Have a "Heart"
February 13, 2012 To top that oh-so-sweet Valentine I wrote you yesterday, I've decided that today I shall serenade you. Yep. Full-on karaoke style, bebeh.
And since you can't actually hear me, it's your choice whether I sound like Celine Dion or non-auto-tuned Trololo guy for this song. I say go with your gut. Or whichever offends your eardrums more.
Ready?
To the tune of "My Heart Will Go On." (Sorry.)
[hem hem hem]
[stretching out on baby grand piano]
Every sight brings more screams,
;)
I see you, I feeeear you.
That is how I know you...wreck on.
[squinting sexily]
Far from being mere chance,
That face is so squeeeemish!
;)
You have come to show you...wreck on.
[rolling onto belly]
Guts? Scars? What-EV-er you are!
;)
I can see that the dog did "GO" ON.
[duckface]
Once... more... you're DROPPED to the floor!
;)
And you're back to the start 'cuz...
Your "art" will wreck on and on!
;)
[dramatic swelling]
[plus the music gets louder]
;)
Yooooou're HEEEERE!
You're DRINKing a BEER!
And I KNOW that this heart is... all wroo-oong:
;)
[ripping off Snuggie to reveal white Elvis jumpsuit]
Some SAY... "all plastic? NO WAY!"
;)
But the flotsam's a start and
Your cheesecakes are saaaadly all gone!
[Big finish involving sparklers, a bucket of glitter, & a live platypus]
[make that a stuffed platypus]
[and nix the sparklers]
[Ok, so basically it's a stuffed platypus dunked in glitter.]
Thanks to wreckporters Chris H., Emily S., Sarah R., Kristina S., Sarah S., Larissa F., Venieca, & Marisa L. for helping me realize that every pre-schooler who can successfully draw a heart is a frickin' genius.
Reader Comments (79)
#1 looks like the movie poster for "One Missed Call", a cake wreck of the celluloid family http://www.yeahitsthatbad.com/2011/08/episode-28-one-missed-call.html
The scariest part about all those hideously deformed hearts is that they are a plausible result of a lifetime diet of sugar, sodium, trans fats and artificial colours. In other words, THAT's what your future heart will look like.
Eww!.choco poop blobs with testicles? Wow, wrexks, those top!
Titanic Success. Thanks, Sharyn. I'm totally stealing that.
Oh, Craig. The pink slime! Exactly! Ugh.
Sadly, I think that CCC (patooie!) with the roses is the best CCC (patooie!) I've ever seen. It looks like a thought bubble. Someone is thinking about getting roses for/from their Valentine. How nice.
:-p
I made it through the entire post reading in tune, while becoming increasingly mortified by those bad boys. Toooo funny!
The second to last one is a t-bone steak, right?
I think Perry the Platypus for the finale would work!
The first one is a prime example of staring at the flowers while walking over the cliff. So pretty, so detailed, and one loooong scream.
Or as my kids so succintly put it, front door has security written all over it, but the back's wide open.
Oh, GAH, that first one looks like Majora's Mask! *Shudders* All it's missing is the spikes and technicolor eyes staring into your soul.
drinking a beer.... lol lol!!!!!!
I actually made my friend a stuffed platypus a few weeks ago (fleece, not taxidermy, and I'm sure he's gotten glitter on it by now). He talks to it and even asks its advice. His boyfriend has given in and allowed the platypus in the bed. I'm not sure what I started, but please, NO MORE STUFFED PLATYPODES! I think they may be hazardous to mental health (kind of like those cakes, but we've come to expect that by now).
I can't decide whether the pink stuff on #3 looks like chewed gum, penises, or intestines. None of those belong on cupcakes unless it's penises at a bachelorette party.
I didn't even look at the pictures the first time through because I was so eager to read what you wrote :)
P.S. You sounded exactly like Celine but I really really really really want #1 sing this. Pretty Please?!!??
Jen,
Thank you so much for not shutting this blog down. I've followed CW for years, and despite the other favorite posts and the times you've made me cry & wheeze from laughing too hard, I've never appreciated it as much as I do today. You've got a gift. A duck-billed, glitter-dipped gift.
Which is a really weird image, if you think about it.
(crickets)
..anyways, today's post was a gem. You sound like you had fun writing it.. thanks. :)
Really kinda glad I can't remember the tune of that song. Just sayin'.
I believe that the plural of platypus is platypodes. :)
Really, if people sang that in their heads, they should go back again and sing it out loud. It sounds so much better with the sudden outbursts of laughter as you reach each new [event]. Guess it's not as fun if you already know what to expect but I am off to do that again, because this post was absolutely brilliant!!
Lmao and I love that song. But this.. it is just priceless. Considering what I am listening to at the moment and no amount of poop wrecks with clown faces will get me to tell, that had me laughing hysterically. Ahh good ol Celine.
hahaha your so funny but i like your style :)
great photos, nice design all good thumbs up
i feel better now thank you :)
Okay, the Wrecks were bad....but your commentary/lyrics *MADE* this post for me! I had one of the worst days at work and this caused me to laugh so hard that I had tears running down my face and almost my leg (if you catch my drift). Loved it! Wreck on, Jen! Wreck on!!
A stuffed platypus dunked in glitter? [puts a fedora on its head] PERRY the stuffed platypus dunked in glitter?!!!
haha. I personally like the song better when my friend sings it than Dion. This was hilarious!! And you should consider making the video of it!
I don't generally comment here (not because I'm a snob, just because the comments are their own brand of hilarious and I don't want to mess that up!) BUT
THIS
POST
SLAYED
ME
Hilarity on it's own, double hilarious when 50% of your day is listening to Celine Dion sing this song on memorials. Now I shall giggle instead of groan when I hear it.
I refuse to believe that the first one is anything other than Majora from The Legend of Zelda.
Thanks Jen! *miffed voice* Could ya pop a warning at the beginning of the post next time you're gonna write something that gives both visuals, audio sensations, and hearty chortles? You know, so people don't go reading them at work? And by people I mean me! Coz I just laughed out loud in a very quiet room and had 5 people look over their cubicles at me!!!
By the time I got to, You're here. You're drinking a beer' I was cryng. No fair Jen. bad jen bad! :-D
I bet we could get a glittery stuffed platypus from The Bloggess!
The screaming-face paper doilies that the first one is stencilled from were up as decorations at my gym for Valentine's. Nobody had noticed how horrific they were until I mentioned it. After a while I deicded they were very surprised anime faces because I didn't want them screaming at me anymore.
@ViolaNut
I have a dear friend who made a small number of teeny plush owls. She consults them as "parliament." As in "Parliament, do you think I should buy more craft supplies?" Parliament always says yes.
Mr. Haiku just sang this post to me, and I fell in love with him again. Especially when he squinted sexily.
Cakes definitely a wreck, but your singing was beautiful. Most people who type sing don't have the nack for it, but I think you have it down perfect. lol