Just Clowning Around
August 7, 2013 Hey, remember when clowns were funny, endearing creatures that delighted young children with their crazy antics and playful innocence?
Yeah, me neither.
;)
"I WILL EAT YOUR SOUL."
Believe it or not, I used to BE a clown. I'm talking face paint, balloon animals - the works. I realize that automatically makes me creepy and terrifying, but as a five-foot-tall, pigtail-wearing geek girl, I'm actually Ok with that.
;)
"FEAR ME!!"
"Oh, and could you grab the Cheerios off the top shelf? I can't reach."
You're probably wondering how children reacted to me as a clown, since everyone knows clowns only exist to obtain your internal organs in as bloody a method as possible - which they will then juggle in front of you, cackling, while an out-of-tune calliope churns slowly in the background and you're surrounded by fun house mirrors and porcelain dolls with empty eye sockets who somehow seem to be getting closer... and closer...
;)
Sorry, where was I?
Oh, right. The kids.
To be honest, I spent my clowning days way more scared of children than they ever were of me. You see, children are very small. And fast. And when you present a pack of them with a single defenseless clown holding an excessively large bag of free candy, children can make the Hunger Games look like an episode of Mister Rogers.
;)
Little Known Fact: clowns bleed squirty flowers.
And if you think a headless clown is unsettling, imagine a huge pile of nothing but clown heads.
Or better yet, just look at this:
;)
(Ok, so maybe "better" wasn't the right word...)
Now imagine it slowly rotating, while a music box tinkles in the next room, and the door behind you creeeaks open to reveal a pale little girl with black, staring eyes, who suddenly shrieks...
"Happy Clown Week!"
Now, who wants cake?
Thanks to Anony M., Liz M., Dena R., Kristina K., & Carrie M., who dare you to look at this clown I found in a local arcade here in Orlando. That's right: THEY DARE YOU. Me, I'll just be whimpering over here in the corner...
Reader Comments (67)
@Craig:
I completely concur; a "fear of choking on some bit of flotsam that was overlooked as the server was being mobbed by the entire population of It's a Small World" SHOULD have a techy name. And a "VERY" one, as well ...SIGH...and in a perfect world, it would. But lacking one of those, I pose that we simply refer to your phenomenon as the "Crap-Music-Crowd-Control-Clown-Conundrum," (or "Craig's Conundrum," for short) and call it a day. Anyone want to second this?
=^-.-^= Me!Me! (That's twice, and thus "seconded", sir. May I be the first to bow?)
Star, your son sounds like a real doll! While I don't like "traditional " clowns, I think your son's creepy clown caper is,well, CUTE. I would feel "honored" to have that happen to me. You must be so proud! =^~.~^=
When I was 5 years old my mother dressed up as a clown for my birthday party. I was friends with a sweet pair of twin boys at the time and I can STILL see the terror in their eyes upon seeing my mum, clinging to their own mother, eyes as big as plates as they hid behind her and tried to back away. She sheepishly apologized and escorted her children back home.
Now I'm an adult half of me wants one of the above cakes - the other half of me is muttering, "I'm going to have nightmares for weeks. Clowns are going to drown me in frosting in my dreams..."
I have to say that that last cake is amazing in a twisted, sadistic, evil laugh sort of way!
Well, I did click on the link. Reminds me of 'The Waxwork' by A. M. Burrage. Evidently, 'Stinky' needs some restoration; someone stole the 13-inch butcher knife and the part that makes the head turn in a complete circle has to be replaced. Needs to be updated with a proximity sensor so that he moves when someone dares to take a closer look...
I'm SEEING the clown-with-no-head cake, but HEARING Billy Idol's "Eyes Without a Face." (Or maybe what's happening is that I'm seeing the cake and hearing "Clown Without a Head.") Oh, well. Nice tune, anyhoo.
=^-.-^=
P.S.@ Craig: I was GOING to listen to that music you aren't hearing, but you went into denial, so I can't. Hrumph! See if I share MY unheard stuff with YOU again. I agree with you on the coulrophobic/just-call-it-a-freaking-fear-of-clowns angle, 100&6/5%! Thinking up complicated names for faddish, and/or plain stupid, Big Deal of the Week stuff is just lame! I think we should all revolt! Hey, look! the cakes have started without us! (They were ALREADY revolting...get it?).
=^>.<^=
@ Patti: Call me crazy, but my wild guess would be that it's a wedding cake.
@Holly Folly: Maybe you should get your ears AND your eyes checked. And stop looking at that cake! Don't listen to it, either! We can't have people acting sanely around here--we have our reputations to think of!
=^e.e^=
Oh how I knew I shouldn't have mentioned clown cakes. Now I have IT stuck in my head and an urge to kill these cakes with fire balls lol. Never feared clowns until Stephen King set me straight. Ahh wreckerators how I hope these cakes haunt you.
Smithsonian.com happens to have an absolutely fascinating article this week called "The History and Psychology of Clowns Being Scary"
http://www.smithsonianmag.com/arts-culture/The-History-of-Scary-Clowns (I don't know how to do a linky thingy here, so there you go)
Not only is it an in-depth analysis of what it is about clowns that many of us fear, but it's got a great history of clowns and clowning, including the fact that until fairly recently, clowning had always been more for adults and made fun of darker aspects of life. Which lends itself to the idea that we are somehow inherently aware that no matter how cutesy and funny a clown does themselves up, they're... disturbing. I'm not afraid of them in the least, except for ones that are *supposed* to be scary (i.e., Pennywise, Killer Clowns From Outer Space,etc.), I just find them goofy and annoying. Now, the clown doll in "Poltergeist", THAT was messed UP, but not so much because it was a clown as that it was a DOLL come to life to KILL. Dolls freak me out WAY more than clowns, with their dead eyes, waiting til you fall asleep to crawl into your bed. THEY THINK I DON'T KNOW.
Your Pal,
Storm
'If it was funny, clowns wouldn't be doing it.' - Sir Terry Pratchett. Who am I to argue?
I do not like clowns, and I've never watched a horror movie that features them. There is just something intrinsically creepy about anything that has one face painted on and another face entirely underneath it.
Brrrrr... pass the pastry fork, I need to wreak some havoc.
I don't have a fear of clowns. But the wrecks, as usual, are great!
The most terrifying "clown" is at our local apple orchard. Every fall someone dresses up like a real-life scarecrow. The first time I saw him he was sitting in a corner and thought "Wow, that's a cool scarecrow." Then he got up and walked out the door! Thank goodness he wasn't near me! He's there every year for the apple festival, so this year I will try to snap a picture of him and send it to you! Maybe there's a cake out there worse than him?
Don't forget the other reason why we can't like clowns anymore: insane clown posse. Or jugaloos? Anyway you end up with photos like this:
http://awkwardfamilyphotos.com/2013/08/06/insane-clown-posse-2/
Jen, I almost feel as if you're trying to give me coulrophobia. I remember being freaked out by the creepy arcade clown back when you first posted it, but this:
"clowns only exist to obtain your internal organs in as bloody a method as possible - which they will then juggle in front of you, cackling, while an out-of-tune calliope churns slowly in the background and you're surrounded by fun house mirrors and porcelain dolls with empty eye sockets who somehow seem to be getting closer... and closer..."
. . . seriously close to sealing the deal.
the movie Poltergeist was the first time I was afraid of a clown doll. still creeps me out- out of that whole movie- it's the clown doll.
Hmm...never found clowns scary but movies, YES. ...And that's why I *NEVER* watched the Poltergeist movies! You name it, I missed it. Friday the 13th series? Nope - not a single movie. Nightmare on Elm Street series? Ditto. The Fog? Nuh-uh. X-Files? NO WAY!!! (Ok, I watched a couple...that I read about *before* I watched them.) Those vampire movies? Ix-nay. Heck, I didn't watch anything scary or read any Steven King after seeing JAWS and Prophecy in the 70s. Never again. Never saw Alien...but did watch AlienS after my brother egged me to do it. BIG mistake. Every time I fell asleep I dreamed they were in my house. One time I escaped just to see my mom go inside..."Don't, Mom! Aliens are in there!" "No, honey. You're imagining things." (I managed to tell myself to wake up & I spent the rest of the night (3am til ?) cleaning house until it was time to go to work!)
That headless clown one is weird, though. I mean, why? Could the wreckerator not draw a clown head/face?! Why a bouquet of flowers in place of a head? Does the wreckerator have a vision problem?! Just don't get it...
As usual, I've been traveling and am posting this too late, but the very day this was posted, NPR had a story about fear of clowns:
http://www.npr.org/2013/08/06/209494071/fear-of-clowns-yes-its-real
Hope you read this, Jen, and get to use it sometime.
I don't find any of these cakes, or the clown in that link, creepy at all. Maybe if there was a spider... actually, a spider would make me scream.