Throw the Bouquet Away
November 5, 2014 I can't tell you how many wedding Wrecks I've seen salvaged with nothing more than a few well-placed bunches of fresh flowers.
;)
These...are not those saves.
Believe it or not, that's a 3-tiered cake. See how effectively the gigantic seed pods hide the flaws in the top tier? They ran out for the bottom two, though, and were forced to randomly spill stuff on the table cloth to help "distract the eye." Cocoa powder or dirt? That is the question.
Other questions come to mind here, however:
;)
Questions like: "Why?" and, "Why?" and, "For the love of pretty pastry platters, WHY?!?"
Since fresh flowers do have the nasty tendency of dying, though, I bet some of you are asking why bakers don't just use fake ones.
I will answer your question [dramatic pause]...with another question:
Ever contemplate sucking icing off a fabric leaf?
(Don't worry, this was not a wedding cake. It was a 20th wedding anniversary cake. Which, you know, makes it all better.)
Still, at least you can always count on silk flowers to be dust-free, hygienic, and easy to sanitize. That's why it's OK to just jam them all in the icing:
;)
[blink blink]
BWAHAHAHAHAHA HOOHAA HEEHAHAH!
[wiping eyes] Dust free! Heehee! Ah, I crack myself up sometimes.
You know, Amy, Kasey R., & Anony M., I give "deadpan" a good name. I call it "Fuzzywuzzkins."
*****
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Reader Comments (29)
Ah, yes. How long have those fake flowers been "on display" at Dollarama? How many times were they rummaged through, spilled onto the floor, trodden on, and jammed back into the plastic holders by some frazzled customer or store employee? Of course, they're fine to stick into food items!
"Earth laughs in flowers yet the brides weep."
Ralph Waldo Emerson
1: Sorry--What? I was distracted by that framed (?painting) thing on the wall behind the wreck. It looks like Vincent van Gogh in a derby hat.
2. That's what happens when you put the cake out while they're still pruning nearby...
3.You can't be SURE that those flowers are dust-free. For all anyone knows, they could have been trotted over from the funeral parlor across the street. ( ...ashes to ashes dust to dust, when it comes to laughs, in wrecks we trust...) =^-.-^=
oh dear god.
that is all
Pretty sure I just made some noises I've never made before.
How ever much was paid was STILL too much...
Hee! I'm sitting here with a beautiful bouquet on my desk which someone thoughtfully gave me. I appreciate the sentiment very much, but the problem is that I have very severe allergies. Ugh! So, the thought of flowers on my cake, either real with real allergens, or fake with tons of dust mites (which I'm also very allergic to) really turns my tummy! Yikes!
Cake #1 appears to be weeping great black tears...or is being attacked by giant black bugs.
Cake #2 reminds me of the time, when my boys were little and disliked vegetables, that, out of desperation, I tried making a veggie filled gelatin using lime J-ello and peas. This cake looks about as tasty as that J-ello was, which is to say, not at all.
For some reason, Cake # 3 reminds me of Jack Nicholson's Joker when he said, "Have you ever danced with the Devil 'neath the pale moon light? I always ask that of all my prey...".
On first glance at that second cake, I sincerely thought there were peas distributed randomly about. Second glance is not much better.
FYI, we had a lovely wedding cake--also cheap, since we were young, broke, & paying for our own wedding--of pearly white frosting adorned with fake flowers. But we washed them first--DUH!--and took them off before cutting so nobody had to deal with sticky fabric.
And, coincidentally, yesterday was the day I first met DH, 20 years ago. If that's the celebratory cake, I think I'll pass.
The only flowers that are ok on cake are made from sugar. Everything else is just asking for trouble. (Yeah, I know there are edible flowers, like daisies, roses, corn flowers etc, but unless I handle them myself from the garden to the food I don't want anything to do with them. Imagine some person picking them from some dog route and not washing them properly *shudder*)
Even in a bouquet, those nasty plastic stems on fake flowers are still nasty. Who thought that it was ok to artistically arrange those stems around a cake? For goodness' sake, CUT THE STEMS OFF! Heck, even the stems of a real flower are not necessarily attractive. There's a reason corsages & boutonnieres don't have the stem dangling down, or that bridal bouquets (with rare exceptions) don't expose the stems.
nothing like dollar tree flowers. I will not tell a lie I had a lady ask for silk poinsettias and red velvet ribbon on a cake. prayed for no bleeds. Then doing a 3 tier straight stack she pops a bridge and I had to make 2 two layer sidecars when I got the bridges they were huge for a 5 tier cake with deviders I had to use 8 champagen flutes to raise the sidecars and lots of silk [poinsettia's to fill in. The cake looked really pretty but I was like can you cut those bridges down? I was waiting on her to spring a fountain for the cake!
Oh lord! I had a bride give me silk flowers covered in glitter to put on her beautiful wedding cake. She did not pay me to make gum paste one, but no way I was putting my name on that cake with those God aweful things on it! So I re created every single flower she gave me and put them on the cake! She was elated! I got a giganic tip on delivery! Goes to show you that the bride doesnt always know what's best!
On that last cake (toward the bottom right) is that one of those little fake
birds? You know, the ones with a few REAL feathers?
What is that thing swooping in from the right on the last cake? It frightens me.
This is an aside. Went to pick up a cake for the boss's birthday today. They asked what I wanted inscribed on it. I said "Happy Birthday, Ted". I was then asked "How many "D"s are there in "Ted"? I was tempted to say "Two, but the first is silent" just to see what they came up with.
@Degera: That thing swooping in from the right on the last cake is the Silvery, Swoopy, Swooping-Thing... of dil-DOOM...! (And yes; you should be frightened. Be VERY frightened.)
@Degenera: I believe that's the cake knife. Apparently it looked so yummy, they couldn't wait to dig in.
@Jan: Why, yes, it is. Good eye and *shudder*
@Amy: I rarely even snicker at these posts (usually I just grin wryly) but your idea made laugh out loud. I, too, would like to have seen the result. May have to try that.
An aside of my own: where's mel? Haven't seen him post for a few days and he's usually as reliable as clockwork (do kids even know what that MEANS?) Hope he's okay.
These cakes, especially the last one, look like some caught a stomach bug while they were standing next to the clearance bun at the crafts store, went to the wedding and barfed all over the cakes.
Which, come to think of it, is kind of how I feel right now. Dealing with a client who's screwing me into the ground.
Why did I read this in Mike Rowe's voice?
I almost forgot: Andrew Cuomo (yawn) won the gubernatorial election in my neck of the woods. Wouldn't it be nice if his honey, Sandra Lee, made him one of these cakes as a victory gift?
@SuBee: These cakes are too nice for Ms. Semi-Something. After all, somebody actually PAID for these! (But not as much as they're worth--clearly at least $1,000!)
Cake #2...Good God, are those PEAS? I am unable to say why this is so disturbing...but peas...PEAS.
SuBee & SaraCVT: Don't be silly. That last cake is CLEARLY still missing a gigantic candle in the center! And then it can go on a lovely tablescape with more plastic flowers sprinkled all over a floral bedsheet and cocktails made with vodka and Dollar Store grapefruit juice! She'll call it "Spring Fling!" LOL
@SaraCVT: I've been wondering about mel, too. We look forward to his hilarious comments and it HAS been a while, hasn't it? Maybe he's working on a novel that we'll all turn into a best-seller (overnight).
May I suggest using Triffids, next time?
@sendingtheclowns and @SaraCVT: Perhaps the Midnight Writer is catching up on some much needed sleep. He's been quite busy recently. I wish you well, too, mel. Hope to see you here again soon.
Well I have a feeling a bunch of brides are pretty ticked off and wanting to kick some wreckerator rear ends. Wow I can't even stop laughing right now.. poor brides.
Don't feel bad for the poor brides, they are the ones who made these disasters. They are too cheap to get a professional baker to make a simple cake, so they either do it themselves of hire aunt Judy who dosent know anything. You get what you pay for. These brides spend all of the money on the dress, and leave the cake on the back burner. Then come wedding day, and this is what you get. These brides need to up their cake budget because all of them say it's just flour and eggs, but this is the era of bling. And if they can afford the bling dress, then they need to afford the bling cake. If they can't afford the wedding, then they shouldn't be getting married. That's what they get for being cheap. GOOD CAKE AINT CHEAP, AND CHEAP CAKE AINT GOOD!!