Bake Me A Date!
September 4, 2012 Note: Today's post contains a plethora of vaguely naughty innuendoes, plus at least one "outyourendo." Please parent accordingly.
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Dear HoneyPie3551
I saw your profile on the "Bake Me a Date" website and wanted to contact you. You sound pretty sweet, and I'd love to sugar you up by taking you to dinner. Please let me know if you are interested, and I will preserve us a table. (I switched the word "reserve" with "preserve" because I use raspberry preserves in my cookies. And I'm not so good at wordplay. Please write back.)
Sincerely,
BearClaw993
PS- Here's a picture of me with my shirt off. (This is definitely NOT a photo I found on the internet.) Notice how big my muscles are.
;)
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Hi BearClaw993,
Thanks for writing. I like what I see. :)
I really knead a big strong man around the house. Let's have dinner, and then maybe you can let me lick your beaters, if you know what I mean.
- HoneyPie3551
PS - I've also attached a photo. And don't worry; Chad means nothing to me now.
;)
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Hey HoneyPie3551,
Yes, I think I know what you mean. I sure would like to melt you in a double boiler, if you know what I mean. No wait, I want to moisten your meringue? Ugh, I can do this. I want to gently fold in your egg whites.
-BearClaw993
PS- In case you didn't see them the first time, I've attached another photo of my awesome muscles.
;)
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BearClaw993,
Ooo, you really know how to stretch my strudel. I can't wait to press your waffle cone.
And you'd better be good, or I might have to whip your cream.
- HoneyPie3551
;)
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HoneyPie3551,
Let's meet tonight and I can frost your cupcakes, and by that I mean I'd like to pre-heat your oven, and by that I mean I'm going to grease your muffin pan.
Something something ladyfingers.
-BearClaw993
;)
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Dear BearClaw993,
I knead to apologize for leaving our date so abruptly. Maybe we can try again in the future when you can get your dough to rise.
Batter luck next time,
HoneyPie3551
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HoneyPie3551,
;)
Sincerely,
BearClaw993
Thanks to Lucy, Jenny W., Noreen R., Anony M., Whitney B., & Nthom for the hot stuff. And by hot stuff, I mean hot messes.
Reader Comments (37)
the sad part is I can picture someone doing that with cakes very easily...
OMG. Too funny!
Sung to “I Got You Babe”
You say you’re buff but I don’t know
But on your cake it certainly looks so
So here’s my cake I’ll send to you
Don’t worry – I dumped Chad to “bake” with you.
Cake.
I got your cake.
I got your cake.
I’ll give your chest acknowledgement
Have you tried waxing? It’s worth every cent.
Still, I like your cakey chest a lot
So in return her please have my booty shot.
Cake.
I got your cake.
I got your cake.
Picking you made my heart sing. I thought you were everything.
But now I’m sad, because you were “down.”
And I wish that Chad was still around.
So, you can say my “girls” are wrong
I wanted cake, but you’re taking too long.
You won’t be getting cake of mine.
Now, shut up, BearClaw. You’re too old to whine.
Cake.
I got your cake.
It was a fake.
Cake.
I looked at the David Hasselhoff torso cake too long (I'm guessing that is why it says "Hoff" on it). I was trying to figure out if they used an ice cube tray to make the 6 pack, but now the cookie crum chest hair and hershey kiss nipples are burned into my brain.
I write this as a warning to others. Do not look directly at the nipples.
Dude! Are those CONCAVE nipples? yoiks.
And that... what is that, a red thong, or a jock-strap? Thanks for helping me lose my appetite!
All I can say is pan-WOW! Move over "50 Shades of Grey" ... here comes Bakerotica! (And we won't even mention what happened to my panini....)
Don't look too closely at cake no. 4, either. It took me forever to figure out that it was a butt with a thong. Ugh.
After 2 months on Plenty of Fish, I took my profile down. It was too depressing to see all the men posing with their cars, motorcycles and/or dead animal carcasses who wanted someone to go hunting, fishing and camping with them and/or ride off into the sunset with them on their Harleys. Maybe next time I'll try cakes. It will certainly be more fun -- an d more appetizing!
It seems only fitting that the banner ad was for Clorox bleach. Do they make a version safe for the brain?
Oh dear.
Cake number four is SO confusing! Woman's back bits? Woman's up high front bits? Man's front bits chopped in half??? And do I really want to know what the smudge is beside the heart tattoo? Maybe we should just be thankful this cake waxed and leave it at that.
Sharyn lololXD XD
hahaahahaahahahHAHAHAHhahahahaaa *stops to breathe* HahahaahahaHHAAHAHAHAhaa
The Shiny Hiney with upside-down suspenders is my fave.
Excuse me, I gotta hurl. Of all the things I didnt need this morning, this yeast of all.
At first I didn't see the string around the Hasselhoff "neck" (at least there is no stump on this cake).
I totally saw the whistle as being a little baby Alien coming out of his sternum.
I think I liked it better that way.
I really just want to know why Janet Reno posed topless for the first cake????
Cake two has my thighs. Huge and slightly lumpy... The smudge next to the thong cake is a tiny palm tree. What's with the maribu??
Were the Hoff's abs made with Twinkies covered in fondant? And that butt cake on the fake fur? I don't think I'll be having cake today!
so as I'm looking at cake #4 i see the heart and a smudge. I think that smudge happens to be a finger so it say something like I heart butt or I heart your butt. IDK thats just what I think
"Stretch my strudel" was hazardous to my laptop!!
Not complaining though. Sure, my soda tickled as it squirted out my nose but I needed the laugh after the week I am having.
Now, if you excuse me, I need to teach my lungs how to breathe again and fix my mascara!
Now that she's left "Chad," I think that Cake #2 should get that mole on her right bosom looked at - it's not dark, but it is large and a bit mishapen. Better safe than sorry!
@ Rixie - thank you for the warning - if only I had read it before I stared!
The Hoff cake with the baby alien coming out or what ever it is!!! horrendous! gag!
I know that turning 50 can be a hairy moment in one's life that i'm certain Harry 50th was meant to be Hairy 50th....
Jen, don't know how to send this to you, but saw this incredible cake, and thought you would like it.
http://dsc.discovery.com/life/life-size-darth-vader-cake-weighs-more-than-500-pounds-carries-watermelon-flavored-lightsaber.html#mkcpgn=fbdsc17
Oh god. lol I love this
Is cake #4 on a fluffy cake board? Not that you'd want to eat it anyway, but that's possibly the best way to make any cake inedible...
My husband re. Hoff cake: "Is that supposed to be chest hair? It looks like a rash."
So funny!!! Once again, Jen, proof that its your writing more than the cakes that really makes this site so funny! And now I have to go watch the Who's Line episode on youtube so I can see the "if you know what I mean" scene again!
Good grief number1, that was hysterical - definitely had to hold a hand over my mouth to stifle inappropriate work-place laughter today. And oh look, zero regrets ;)
I thought the thong cake said "horny 50th!" :D
also, I now have Cisco's "Thong song" in my head. I was tempted to link to it and see how many ear worms I could start but I just can't be THAT evil apparently. I feel like a failure.
Great job, Number1!
Lol I cannot stop laughing..Oh my at the thong cake. I think the hoff one should be avoided at all costs along with said thong one. Ugh. Scary and hairy cakes are not welcome here lol.
Was no one else truly bothered by the gigantic zit on the *ahem* bosom of the 2nd cake? Not to mention that what appears to be supposed to be the belly button is looking a bit ... moldy?
"Stretch your strudel"? Is this Rolf from "Ed, Edd 'n' Eddy"?
On the "Congratulations Chad" cake, why are the breasts and buttocks both on the front (or is it the back)?
I'm pretty sure this is my all time favorite post. The Hoff. <snort>
hahaha.... very funny post and very funny cakes too..
Hahahahahahahaha, my favorite post by far!!!!!!! Hahahahahahahahahaha!!!!!!!!!! XDXDXDXD