sure you have, and when you did that you most likely meant what you said as sarcasm or hyperbole. How does this sound: Happy Valentine’s Day. I “love” you. ‘Nuff said.
Perhaps, then the apostrophe. This will work well if you and your love believe that women are the property of men, for the apostrophe indicates possession. Sam’s = belongs to Sam. If you’ve come along way, baby, skip the apostrophe.
Which brings us back to the colon, and its friend, the semi-colon. Anal allusions aside, the colon is used to indicate an explanation, or a series of things. If you have to explain your love, well, sorry for you. No one want to hear “I love you” followed by some kind of explanation, which will ultimately not only dilute the “I love you” part, but will also totally wash it away. The same is true when it is used to introduce a series of things. Just stop: you had me at “I love you.”
So we’re down to the semi-colon. Could this the perfect Valentine’s Day grammatical symbol? The semi-colon “is used to connect independent clauses.” Furthermore, it shows a close relationship between those clauses. Ah…I think we’re on to something. If we consider each person as an independent individual (independent clause), that sounds rather romantic, doesn’t it. And when we add that it shows a close relationship, well, voilà! Here it is, what we’re after, the answer: something that shows a close relationship between two independent people – the semi-colon! Who knew!
May your Valentine’s Day be filled with semi-colons! And if you love someone, tell them, again and again! And then again. Daily. It’s one of the few things in life you really can’t overdo, and it is something that is as good for the sender to say as it is for the receiver to hear.
And Cake Wrecks…I ; you!
@Sharyn - You're raising 'em right.
I lol'ed at the song. Love it.
And Heather--as to why someone would slather frosting on a coffee cake? Probably because 'Merica. :) I love many things about this country, but our national relationship to food is not one of those things.
When I first saw this, I chastised myself for trying to eat lunch while reading this blog. I should know better.
But then Sharyn, and her witty son, and Amanda M. and Haiku Joy come along, and suddenly we have turned lemons into lemonade!
Now if only we could find a chef to turn that . . . . thing . . . . .into something edible.
Who could resist a deal like that? Excuse me while I go out to get one of my very own.
@mel ~ I less than 3 you a really lot!
@Haiku Joy ~ Maybe you could have mel come teach your class on Valentine's Day?
mel... mel... mel...
Such a great "comment"; so erudite. (I wish I be be as much!) All in all: good work.
Good luck getting any of them to come! They would claim National I Have Dandruff Day as a personally important holiday if they thought it meant they could skip class.
Well, in Medieval times in England, it wasn't the heart that represented love, it was the liver. Not sure what to make of that, except it's still better than the colon!
Also:
Sharyn, your son is being raised right (his comment is priceless)!
Mel, your grammatical skills leave me to shame!
Haiku Joy, never stop with the haikus, please!
The "song"-thing above, Jen...
Is it about love, then?
(No part of the time
does it try to rhyme...)
But like it, I do, now
It's silly, like you...
Wow!
Happy Hearts Day, y'all! Here's a romantic song for you & John: http://youtu.be/dh5oaxyMt0I
=^~.~^=
Could we please declare a holiday for mel? The cakes would be fabulous!
Fortunately, my colon did not look anything like that inflamed mess (which I suspect covers cupcakes) but rather arching hallways covered in light pink satin. I hope it still does....
I definitely don't think of icing on coffee cake. Maybe a drizzle of glaze, but not a red avalanche.
But while I have so many grammarians gathered (including Sharyn's genius son!), why the singular "ellipsis" and the plural "ellipses"? If a single series is an ellipsis, then perhaps if a sentence contains several series it becomes ellipses?
Talk amongst yourselves.
mel, mel, mel...! You described my parents' lives together: Scarlett and Rhett, Romeo and Juliet, Lucy and Ricky. An epic drama...a love story...a comedy. But mostly, a beautiful poem...I had *something in my eye* after reading it. You have a real gift, and you share it with us, and it's like we're all GETTING a gift! Right now it's a balmy 10 degrees F outside, and pitch dark. But, hey--I feel like a sunbeam is curled up next to me like a cat. Thanks. =^~.~^=
Best Colon song ever. And I have heard a lot of them.
The cake on the other hand… even I am feeling a little sluggish about it.
Shouldn't it be Pan Wow season?
@Mel - As someone who works with grammar a lot, that made me laugh out loud! =-)
@Sharyn - Your child's comment did too!
The cake just made me say, "Ew!"
@Jodee: you’re making me blush…in a non-stalked kind of way…I appreciate your support, and less than 3 to you for that. :-)
@nanalettie: thank you; just having fun here….
@Leesa: thanks; I always wondered if that English major would ever come in handy….
@SuBee: you make me laugh, and I like that….
@Knittedbooties: here’s a shot: if there is one dog, it is “dog;” add another dog or more and you have “dogs.” If we’re talking about one set of three dots, that’s an ellipsis. When there is more than one set, we’re talking plural, and collectively they care called ellipses. Singular, “i” and “e” for plural. Just remember “i” before “e” for singular and plural spelling. And that’s probably better than ellipsis and elippsises, or ellipsis’ or ellipsisis….
@sendingtheclowns: thanks…and stay warm…(tomorrow we expect to be above freezing – first time in two week, and Monday we broke a 100+ year old record for cold on that day: 23 below zero, and that’s not wind chill.)
@Seabird: Glad you had a laugh! Who would have ever thought grammar could be funny!
Well now I know I won't be getting cake for Valentine's Day lol. Especially one like that. Sheesh what on earth is that horrible thing? I refuse to believe it's a colon lol.
It looks so....bloody. 0_o
Well the cakes are truly something else but I gotta tell ya, your comments are priceless. I have laughed so hard over the commentary than the ridiculous cakes. Too bad the Seinfeld Show is over - he would have loved your humor! Thanks for the posts!!