Wreck'd History: Columbus Day
October 13, 2014 Note from john (the hubby of Jen): Ya know, it's funny. The whole point of this blog is to make you smile. Maybe laugh a little. And because of that, Jen and I spend a good amount of time making sure we don't accidentally end up offending you and ruining your day since that would defeat the purpose. Of course, sometimes we fail. Like today.
I honestly didn't even know Columbus day was a big issue. (we avoid politics at all costs) I just took what I learned in history class 30 years ago, checked to make sure my facts were right, and paired it with some funny cakes. Now people are telling me that I'm evil and that I should "slither back to Europe." Good times.
So. If you want to read this post, please do it in the spirit it was written. And if you think you might be offended, go ahead and skip it. It's not worth ruining your day. Wreck On. -john
***
THE COMPLETELY TRUE STORY OF COLUMBUS DAY
told with cake
A long time ago, there was this guy named Christopher Columbus.
;)
He was kind of a schmuck.
Columbus wanted to sail around the world, so he met with King John II of Portugal:
;)
(It's a king cake. Try to keep up.)
...and asked the king for some boats and a crapton of money:
;)
Mmmm greeeeasy...
King John politely declined.
;)
Not to be discouraged, Columbus went to Spain and met with Ferdinand and Isabella, who were way cooler about the whole thing:
;)
"Dat voyage is WHACK!"
So they gave him everything he wanted and promised him the title of Admiral of the Seas because they figured he'd probably kill himself anyway.
;)
Columbus set sail, and eventually Rodrigo de Triana, a lookout on the Pinta, caught sight of land:
;)
Beautiful.
...but Columbus claimed he saw it first, because he was kind of a... well...
;)
Yeah. That.
Eventually, they made it to shore and called the "new discovery" San Salvador.
Meanwhile, the locals were like:
;)
That's when Chris noticed a few of the locals were wearing gold, and decided it was a good time to take them prisoner and/or kill them:
;)
Have I mentioned what a swell guy he was?
Then Columbus sailed around some more:
;)
...and eventually wrecked the Santa Maria.
;)
Bummer.
Sadly he didn't die, though, and went on to bring lots of wonderful things to the "new" world, like disease:
;)
...and other diseases:
;)
...and corn*.
;)
Which is why Columbus day is stupid.
So happy Canadian Thanksgiving, everyone!
;)
Gooble 'til you wooble!
Thanks to Gwynne O., Lisa, Becky B., Michelle B., Kasi K., Lizzy B., Melody, Judie V., Leicia G., Michael S., Laurel L., Michele D., Monique R., Sabrina P., Juanita G., and Leif E. for doing it right the first time.
(*Jen: "I don't think he brought corn..."
John: "Shhhhhh.")
*****
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Reader Comments (45)
Could you please post a link to your lesson plan and classroom materials? Shhh. Don't tell Colorado.
Thank you.
Yes, Lief Erikson and Bjarni Herjolfson did do it right the first time; They came, they saw, they fished a bit then buggered off.
They all laughed at Christopher Columbus when he said the world was round
They all laughed until Triane saw dry ground
They all laughed at those who greased his palm and sent him on his merry way
They told his shipmates they faced some sad fates. They sailed off anyway
They laughed when he brought them corn. They said it’s already here, it’s true
They didn’t count on the clap, or small pox, measles and the flu
They all said Columbus will not make it. He’ll sail away for goodness sake
But ha, ha, ha! Who’s got his own wrecked cake.
Ay, Columba! I do not doubt ANY of this story, hardly. But, fyi: The Native Americans were already there, and had already invented candy corn (which used to be called "politically incorrect corn"). =^-.-^=
Bwahahahaha :D also some of the money came from Jews fleeing spain due to the inqusition-including some of my possible ancestors
The natives actually gave syphilis to the Europeans. It was one STI that they were immune to, but Europeans weren't. Or it may have been a different strain than the one circulating around Europe… Yeah, Something like that. It's been a few years since I studied that particular part of the Columbian Exchange. Suffice it to say, the natives had a bit of revenge and it was in the form of a rather nasty STI, whichever one it was.
LOL My computer was barely spared coffee spewage on that "corn" cake! Shhhhhhh, indeed, that's sadly the prevailing attitude towards history. Side-note of interest: here in SD we don't have "Columbus Day." It's Native American Day. :)
A perfect way to start a rainy fall Monday: Story time!
The WTF cake, though plain, is not what I would call a wreck. It does fit nicely into your tale, and that's all we need.
I want to bring home that Canadian turkey -- he's sooooooo cute! I will love him and pet him and make him my friend, til I wooble.
And a happy Dia De La Raza and Happy Indigiousv People Day too! Loved the King Cake reference!
While there are doubters about what john(thoJ) said about Columbus bringing corn, it is, nevertheless, a little known, but totally true fact. Columbus was out hiking in the New World, and had this funny feeling he was being followed. He turned quickly and saw two of his officers behind him, Captains Bushel and Peck.
“Are you stalking me?” Columbus inquired.
“No, Kernel Columbus,” said Peck. “We’ve been trying to find you to show you something we discovered! Follow us!”
Columbus followed the men over the river and through the woods, to a small house in the village, where they met the local tribe’s Grandmother. She took them out back and showed them a huge garden filled with a strange, tall plant. The field went on for miles, and they could barley see the end.
“What is this?” asked Columbus.
“It is corn,” said the Grandmother. “You can eat it, and it someday it will give you gas.”
“I’m a-maized,” exclaimed Columbus. “Tell me more. I’m all ears.”
The Grandmother told him how to grow and harvest it. “Before you can eat it, you have to take off the outer leaves,” she said, her voice husky. “We usually have the tribe from Nebraska come and do that – they’re professionals.”
Columbus thanked the Grandmother, took a sack of seeds, and gave her $24 worth of beads, saying, “Now you can buy yourself an island.”
The men returned to camp to discuss this new plant. Some of the men were skeptical. “You put this in your yard? How will we mow around it? I’ll just be a pain in the grass! It will be too much of a tassel.” Some thought it was from the Devil, and sought divine guidance from the ship’s Pasture. Many feared this new food would fall into the hands of foreign nations, and were concerned about their seeds being stolen by King Wilhelm and the Germinates. One man wanted to write home to ask his Fodder what to do.
Although he had been quiet, Columbus could remain silage no more. That was the last straw. He was steaming, and under the pressure, well, the Kernel popped. “Hay,” he said, getting their attention. “We’re gonna do this! We’ll cob-ble together a plan and make it work.”
So, they took the seeds and headed home. Unfortunately, the Queen was not as receptive to the idea of this new food as Columbus had hoped. She took it to her Cabinet for counsel. They were not convinced; something about it went against their grain. This new food was not to take root. The Cabinet voted unanimously against it: corn was creamed and canned.
How is it that the "Congratulations" cake still looks like it's spelled wrong? Is it just because I'm so used to the wreckerators that I forgot how it's supposed to look?
O beautiful for spacious skies,
For amber waves of corn dripping in butter,
For chocolate-sprinkles mountain majesties
Above the fruited plain!
America! America!
God shed his grace on thee
And crown thy good with snarky comments
From sea to shining sea!
This is the MOST educational site. I learn something new every single time I visit. And here I thought that corn was brought to the new world by whales. So it's SYPHILIS that was brought by whales to the new world! Much clearer now.
What? No, I wasn't playing Candy Crush during class--I was paying attention.
Bwah! Lovely story John! I forgot it was Columbus Day, and ironically, I am working on a brief arguing why our local Indian reservation was diminished by an act of Congress in 1905 and that the Indians were justly compensated.
(Hey! Quit throwing corn! (Cake)! It's my job!
I couldn't help noticing in our local paper, the list of places closed on this "holiday":
OPEN:
Schools
Federal courts
Post offices
State offices
County offices/courts
Colleges
Garbage on regular schedule
Public schools
Libraries
Buses on regular schedule
DMV
Vehicle emissions testing
Public utilities
New York Stock Exchange, NASDAQ, etc.
Newspapers
CLOSED:
Banks
Hmmmm...it could be argued that they're being kind of schmucks, too.
Deirdre, I took a second look at "Congratulations" too. I figured there had to be an error in there somewhere!
Came for the gold--stayed for the sprinkles.
Weebles wooble but they don't fall down?
That was hysterical! I love tongue in cheek humor that is steeped in a decent amount of truth. Loved this!!!!!
True story: corn is in 75% of everything the normal American eats. Try finding a cake box mix that doesn't have dextrose, malodextrose, corn starch, or corn syrup in it. Corn is known to cause horrible bone issues - most American Indian skeletons from the time of contact and before show huge amounts of wear on their teeth due to the corn based diet -where corn was grown. Think about it, is something that can fuel your car, be made into plastic, and used as Halloween decorations really something you want to eat?
So I'm all for counting it as a something bad. :-)
I would totally gooble that little turkey up. He's adorable.
Yay, Canada!
Bwahaha! Love it! Did anyone else notice the Sorry You're Dead "cake" wasn't really cake at all, but just a bunch of icing smeared on an upside down cookie sheet pan? And is a gooble similar to a twerk? LOL
A masterpiece on all fronts!
Aww, thanks Mel, it's so nice to see my home state of NE getting the recognition it deserves. Dang, now I want corn.
I do not wear heels because I am a Weeble and I Wooble!
I'm dying to know the story behind some of these wrecks, like the "Sorry you're dead" and the Disco King with Queen Who Looks Like She Needs to Go to The Bathroom Immediately.
OMGEEEEE! this may be my favorite post yet. More Wreck'd History please!!! and THANK YOU!! I think I might move to Canada now.
I know someone who was almost named Allan Scott S...., until his parents realized what his initials would spell. He is now Allan Paul S... .
SaraCVT: schools are closed where I live, but it's tagged as a teacher work day, not Columbus Day.
Brilliant! Better than what I was taught in school.
I usually think of it this way- the Indigenous peoples of the Caribbean discovered Columbus and 3 shiploads of lost sailors!
Is it sad that the "Sorry you're dead" cake looked misspelled to me because I'm so used to people using the wrong "your?"
@SaraCVT ~ Our local post office is closed here as well. That doesn't stop people from parking in our lot (my office is next door to the downtown post office). It also doesn't stop people from being dumb and hitting the planter in front of our building, leaving a HUGE dent in their bumper, and driving off, flipping a U-turn in front of the sheriffs office and almost causing another wreck. Not that I'm traumatized or anything... O.O
Thanks so much for the history lesson john (fok-thoJ <~the fok TOTALLY fits here!!!) and @mel. We know everything you said is true because it's on the internet and the internet doesn't lie. o.O
.
HA HA H A. I just love your Facebook page and look forward to it constantly. Keep em coming and thanks for the laughs.
@mel, this proud Husker sends a friendly wave from The Cornhusker State to you and @Laura, and says Thanks for the mention! GO HUSKERS!!!!
I was already laughing so hard I was crying from the post… then I read Mel's comment. I shall achieve nothing else for the rest of the day.
SuBee, as a life-long fan of Astaire and Rogers, I thank you. (As a Canadian, I give thanks to you.)
I held it together until I hit the Wooble. The cat thinks I'm insane...
It was smallpox that the Europeans so generously shared with the indigenous peoples of the Americas, first inadvertently, then, more diabolically, on purpose in trading blankets. The Europeans took in return gold, tobacco, tomatoes and, yup, corn. But the latter was the least successful there.
@Laura and @TLC: Friendly greetings to you both from the Land of Lincoln! Happy to mention Nebraska – I lived in Scottsbluff for about two years some time ago.
@Jodee: Thank you. And I can assure you, I stand behind every fact I make up.
@Fluffy Cow: We all come here to laugh…and really, isn’t that enough of an achievement for the day? Glad you enjoyed the post.
Oh man cannot catch my breath I am laughing so hard. If only this was taught in school lmao I could just imagine the responses of the parents. I loved this post lol good job :D.
Thanks for the Thanksgiving Day wishes.
What I'm dying to know is, did Ferdinand and Isabella ever find someone to clean the poo off the throne room floor so they could read the secret hidden message in red icing written on it?
If you don't like that Columbus guy, why are you still living in the Americas? Shouldn't you put your money where your mouth is and slither back to Europe?
[Editor's note- Wow. Ya know what's funny? I had no idea this was that big of a deal for people. I honestly thought at this point in time, we saw Columbus as a conqueror who came and messed up a perfectly pleasant society. Plus, everything I said was true! (aside from the corn thing) Huh. Well. Nobody's ever told me to go back to Europe before. I'm sorry that this post made you say such a thing, GodisGreat. -john]
GodisGreat: check out http://theoatmeal.com/comics/columbus_day
Thanks John! another funny post from you guys
The monogrammed wedding cake is exactly why I dont use my maiden name as part of my monogram!