The Miracle of Birth, With a Side of Raspberry Jam
August 10, 2012 It all started with the first censored Cake Wreck:
;)
Remember when I first posted this four years ago? How shocking it was back then?
Ahh, those were the days.
Unfortunately, wreckerators thought edible birth scenes were a BRILLIANT idea, and suddenly there were fondant babies popping out of raspberry jam-smeared vajay jays everywhere. And for some odd reason, I can't help but feel just a teensy bit responsible.
I am become death, the destroyer of wombs.
You might think the more cartoonish versions would be less traumatizing, but only if you've never seen the amount of pubic hair sprinkles that I have. Yeah, you heard me: PUBIC HAIR SPRINKLES. If I have to see it, the least you can do is imagine it.
;)
Do you see the size of that censor box? DO YOU?
Let's just say there are five people at that shower who will never eat chocolate sprinkles again.
And the sixth will never kiss the top of her kids' heads again.
You'll also note that the pubic hair sprinkles are shedding/spreading down mom's legs. You will note this, because I won't let you not note it, and also because I'm really enjoying typing "pubic hair sprinkles."
Question: Where are this poor woman's arms?
;)
And why does she have two pumpkins on her chest? And should we be happy the baby is smeared in white icing instead of raspberry jam?
Which reminds me of a:
TRUE STORY I COULD NOT POSSIBLY MAKE UP: I've attended one birth in my life (beside my own, of course, but the view that time was terrible), and the baby was a "cheesecake baby." Nurses, feel free to explain that in the comments. Everyone else, good luck not remembering this the next time you're eating cheesecake.
I'd really hoped this kind of insanity was contained to just the U.S., but no.
;)
I'm not sure what's coming out of that woman, but it looks like the volleyball head from Castaway floating in intestines. (The censor bar says, "You're welcome.")
And speaking of censor bars, this final cake was so explicit that it was actually impossible to make a censor bar large enough, so we've done the reverse: covered everything except a small circle. Even that is pretty graphic, though, so scroll with caution - and don't say I didn't warn you. ;)
;)
You guys, I never thought I'd say this, but... I miss belly cakes.
(You know it's bad when a C-section cake is less traumatizing, am I right?)
Thanks to Tessa L., Ginn, Christina T., Karen H., and Amanda N., and an extra big and bloody thanks to Laura of Mamma Jamma Cakes, the baker of the most explicitly realistic birth cake I've ever had the misfortune of seeing in all its uncensored glory.
Laura actually sent me the cake herself, explaining that even though she managed to gross herself out with it, she's still especially proud of the "skin tone and blemishes." If your morbid curiosity is compelling you to see the full, uncensored version - and I know it is - then you can see it HERE. (EXTREMELY NSFW. You have been warned!)
Reader Comments (199)
Gave birth to my middle child 20 years ago today, she decorates cakes and loves cake wrecks ... so made sure she had the link to today posted HAPPY BIRTHDAY on it ... thought it was appropriate.
Happy 20th Birthday ABBEY! I LOVE YOU!
(and if it makes having a baby seem like something she would like to continue to put off, then win/win!)
Think about puppies. Think about puppies. Think only of pubi..puppies. AAAAAA
Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!
*faints*
Nope, the World's Most Disturbing Shower Cake post is still the worst as far as I'm concerned. Well, at least the science experiment table baby and the last one on here are tie for that award. The other cakes I would eat. Once they were cut up, I would be able to look at them in the abstract. That last one would likely cause me to throw up. I hope the mom-to-be threw up on the cake buyer's shoes
and in her purse.
You have to wonder how they'll cut that hideously graphic cake. Would anyone willingly take, say, the a@@hole piece? My jaw is still on the ground...
And Sharyn: curse you, but your clever song is stuck in my head! That cake and Andy Williams...stuck in my head... sigh. I knew I shouldn't have looked...
oh, Craig? Unseeing machine thingy- IS IT FREAKIN' READY YET??
yup, I usually can resist clicking on the link when Jen warms us but had listened to a podcast the other day which mentions that cake, I believe. damn.
I clicked through to the uncensored birth cake and now I need a unicorn chaser.
You'd think we would learn. When Jen says "Don't click the link" she actually means "IF YOU CLICK THIS LINK YOU WILL BE SCARRED FOR LIFE AND MAY NEED THERAPY!!!
Most of us will never learn. On the flip side, however, most of us will probably never eat cake again either.
I clicked on the link even though the description alone made me shudder. Oh well, it was as disturbing as I knew it would be but the comments had me laughing my butt off as usual. I have never read the comments before though and I have to say that the comments had me laughing just as hard. Thanks everyone! While I cannot un-see what I have seen, I can at least laugh about it. =)
I can't wait for the Twilight-themed birth cake…
@Craig How many of those unsee machines do you have? There could be a long line-up!!
I'm impressed by the realism of that last cake. Clearly, the baker watched some birth videos or something. And, at least she had the good sense to recognize it was a wreck; it's not her fault her clients had some questionable taste. Births are awesome and beautiful, but they are also awkward and gory. I always tell pregnant patients, "There's nothing about pregnancy and labor that isn't painful or gross, but at least you get a prize at the end!"
SuBee, your comment was hilarious.
If you go to the baker's website, you may be horrified to learn two things:
1. The cake was inspired by a "vagina cake" the baker had made before.
2. The baby's trajectory is roughly perpendicular to the table, like this woman is standing on her head to deliver. Of course, she has no lower legs, so that position might be easier for her than for others.
OMG HAHA!!! My brother was walking by as I was viewing the uncensored cake and his reply was holy *^^$$ what the hell is that??? The he didn't believe me when I said it was a cake.... I wish you would show all the cakes uncensored!!!
Merciful heavens! Other than that, I have no words...... :0
Why did I not listen to you??? Why was I foolish enough to click on that link? There are no words to describe just how awful it is. BTW, I never realized before that "pubic hair" could be used to describe "sprinkles." Never ever again will I eat chocolate sprinkles.
In reference to the last cake and linkage...
KILL IT WITH FIRE!
I am the oldest of three and my step-mother just had a beautiful baby boy 3 weeks ago. She got a c-section and my dad was smart enough to stay on the other side of the curtain. He learned his lesson when I was born.
i clicked the link.....MY EYES!! MY EYES!! please tell he those are not Oreo crumbs being used as pubic hair......it will be a loooooooooonnnnngggggg time before I buy Oreos!
Saw the tweet of this on my twitter phone app; had to bring it up on my computer to give it the justice it deserves.
My sister's baby shower is tomorrow. SO GLAD we're having zebra-stripe cupcakes instead of one of these monstrosities. (The baby shower is a "jungle animal" theme, and while zebras don't technically live in the jungle, my sister deemed them "jungle-y enough".)
*clicks the link*
Aieeeee! Why? Why??? Did anyone actually EAT that?
I *so* need a unicorn chaser right now. That cake is going to give me nightmares.
OMG, I was reading this post and overheard on my son's Mickey Mouse Clubhouse, "Okay, now everybody, let's PUSH!" I looked up and to my relief it was only a giant rubber ducky push toy. Whew!
WHY did you post the link?! Didn't you know that some of us MUST click the link and can't help it due to overactive curiosity (and imagination)?! I'm going to have nightmares from that next-to-last cake...
I still haven't seen that second to the last pic, even with the censor bar. I make sure to look away as I scroll!
Good lord, why would you want that? (Except as a joke, funny Danes.) Especially that last one? Why would you want to cut a pretend baby's head up and ingest it, blemishes and all?
(And hey, let's lay off commenters not versed in current birth practices, shall we?
I love how one person posted that a cheesecake baby is a baby born while the mum had a yeast infection and everyone else (even the ones who obviously read the comments) are still off in la-la land pretending it MUST be a baby covered in vernix!
I am scarred for life lol. If ever I wanted kids I just need to look at these cakes and run for my life. Wreckerators are a new form of birth control apparently lol. Oh how I loved strawberry jam..no more ugh.
OH DEAR GOD I CLICKED THE LINK!!!! I WILL NEVER UNSEE THAT!!! (NOOoooo!!!)
On another note, I see these cakes as one more reason NOT to have kids. That looks like the WORST torture EVER!!! Not to mention the fact that after the whole ordeal you have to take home a screaming poop machine!!
Actually, the best part of this post was Googling "cheesecake baby" and seeing all the completely irrelevant results that came up. Blue cheese cheesecake with baby greens? Really? I'm so happy Google adjusted their algorithm so it could better detect the quality websites. Even if they don't have a thing to do with what you're searching for.
Sharyn: As always, your creativity amazes me.
These cakes strengthen my resolve to order a simply decorated and yummy sheet cake for my niece's baby shower. Friends and relatives are flying In from all over the country for this. I don't want the airport to be flooded Saturday night with a huddled mass of weeping, screaming women! AAAAAAACK!
Oh wait, forget my previous comment (if it went through) about me not being able to see the link. Hmm so I reopened my Safari and clicked on the link.
..
...
....
I'm still doing fine. Actually I thought the baby's head (and all it's ... lovely .. shades of red) was more graphical than what was being censored.
....
.....
Not too shocked honestly. Seen worst photos before like really bad ones, think like the Miami "zombie" attack victim? Yea .... so moral of the story: I think I've become a bit too de-sansitized to such photos already since I've seen worst IRL. -gulps-
Okay I looked at the unsencored picture and it is a real look but really who needs that in a cake!?
MUCH against my better judgement, I clicked "The Link". I think I'm gonna be sick.
Brava, Sharyn! I could completely hear Andy Williams singing in my head, which might just drive the visual images from these cakes out.
why on earth would someone think they shave mothers before giving birth??????? I have never heard of that happening to anyone!
How come they didn't show the episotomies? You want birth control, where there you go, the home ec teacher could side with the health teacher and bake a birth cake for their students.....I think if I had that visual, I doubt I would have gone to 3rd base when I was in High School....(not really, I was a good girl, but still I might not have eloped.....LOL.....)
Sarah Lyon nailed everything I was going to address! I think cheesecake baby also refers to the amount of vernix, the waxy white covering on a baby's skin that keeps them from pruning up while they live in fluid for 9 months. It doesn't gross me out--I'm not a biology major, but I am a mom of two, and after you have kids, it takes a lot to gross you out :p (Strangely enough, I do still get queasy thinking about veins, but anything else doesn't make me bat an eye. Weird.)
I wouldn't necessarily like to eat a cake representation of the vernix, though, lol.
Also, no, they don't shave you. I think they did way back in the day, but I'm so glad they leave that alone. Ugh, I can't imagine that added discomfort to the pain of recovering from having a baby :-/
i....have no words. and i never even clicked that NSFW link.
Sorry. As a mom of 3, these cakes just crack me up. And I have to point out, they're doing it wrong. Or at least not as it should be. These babies all seem to be "sunny-side up". In other words, when a baby is born face up, that's not good. Should be face down. My second kid was face up and we were much more miserable than the moms on these cakes! Thanks for all the laughs :)
Someday someone is going to have the brilliant idea of memorializing the conception on a cake.
I'm 7 months pregnant and my baby shower is next week. Now I'm going to be spending the next 7 days wondering what horror cake my (deliciously warped) SiL is plotting. Please be a belly cake! Please be a bally cake! O.O
I think 'Cheesecake baby' is referring to the waxy white substance that some babies are born with called vernix. The earlier a baby is born the more 'cheesecake' there will probably be. I think of all the things included in this post 'cheesecake' baby is the least disturbing, by far!
Unicorn chaser now required....
http://m.urbandictionary.com/#define?term=unicorn+chaser
WHY DID I CLICK ON THE LINK!?! GAG
ok, just one more comment-- otherwise they would be just as "gross" as the cakes...
Yeah, why are all these moms naked??
Sooo appropriate for me. I am going in tonight to get induced, since I am 43 weeks pregnant and this little guy just doesn't seem to want to come out on his own. I cracked up when I saw what the theme was.
Totally suitable for work... I'm an OBGYN!!!
Wow, how I have *missed* you guys. I'm so glad to be back.
The "cheesecake baby" does refer to a vernix covered baby. Vernix is like a protective lotion like layer that covers the baby during pregnancy. It's job is to protect the baby from living in fluid for 9+ months. The closer you get to the due date, the less vernix the baby has.
Also, they do not shave women prior to delivery anymore. That job is left of to the mother herself. They will shave for a c-section to help keep the surgery site cleaner.
And for the record, I used to be a Labor and Delivery nurse. So needless to say, these cakes, while bizarre and gross, don't phase me at all. :) Of course, I'd never want to eat one though.