The Miracle of Birth, With a Side of Raspberry Jam
August 10, 2012 It all started with the first censored Cake Wreck:
;)
Remember when I first posted this four years ago? How shocking it was back then?
Ahh, those were the days.
Unfortunately, wreckerators thought edible birth scenes were a BRILLIANT idea, and suddenly there were fondant babies popping out of raspberry jam-smeared vajay jays everywhere. And for some odd reason, I can't help but feel just a teensy bit responsible.
I am become death, the destroyer of wombs.
You might think the more cartoonish versions would be less traumatizing, but only if you've never seen the amount of pubic hair sprinkles that I have. Yeah, you heard me: PUBIC HAIR SPRINKLES. If I have to see it, the least you can do is imagine it.
;)
Do you see the size of that censor box? DO YOU?
Let's just say there are five people at that shower who will never eat chocolate sprinkles again.
And the sixth will never kiss the top of her kids' heads again.
You'll also note that the pubic hair sprinkles are shedding/spreading down mom's legs. You will note this, because I won't let you not note it, and also because I'm really enjoying typing "pubic hair sprinkles."
Question: Where are this poor woman's arms?
;)
And why does she have two pumpkins on her chest? And should we be happy the baby is smeared in white icing instead of raspberry jam?
Which reminds me of a:
TRUE STORY I COULD NOT POSSIBLY MAKE UP: I've attended one birth in my life (beside my own, of course, but the view that time was terrible), and the baby was a "cheesecake baby." Nurses, feel free to explain that in the comments. Everyone else, good luck not remembering this the next time you're eating cheesecake.
I'd really hoped this kind of insanity was contained to just the U.S., but no.
;)
I'm not sure what's coming out of that woman, but it looks like the volleyball head from Castaway floating in intestines. (The censor bar says, "You're welcome.")
And speaking of censor bars, this final cake was so explicit that it was actually impossible to make a censor bar large enough, so we've done the reverse: covered everything except a small circle. Even that is pretty graphic, though, so scroll with caution - and don't say I didn't warn you. ;)
;)
You guys, I never thought I'd say this, but... I miss belly cakes.
(You know it's bad when a C-section cake is less traumatizing, am I right?)
Thanks to Tessa L., Ginn, Christina T., Karen H., and Amanda N., and an extra big and bloody thanks to Laura of Mamma Jamma Cakes, the baker of the most explicitly realistic birth cake I've ever had the misfortune of seeing in all its uncensored glory.
Laura actually sent me the cake herself, explaining that even though she managed to gross herself out with it, she's still especially proud of the "skin tone and blemishes." If your morbid curiosity is compelling you to see the full, uncensored version - and I know it is - then you can see it HERE. (EXTREMELY NSFW. You have been warned!)
Reader Comments (199)
I'm sorry but who hired the bakers from the 3rd world country that think women are completely nude when they deliver? Does no one do quality checks anymore? *shudder*
yeah not a good idea to click the link when you are pregnant ,first child and less than 2 mos to labor. MY DEAR JESUS!!! PINEAPPLES I DON'T LIKE IT!!!
I believe this is your best post EVER. I couldn't stop laughing and just when I thought it couldn't get worse- IT DID.
I believe they're asking for these cakes for this thing they call "push" parties, mainly for wealthy people or maybe people trying to get more free stuff, which isn't such a bad idea. Haha These push parties are supposed to be encouraging for new mothers. I'm good with a simple baby shower
Correction to my previous post...the push party is AFTER the birth to congratulate the mom on a job well done with delivering the baby.
What I want to know is why the women are all completely nude. I've never been present at a childbirth, but TV leads me to believe that women usually give birth wearing a hospital gown and a blanket draped over their legs.
Am I the only one thinking that #3 must be Stay Puft Marshmallow Man's wife? Sure looks like it to me...lol.
Clicked the link....
Where's my unicorn chaser!?!?
My wife has given birth twice, and in neither one was she completely nude. What's with all these nude birth cakes?
I have a friend who is a vernix researcher (yeah, I didn't know that was a thing, either) and it is amazing, dynamic stuff. It helps the baby's skin transition from amniotic fluid to air without damage. He is completely geeked about its capabilities and wants you all to know NEVER to wash it off, just wipe off the excess and rub the rest in.
The cakes made me laugh....
But the comments almost made me pee
>< Just too funny!!!!!
Ummm... Besides being speechless, I can't figure out why. If you went to a (baby shower? where the hell are they serving these?) And saw that 'crowning' cake for instance, would you really eat a piece? I for one would NOT. Bleeeccccchhhhhh
Why are these ladies completely naked? I did not click the link.
My mouth is still hanging open....kinda like when you see a car wreck on the freeway. You want to look away, but just can't. Thank the good Lord above for my sweet, simple baby shower cakes.
I want to see the original, uncensored cakes!
Ok SOOOO I just couldn't click the link! Even thought I have had 3 children and the first time had a mirror....yeah that lasted 2 minutes...I just can bring myself to click it, the first batch of sensored pics scarred me enough for life...especially blood pool baby!!! OMG I never remember having that much bleeding but like I said I made them remove the mirror after 2 minutes and never had a mirror again! Nor do I record my births or take pictures of the actual process! But my thought is...did these bakers actually have to sit in on live births or watch birth videos to "study up" on making these?!? Lol
Finally saw the last link! Doesn't bother me one bit XD In fact, I think it's awesome.
We are all grown women and these cakes are just for fun no matter how "grafic or gross" they are to some people, other people who are mature enough and know how to have fun and laugh at the truth of life and birth shouldn't be put down for their personality and humor. These cakes are funny! Lighten up woman life is short so why freak out over the little things.
1st time viewer and gotta say wow why on earth would anyone want this sort of cake at a baby shower, I however have to hive kudos to the baker of th cake on the last link very gross but very realistic one talented baker
who in the world gives birth all naked anyways? don't we wear gowns to cover the boobs, at least?
Actually, no, we don't all wear gowns. I did wear a shirt, but that's only because I didn't have time to take it off before I was catching ;) It was a Doctor Who shirt, too.
Awesome!!!! I wish I had thought about this 10 years ago before I had my baby. Of course anybody who really knows me knows I like that type of humor. I understand why lot of people think that this is atrocious, but different strokes for different folks right? Hmmm ... I think I might just take a trip down Mosby's Dictionary lane for more ideas, if you know what I mean. Hahahahaha .... I love to bake!! My friends and I have incredible senses of humor. We can find humor in practically anything. It's 1 of the benefits of growing up in a tough area and being a smart and artsy kid. Most of us had doctors and nurses for parents so needless to say, dinner conversations were very graphic. This rocks and it's real, but it's NOT for young kids or belles.
I would have been shot if I had come up with something like that for my daughter's baby shower.
WOW. Having birthed goats and hatched chickens really doesnt compare to all the action done in icing, does it?
That said, I clicked the link... it was mocking me...daring me.... and wow, someone is talented with icing and fondant. Pretty amazing. The sprinkles gave me a little shiver, but other than that I think I will be ok today.
I do have a sudden craving for cherry jello...
Count me in as your newest fan... omg... I have never laughed so hard in my life.
I understand that you might find pubic hair traumatising & wish not to associate it with chocolate sprinkles, but why have you censored the nipples? who cares about nipples? EVERYBODY has nipples & men walk around with theirs showing without batting an eyelid. weirdos! :p
[Editor's note- Though I agree with you, we're American and it's still considered obscene here. Go figure. -john]
OMG. Can't. Unsee. Cake.
Most Graphic & Realistic. I clicked the link...LOL
I'm pretty sure "cheesecake baby" is in reference to a baby covered in vernix caseosa, the waxy buildup that some babies are born with slathered over their bodies.
My very pregnant belly hurts so much now from laughing. Ow.
Oh, I clicked the link for the uncensored pic of the last cake....
Oh why would I do that to myself?!
I clicked the link... it was like telling somebody not to say "bomb" in an airport - that's all you can think of after that! Honestly, I didn't find it that much worse than the part you showed.
Fun fact. When they use a real actor for a birth scene in films, the baby is often made up using cream cheese and jam.
My 3 year old daughter came up while I scrolling past the "circle censored" cake and she goes "Look at the moon!! eww nasty moon!!"
Just for the record, the baby should be facing cake side down!
I would never have one of these cakes...Yukky!!! These are way too graphic for any babyshower...
ALLLLLLLLLLLL THOSE CAKES WERE GROSS!! TIMES A MILLION, YECHHHHHH!! I HAVE BEEN A CAKE DECORATOR FOR OVER 35 YEARS, AND I WOULD NEVER!!! DO A CAKE LIKE THAT!
The cheesecake thing? "cheesy babies"
Are typically those born between 33 and 38ish weeks covered in vernix, a waxy, sticky little marvel of mother nature. It's called vernix, and consists of dead skin cells, hair, and any other random things that might be hanging in the amniotic fluid. Also- for the NSFW picture- CONGRATS ON THE GINGER!!! Totally LMAO!!!
Laughed so hard I cried. And found the uncensored cake fascinating - but would have passed on a piece!
Pretty sure "cheesecake baby" refers to a newborn who comes out covered with A LOT of the lovely white substance know as "vernix caseosa". YUM-O.
Coming from a artist point of view , I'd have to say it beautiful .
Amazing work how life like it is , I'm soon to be mum of three and I'd
Love a cake like this . It really shows what we go through , which isn't
Sick . I'm proud of the hard work we mums doing giving birth , so
Well done them . Wouldn't advise for first time mums :)
NEVER HAVING KIDS.... NEVER HAVING KIDS...
Erm... This is the funniest site ever, but what's with the censor bars? Please, these are cakes. Not humans. It's SO American to be so afraid of nudity, that even bakery stuff needs to be censored. And if the people who bought the cakes can see them, why the censorship here? Are we internet folks in need of protection? It always puzzles us Europeans that American people are so squeamish with these things. Please get rid of the censor bars. They don't fit this site.
Here is a link to the first one uncensored
http://www.ebaumsworld.com/pictures/view/223838/
This reminds me so much of "Patch Adams" with the door to the gyno being giant, spread open legs.
Why oh Why did I click that last link??!! My curiosity got the best of me.I will now go hold a fork over a burning flame & gouge my eyes out with it.
Wow, people. Regardless of what it looks like, it's still just cake-flour, eggs, sugar, etc. If these bother you, good thing you aren't in health care- the real thing is *much* worse!
5 pregnant women went into labor, from the fear of this post.
SO tasteless.
I couldn't tell what that one super-censored cake was until I looked at the full picture, and even then it took me a minute to figure it out. . . GROSS!!! I can't believe a baker would actually go through with making that, and then be PROUD of it.:O