Torte Reform
December 10, 2012 The FDA has issued strong new warnings about the serious side effects caused by cake wrecks.
If you, or someone you know, has been injured by a cake wreck, call the Law Offices of Ann B'Lance-Chaser today!
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Because I'm a lawyer. It says so right here on my gavel.
Side effects of cake wrecks can include:
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Confusion.
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Nausea.
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Erectile Dysfunction.
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Vision loss.
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Crankiness.
And whiplash.
That's right, whiplash:
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"My birthday cake was so ugly I did a double double-take and hurt my neck. Ann B'Lance-Chaser got me 3 dozen cupcakes!* THANKS, ANN B'LANCE-CHASER!"
Don't delay! Call Ann B'Lance-Chaser, and get YOUR just desserts.
*Actual award was 5 dozen cupcakes. A 40% contingency fee will be assessed on all edible settlements. Fifty percent if chocolate is involved.
Thanks to Michelle B., Amy S., Juliana & Lauren C., another Amanda S., Karyn T., Bea V., and Claire O'B for the legal ease.
Reader Comments (38)
Bwahaha
Crankiness....hahahahaha. I'd say that's super cranky!!
Good Lord. What the heck is up with cake #3?????? Smeared icing and missing icing, too??? It looks like the dog got to it!
I love the "Crankiness" one!! Feeling a little stabby?
That last cake really creeps me out.
*shivers*
Did the "nausea" cake actually come from the bakery like that, was it delivered like that, or did it have an accident on the way home? If it started out that way... I have no words.
That whiplash also caused droopy eyelash syndrome.
Did anyone else see Janice from The Muppets in that last cake???
Some fatal events have been reported.
I'm not 100% certain the image on that first wreck is actually a gavel... If you know what I mean... Wink-wink, nudge-nudge, say n' more, say n' more...
Dear Ms. Ann B'Lance-Chaser:
We here at Tinker, Toyz and Tops are a top-notch law firm and have been very successsful in bringing suits (for major cases; sportscoats for lesser cases) to court. We have been aware of the dangers of this site for years. One of the most serious consequences of viewing this site has been the sudden loss of buttocks do to the spontaneous LMAO effect. This tragic end result not only affects walking, but also makes sitting virtually impossible. While we have been the butt of many jokes for taking these cases, and have often run into a dead-end, we are not a fly-by-the-seat-of-our-pants firm, and will continue to turn the other cheek to those who scorn our efforts. (We were recently humourously mocked for this at the local Rump Roast.) Though sometimes we get a little behind in our work, we press on to the end. Thank you for your fine work in this spreading field. A toast to you: bottoms up!
Sincerely,
Mr. Potato, Head Counsel
PS...We have recently hired an additional partner to specialize in these caes: Mr. Wazoo.
@Sharyn...love your work!
I wonder if the nausea was a display... You know, the ones that stores leave for three months that say expressly: "Display only, do not eat!"
... And lots of moms have been letting their kids take a taste... Of the dress...
... And the cake has been dumped upside down... After the icing hardened... That's all I can imagine
What I'm I missing on the "UGA Lawyer" cake? I know I am not the best speller but this appears right to me. Does the gavel look weird? I feel slow today, sorry.
I think your representation of erectile dysfunction is a tad unfair...it is a petite cake, after all, and has to work with what it has....also, if you look at the base, it has blue balls....never a good situation....
After a successful career restoring religious frescoes throughout Europe, Hilda retired to Scottsdale, where she still lends her expertise at the local bakery from time to time.
Um, #4 seems like Mommy was having a hard time getting Junior to latch on and has become chapped.
#5: Is that an albino crab? A three-horned bunny? A Boo from Super Mario? Whatever it is, it has apparently eaten one too many Peeps. They are on their way back out with such violence as to pop out the poor creature's eyes.
#6: The dress form, it doth bleed.
@Sharyn: Bravo!
@Sarah: I thought of Janice, too! Janice with a brunette wig!
@mel: *snicker*
@Sharyn - Hey, where's our daily song parody?! Just because you wrote today's post, that's no excuse for slacking off - we need our fix!!! Arggh - I'm getting the DTs right now.... dib;8);)!?(6$
(Ok, just teasing!! Your post is fantastic!)
@mel - YES!!!! I knew you would come through for us with some more legal eagle adventures when I read today's post! ;-)
@Sarah - muppet-looking, yes, but Janice?! She's the long blonde Sally-type, not a freckled curly brunette... I'm wondering who the "homage" or "wreck-mage" is in honor of?! I spied a purse on a couple of the cupcakes. (I think; I'm pretty sure) Can't find anything else identifiable. Maybe a brunette Tammy Faye Baker w/that makeup & those huge lips, but then there's those freckled again!! Go figure...would love to know the backstory on this one!
oh lord you people crack me up
Ive used Ann B Lance-chaser, she was working at the firm of Duey Cheetum and Howe,
There is no excuse for the sloppiness of some of these cakes. I mean, really! It is impossible to successfully stab a headless bride in the chest (Cake #6) if you are holding the knife upside down! Do these wreckerators think we were born yesterday?
#3 "Smith, I've told you a million times: This is *cake*. You can't make corrections with an eraser!"
#4 The wreckerator failed to appreciate the gravity of the situation.
#5 Vision loss? Try appetite loss.
At least #7 has the requisite neck brace.
Oh my gosh, I love this post! AND the comments. AND the "law office names"!!
@BADKarma ~ I plead the 5th! Have to be on my best behavior. Barbara Anne is watching me now... So I'll just sit here and smirk quietly and try not to break a rib holding in the laughter.
@mel ~ I actually work in a law office. Well done!
@Sharyn ~ So glad you're a "staff writer" now! Bravo!!! Standing ovation for you! Did you convince your husband about the cake from yesterday? Happy Anniversary!
Too bad the lawyer cake decorator missed the obvious pun - conGAVELations. Amirite? Oh,well, they probably would have completely misspelled it anyway.
Cake #3 looks familiar...because over the weekend I made the mistake of leaving a carrot cake with cream cheese frosting out where my cat could get it.
The vision loss one made me burst with laughter.
What IS that last cake? I will now have nightmares involving muppets, and I'll be hiding under my bed next time muppets is on.
Could someone explain what occasion calls for the 6th(?) cake? The wedding gown part of it really bothers me....
Nausea ... AND... peeling stucco! Oh wait, that comes under Homeowners' coverage, the section on acts of godless canned frosting.
I don't know what UGA is supposed to stand for (maybe university of georgia?) but Uga in Hebrew means cake. So..... cake lawyer?
I've personally never experienced E.D. and why is that knife upside down? Was it a monkey swinging from a vine that got all stabbity?
Sarah re: Janet from The Muppets- did I see her? For surely!
Yay, mel!
Jodee, I approve your message. ;)
Sharyn, stop sucking all the creativity out of the atmosphere, will ya? First, it's awesome parodies and now fabulous posts. (sigh)
Well that cranky cake takes PMS to a whole new level lol. That or it's a random bridezilla attack on the cake. Sheesh. That E.D cake made me laugh til I cried. Glad I will never ever know that lol.
Sharyn: Bravo! I'm giggling.
Ginger: How did you acquire so much knowledge about how to stab a headless bride? Please don't plead the 5th on this one.
I'm sure "UGA" is for University of Georgia. My brother is a UGA lawyer, but I still love him.
this is really funny!XD
That crankiness cake is in a shop window! I can just about see it as a special order, very-bitter-divorce cake, but as an advertisement for the bakery ... words fail me. Can you just see the very nice cake on the right hand side? They can do good cakes.
Need a cheap face lift?
Turtleneck holds your cheeks up,
lets blood pool in lips.
Guys - it is ALMOST ALMOST time for me to be done teaching for the semester (yay!) which means I should be more reliably daily on here.
Vision loss and swollen tongue.