Just Clowning Around
August 7, 2013 Hey, remember when clowns were funny, endearing creatures that delighted young children with their crazy antics and playful innocence?
Yeah, me neither.
;)
"I WILL EAT YOUR SOUL."
Believe it or not, I used to BE a clown. I'm talking face paint, balloon animals - the works. I realize that automatically makes me creepy and terrifying, but as a five-foot-tall, pigtail-wearing geek girl, I'm actually Ok with that.
;)
"FEAR ME!!"
"Oh, and could you grab the Cheerios off the top shelf? I can't reach."
You're probably wondering how children reacted to me as a clown, since everyone knows clowns only exist to obtain your internal organs in as bloody a method as possible - which they will then juggle in front of you, cackling, while an out-of-tune calliope churns slowly in the background and you're surrounded by fun house mirrors and porcelain dolls with empty eye sockets who somehow seem to be getting closer... and closer...
;)
Sorry, where was I?
Oh, right. The kids.
To be honest, I spent my clowning days way more scared of children than they ever were of me. You see, children are very small. And fast. And when you present a pack of them with a single defenseless clown holding an excessively large bag of free candy, children can make the Hunger Games look like an episode of Mister Rogers.
;)
Little Known Fact: clowns bleed squirty flowers.
And if you think a headless clown is unsettling, imagine a huge pile of nothing but clown heads.
Or better yet, just look at this:
;)
(Ok, so maybe "better" wasn't the right word...)
Now imagine it slowly rotating, while a music box tinkles in the next room, and the door behind you creeeaks open to reveal a pale little girl with black, staring eyes, who suddenly shrieks...
"Happy Clown Week!"
Now, who wants cake?
Thanks to Anony M., Liz M., Dena R., Kristina K., & Carrie M., who dare you to look at this clown I found in a local arcade here in Orlando. That's right: THEY DARE YOU. Me, I'll just be whimpering over here in the corner...
Reader Comments (67)
I was never scared of clowns, but this put me close to that fear...
Now, children, children,
it's a clown-eat-clown world, so
let's start practicing.
Okay, I give up. Why are there roses, wedding bells and ballerinas on the clown head cake?
It's so hard to type when I'm huddled in a closet under all the coats, just in case there's a band of marauding clowns out there.
Did the organ harvesting comment make anyone else think if Steve Martin in "Parenthood", making a balloon "animal" in desperation, staring at the inexplicable results, and declaring, "You lower intestines" to a group of cheering 9 year olds?
All the clowns are dead. I don't know if that makes it better or worse.
"Pee Wee's Big Adventure" -- 'nuff said
Why do wreckorators insist on making black Xs or crosses for clown eyes? Clowns must truly be from the dark side.
(cheerfully singing)....send in the clowns...(sees post, stops, look of horror)...oh...no...don't...don't...please DON'T.....
I did some clowning myself back in the day, and we referred to small children as Compys--those little dinosaurs you see in Jurassic Park that show up one at a time, all cute and looking for treats, then call all their friends over to swarm over you and eat you alive.
Bumper sticker: My Clown Will Eat Your Honor Student's Soul
There is a "thing" going around facebook about sharing your fears. I won't do it. One it's inviting trouble. Two, several of my friends are (working on becoming) professional clowns, and if I confessed to this, it might really hurt their feelings. (And someone else would get really, really mean. Because there is always one of those people.)
Although, maybe I'll just share this with them , to explain why I can't stand clowns anymore.?
You know, I usually like to critique the cakes, but this time--not going to look again, because I'd like to sleep sometime this week.
Wicked post, Jen!
Funny, I was never scared of clowns, but this site is helping me cultivate a healthy fear of clown cakes... o_O
Not only will that first clown eat your soul it will kick your ass!
I couldn't even look at that last cake without hearing someone chanting the bible backward. Weird. I wonder if I should get my ears checked?
killer klowns from outer space.
best.
film.
evar.
I feel like I had a pie thrown in my face.
Then the clowns ate it off.
<shudder>
So is the first clown celebrating Shark Week?
Does anyone remember the episode of the Simpsons where Homer builds that clown bed for Bart when he was 2 or 3? Yeah, that first clown reminds me of that bed.
Homer: I know you like clowns so I made you this bed, now you can laugh yourself to sleep!
*Door closes, Bart turns to face the bed"
Creepy Clown Bed: If you should die before you wake...*evil cackle*
Bart: *shivering* Can't sleep, clown'll eat me, can't sleep, clown'll eat me!
Given the juxtaposition of the blank-eyed undead clowns with blue parasols and the bell-thingies, on the bottom tier of that last wreck, I have suddenly decided that no, no I DON'T actually want to know what those fleshy-looking bits inside the bell-thingies might be...
"We ALLLLLL float down here, Frankie..."
Did anybody notice that the next to the last clown doesn't have a head?
and I'll admit it, TERRIFIED of clowns, especially the happy face ones.
There once was a clown with sharp teeth,
whose head was ensconced in a wreath.
With eyes black as coal,
he threatened my soul,
so I stood back and munched on a Heath.
I'm not coulrophobic, but some of those -- and the dared-to-look-at pictures -- are pretty creepy.
And my mom wonders why I am convinced clowns are evil. Hmm, I should send her this post so she can be enlightened as well. Hilarious commentary as usual, Jen!
Today I learned how to spell "calliope". Thanks, Cake Wrecks! Educational.
Your first description of clowns actually sent a chill down my spine. That was like all my irrational fears wrapped up in one tidy and horrifying package.
Both of my children found all of these completely unfrightening. My little one (a rarely verbal 2-year-old boy) actually saw the first one and responded, "Haha! Iss funny!"
I don't know what's wrong with these children.
The next time you're at WDW take a ride on Small World. In the white room, right near the ferris wheel, there's a clown in a hot air balloon that wants your soul. *shudder*
Can't sleep clowns will eat me :{
Can't sleep... clowns will eat me. Can't sleep... clowns will eat me. Can't sleep... clowns will eat me. Can't sleep... clowns will eat me. Can't sleep... clowns will eat me. Can't sleep... clowns will eat me. Can't sleep... clowns will eat me.
This post will keep me up all night!
I was frightened by a clown very early in life. It was my mother.
Aside from that, ya think we've watched too many horror movies?
"A clown is my friend...a clown will not bite me and throw me in the basement... a clown is not a big spider..."
Eeewwww!
You are hilarious!
(Waving dessert fork) I'm not scared of you, clown. Mwahahaha!
Lisa H. - I've contended for years that Pennywise was WAAAAAAAYYYY scarier when he was "Tim Curry in Creepy Clown makeup".
After he turned into "Giant Spider Crab of Doom", my only reaction was to speculate how he'd taste boiled up in Old Bay and served with a side of garlic butter...
Yes, that first cake is truly scary. The headless clown cake is so weird it defies logic.
That last cake, though, is horrifying. Not because it's scary. Because it is actually holding all that flotsam and remaining upright! Is it actually made of styrofoam for show, and they'll bring out an actual sheet cake to cut and serve?
But Jen, I think seeing is believing, Sure, you WANT us to believe that you actually were a clown. But where's the proof? I think we need a photo or two or three.
Chant with me, everyone: PHO-TO, PHO-TO, PHO-TO, PHO-TO. . . . . .
Ok, I don't get the whole coulrophobia thing (though I do wonder why it couldn't simply have been called clownophobia or maybe Bozophobia), but #4 could convince me otherwise.
[Apropos of nothing, was anyone hearing the 'music' from the basement carousel in 'Super Mario 64' as the soundtrack to all of this? No? Me neither.]
#5 has me wondering what is the technical term for "fear of choking on some bit of flotsam that was overlooked as the server was being mobbed by the entire population of "It's a Small World." Also wondering why the bell thing at bottom left has the faint suggestion of a face inside.
Number 5 is alive.
Wedding bells?
I, too, was confused by the fleshy bits, but I was wondering what badminton shuttlecocks---
oh, nevermind...
I have a clown jumpsuit. It was handmade for me for a wedding in which I was a maid of honor. The fabric is a soft, flowered, green cotton print. NO big "Goofy" shoes, NO hat, NO rubber nose, NO hideous poof wig (in other words, NO Ronnie MacD; who is just *capital C-reepy*, in MY o.) It was a "fun" wedding (if you like weddings; I do not.) And NO, there is no "point" to get to here, just as there is no point (OR raison d'etre) for these pitiful wastes of bakery-time. The luckiest one is the one with no head. No head=no eyes with which to see the company it keeps...
=^e.e^=
Can't Sleep: The Clowns will Eat Me
Love the segue from the Headless Clown cake to the cake covered with clown heads!!
Hah, I'm not afraid of those cakes. I have a knife, and they don't have working hands (or legs). They will be rendered harmless when I chop them into little slices and serve them with a scoop of ice cream on the side.
With the possible exception of the last cake. Is there a clown head plastic pick that wasn't used on that cake? You could break a tooth on that thing.
I don't fear clowns, I loathe clown. There is a difference; loathing is healthy fear. I passed it along to my son, who overcame it by learning balloon animals and going full-on clown, make-up and everything. My MIL was not a good painter, and once painted a clown with about 100 small teeth...really creepy. So now my son (he's 32, with kids, btw) has secretly snuck that painting into friends houses...actually replaces one of their pictures on a wall somewhere IN THEIR HOME. I can only blame myself.
Y'know, when I was a kid - I loved Emmett Kelly and Clarabelle on TV, but whenever we went to the circus of the fair and there were real clowns, I only wanted to stay as far away from them as humanly (and humanely) possible. I spent much of my childhood wondering what was wrong with me, that I didn't like clowns. None of my friends or family seemed to mind them...
You should've seen me in cake decorating class, when we had to use those disembodied clown heads and make a cake crawling all over with icing-bodied circus workers. Never even sampled that one! Hubby and kids liked it, though. Hmmm.
Then the internet was born, and I discovered that I AM NOT ALONE!!! There are other people who don't like clowns! I'm not nuts, I'm normal! Thank you, fellow coulrophobiacs, for reassuring me that I'm not actually nuts.
Well, no more than I ever was, anyway.
And there isn't ONE of these cakes that encourages me to feel otherwise about the pancake-makeup-covered funnypeople.
Why are people so afraid of clowns?
No head...and no bones, hands or feet, either. Clowns don't frighten me, but that cake sure does.
Sweet mother of terrifying greasepaint.
The last one has me mesmerized.
Was THAT meant to be served at baby shower? It could induce premature labor from the fright.
And what is that emerging from that blue glob o' buttercream leaves on the topmost terror inducing plastic head? It looks like it ought to be removed by a qualified surgeon. And are those sideways bells supposed to be horns? What ARE those fleshy looking spheres in the center of them?
"Look at Cake Wrecks...relax...have a laugh", I said to myself.
Sleep? Who needs sleep?
Jen, can you PLEEEEEEEEEESE come over and check for...clown like things...under my bed tonight? Gulp.
@cbb:
("Did anybody notice that the next to the last clown doesn't have a head?")
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I don't know about you, but if something's not there, I can't SEE it. II'M only a human. If YOU can see something that isn't there, you must have special powers! I salute you!
=^~.-^=
The clowns ate my earlier post. O.O
I'll just go huddle in a corner and try not to think about my newfound fear of clowns. Thanks a lot Jen!
And for those of you that haven't yet, DO NOT click on that other link! JUST SAY NO!!!
I'm currently rewatching Boston Legal from the beginning (Denny Crane!), and I was just picturing what Alan's reaction would be if he saw these clowns (he has coulrophobia, for you poor souls who have never experienced the epicness that is Boston Legal). The clown episode: priceless!
Also, all creepy clowns now make me think of a quote from a Mystery Science Theater 3000 episode (I believe it was The Screaming Skull), referring to the dull, drab paint job in a bedroom: "It was either the gray paint or the clown wallpaper!" That made me spit all over my computer.