Spam Poetry
January 18, 2013 Usually my spam filter is pretty accurate, but this week I've gotten three e-mails that read like some kind of post-modern word salad poetry. I'm assuming they're spam, but then again, maybe they're really some hip new literary project by postmodern word salad poets. Eh?
So in the spirit of artistic discovery, I've decided to illustrate these literary feats with the most appropriate cakes I could find. ENJOY.
Subject line: hey! :) My name is Margarito!
Artillery fray,
;)
I must articulate smoothly, it is a terrible wise of many enemy,
this godson of tormenting children,
;)
...and children cheerful.
;)
èḥῥộ_ ḣûῂ?ṕẹvќћ (??)
[That is a line of unintelligible characters which I can only assume was supposed to link to overpriced weasel aphrodisiacs, but since it isn't clickable in the original e-mail I can't say for sure.]
And painting it I soothe said to exception:
"it is the riverside of the disadvantage
and He has sent it to flit my shipboard crustacean."
;)
::flit flit flit::
Alternatively, here's a shoe board crustacean:
;)
[bowing] Ah thank you, thankyouverramuch.
Subject line: Good day, my name is Nathanial :)
One notwithstanding
he did with more sincerity bluff so strange in Moscow,
a life of astounding but salutation,
;)
(C'mon, what are the odds I'd find a cake of a butt salutation?)
(Oh, sorry was that just one "t"? My bad.)
Piping and plating, he was degenerating.
;)
(You know what they say about small pens, right?)
(Smaller pocket protectors.)
Subject line: hey!! My name is Broderick!
The amass had feigned,
but coldly was some embody thereon.
;)
Cuttlefish assureed merrily as jersey began talking,
amiably bashful,
with drowsy one sponge emerge at her foresight to unify its broth on her.
;)
Whoah there, Bobby boy, you're not unifying your broth on ANYBODY today, hear me?
Thanks to Steve B., Shannon P., Candi F., Alexis I., Heitha B., Rachael E., Anony M., Kylie S., & Audra B. for the wreckiest cakes in all the 'verse.
Reader Comments (68)
Did anyone else hear beatnik bongos in their head as they read this?
*dons beatnik shades and a beret, snaps fingers* Far out, man! Those poems are so deep!!
...they also did nothing to keep me from sounding like a hyperventilating sea lion, trying to stifle my laughter from my cubicle.
It seems pretty obvious that Jen’s spam filter is on LSD, so…
Sung to “Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds”
Picture yourself with the grads, all exploding
With dark, squiggly lips and big, staring eyes
Cheerful thing stalks you, the next line reads slowly
Is that weasel tongue in disguise?
Pepto pink crabbling with collagen lips
Maybe a flip flop instead?
Butt salutations from gaseous rear ends
(Needs a thong…)
Loosely in disguise, with shrinkage
Loosely drape the rear end with pinkage
Unify your broth with cuttlefish
Ah…..
*sighing audibly* I love a good firefly reference.
Geeky goodness, whose van is serenity, my husband's car is shiny
(sounds like word salad poetry, but actually makes sense.)
That third cake just might be the scariest thing I have ever seen.
Wow. That's some bad poetry. And some weird cake.
I salute thee,
Verily.
Fireworks explosion.
Ok, I want the backstory on cake #8! It's like a piece of modern art! Pink hair (sideways mohawk?) nude reclining face-down under pink sheet...or perhaps it's a modern hospital sign for the examining room..."Remove clothes, cut your hair sideways like a Mohawk, lie face down under the pink sheet and wait..."
And the butter creme icing trim on the butt day farty cake is the *fugliest* color I've ever seen!
Oh look! It's Twinkie Bob Rounded Corner Pants
Boy, do you get weird e-mail......I just get the normal ones.
The fart cake is a great find!
Ah-hah! What we have here is "The Attack of the Babble Fish!"
It's obvious that the authors of your "fan mail" were folks who are not speakers of English. However, in an attempt to communicate, they ran their comments through the Babble Fish translation website, and printed the results: literally.
And your answer is 42.
Is #3 an Aaaah! Real Monsters! character? Or is it just the sign of a very disturbed Wreckerator?
Is that orange blimp supposed to be a flip-flop?
Thanks to that second-to-last wreck, we now know what happens when a "restroom door icon" model ties one on after work...
When I get those emails I just always assume the TARDIS translator is on the fritz.
I think my head exploded at the "unify its broth" line.
Don't you love the emails that make you think the drugs aren't working.
Also - Cake 3 is the thing of nightmares. Seriously.
<3 you
I cannot comprehend what they were thinking O_o
No way those were real emails? What in the . . . Anyway, the massage table/coroner's table (you pick) is quite something. I'm hoping this is a new trend--just imagine how wrecky they could get.
#2: It's the Crackie Monster!
Oh, dear. Jen's being e-mail stalked by a Vogon poet. My sympathies.
2 and 3 are the stuff of nightmares. though I kind of like how they funkified the broken teeth. #2 inspires dialogue from Red Riding Hood--"My, what big eyes you have, Oscar the Grouch!"
#4, I know you're supposed to be a crab, but the big yellow lips and coiled rug body just don't cut it.
#5--why is the fat flip flop staring at the crab with the flaccid penis legs?
#6--nice shiny butt, baker. did that come with sound effects? THANK YOU for not adding hair to the crack...
#8--I don't undertand this one at all. Why is a flat bald person laying on their stomach (I assume) under a pink blanket? pink=female, women have hair, and not a pink dishrag on the top of the head. if she had a face that'd be one thing, but she'd need boobs and no butt sticking out. I just. don't. get. it.
I don't know what you're all talking about... I think it's beatiful.
'And painting it I soothe said to exception:
'"it is the riverside of the disadvantage
and He has sent it to flit my shipboard crustacean."'
Tears to a glass eye, man. Tears to a glass eye.
Gotta love funny spam. I once had one that told me "I love your blog. You should add photos to make it better." Erm...my blog was a photography blog, hahahhahhaha.
That Spongebob "I'm Ready" cake made me almost spit my orange juice at my laptop.
OMG, laughing so hard I'm crying & the folks in McDonalds are looking at me funny!!! :P I *so* needed this laugh today!!! :D
And I thought I got weird spam o.O
The butt cake reminds me of some of the cakes my sister used to make. They were all at the request of the customers and although very well done, oh so disturbing... That 3rd thing is going to be the object of my nightmares tonite. thanks Jen!
@Cheryl ~ "Oh look! It's Twinkie Bob Rounded Corner Pants" made me snort hot coffee! OUCH!
Nice job @Sharyn! Make those reservations for Quarantine Island yet?
Cakes 4 and 8 hurt my mind.
Am I the only one who sees a uterus and ovaries with a face on the fourth one down?
The second and third monster cakes are only wrecks if the customer asked for something like a frog. As kooky monsters, they're awesomely adorable and I bet kids would love 'em!
What the fondant happened here?!?!? The piping extrudeth everywhere!!
I worked for an American division of an Asian company. And we received faxes daily that read like this post. If you don't know the English word, just write somthing - anything! Thanks Jen for the fond reminders.
Ah, this bring back fond memories of being in Europe and trying not to use the English menus when ordering. At one restaurant in Amsterdam, I used the German and French and determined that I would be getting pork medallions with mushrooms in a wine sauce. Then we flipped the menu over to the English and discovered that I had ordered "minute piglets." Oh, well. . . .. it was yummy! And attractive, too!
With that in mind, I am desperate to know the original intent of the phrase "unify its broth." Especially since I plan to make soup this weekend.
Cake no. 3 terrifies me. But I kind of like the fartieth birthday cake.
Jen, this was a masterpiece. Only you are creative enough to combine weird spam emails with cake wrecks and make it work.
Good one, but I got excited because I thought you were going to write a poem about the meat delicacy Spam!
How come nobody thought to get me a fart-ieth birthday cake last week? Family: you're sacked!!
Long time reader, first time commentator! I have gotten a lot of these emails lately as well. LOVE seeing them illustrated with cake! I will never look at my Spam box the same way again...
"hey! :) My name is Margarito!" made me hear salsa music in my head, which was kind of fun. :)
Overall though, it reminded me quite a bit of the poetry of Edward Lear. http://www.nonsenselit.org/Lear/learwk.html
He was known for such gems as:
`Twas brillig, and the slithy toves
Did gyre and gimble in the wabe:
All mimsy were the borogoves,
And the mome raths outgrabe.
Sounds like the statuses of one of my Facebook friends.
Obviously, Margarito, Nathaniel and Broderick are Vogons.
@Michelle
'Brillig' is a poem from Alice In Wonderland (Lewis Carroll).
Edward Lear did such gems as
"There was an Old Person of Leeds,
Whose head was infested with beads;
She sat on a stool,
And ate gooseberry fool,
Which agreed with that person of Leeds."
On another note, I love the third cake. I just wouldn't give it to a small child.
I don't know which is wreckier; the cakes or these emails. Butt salutation, indeed.
SPAMMERS who use googletranslate? I know when I try to use that I get all sorts of gobbledygook! or maybe it's googledygook?
The cakes are perfect illustrations.
The two year old boy I nanny looked up as I laughed at the Wreckbob Splatpants. Then he promptly shrieked with great joy "PUNBOB!" and began laughing with a hysteria I rarely see. Either it was just that funny or he was in on the creation of the wreck with the ultimate goal of getting on Cake Wrecks before taking over the world...
Hahahaha BRILLIANT See, this is the problem with you guys...you find totally original humor in totally wreck-tastic things, like spam poetry, zombie frogs and pink crabs!!! What would my life be without you???
Well, it's actually almost warm outside for the first time in what seems like years. Now if building interiors would get the memo...
#3 This must be what the Cakeoliers look like.
I think cake #8 is supposed to be Linda Blair getting a massage.
I just checked my spam and I have something from
~ Madonna trying to get me to answer something
~Somebody named Olivia who thinks I'm "handsome" o.O uhhh... Thanks?
~Somebody who can sell me something to "add inches" O.O
Hold up!!! Spam thinks I'm a dude??? Better rethink my hairstyle...or something
@Craig ~ I just turned on my little heater under my desk for ya. Did it help?
@DancesWithSpatulas
Re: cake #8 - mmm...not seeing it. But I do like your nom de plume! :-)
Those are my favorite type of spam messages! Thanks for sharing. :-)
These make more sense than some Yes songs.
Hi Jen,
I'm a long time follower of Cake Wrecks and EPBOT. Thanks for keeping us entertained all of these years :)
I have made a series of paper collages called Spam Tales using text like this.
http://pdvirtualgallery.blogspot.com.au/2010/07/what-is-spam-tale.html
I would like to use these spam texts/senders as material for future collages. I'll let you know when I get around to making them - I have so many ideas and not enough time in the day to make them happen! Just to clarify, are the words in italics from the spammers, and anything non-italic is your text?
Cheers
Patricia