Thursday
Apr192012
Grim Prospects
April 19, 2012 Ever get the feeling something bad is about to happen?
;)
You know, just a general, inexplicable feeling of foreboding?
;)
And then people start giving you strange advice?
;)
Or acting like they know something you don't?
;)
Regret is a dish best served cold...
so two scoops of ice cream, please.
Sometimes it's just a subtle emphasis on a word, or an odd visual aid:
;)
Other times it's more direct:
;)
(I'd pay up if I were you, Patrice.)
Still, even if it's all in your head, it's good to know that some things, at least, are never a bad sign.
Right, Lucky?
;)
Aw, don't look so Grimm, boy; we know you're not Sirius.
Thanks to Cindy S., Jena P., Monica S., Jennifer H., Meghan R., Alicia A., & Alisa B. for the Harry situation.
Reader Comments (67)
"Did you ever see a hearse go by,
And think that someday you'd surely die
They'd put you in a little box
And cover you over with dirt and rocks..."
Great, now I'll be seeing death omens all day long.
Is....is that supposed to be a flaming pile of poo??
Great, so now we know what dog hell is like....you're on fire and have poop stuck all over you.
Quick. I need a defensive spell!
EXPECTO PATRONUS!! (No, wait, that only works on dementors, not demented cakes.)
PETRIFICUS TOTALUS!! (No, that would petrify the recipients, and they may need the ability to run away.)
LEARNTO SPELLUS UNDERWEARUS!! (Or is underware some sort of body armor for people who are apt to get threatening cakes?)
CONFUNDUS!! (No, that's me.)
Okay, I know it's an unforgivable curse, but these cakes ARE unforgiveable...
AVADA CAKEDAVRA!
Holy Murdering Disney Princesses - WTH?
I just don't get the whole concept behind the "deepest regrets" one.
Jen, the writing on today's post was superb! As usual, the cakes would never be as funny without your word-crafting (:
The only thing I can come up with for the coffin cake is perhaps Mandy is a newly-graduated student of mortuary science, and landed her first funeral director's job? Either that or she's a coffin maker. Or really into vampires. Or just creepy and weird.
Also, why is the princess cake bleeding? Is it saying "Sorry I had to kill you. Have some Disney Princesses!" Sheesh.
Love you guys, love this site! Way to make my Thursday bearable!
Jen, you have made me laugh. I love the Potter books, and Sirius is one of my favorite characters! Please accept this humble joke in return for your masterful one:
Luke Skywalker- Come back over to the right side, Father. I can see the good in you.
Darth Vader- No, my son; you see, this side has cookies.
Luke Skywalker- Ah, but Father, this side has cake.
I had the same thoughts as JJ... why is that dog sitting in a puddle of molten lava covered in dog poo??
Wow, an underwear reminder, a coffin AND bloody princess cake, I'm just...floored. The "deadication" one actually made me laugh and I have to admire those balloons. :) The HRD cake has me puzzled because I'm SURE they meant Esprit DeCorp, or something like that, Spirit Corp, probably some morale building workshop or something. Needless to say, it comes out sounding more like a conference for morticians. Congrats wreckers for continually lowering the bar!
The last one, with the dog tag BO reminds me of the twitter page obamadogrecipes it's just laugh out loud funny. No cake recipes yet. But maybe soon.
Long ago, I worked at the Skelton Funeral Home in Queens, NY (and no, I'm not making up that name.) We, in the office, had a great deal of deadication, but those who did the "artistic" work had a true Espirt de Corpse.
Lucky just disappeared from my screen. Maybe there's more to these omens than I thought.
Oh, these are absolutely top notch. Here's to *your* future.
Muah-hah-hah-hah-haaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhh...
At least there's no fondant.
They're all confounding but that princess one is especially so. What the?? I don't understand any part of that. And that's supposed to say "deepest"? Looks like it could just as likely be "deadest" which would fit in here and actually make more sense with the knife and blood...
I'm so confused!!
Y'know, making a cake that looks like a wet dog is easy, but duplicating that uniquely appetizing smell... that takes work.
Yes, Patrice's last.
Her b-b-butter addiction! Sob!
Sniff. Sigh. Two scoops, please.
The deadication of the Corpse Kick-off League was in full action. The princesses deeply regretted forgetting their underwares for the day, knowing full well that a coffin was in their future and this indeed was their last birthday. Alas; the bell had tolled for our bakery belles and their future was now in the hands of the corpses' leader: the infamous Bo, the Lava Lab. His calm fascade was disturbing amidst the flames and poo; the smell, repugnant. Their future was dire; never to be changed. Lava Lab had won...mwhahahahaaaa!
We REALLY need the stories on these cakes otherwise I can't even imagine who and why they were ordered D:
Umm... Is that Labrador in the Hell of Vienna Sausages, or is it simply in California, and surrounded with "mostly Maui Wowie"? O_o
it looks like they put snausages on luckys cake.
I love this website!
That being said, the princesses with the bloody knife left me wondering the story behind it. Do you know? Maybe it was a goth-type poignant statement about pretty princesses! Not sure, but as always you made it even more funny :)
Doggie hell - my take is that they are snausages. yes. has to be snausages *nodding a lot*
It took me a surprisingly long time staring at that princesses cake puzzling over "Deerest Regrets" which didn't seem as dire as the previous cakes until I finally noticed "Hey, what's that red dribble... woah, a knife!...um..." I think I was distracted by how the white border stops in front of Ariel.
Shiny, black lab
In a field of crap and fire
Put him on the roof
I like how on Mandy's cake they want to make sure she knows it's HER future, just in case she had the presence of mind to try to pass off the coffin cake on somebody else.
"Here, you take it!" "No, it says 'Your Future'--it's even underlined!"
That coffin lid is never going to go on the coffin. Wrong shape.
And the mental image summoned by "espirt" de corpse.....not nice. Spirting corpses :-P
"Rapunzel? RAPUNZEL? Dammit, Flynn, you were supposed to cur her HAIR!"
"Bwoops!"
I think this is a good time for Tom Lehrer...but of course, when *isn't*?
We Will All Go Together When We Go
When you attend a funeral,
It is sad to think that sooner or'l
Later those you love will do the same for you.
And you may have thought it tragic,
Not to mention other adjec-
Tives, to think of all the weeping they will do....
Am I missing something? I don't see any dog cakes or flaming piles of poo. The last cake on my screen is Patrice's last birthday cake. Oh well!
The last one obviously is Padfoot a/k/a Snuffles using Floo Powder.
Holy flaming poo-labs, I scrolled back up to look at it again, and he's Disapparated!
am i the only one fixated on the butter next to the pink patrice cake?
@SuBee: Gah! I am more than a little freaked out that Lucky the flamin' Lab with climbing poo fleas (why are they climbing!?! ..leaving a trail of poo slime in their wake...It's freaky!) is loose somewhere on the interweb. Somehow, that cake is more haunting than the backward-leg-baby-in-octo-mom's-chest cake.
"DEADication!" Sounds like one of Elvira's cheap jokes....not that I've ever watched Elvira.....or that any of you young ones would know who that is...
"Espirt De Corpse" Did someone get hit with spleen juice? Better have the doctor check you for Yellow Fever.
Underware: is that like tupperware? Am I going to have to come up with excuses not to go to Underware parties now?
With the placement of the blood puddle, I thought it said "Deerest Regrets", which makes about as much sense as a bloody princess cake with "Deepest Regrets" on it. Maybe it's a cake from Sister2 to Sister1 wherein Sister2 is trying to FINALLY get it through to Sister1 that she doesn't like princesses, she's a tomboy and wants to play with GI Joes and if Sister2 is forced to play dolls, Ken will ALWAYS ditch Barbie and drive away in her pink convertable by himself. Tires screeching, natch. Sorry, am I projecting?
Heehee, Haiku Joy. Butter addiction! I'm hoping that is homemade ice cream put into leftover butter tubs. ; - )
I'm with mindy1 on this; we REALLY need to know the stories behind the cakes. Especially the princesses one. I'm thinking Red Tent party for some reason. That's what I get for spending too much time on Regretsy.
I'm trying to figure out what a 17 year old would be doing that I would have to remind him / her to wear underware, on a cake, no less!
Patrice may have decided she wasn't going to have any more birthdays after this one. I have a friend who just celebrated the 16th anniversary of her 30th birthday. That, or her friends are out to get her :-)
#1 "D-e-d-...? Are you sure? That can't be right -- everyone knows you spell 'dead' with an a. Duh!"
#2 Has to be a recent phone order; probably from someone in Washington, D.C. whose name escapes me at the moment. ;-)
#3 Underware -- the first downloadable clothing. Comes in two varieties: soft and hard. Hard is shipped to you.
#4 "It is with...well, you know...that I must inform you four ladies that one of you did not make the cut."
#5 Is / was Mandy rather well-endowed, or is this just another wreckerator with no sense of spatial relationships.
#6 "I'm sorry we're so late with this, Patrice. As if that isn't enough, the bakery ferned up and used whipped cream frosting. Everyone knows that's a contradiction in terms, so there's butter available. Ok, it's kind of a strange concept (not to mention messy), but it still works. We'll try to get it right for your next birthday, in just a few weeks."
Well, I'll be dog-gone; 'Lucky' disappeared while I was composing this. No, really. Most peculiar...
without the writing, knife and fake blood, the princess cake would be quite nice. i like how they broke the boarder to allow the "water" of arielle's patch continue over the edge. very clever.
and mandy... i truely hope that she is about to start work at a funeral home and the cake isn't just a nasty joke.
"last birthday"? maybe she decided to stop celebrating as she doesn't want a reminder of getting older? one can only hope.
Personnel-department budgets are usually pretty tight, so I'm not surprised that HRD couldn't afford a cake with a properly-spelled inscription. ;-)
mere9, I'm with you on that one -
WHY ARE THERE TWO HALF-EATEN TUBS OF BUTTER?
and for the love of all things holy what is on that dog. Tell me please.
For the last time Mommy, I don't WANT a princess cake!!!
This just popped in my head. Based on "Teddy Bear's Picnic."
If you go out for some cake today
You’re sure of a big surprise
If you go out for some cake today
Prepare for some homicides
For every cake that ever there was
Is gathering for revenge, because
Today’s the day the cakes hold a bloody picnic
Chorus:
Picnic time for bakery fare
The angry cakes will use their sharp little knives on you today
When they catch you unaware
They’ll try to kill you in a nasty way
See them gaily dance about
They’ll watch you scream and shout
Hope you have clean “underware”
And once they clock the lassies and laddies
They’ll wash the blood away
And go back to their bakery lair.
All those who go out for cake today
Will share an “esprit de corpse”
When cakes get into a picnic mood
It’s rare that they show remorse
You’d think they might have deepest regrets
But look out, Bo, cuz they will grill pets
Mandy, dear, *your* future won’t be a picnic
(CHORUS)
It doesn’t matter Patrice was good
Today is her last birthday
The “deadication” of bakery cakes
Will wipe all defense away
Beneath the trees, where nobody sees
They’ll hide and seek, and kill as they please
Today’s the day the cakes hold a bloody picnic
(CHORUS)
This is quite possibly my favorite post this year. Hilarious! the bloody Disney Princess cake is the best! Thanks for the laugh today, Jen. I needed it badly!
Well, the lab results are in.
I don't know what is more disconcerting: the glowing red eyes, the flames (?), the random poos (as if organized poos would be better?) or the missing lower legs. It's a toss-up.
@ Sharyn - truly epic song
I can't see the dog cake either, so maybe it has the special power to only appear to those who are worthy? If so, I am not worthy. :-(
I am still mulling over the princess cake. My twins turn 10 tomorrow. I am not sure if I am hoping that it is exactly as ordered, or if I will become a wreck porter.
@Sharyn XD XD
@Craig - About Bo's legs, now that you mention it - he actually looks like some kind of mutant sea creature..like maybe a crab or something? Hey maybe he's one of those new creatures they've been finding from the BP oil spill, like the shrimp with no eyes. Well, he's a lab crab still soaked in oil, floating in flames.
Deepest Regrets made me LOL, literally. There may be something wrong with me...
I'm guessing that both the princess cake and the coffin cake are "happy divorce" cakes for women. (Yes, it's really A Thing.)
I really hope the casket cake is for someone who just graduated from a funeral directors course!
My son would love that coffin cake. He has a weird obsession with coffins. Always makes caffins out of boxes & lies in them watching TV. Strange Child.