Oh Tannen Bums
December 19, 2013 Don't sweat it, bakers; this month is going to be easy as pie. All you've gotta do is load up on super simple holiday designs!
You know, like Christmas trees:
;)
and candy canes:
;)
Or Christmas trees:
;)
(I see the side silhouette of Ben Franklin. You?)
And strands of lights:
;)
[rubbing temples] Or Christmas trees:
;)
And stockings:
;)
Or... Christmas trees?
;)
Ooh, hey, or presents! Right? Can't get easier than a square with a bow on it!
;)
Never mind.
[gritting teeth] Or Christmas trees:
;)
Or candles:
;)
Or... OH WOULD YOU JUST DRAW A GREEN TRIANGLE AND BE DONE WITH IT?
;)
Thank you.
Next week: SPACING.
Thanks to Erin M., Wildkatt, Jason D., Christy G., Anne H., Anne K., Emma G., Jillian H., Christine, Maureen W., and Janet P., for making like these trees, and confusing the heck out of all of us.
Reader Comments (53)
Ooooohhhh!!!!! Peppermint boomerangs! I love those!!!
Sheesh, how hard is it to draw a Christmas tree?! And even when they get it right, they get it wrong. Star of David as the tree topper. No... just, no...
They need to hire 10-year-old's to decorate the cakes. THEY know how to draw a simple tree, present or candy cane!
And a Merry Samchrist to you as well. I hope the "candles" have asked for some medication to clear up that… um… discharge and inflammation.
Sung to Jingle Bells
Dashing to the store
But the trees cakes aren't OK
Candy cane "no go"
Franklin all the way
"Lights" in an odd string
That "tree" just ain't right
The stocking's wrong and ball cake has an awful case of blight.
Oh, cake wrecks hell, cake wrecks hell, present's not OK
And I'm sure that I'll deride the next tree cake today
Cake wrecks hell, candles "swell", get those things away
Tree's OK, but spacing needs a lot of work today...
Did anyone else notice that the last tree is topped by a not completely botched six-pointed star? The one time someone gets it sort of right...
Those 2 candles are the best willy cake decorations ever!! totally spit my drink on the keyboard laughing!!
Claude the peppermint-striped Christmas caterpillar is squirming his way to the Christmas party, decked out in his holly trim. Or is that a striped maggot....?
Merry Christ Sam to all!
O Tannenbaum (O Christmas Tree)
O Christmas tree, O Christmas tree,
You are so ever changing;
O Christmas tree, O Christmas tree,
Your look they keep rearranging;
Sometimes a squiggle, sometimes a plop.
Can I close my eyes and make it stop?
O Christmas tree, O Christmas tree,
Of all the trees least lovely,
O Christmas tree, O Christmas tree,
I hope I make a complete recovery.
Each year you bring to me a fright,
A bakery horror for Christmas night.
O Christmas tree, O Christmas tree,
You’re just not lookin’ lovely.
Though you are green, that’s about it,
The bakers can’t make you for sh*t.
O Christmas tree, O Christmas tree,
You just are so estranging….
Thanks to the last cake, I now know Jesus' middle name. (I always thought it started with an H)
I think a Mogen David is perfectly appropriate, after all, Jesus was Jewish, born of a Jewish mother in Judeah.
Hey, you have to give props to the eighth baker for standing by the courage of her convictions, and giving us a bloody cross, complete with drips. It may be the wrong holiday, but he/she didn't back down...
The shrubbery is a little confusing, though. Too many Monty Python movies with eggnog?
Twas the week before Christmas, and looking online
Not a baker is getting the shape of the pine
Those ‘stockings’ would not fit on anyone’s foot
Never mind getting filled with the kids’ Christmas loot
Pink and white-striped C-C-Cs – ‘ptooie!’ we call
Aren’t quite as disturbing as cake with a ball
Or blue and red splodges that represent lights
A real cornucopia of festive delights
Now Flotsam! Now Jetsam! Now Plastic and Sprinkles!
On Cupcakes! On Cookies! On Candles Like Winkles!
On the top of the tree goes a six-pointed star!
Dash away, dash away! These wrecks are too bizarre!
A basic triangle, all coloured in green
Is all that we wanted, but not what was seen
A lack of geometry knowledge, it seems
Can only result in some bad Christmas dreams.
But never despair, Wrecky followers all!
There’s a Christmas tree shape on the last one of all!
It’s not pretty or sweet, but at least the shape’s right!
So Merry Christ Sam to all, and to all a goodnight!
Perhaps cake #6 is a really well-made Christmas chimney.
@TLC - Dangit! "Stole" my comment right out of the gate. Well played.
Carol of the Trees
Hark! How the trees
Green crappy trees
All seem to say
“Who cares today?”
Christmas is here
We’ll get it “near”
Best we can do
Good ‘nuff for you.
So wrong, so wrong,
‘Tis a sad song
That I must sing
All caroling
One seems to hear
“What happened here?”
From ev’rywhere
Filling the air.
They are so sad
No one is glad.
Making the sale
Their Holy Grail
Registers ring
That is the thing
Put money here
Let’s give a cheer
Money, money, money, money Christmas
Merry, merry, merry, merry crap-ness
On, on they bake
Crap trees they make
Shoppers just moan
In every home.
So wrong, so wrong...
Bakers...if you can't make a bough, you can't take a bow....
@Sharyn and @The Midnight Writer --- bravo!!
Now excuse me while I make like a baby and head out....
Cake wrecks hell, yes, Sharyn! Never before have I cringed so much in a single post! And THIS is why I love you guys! :D
I've always loved enjoying my Candy Boomerangs around Christmas. Does this means we can expect Flash to show up to help out as Captain Boomerang starts tossing them about the town?
5th one down kinda looks like an upside down Sid the Sloth
I especially like the Star of David on top of that last Xmas tree. Very inclusive! :-)
And a Merry Samtsirhc to you too! (That's totally how I read that.)
I'm sitting in the middle of Chuck E. Cheese, trying to ignore my surroundings, and giggling out loud.
Merry Christ Sam, everyone!
And a Merry Sam Christ to you!
@mel:
Yeah~what you said!!! Beautiful. (Linus had it right,too.)
=^u.u^=
OK the songs killed me LOL my friend is a baker and cake decorator and about had a heart attack over these lol "even on a bad day I could do better with my eyes shut!" Haha
I think that's "stocking" is supposed to be a chimney. Hence, the "clouds" with bows on them. I mean, if you look real hard....
Congrats to the poemsters/carolers! You're on fire today!
@SaraV, I had the same thought -- the stocking looked like a well-trimmed chimney top to me. And @Renee, all I can see is a sloth now in #5! LOL
Green frosting horrors!
@Renee ~ All the songs so far today made me giggle but you totally made my day! And of course now I can't un-see Sid. So thanks for that too!
Nobody has commented yet that the Merry Sam Christ one has a smudge that looks like they almost forgot the "T". C'mon people!!! I can't be the only one that sees that can I?
Today is my oldest girl Kia's birthday. If I let her sister make her cake it will be a wreck for sure! But at least it will taste yummy :-)
#3 looks more like Godzilla doing the hula than Ben Franklin.
Merry Christ, Sam! Merry Christ sam? And, do I spy a baseball on one of the Christmas trees?
On a more serious note, Thank you for all the fun cake posts! You have a great sense of humor and I have thoroughly enjoyed the year in cakes, LOL. Have a very merry and a wonderful 2014.
With apologies to Haiku Joy:
Mangled trees and lights
Ding dong merrily with pie
Wreckorators cheer!
Deasons Dreetings to you too. I hope that flame throwing condition clears up soon.
I think we have enough songs to go caroling now! Let's meet in front of my house tomorrow at 8:00.
I'll provide cocoa (but no cake.)
So who are Merry, Sam T, and Chris?
On the third one down, I sang Jen's line: (I see the side silhouette of Ben Franklin. You?) to the tune of Queen's Bohemian Rhapsody. Anyone else? And how does someone take a perfect bite out of icing, but not affect the icing underneath or the cake???
Ding dong merrily with pie,
And cakes with words, not sprinkles,
Ding dong verily we cry,
"Add Santas, trees and twinkles".
Fro-o-oo-o-oo-o-o-osting,
We'll ice it for your pleasure,
Fro-o-oo-o-oo-o-o-osting,
you'll get a cake you'll treasure!
# 2 is clearly a Striped Christmas Sock... of Doom.
I see Caspar the Friendly Ghost's greener cousin in #3.
My son asked why they decorated a guitar for #5.
#6 - I would buy the chimney explanation (though not the cake) if it weren't for the plastic candy canes sticking out of the "brick" base... of course, their placement doesn't make any sense for a stocking, either. Like the penguins, though.
The only word that comes to mind for #7 is just "splop".
I rather like the wheel on #9 - it's like the blobby tree is riding a unicycle. Please tell me those aren't real glass lights, though.
In the last one, I hope Sam T. and Chris both stay merry through the season - after all, they got the only passable tree of the bunch!
=-)
Just showed the husband #5...he thinks it looks like a pimento loaf.
Now I see it, too.
I love the last tree, apparently a gift from Frodo to his gardener. I didn't even know Frodo was Jewish!
@TLC: lol...I'd send you one, but I have a feeling it would just come back....
@Maureen: thanks...looks like we all had fun today...
@SuBee: is that a.m. or p.m.?
I was giggling along at my usual pace when suddenly, a snort rang out... the stocking got me.
I liked the candy cane boomerang lol. As for the trees.. have they never seen a tree before? I think they just want to do this to us on purpose so we die laughing before Christmas. Wow. Nearly worked on me lol.
LOL I'm glad I'm not the only one that read that last one as Merry Sam Christ, and flesh colored candles? They couldn't make it another color?
Today I thougt I'd ask my three-year-old for help identifying these wrecks (I thought since there is a resemblance to the paintings hanging in his kindergarten class he might be able to interpret for me). This is what he had to say:
1) a house
2) stripes and poison berries
3) a summer tree
4) drops of berry puree
5) a tree with fruit
6) a face with white hair
7) ice cream
8) a ball of yarn
9) a green street with flowers and zebra stripes and a ball
10) poison mushrooms
11) a christmas tree
well, I'm done here.
The Candles appear to be Venereal disease
Cake 1: Just so messed up.
Cake 2: What the heck kind of candy cane is THAT?
Cake 3: I feel bad for that messed up tree.
Cake 4: Seriously?
Cake 5: It IS an upside down Sid the Sloth!
Cake 6: At first I thought that was a messed up Santa sleigh.
Cake 7: No comment.
Cake 8: I thought that was a cross.
Cake 9: Oh my God.
Cake 10: Those don't even DESERVE to be candles!
Cake 11: What. The. Heck?!?!?!?!?!
No apologies needed, Rachel CM! There's room in haiku for anyone to play.
#3 is definitely Count Duckula.
#1: I can just picture the decorator taking a step back, admiring his/her handiwork, and saying "Nailed it!"
There is a very nice wreath cupcake cake on Facebook on the page Buddy The Elf. Do you agree?