9 Hilariously Bizarre Halloween Cakes To Make You Go, "Huh?"
October 30, 2014 Bakeries get a lot of leeway this time of year, since Halloween is supposed to have ugly gross stuff:
;)
But there's raspberry jam soaked zombie faces, and then there's... uh... this:
;)
Took me a solid minute to figure it out:
A banana shooting laser beams.
(I am SO GOOD AT THIS, you guys.)
Yep, bakers are once again trying to collectively punk the world, churning out ridiculous Halloween designs each more baffling than the last:
;)
Aliens? Amoebas?
This guy?
;)
I actually see this design a lot:
;)
The angry toilet paper has sprouted arms, and is pulling itself to freedom.
While this roll vows revenge on airbrushes everywhere:
;)
"I am not 'pretty,' I AM THE TERRIFYING TP! Here to WIPE you out! Mwuah-ha-haaawhy are you laughing?"
Next we have an ice cream swirl wearing a traffic cone about to be impaled by a trident.
Because if THAT doesn't say "Happy Halloween"... then don't worry 'cuz the board does:
;)
For some reason ghost sperm are always a big seller this time of year:
;)
They look kinda confused, though, right?
Like they can't tell if they're coming or going.
[HEYO.]
Also confused? Me, after looking at this thing:
;)
They managed to get icing absolutely everywhere except on top of the cupcakes.
Now that's scary.
And finally, a possessed stove burner:
;)
Because haunted appliances are SO hot right now.
("It burns. IT BURRRRNS!")
There's a ghost of a chance Brittany D., Carrie, Ginny V., Karen S., Megan S., Karrie T., Jennifer K., Jennifer R., & Shannon T. will be ordering out tonight. You're welcome, ladies!
*****
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Reader Comments (54)
You're traveling through another dimension
Tridents, ghost sperm and TP rolls blow your mind.
A journey into a wondrous land whose boundaries are those of skill and talent.
That's a price tag up ahead.
Your next stop - The Wreckie Zone
"has sprouted arms, and is pulling itself to freedom"
{Shudder} that will be haunting me all day
Great narration today Jen!
Ah, what a creative way to clean out the fridge at the Miscellaneous Bakery and use all that obscure coloured icing they they had stored at the very back.
In 1968 George A. Romero shocked the movie going public with his low budget horror classic, “The Night of the Living Dead,” filmed in black and white in Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania. However, this was not the only attempt at horror from the Keystone State. A newly unearthed manuscript, resuscitated and revealed here for the first time, contains the notes of a draft for a Halloween horror musical, “The Bakery Horror Wedding Cake Show.” The story involves Brad and Janet and their search for a wedding cake on a cold, rainy night in October. While the notes and draft are incomplete, some of the story line and a few songs give us a sense of what might have been.
Brad and Janet are searching for a unique bakery that specializes in one of a kind wedding cakes that are absolutely magnificent. The store is called Cake Rex, and it is the king of wedding cake bakeries, devouring its competition. Late one cold, rainy Halloween night, our couple drives deep into the country side to find this gem. Unfortunately, the heavy rain, fog and a few wrong turns bring the couple to a large, rundown building, with an old neon sign flashing “cake re” in the dark. Janet thinks that’s the broken Cake Rex sign, and they park the car and run through the rain to the entrance. Little do they know, they have come to a far different bakery, one that appears only on Halloween night for a brief time and is staffed solely by the souls of departed decorators who couldn’t decorate a decent cake to…well…save their souls. They work under the guidance of the masterful, yet mad, frosting fanatic, Dr. Dek-A-Rator. Together they specialize in making dessert disasters and wedding woes: they make cake wrecks.
As a wolf howls in the distance, Brad and Janet knock, then and enter a strange world. The staff is singing and dancing, talking about their work. Brad and Janet feel like they’re in a time warp.
Raff Riff:
It’s confounding
Life is fleeting
Frosting takes its toll
But people want more
Mauve: Their demands are much stronger
Raff Riff:
I’ve got to take a stroll
I remember making a cake wreck
Using plastic pieces
And lots of brown icing
Raff Riff and Mauve: And balloons that look like sperm
Chorus:
Let’s make some cake wrecks again
Let’s make some cake wrecks again
Crime guy: Just put some junk on the left
Chorus: Then don’t spell anything right
Crime guy: With your hands by your tips
Chorus:
Squeeze your bags real tight
But it’s the sprinkle thrust
That really drives ‘em insane
Let’s make a cake wreck again
Let’s make a cake wreck again
Mauve:
It’s so creamy
Oh, frosting free me
You just want to be me
No? Not at all?
I have no pretension
Of decorating intention
Well deluded I frost all
Raff Riff: With a bit of a tip flip
Mauve: You’re making a cake slip
Raff Riff: And nothing can ever be the same
Mauve: You’re spaced out on dec’ration
Raff Riff: Like you’re under sedation
Chorus:
Let’s make a cake wreck again
Let’s make a cake wreck again
Columbine:
Well I was frosting in the back
And having a drink
When a customer ordered “Jennifer in pink”
That shook-a me up, it took me by surprise
I wrote “Jennifer in pink” with sprinkles on the i’s
They glared at me like I was deranged
Cake meant nothing, never would again
Chorus:
Let’s make a cake wreck again
Let’s make a cake wreck again
Crime guy: Just put some junk on the left
Chorus: Then don’t spell anything right
Crime guy: With your hands by your tips
Chorus:
Squeeze your bags real tight
But it’s the sprinkles thrust
That really drives ‘em insane
Let’s make a cake wreck again
Let’s make a cake wreck again
(tap dancing interlude)
Chorus:
Let’s make a cake wreck again
Let’s make a cake wreck again
Crime guy: Just put some junk on the left
Chorus: Then don’t spell anything right
Crime guy: With your hands by your tips
Chorus:
Squeeze your bags real tight
But it’s the sprinkles thrust
That really drives ‘em insane
Let’s make a cake wreck again
Let’s make a cake wreck again
Not sure what’s going on, Janet and Brad turn to leave, when suddenly they are confronted by the owner, Dr. Dek-A-Rator. He’s a sweet decorator from Valencia, Pennsylvania. He introduces himself through song.
Dr. Dek-A-Rator:
How do you do
I see you’ve met my faithful frosting man
He’s just a little mellow because
When you knocked
He thought you were the sprinkles man.
Don’t get upset by the way I look
You might think I have herpes zoster
I’m not much of a baker by the light of day
But at night I’m one hell of a froster
I’m just a sweet decorator
From Valencia, Pennsylvania
Let me show you around, how does that sound?
I’ll show you some cakes that are groovy
And if you want something visual
That’s not too abysmal
I could show you an old Wilton Decorating movie
Brad:
Thanks for letting us in
To miss this ‘d be a sin
We’re both in a bit of a hurry
(Janet: Right!)
We’ll just pick out a cake
And our exit will make
We don’t want to be any worry
Dr. Dek-A-Rator:
Well you came for a cake
Make no mistake
Now you’re just a spectator
By the light of the night
It’ll all be all right
I’ll get you a Satanic Decorator
I’m just a sweet ornamenter
From Valencia, Pennsylvania
Why don’t you stay for a bite?
(Raff Riff: Bite!)
We’ll have one tonight
(Columbine: Night!)
I could show you my baking obsession
I’ve been baking a man
In a very large pan
The recipe’s my own invention
I’m just a sweet decorator
From Valencia, Pennsylvania
Hit it! Hit it!
I’m just a sweet decorator
(Chorus: Sweet decorator)
From Valencia
(with Chorus): Pennsylvania
So come up to the lab
And see what’s on the slab
You will shiver at my decor….ation
But maybe the rain
‘Tis not really to blame
So I’ll remove the cause
But not the sprinkles
Realizing they are in the wrong store, Brad and Janet flee, cakeless. As they run back to their car, there are sudden flashes of light behind them. They turn, only to see the bakery beginning to disappear, its time here over for another year. And as the darkness consumes Dr. Dek-A-Rator and his staff of demented decorators and their debauched and déclassé decorating, Brad and Janet hear someone singing.
Freddie:
When did they start wanting cakes made right?
When you look at our cakes they’re outta sight
But people just recoil in fright
I’ve been frosting all my life, it’s a good time
Edible paper and Styrofoam, they rule
And I could make a cake lean like nobody’s fool
Smear out a mistake and then write over – it looks cool
And my use of brown frosting and twigs was divine
CCC Patooie! Bless my soul
This is how cake wrecks roll!
Chorus:
CCC Patooie! Bless my soul
This is how cake wrecks roll!
CCC Patooie! Bless my soul
This is how cake wrecks roll!
CCC Patooie! Bless my soul
This is how cake wrecks roll!
As a saxophone wails in the night, the manuscript and notes end here….
Happy Halloween Eve!
Maybe #2 is the moon going behind a cloud?? I have to say, mel is magnificent today.
Sung to "Thriller"
It's close to sunrise, and something wrecky's lurking in the dark
Under the cake domes, you see cakes that awaken all your snark
You start to squint, 'cause that banana's shooting out a laser
And look at these. What are they things that each have bloodshot eyes?
Please clarify?
I think it's TP, gray and white
It's gonna wipe you out, it's such a terrifying sight
An ice cream killer, sperms in flight
Perhaps the icing melted by the haunted stove. Well, it might...
Dear heavens! Jen - you need to induct Mel into the Cake Wrecks crew so we can get pictures to go along with his artistry!
Cake #2 - It's either a sign of impending insanity, or I've been reading this blog for too long, but I THINK it's supposed to be a crescent moon and bat. Really. But a banana shooting laser beams is certainly what it resembles more closely!
The angry toilet paper reminds me of Toy Story when Mrs. Potato Head tells Mr. Potato Head to pack his "Angry Eyes, just in case." LOL
Mel, if there is an award for best post, I think you just won it.
Oh Jen. Jen, Jen, Jen. That is clearly Neon MMBatman and his new sidekick, Charlie Brownana.
OH MY GOD, MEL!!!!
I am sending this to my PA dwelling, Rocky Horror loving offspring ASAP!
And remember: Don't dream it. Frost it...
Holy crap mel that is perfect :D as for the cakes, since they are for halloween i'll give the bakers a little leeway...
My kids informed me that cake #3 is OBVIOUSLY mutated twinkies...and when you think about it, in an apocalyptic scenario everyone would still have their twinkies, it sorta makes sense. that or I still need more coffee.
Every time I think Mel has finally given us his magnum opus, his tour de force...he tops himself again. If I knew what was better than a standing ovation, I'd be doing it right now. Also, I thought that one cake was a bat and crescent moon, too...but am left puzzled by the horizontal band of dark icing near the bottom of the "moon". Which really does make it look more like a banana. Which makes no sense, and it must. make. sense, dammit!!
The third cake looks like some type of ghost from Japanese Folklore.
7th image down: the little green cupcake duo: an adorable depiction of a small child in a bulky (but warm!) snowsuit who got tired, pulled the hat down over his/her eyes, and took a nap...because he/she couldn't get up. Who hasn't been there? (The devil's food, you say!) =^~.~^=
I just come here for the stories.
(Cannot stop laughing. Needed it today, guys--sewer backed up into the basement.)
@FM good luck with that!! That's never fun and there's never a good time for that!
Jen, you are on FIYAH today!
I had the same interpretation of the banana cake as @Anne E Lynch: Bat and the crescent moon.
Mel, thanks for the Rocky Horror fun!
I believe the third one down, the alien/amoeba cross is actually a poorly-drawn creeper from Minecraft. My Eldest, who loves all things spooky, has got a plushie of said creeper, so I'm confronted by the shape every day. But Minecraft is all about squares and boxes, so they shouldn't have rounded edges.
BTW, our house has a new addition to the family! His name is Alex and he's an 8-week Lab/Rottweiler cross. Baby slept with Youngest last night, for unbearable cuteness. They are already bestest buddies :) He woke up, had a hearty breakfast and a drink, walked outside to do his business (rather reluctantly; was carried a lot of the time), saw Youngest off on the bus, and is currently napping, because all that work makes a guy tired!
That next to last one--what on earth was the baker thinking? That looks like the least appealing excuse for a dessert I have ever seen.
I was going to say something about the cakes but @mel replaced every thought I had in my head. I have no clue how you do it but please keep doing it! Is there something even grander then a standing ovation? If so, it's all for you, sir!
@FM ~ So sorry :(
Number 2 is obviously a fruit bat. Just a fruit bat, carrying his lunch.
mel, oh wondrous mel!!!! Singularly exquisite!!! I still have tears in my eyes. That was amazing, the lyrics, the songs, omg, so hilarious...as soon as I read Brad and Janet...I was like OMG this is going to be amazing...I was NOT disappointed. RHPS is one of my FAVORITE movies/ outings/ things to go do/ see/ participate in! I am going to print and frame it as part of my Rocky Horror memorabilia.
Reno used to have the largest outside showing of Rocky...AND...it was FREE. They had an amphitheater out behind the Reno Hilton (before they sold it and then the buyers destroyed the best outdoor concert/ movie venue in town to expand their parking lot...what???). It was the best place to go see and do Rocky and concerts too. The show was done by the "Bawdy Caste" out of San Jose, CA...and they were fun and amazing, then as the sun sank behind us the music queued up and we all chanted "Let there be lips" for three minutes until they appeared on the huge screen. Afterwards, we'd come out with bread in our hair, our clothes damp and rice in our undies and maybe a playing card stuck to the bottom of our shoe...and donate $ to the cast on the way out of the theater. I took my son when he was 14, he dressed as a Transylvanian. We went every year after that until they tore it down, I think I went like 7 times when I lived there, but it was truly the best Rocky ever, there were no restrictions on what you could bring, although you did have to be careful, but nobody ever got stupid and no one ever ended up hurt. They did it in July, when it was hot, but it was still fun and it cooled off when the sun went down. Indoor theaters are fun, but that was truly the best venue, people drove all the way from Salt Lake City, San Francisco and even Vegas to come to that show...usually about 5-8 thousand people. Thank you for reminding me of the fun of that.
and...HAPPY ALL HALLOWS EVE to The CW crew and all the comment posters and the lurkers as well.
Bravo Mel!
The songs had me tap-dancing in my fish-net stockings, but it was the herpes zoster line that really sent the shingles down my spine.
I have to say I find the second from the last kind of awesome.
The second one is a moon and a bat. Easy.
@mel: Holy Cow! Or Holy Cake! That took 'til WAY after midnight to write. Bravo!
The last one has obviously been designed for cooking Hungarian Ghoulash.
Second one made me think banananananana batman!
#2: The green stuff is the outline of a bat; the yellow stuff is supposed to be a crescent moon. Some things cannot be done with cupcakes.
I think the Yellow and black cupcake cake is suppose to be a crescent moon with a Bat flying by it.
Mel, you win ALL the internets! That's the best thing I've read in a comments thread all week.
Oh well done, Sam!
1st post @SuBee -- Did anyone else read the post & hear Rod Serling from the first few words? OK, I'm ready for guessing costumes for the trick-or-treaters after trying to figure out some of these wrecks. My favorite is the Banana Bat!
#3 Candy corn instead of sprinkles??? I want sprinkles.
Mel thank you for the Wrecky Horror! Amazing!
@mel: would that it were always midnight, my friend!
I believe the CCC (patooie!) in question is a dismembered Charlie Brown (you can just see his head in the upper right) who's torso is lying in a puddle of Reagan-from-the-Exorcist's projectile vomit.
I thought the TERRIFYING TP (heh. ahehe. Anyone else know Jeff Dunham? "What kind of terrorist are you?" - "A *terrifying*...terrorist."), anywho, the terrifying TP seemed to be wearing a barrette, but I think that is supposed to be a spider.
@FM: Oh, poop. Good luck with that. : - /
@SaraCVT: Congratulations on the new addition!
Usually I can sort of tell what the bakers were aiming for, terrible as the execution might be. But on the sixth one, I really have no idea. My best guess is that the Grinch asked Ursula the Sea Witch for an end to the noise, Noise, NOISE!!!, she gave him suitably ugly yellow-and-black ear mufflers, and then he went back on his word (and Who--heh, heh--didn't see THAT coming?) so she's about to stab him with her trident.
But it could be the ice cream thing, too. I really got nothin'.
Just Andrea: Thank you. Youngest was watching TV parked next to His Puppyness, and said, "Did you get that? Wasn't it funny?!" at a mild joke. I, not really paying attention, replied, "Yes, it was funny, wasn't it?" She then said sternly, "I WAS TALKING TO ALEX."
Whoops. Guess I got told.
Tomorrow is Halloween. I think I'll sit quietly in the dark outside (if it's not raining) ...and listen for the sweet, faint, and far away sounds of a saxophone wailing in the night...
Mmmmmm.... =^-.-^=
I love you Mel. I miss going to RHPS with my friends in high school! Ahhh, memories!
1st cakes - Eww.
2nd cake - It can't be the moon, everyone knows the moon is made of cheese, not cupcakes. So it's laser banana for the win! (And @Sam, that was hilarious!)
3rd cake - It's the eyelashes that make me keep laughing.
4th cake - I see a sad, mutant octopus. (Duopus?)
5th cake - The ghost of Professor Umbridge! (The spider barrette takes the place of her bow.)
6th cake - So THAT'S what Christmas trees wear for Halloween costumes. Got nothing on the trident, though. =-)
7th cake - Heyo, indeed.
8th cake - Do you suppose the bare cupcakes and frosted board are some sort of symbolic commentary on Halloween, a night when things usually to be feared are celebrated instead? Nah, me neither. But hey, there's sort of a Midgard Serpent thing going on amid all that clutter. I like that.
9th cake - The best part is, it looks like it has two noses.
And finally - @mel, all I can say is WOW. =-)
@mel: While I would never presume to add on to your masterpieces, this DID pop in my mind:
BRAD
It's beyond me
Mommy, help me
It'll be good (cross my pinkie)
Take this nightmare away
What's this, let's see
I feel anGRY
What's come over me?
Woo! Here it comes again
Rose tint my world
Keep me safe from my trouble and pain
Love the possessed stove burner! Maybe it goes with the haunted refrigerator from "Ghostbusters?"
Stunning post, Jen. My jaw has been sagging most unattractively since I first saw it.
Mel : superb. I am giving you a standing ovation with whoops and whistles!
The RHPS is a fave of mine, too. I saw it in Cardiff (UK) with Robin Cousins the ice skater as Frank-en-Furter, and he was fantastic! Happy memories...
Thank you mel. Now I just spent a good half hour on YouTube watching RHPS videos and playing the songs in the background while rereading your lyrics to the music. Your cleverness astounds. Perhaps you are Weird Al in cognito.
@ John Jacob: Thank you for that kind comment, but I am happy doing my commenting thing. There are some, like Sharyn, who can move smoothly from commenter to CW Crew and back again with ease, but I am more like an example of the Peter Principle – that’s the theory whereby people who are fine in one positon are moved to another position and then aren’t so fine…. But I appreciate the thought!
@ akathleen: Thank you. But fortunately, there isn’t, because we all find different things funny. And that’s one of the fun things about Cake Wrecks – because of all the diversity, everyone is bound to find something that tickles their funny bone!
@SuBee: Thanks, and I hope they enjoy it. And, in the Small World department, I also have offspring living in PA.
@mindy1: Well, not perfect, but I did have a good time. Thanks for your appreciation.
@Shekuse: I don’t know about magnum opus…and mostly my stuff is tour de “farce”…but I thank you for your very kind comment and your ovation, standing or otherwise. :-)
@Jodi: you are so welcome!
@Jodee: I’m sorry I took all your thoughts – I was thoughtless when I did that (though now I have yours, so maybe I’m not….now I’m thoughtful….) I don’t know how it happens, either…I just shake my head and see what falls out…usually marbles, and I’m sure I’ve lost all of mine by now…. And thank you for the grander ovation….
@ VaBeach alemaP: I’m so glad you enjoyed that little post; I’ve been wanting to do it for some time, and Halloween seemed like a good opportunity. My original idea was to do all the songs, but common sense prevailed (as it rarely does) and I stopped at three, which was probably one too many. But, brevity has never been my strong suit. I am envious of your RHPS outings. It sounds like it was so much fun! And to be able to do it several times is just amazing. Ah, the good old days…. A local group does it around here for a few week-ends, and it sells out about five seconds after they announce it, so I’ve never seen it. Of course, I have the movie and soundtrack and play them periodically. I’m glad I met your expectations (tough crowd, these fellow commenters….) and am happy to have been able to help you reconnect with your RHPS experiences. Thanks again for your kind comments.
@jackwire: tap dancing in your fishnets…you just never know what these little posts will lead to…. And sorry about your shingles….I lucked out with herpes zoster, that is, from a writing standpoint – not too many words rhyme with “froster”…. Thanks, and I enjoyed your comment – well done, well done….
@Sharyn: thank you…you are so kind…and yes, well past midnight…I kept thinking of little revisions as I was in bed, and then had to get up and jot them down….every time I thought I was done, I wasn’t….I think I’ll just repost The Craven on Halloween….thanks again for your kindness….
@Lady C: Thank you…I’m glad you enjoyed it. As for winning, well, I feel we all win when we come to Cake Wrecks ‘cause we all get to laugh, and laugh often, starting with Jen’s post right on through the comments. I did have fun with this, and thanks again for you comment.
@Lulu: you’re welcome – just a little Halloween madness….
@Just Andrea: wouldn’t that be a hoot!
@FM: so sorry about your Halloween “trick” and hope tomorrow brings a treat!
@sendingtheclowns: enjoy “the music of the night”…oh, wait…that’s next year’s post: The Phantom of the Cake Wrecks….
@SaraCTV: Congrats on the addition! (So…is that what they mean by living a dog’s life….? If so, I’d try it.) And I loved your recent post “joke” story! Also…I enjoyed your Brad addition! Thanks for playing!
@Michelle: Thank you for the CW love, and I’m glad you enjoyed the post…and I’m glad you have some great memories!
@Seabird: Thank you…I had fun with this and I’m pleased you liked it! It was a little longer and more involved than what I’ve done before, but still fun….
The 8th cake is SO WEIRD. PLEASE, SOMEONE, TELL ME WHAT IT IS!!!
But, I think it's some kind of live haunted house made out of cake because it's got windows.
It's weird, and I'll give all of you a countdown of 5 weird things on it.
5. There are those creepy eyes under the spider web.
4. I see six cupcakes and only two have frosting on them.
3. I also see too non-maching ghosts.
2. There's some kind of angry green worm on it.
1. Apparently, the "house" is barfing lava.
@R3Test - Fruit bat... LOL. Good one!
@SuBee - Nice!
@Rachel CrazyMum: Thank you for not only the ovation but also the whoops and whistles! I appreciate that. Also, I’m glad you got some happy memories, too. RHPS is definitely a Halloween treat!
@sue: I hope that was an enjoyable half-hour…. It was a fun bit to write, though there were moments of angst…took a while for it to come together…thank you for your kind remark, and while I’m weird, alas, I’m not Weird Al….