The All-Male Wreck Review
February 21, 2013 [Note: Mildly risque jokes & images ahead. And one banana hammock.]
We all live in fear of an embarrassing photo popping up on Facebook, but it turns out there's an even WORSE place for those best-forgotten candids to turn up:
;)
Your birthday cake.
(And, ok, yeah - then on an internationally-known blog about bad cakes, but still.)
I used to think edible photos were the worst invention since the Steering Wheel Desk
;)
Humiliating drunk guys who take their clothes off.
Yep, edible images are the best thing to happen to passive-aggression since the Post-It note. How else can you get back at the guy who showed up early, drank all the Zima, and then passed out in your mom's favorite arm chair and peed himself?
;)
Remember, revenge is a dish best served iced - and there is a lot of icing...IN CAKE.
;)
I would comment on the misspellings, but it's hard to concentrate with big nipples staring you in the face.
Which I guess explains why employers block so much of the Internet at work, huh?
(HEYO.)
Of course, not all guys need alchohol to get a little frisky in front of the camera:
;)
Must. Not. Make. "Horny." Joke...
And once you hit your ninety-something-th birthday, I know exactly what you want to see:
Not bad, not bad...but can we get some kind of a wild cat in here? And maybe a mullet?
;)
Purrrfect.
I feel like we're straying off the drunken path, though. See, what we *really* need is something with a clown wig, a little Crisco, and a HUGE...
;)
...oh. Rats.
Ok, never mind.
Thanks to Angie B., Kimberly E., Julie C., Christy M., Stacey H., Sarah T., Katherine M. & Aaron for the full Monte Crisco. It was delicious.
Reader Comments (52)
The nipples follow you...
The cake, then Cake Wrecks,
and then Facebook through Cake Wrecks,
then yearly review.
Sung to "Home on the Range"
Oh, give me a cake
Where the guys are half-baked
Where the thongs and the wet Levis play
With nipples, my word, and a guy from a herd
Great job, is your wild cat OK?
Oh! Oh! How deranged!
Too bad Mom lost that picture so strange.
Perhaps now they've baked, a discouraging cake
Hey, guys, put the Zima away.
I just wouldn't want the piece of cake with the picture of the chest hair or, worse yet, armpit hair.
These make me glad that I lived out my youth before the time of the interwebs.
And edible paper.
Craig is yummy and delicious. Er... I mean his cake. -shifty eyes-.
You'll never believe this, but I think I know the guy on the first cake! He looks just like an old friend of my husband's... they've lost touch so I can't confirm, but the resemblance is really eerie.
Hey! Since when is 30 over the hill?! That means I've been going DOWNHILL for over a decade now!
Wrecks where the blame can all be blamed on the customer. (Save for the one minor misspelling)
And....ummm....does Craig have a rash or some type of irritation?
Sara, wearing a lizard will do that to you.
Cathy - I was thinking the same thing. "Who wants a nice big piece of hairy pit??" *gag*
These wrecks make me want to give up cake for Lent.
Sarav, I think those are "flames" from the underwear O_o I can only imagine the copious amounts of booze it took for the guys to act like ths D:
Sharyn and Haikujoy perfect XD
Wow. Two consecutive posts where the balloons look like balloons and not like spermatozoa.
SuBee -- I'm with you!
OMG, I am on hold with Apple Tech Support while reading this and they're never going to understand why I'm laughing so hard. . . . .
That "Save a Cowboy" cake is absolutely priceless. I want to know who dropped this guy into the photo. And who created that icing border. One of very few times that icing has actually looked unappealing.
@SaraV, I also wondered about Craig's red spot. I think it's the tongue of the green animal depicted on his undergarment. I was too afraid/chicken to blow up the photo and look.
BTW Jen, you have done a great public service for parents today. I have a son who's 18, and I've given him many lectures about being careful with what you post to the Interwebs. (We web designers have an extra layer of paranoia built in.) Now I have the perfect lecture: "Be careful what you post or it could end up on a CAKE!" He would love it, however, if it ended up on Cake Wrecks, so that's not a threat.
I think I just threw up a little.
I cannot stop staring at the unicorn guy. I mean, this was not a candid shot made in a moment of drunkenness. He put on that outfit, posed (in a studio), etc.
BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!! Oooohh, I *SO* wish I had a photo of my friend's ex. He is a *total* jerk. Would LOVE to embarass him like this! Hmmm...perhaps she still has a photo or two that she hasn't shredded yet... I do have one of my hubby from waaaay back but he'd just *die* if I posted it & I love him too much.
Props to Unicorn man for looking so proud of his bad *ss self. He looks you straight in the eye..."Hey Babe, check this out! I can take it, if you know what I mean...I'm ready to ride and built to laaast!"
Sharyn - PRICELESS!
zoomom - you & me both, sister. (Dang, another coincidence! :-) Could we be twins separated @ birth?! Was your family living in Houston a long, long time ago? ;-)
Wildcat mullet man
Tragic guy as unicorn
No longer want cake.
Yay, CW meets Awkward Family Photos! And yeah, The Wrath of Khan.
The unicorn cake is glorious. I want my next birthday cake to look exactly like that.
Cake Wrecks and haiku.
A match made in heaven--or
Bad cakes, short poems.
LMBO!!! Love the absurdity of these cakes! Hahahahaha!!
While viewing some of those latter wrecks, did anybody else hear playing in their mind bahm-chicka-bahm-bahm-buh-bahm-buh or similar unmentionable music?
--Jordan's birthday is next week, let's get a cake and throw him a party.
--Ooh! Let's get one of those photo cakes. You know, the one with the edible picture on it?
--Sounds good.. Does anyone have a picture of Jordan?
--I've got one that will embarrass the snot out him, especially if his parents show up.
--Hey, that is PERfect! We'll use it, but only if I can have a slice with that pee stain on it.
I have my doubts that 'lost photo' was actually lost.......
Unicorn guy is the ever fabulous David Mason, creative force behind Slick-it-Up.
I think the unicorn poses (yes there's more than one) may have been part of one of his OTT ad campaigns.
Gentle warning - his websites are definitely NSFW so don't go googling until you're safely at home and don't even go there if you're easily (or even moderately) offended.
@Chris-I absolutely did. I just didn't know how to write out
"bahm-chicka-bahm-bahm-buh-bahm-buh," so thank you!!
Unicorn guy looks waaaay too much like my ex-husband. So. bonus - got reminded again *why* he's my ex! :-)
Sharyn - Your song is most excellent!
Joan - Your haiku? Terrific!
Man hair on frosting....man hair on frosting....man hair on frosting. Ew. Ewwww. I'm fritzing out over here from the grossness!
Oh God! If all cakes were wrecks like this I would lose SO much weight! Although I LOVE Unicorn Guy. He's FABU-LOUS! And "full Monte Crisco"? ROFL, too many puns. I bow before the master.
Have you guys not seen that "my little Brony" unicorn pic??? It's been ALL OVER the interwebz. I kinda think that cake's kind of awesome in it's atrocity!! Man, these are awful!
These give a new meaning to Beefcakes......!
Not. One. Word.
My question is... When did 30 become over the hill?
"Brown Chicken, Brown Cow...." If y' know what I mean... Say n' more, say n' more... Wink's as good as a nudge to a guy in a "Brony" costume...
Here's what happened as I read today's post:
Cake #1: Mmmkay.
Cake #2: *rolls eyes* Har har.
Cake #3: Oooooo, ouch.
Cake #4: Heh. Well then.
Cake #5: ...
NOPE. *walks away*
Now excuse me while I go gargle some Brain Bleach.
Trying to catch up and I totally posted everything on yesterdays post! Ack!!!
Just spent 4 days at hospital with my oldest girl child.
Wreck #2 ~ Ummm... Craig??? o.O Please say it ain't so!
I must go find the brain bleach now.
At last we know the answer to "What do you get your My Little Pony-loving daughter when she turns 21?" The perfect fusion of beefcake and ponies!
Either that or some nine-year-old's gonna be really confused . . .
I wasn't concerned that #2 was for "our" Craig since that dude's clearly not 7 feet tall and (as a former wrestling team "manager" in 7th grade) not in a proper wrestling position.
While I'm grateful #1 did NOT have a hole in his crotch I'm thinking that would have been helpful to if #3 if he'd had one...
KAHHHHHHNNNNNN!!
P.S. the Pokemon nipple cake was better than #4.
Did anyone else notice on the 30th birthday cake there was a tombstone? LMFAO!!
Y'all DO know what the story actually is with Unicorn Guy, right? (looks around for children) Um... let's just say that this particular kink has been around for awhile. Quite awhile. Since long, long before the net. The little hooves are the giveaway.
Yikes! Most if not all of these cakes made me want to shriek and run from the room. Lol. Wow. I bet the recipients of these will really love the embarassment of no one wanting a piece of any of it lol.
To add to the awesomeness of these cakes, the banner ad on the side of my screen was from Almay makeup, advertising their "Bold Nudes" shades of makeup. Hysterical! It's really hard to choose a favorite cake, but I think the unicorn one pretty much conquers everything ever.
The unicorn is named David Mason. He designs and sells fetish wear at a site called Slick It Up and has a blog called House of Vader. Both are NSFW.
No worries. That guy isn't me. Further more, I'm not him.
@Jodee in WA, I trust everything is ok.
Yeahhhh...that whole unicorn/horse thing is called Pony Play. People wear hoof shaped boots and harness, pull little carriages and have "trainers."
How do I know this, you ask? Never do an internet search on who designs Lady Gaga's clothes.
Woah. Ouch. Who would want to eat all that hair, anyways?
And Sharyn, Oh, Oh, how deranged! Are my favorite "changed lyrics" of the year. :D
This was Cake Wrecks, Passive-Aggressive Notes, and Awkward Family Photos rolled into one hilariously convenient post! Nice!