The Top Ten Football Cake Fumbles
January 7, 2013 It's about that time of year again, guys!
You know, the time for lots of these:
;)
Yep, sections of train track on small hills. Choo choo!!
No, wait, I'm sorry, I meant the time for spinal cords in shallow graves:
;)
And speaking of graves...
;)
I bet this wreckerator is a real casket case.
Sometimes after a long hard day, you just want a cake that's had the ever-loving crap beaten out of it, know what I mean?
;)
Booyah. Wish = granted.
Question: Does this look like a pair of lips painted like a basketball, or will 28 of you be too distracted wondering what "WILL 28" means to notice?
;)
INQUIRING MINDS WANT TO KNOW.
I call this next one "The Thing That Looks Like A Triangular Hamburger Bun."
;)
It's a literal work.
And this, "The Plague O'er The Land."
;)
Step 1: Bring to a boil
Step 2: Serve cold to enemies and/or the neighbor's kids
"The Invisible Ball"
;)
See what I did there?
"My Ugly Crazy Lumps"
;)
Because nothing expresses your ardent fandom quite like a hearty, "GO TEAM." (Hey bakers, if I spring for the sheet cake do you think I could get, "THE PLAYERS CURRENTLY PLAYING ARE MY FAVORITES IN ALL OF [INSERT SPORT HERE]"?)
(PS. Behold the awesomeness that is my punctuation ending that last sentence. BEHOLD IT.)
And finally, "The Pig Skin Chia Pet."
;)
"ChaChaCha I am so not eating that."
Thanks to Jeff C., Jessica, Rachael, John L., Shellie B., Laura H., Cassidy, Seamus, Anony M., & Sandi for the home runs.
Reader Comments (56)
Regarding that third cake. I know the seasons get longer and longer, but do they play football on Good Friday?
That is indeed some awesome punctuation. Well done.
Sung to "Take Me Out to the Ball Game"
Fake me out with a ball cake
That's train tracks, are you proud?
Spinal cords, graves and well-beaten crap
Basketball lips leave me taken aback
Let's all hoot at the
Football diamond
Plague-ridden cake is a shame
Outlined ones
to
Lumps sticking out
Chia ball... Is... Lame!
Cake #7 is a Superbowel Cake.
Either #7 is constructed of cancerous pig skin, or what we have here are pork flavoured cupcakes. Either way, nothing can explain the hog calling reference, except, perhaps only using this concoction for pig swill.
The last one looks like a hamburger with the lettuce on top. Or, a moldy bun? Either way, I'm not eating it, either!!
]"?) - Is that some sort of curse word or new emoticon?
Even better/worse, the spinal cord cake is a Cupcake Cake (ptooie!). The label says it's pullapart cupcakes. Which means the icing grave can't be all that shallow.
Going through my grandmother's recipe collection I came across something called "dump cake". It was actually a recipe that involved dumping a few ingredients together, thus the title. Most of the cakes in this post, however, seem much more worthy of the name.
Learn how to call the Hogs here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=n0w8vX6UQN0
Or on any other number of related YouTube videos my work seems to be semi-blocking.
The first cake is downright artistic compared to the rest of those...things. I swear I saw the paque cake in my microbiology book...
Sharyn, amazing as always.
I meant PLAGUE cake O_o
Tatoo your team on
your lips. Unsightly reversed
kiss-prints have been benched!
Love that Pig Skin Chia Pet! :-) But I can't fanthom its meaning or reference. :-( I mean, the only thing I can come up with is moss. (You know, like on a rolling stone? Or not.)
I think the wreckerator for #8 should be commended for knowing you can't make a football out of CCs & just making an icing outline instead. ;-)
The chia pet cake is not a football, it is the face of a walrus after swimming through seaweed.
CUPCAKE-CAKES DO NOT WORK!!! When are the world's alleged bakers going to figure that out? Ooh, competition idea for your next book tour: make a CCC that actually looks good.
Seriously. Anyone who can achieve that is Supreme Commander of the Baking Multiverse and should be richly rewarded. Possibly even with a signed copy.
Too much?
@Sharyn and HaikuJoy -- WELL DONE
Jen -- awesome as always
Cake #7 - That's actually a "call/saying" that fans of the University of Arkansas use. Their mascot is the Razorbacks. Yeah, I find it stupid, too.
Jen, I bow to the awesomeness that is that string of punctuation.
I read 'gaper jowl' on the fourth cake.
Catherine said:
]"?) - Is that some sort of curse word or new emoticon?
If I tilt my head to the left, I see a smiling, big schnoz-ed guy focused on the activities to his left, perhaps wearing a tricorne. Or maybe himself horned. I think the emotion conveyed is indifference, hysteria, and contentment, which necessitated the complex emoticon.
"bring to a boil"...too funny!
btw, loving those mad punctuation skills!
New tagline: "Puh-puh-puh, PIGSKIN!"
Still not eating it.
It's clearly NOT "Will 28." The hyphen indicates that the phrase reads Will 2-8, or in text speak, "Will To Eat." This was baked for a despondent Vikings fan who lost all interest in food after that crushing loss to the Packers. A friend ordered some cheese and smoked fish cupcakes with some encouraging words to help cheer him up. Life can get pretty bleak up in the frozen north--lets have some compassion, people.
Jen, your punctuation is indeed awesomeness. My inner editor is highly satisfied.
However, as much as I love cake and frosting, and as much as I love football, not one of these wrecks would touch my lips.
Since the BCS championship will be played tonight, this is a very appropriate post.And since it's published well before kickoff, we can only hope that football fans will be warned to stay away from these......things. I suggest staying close to the bar.
You are really starting to put me off of chocolate. :p
Are you sure that Cake #4 is not a squashed bowling ball (which may or may not be related to the Super Bowel)?
I think in theory a CCC could be okay if about 90% of the frosting were removed. For those people whose idea of cake nirvana is frosting, they can just eat it straight out of a bowl.
Clearly, that is an invisi-BALL.
Now I find myself incapable of recalling what an actual football even looks like. Thanks, wreckerators.
Yes, awesome punctuation up there!
I saw 2 sets of lips with lines of sutures across the bow.
Tough crowd.
My fav is the message on "The Plague O'er The Land" Wooo! PIG! Sooie!
I had a rough day today. And then I read your post and I laughed until tears ran down my face! I want a Pig Skin Chia Pet.
Maybe stores (like "The Store That Must Not Be Named") should have a required browsing of CW (and the comments!) as part of bakery department training? But then we wouldn't have all these amazing messes to make fun of. Hmm... nevermind.
That cookie cake with the graves on it? I'm seeing something far more disgusting then graves. o.O
My poor, sick, feverish body just can't handle that...
I have some good news and some bad news.
The Good News: It took me all weekend (hours upon hours involving ear scratching, feathers, laser pointers, letting Theardare call me Clarice while we ate liver and fava beans and many other things I am currently trying to suppress), but I have convinced Theardare to allow me to replace the current bunker door (to which Theardare somehow has the only key) with a new one. We will, ALL of us, be welcome in the bunker again. Whenever there is a threat of Epcot, we can lounge in the bunker, partaking of post-appropriate snacks until the all-clear has been sounded.
The Bad News: The only way Theardare would approve of this was for me to agree to get a door that will only open when a password is spoken. Theardare made me promise, under threat of Room 101, to allow HIM to create the password. Thus, he has devised a riddle, the solution to which is the password:
"Who is it that ought to be worshipped, as the wise Ancient Egyptians knew?
Who is it that rules mightily the Epcot Bunker and the sacred rooms below?
Who is it that will fill you full of lead if you disagree with the human I have chosen to write this blog?
Speak my name and you may enter!"
When I mentioned that the riddle is pretty lame and doesn't even rhyme, Theardare said, "It doesn't translate well from Cat into your inferior language".
So, the bunker is now open. I, however, have quite had my fill of it for now and will be off in the corner rocking back and forth and possibly sucking my thumb....
Vaginas. Brown vaginas everywhere!
@Andrea ~ You're just awesome! Thanks for taking one for the team!
On Saturday, somebody tweeted a photo of a Washington "Reskins" cake. I can't help but wonder if the misspelling jinxed their playoff game ...
I'm pretty sure I just heard cake #6 say "Feed me...feed me Seymour!"
Totally saw orange lips... didnt notice "will 2.8" until later... d'oh!
First, I'd like to propose that Jen's punctuation be replicated on a plaque to be placed prominently in DOC's new Hall of Fame, located in the atrium of the bunker.
Why does the bunker have an atrium? There had to be someplace to put the approximately 39,000 portraits, sketches, figurines, statues (and of course, plushies) of Theardare that have suddenly appeared. Besides, you always put a Hall of Fame in an atrium. Where else would it go?
All the cat memorabilia and the torches give the atrium a decidedly ancient Egyptian vibe, but I have the oddest disinclination to object...
But I digress.
As ubiquitous as football coverage is during the 13 months of the season, one would think there would not be anyone living above ground anywhere who would lack knowledge of the precise specifications of the 'pigskin'. But one would evidently be quite wrong.
Today's post is such a target-rich environment that I'll simply hope that everyone enjoys 'gaper-owl 45' as I try to recover my will to eat.
I will, however, be pondering how what I fervently hope is a collection of chocolate-frosted cupcakes can be put *on special* for $17.99. What was the original price, and why would anyone think $17.99 is a deal?
And so, as the Poo-year Blimp sails majestically through oddly symmetrical clouds, I close with this question: Who in their right mind would put parsley on a cake?!
Well played, Andrea.
Leesianna, if Audrey had demanded to be fed Seymour, wouldn't the movie have ended rather abruptly?
#1 is a footsketball...with a hula skirt.
The 3rd one? Uh, poop with stitches?
We all can relate to Will 2 'eat'? But not relative to any of these sinister ovoid brown plopp entities, chocolate buttercream notwithstanding.
@Andrea: Bravo! We'll have to restock now that we can get in again.
answer to cake #5: I'm thinking that maybe there is a player named Will who has been playing football for 28 years and has AWESOME guppy lips. just a hunch.
I don't know what it is lately-the holidays are over or you are still drinking spiked eggnog but you have been on your A+ game lately on both blogs-keep up the good work and I will keep falling out of my chair laughing!
Jen, I literally love your work.
Oh, Sharyn, that was lovely. *sniff*
mindy1, I ddn;t even catch the mithspelling.
jackwuire, I was laughing until I read "smoked fish cupcakes" *gag*
Thank you, dearest Andrea, for your sacrifice!! Here's some chocolate.
:)
Craig, I'm looking forward to seeing the atrium. I usually entered through the service door by the gym & beer garden (which, may I add is a spectacularly bad mix of odors...)
I decline to comment on these alleged "cakes" except to point out they serve as a great visual irepresentation of a Vogon poetry reading.
Catherine said:
]"?) - Is that some sort of curse word or new emoticon?
I see Captain Hook scratching his nose, or possibly trying to hold his nose closed against all the 'footballs' on display today.
Well none of these cakes looks appealing enough for someone to buy let alone eat lol. Why do they insist on using chocolate frosting in such a horrid way. Wow just wow.
Football....football...What's a football?
Ok, I have to say...the "Plague o'er the Land" is great and all, but did anyone even notice the literary genius that is scrawled onto the cake board beside it?? "Woo! PIG!! SOOIE!"
Yup. Genius, right there. (I am seriously so confused right now. I know footballs are called "pig skins", but by calling it a pig skin...you've got to assume the pig is deceased, and thus unable to further respond to your calls. Right??!)